*********

An unexpected phone call cut Daehyun in midsentence. The younger told him to answer it because it can be something important.

It is Mr. Jung, telling his son that he and his mother will be back in the country next week.

The thing that used to be my phone is now just pieces of what it was. I threw it against the wall of my room out of exasperation. I clench my fist. Something inside me hurts and it is excruciating. What now?

I need to think. I need to do something.

“Jongup, get dressed” I ordered as I get up to dress myself.

“I don’t have to go with you” he responses with a hint of bemusement.

“we’re gonna buy a plane ticket”

“you have to stop him from going away like  a man, you don’t need me there”

“we are not stopping anyone from departing! That ticket would be for you!” I retort. Almost shouting.

“for me? I-I don’t understand” this time he is more bemused.

“my father just called and they’d be back soon so you better scram” I tried not to shout. I harshly pulled a random shirt from my closet.

“no.”

“WHAT THE DO YOU—“ I squeezed my eyes shut. Then I open them immediately. “I didn’t mean to— I just… please just get dressed and we’ll drop by to your place to pack your things and we’ll go straight to the airport”

“I said no. I will not go back abroad” he insists firmly.

“what do you think will happen if they find out that you are here, that you are breaching –, that is not even I fair agreement, they coerced you to leave— “ I paused when I noted I am raising my voice again. “Jongup, if they were able to do something like that before they might do worse. I am afraid they will. Please let us just act as if you were in studying in Berklee all along and that you did not went back here.  That way you’ll avoid possible troubles, right?”

“I do not want to go back there …it’s lonely”

“but…” I want to argue. I want to talk him into it. I want to convince him that what I think is the right thing to do. But I can’t. It looks like I really do not know what is good for him. I suddenly realized that generally I never really thought about his feelings since I am not sure when. Maybe since he came back. Or maybe ever since, even back then before we were broken away from each other.

Guilt is like a rusted knife that stabs my chest. I already know it is entirely my fault but I will never get accustomed to pain it brings. There is no one to blame but me. I feel very sorry for him and I hate myself that I cannot do anything for him. I am worried for what might happen next.

He is sitting on my bed, still while I am already fully-clothed.

He looks up to me with a small smile, “are you worried for me?”

I nodded and my feet voluntarily take steps to him. I want to hug him right now. So I did.

“thank you, Daehyun” he continues. “but you better get going.”

I pulled back a little to ask what he is talking about.

“if you are lucky enough, you’ll still be able to catch up on him”

“why do you insist that?” I whisper, more on to myself.

I sit on my bed next to him. My gaze fixed on nothing particular. I let my thoughts out my mouth.

“ I told you I am not sure about what I feel for that guy I.. I just.. don’t know up till now...  there is this thought that bothers me,  what if my parents learