Chapter 11 : Like Fools
Falling For You
It was an almost impossible task to put more than 10 EXO members together and expect good behavior and peace.
Put them together and you set off a nuclear bomb.
This time round, however, the goofy smiles were long gone, replaced by frowns as the boys paced around anxiously.
“Didn’t the two of you see Luhan leave? I mean, you were in the same dorm..” Yixing lashed out, sick with worry and dread.
“No..” Kyungsoo whimpered. Well, they had been kissing, and if you kissed Jongin before you would know what his lips could do to you. His lips were some kind of addictive drug, and they could set fireworks all around you. Your house could have burned down, and you wouldn’t notice. At least, that was what Kyungsoo felt as he placed his hand on Jongin’s lap, gently squeezing it.
“Its been a whole night,” Kris sighed. “I’m sure Luhan has a reason. He’s sensible enough not to do stupid things to make us worry.”
“I searched around the vicinity, hyung, but I couldn’t find him.. Or maybe I just haven’t looked hard enough, do you guys want to split up and we’ll look for him together?” Sehun could hardly stay still, jumping up at any idea and offering to go look for him again repeatedly although he was still having a fever.
“Luhan will be fine.” Kris repeated again, firmly as he swept away the hair falling into his own eyes. “He’s old enough. Something must have happened, but Luhan will be fine.”
All 11 members were gathered, with the exception of Luhan, and they had gathered because Luhan had left the dorm the previous night and had stayed out the entire night. At dawn Sehun returned, waking Kyungsoo and Jongin who had blissfully drifted to their own happy land, almost in tears because he couldn’t find Luhan. When the sun rose, Jongin made the decision to inform all the other members whereas Kyungsoo tried to pacify an anxious Sehun who couldn’t sit still.
11.11AM, and Luhan was not yet back. Neither was he picking up his phone.
“I can’t take this!” Yixing picked up a pillow and threw it against the wall furiously. “I’m going to look for him!”
“Yixing!” Kris stood up in time, blocking Yixing’s way easily with his own gigantic figure. “Sehun already looked around the vicinity, and he didn’t find Luhan either! Listen, Luhan probably didn’t want any of us to go looking for him that’s why he’s not contacting any of us! Calm down, Yixing, please.”
“Its fortunate we do not have any event today.” Joonmyun sighed. “Luhan will be fine.”
“Nothing even happened to Luhan, guys, stop worrying!” Jong-dae was the most unhappy about the ‘meeting’ because it seemed like an unimportant issue to him. “Oh God, Sehun, are you crying?”
The maknae quickly brushed his hand against both of his eyes. “No! Dust got into my eyes, okay?!”
“Yo, chill.” Jong-dae pouted. “I didn’t say I won’t believe you. I was just concerned.”
“Do you need me to blow it out for you?” Joonmyun rushed over to Sehun, squatting as he placed both his arms on Sehun’s laps, examining Sehun’s face closely. “Is it gone?”
“Gramps, its gone…” Sehun chuckled, embarrassed because he knew that it wasn’t just dust. “I’m fine, really.”
Joonmyun bit his lip, his eyebrows knitted. He didn’t quite believe Sehun, because those tears looked genuine, and the fact that his nose was reddening wasn’t helping at all.
“Come with me, Yixing, we need to talk.” Everyone shifted their attention back to Kris and Yixing (even Chanyeol who was dozing on Baekhyun’s shoulder woke). Everyone watched with wide eyes as Kris pulled Yixing out of the dorm used by Luhan, Sehun, Kyungsoo and Jongin.
“What’s up with them?” Chanyeol mumbled, looking at Baekhyun with sleepy eyes. Baekhyun just shrugged, hugging Chanyeol’s head.
“Wish I knew.”
~*~
“Yixing, please.” Kris lowered his voice, gripping Yixing’s bony shoulders. “Please.”
“I can’t..” Yixing let a tear escape as he began to sob quietly. “I’m scared..”
“I know what you’re worrying about, but Luhan has gotten over that incident. I’m sure.”
“I can’t.. the fear just creeps up to me..” Yixing let himself lean against Kris, his face buried in Kris’s broad chest. “What do I do, Kris? What can I do to help him? He’s in so much pain, too much pain.. And yet I can only stand and watch, it makes me hurt as well..”
“Why don’t you just let Luhan know?”
Yixing’s eyes narrowed into slits as he stared up at Kris. “Know what?”
“Stop it, Yixing, I know you’re in love with Luhan.”
“He doesn’t feel the same way.”
“You’re sure? Have you told him of your feelings?” Kris felt like shaking Yixing’s shoulders for being so unconfident.
Yixing’s shoulders slumped, his face sad again. “I’m certain. He’s not in love with me…”
“Even so, I think you’d feel better if you told him how you felt instead of just keeping your feelings to yourself. At least you confessed, at least you let him know of your feelings. At least you tried!” Kris wanted to slap Yixing now.
“I don’t know.. I can’t bring myself to say it, honestly.” Yixing smiled slightly. “I guess I was being paranoid. If you say he’s going to be alright, I believe you.”
“He will be alright, Zhang Yixing, nothing happened to him in the first place. Let‘s get back now and stop being childish, alright?”
Yixing smiled as he followed Kris. “Oh, and Kris?”
“Yeah?”
“About confessing to Luhan.. Maybe I’d do it.. When I’m drunk or something.”
“Jeez. Suit yourself.”
~*~
Luhan only had two things on his mind.
Number one, a warm bed. Number two, a cup of hot chocolate.
He was more than surprised when he opened the door to find all 11 members of EXO gathered around, and when they looked up at him he gulped. They were looking at him as though he had committed some kind of unforgivable crime and they were about to execute him.
Accusing eyes.
“Yo, what’s up?” Luhan blinked, not knowing how to react to the 11 seemingly unhappy boys.
“All EXO members should be responsible of themselves and not make any other worry, says Luhan.” Kris starts, his arms crossed. He was sitting down beside Joonmyun, who was looking rather scared. “Only childish people make others worry about them, says Luhan.”
“Okay, what’s going on?” Luhan asked, crossing his own arms as well. He wanted to shower because he felt smelly, and yet all the boys looked like they wanted to interrogate him.
“I can take care of myself very well, says Luhan.” Kris snapped his fingers. “Says the Luhan who disappeared last night without telling anyone where he was headed, says the Luhan who didn’t even contact any of us, says the Luhan who made a sick Sehun go out the entire night to look for him, says the almighty sensible Luhan.”
Luhan gaped at Sehun, already blocking out Kris’s mockery. “You were looking for me? For the entire night?”
Sehun bowed his head in shyness, a tinge of red invading his cheeks as he played around with his own fingers, at a loss of what to say or do.
“Just look at him, Luhan hyung!” Jongin frowned. “He looks like a panda right now, no, he looks like Tao!”
Tao glared at Jongin. Jong-dae guffawed while coughing in disguise.
“I was fine, I was just.. I just had something to attend to.” Luhan spoke softly, clenching and unclenching his jaws
“You could have called, Luhan.” Joonmyun, feeling that he should do his part as EXO-K’s (or otherwise known as child squad) leader, frowned, trying to look angry (but failing miserably).
“Alright, I’m sorry!” Luhan snapped, his irritation gnawing at his bones. He was tired, no, exhausted, and he just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep and snuggle in his own bed, not get blamed by everyone.
He just wanted a bit of understanding. Just a little. Why was it that nobody could understand him at all? At all.
“Damn right you should be!” Kris growled. “Now go wash up and get to bed, you look half-dead!”
Kris had given Luhan the escape he was so desperately seeking, and Luhan jumped at that chance as he bolted into his shared room with Sehun, closing the door. He entered the bathroom straight without a fresh set of clothes, peeling his own clothes off and stepping into the hot shower, letting out a sigh of relief that was dangerously close to a moan.
He showered quickly, scrubbing with soap and then drying himself with a towel. Wrapping the towel around his torso, he then left the bathroom, expecting a good sleep.
His heart almost froze when he spotted Sehun sitting on the edge of the bed on Luhan’s side, staring at his own feet sadly. Luhan swallowed the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat again as he walked over to get clothes. He didn’t even bother looking back at Sehun as the towel came off and he slipped into a warm jumper.
“Luhan..” Sehun called as Luhan passed him to get to the bed. Luhan stopped to let Sehun know that he was listening. “Luhan..”
“What?”
“Luhan..”
It made him irritated again, because he got irritated really easily when he was tired and there Sehun was just Luhan-ing over and over again when he was so desperate to get to bed. He turned to face Sehun, preparing to yell at him but all words turned into smoke and vanished as he watched Sehun’s tears roll off his face and land on the carpeted floor, creating small wet spots.
One drop, two drop, three drop..
“Luhan…”
Luhan should have took Sehun in his arms. He should have hugged the boy, telling him that everything was alright, but he couldn’t even move a single inch as he stood rooted to the ground, battling with his conscience.
“Luhan…” Another tear. They resembled little ping-pong balls, funny in comparison with Sehun’s sharp face. “Luhan…”
Six drops… seven drops… eight drops…
“Because I didn’t know what else to call out, what else to say..” Sehun sobbed, not bothering to even hide his tears. “Because we have no pleasant shared memories.. Because that was all I was capable of; calling out your name..”
Nine drops… ten drops…
“Because I didn’t want to be a burden, but I couldn’t not be one.. Because I wanted to hold on to you, but I ended up becoming a burden.. Because I wanted to show you I had a side you can rely on to, but it backfired..”
Luhan couldn’t remember the last time he cried so much. His own tears never fell easily, so why was it that he was starting to get teary watching Sehun cry, listening to Sehun?
“Because I didn’t know what to do, because we were like fools..”
Sehun covered his face with one hand.
“I’m sorry for being a burden to you. I was so worried when you left, I thought that I had done something wrong again…”
Luhan’s heart ached. Why did the kid even think that it was his fault that Luhan left the dorm? It wasn’t as though Luhan wasn’t coming back too.
“Hyung, do you dislike me?”
Luhan always felt pissed when Sehun called him Luhan instead of hyung, but now that Sehun called him hyung, he just felt strange.
He looked at Sehun, opening his mouth to let what he was feeling find their way out, but the words got stuck in his throat as he got tongue-tied. Slowly, Luhan shook his head.
“I’ll be good from now on. I’ll listen to you, I’ll call you hyung, I’ll let you order me around, and I’m sorry for sleeping on top of you last night.. I wasn’t aware of it either, I did it in my sleep.. Please don’t ever leave like this again, please at least tell us..”
Luhan wanted to scream at Sehun to stop, to shut up, to just continue being the annoying kid he was. The annoying kid who just had to argue back when being ordered around before he would do it, the annoying kid who refused to call him hyung, the annoying kid who was so insolent, the annoying kid who bossed him around at times, the annoying kid who made him smile.
But he couldn’t. Every time he tried to say ‘stop’, the word got stuck at his throat, refusing to come out.
And he did not possess the strength to fight it.
“I’m sorry, what am I doing?” Sehun laughed without humor, wiping his tears away as he got up. “You must be tired, and yet here I am bullting to you about all these. I’m a burden. I’m sorry. Rest well, hyung..”
Then Sehun left.
Luhan could no longer move as he battled against frozen time, his heart clenching and unclenching. He was tired of putting on a strong façade. He was tired of people changing, people walking out of his life.
He changed.
He would hold the ing door open for anyone who wanted to walk out of his life, but when the annoying Sehun he knew wanted to change, wanted to walk out of the door as the annoying Sehun he knew to become a sensible dongsaeng, he actually felt like closing the door shut and adding 10 extra bolts.
He didn’t want to let annoying Sehun leave. He didn’t want sensible Sehun.
So why, why was it so hard to get it out of his mouth?
“Don’t go,” was it really too difficult?
At that thought, Luhan shut his eyes, suddenly more aware than ever who on earth he was. And then all the words he had been holding back to tell Sehun suddenly got stuck in his throat and became a lump.
And he swallowed it.
Because it was simpler that way.
Because he was scared.
Nobody stayed. Every time he opened his door for someone, they all left.
He was used to it, people leaving, he was used to locking everyone out, building the wall around his heart.
Luhan collapsed onto the bed, pulling the blanket around him as he tried to drift into sleep.
Because if he thought about it anymore, he would become aware that he was only lying to himself, and that would weight him down even more.
He built a wall around his heart, he’d never let it fall apart, but strangely he wished secretly it would fall apart when he was asleep.
The tears that he was holding back, the words that became a lump at his throat,
He swallowed it all.
Time to go back to reality.
..................................... tried writing angst feel so OTL with myself now. do you guys know how to add hyperlinks here??? (^^,)
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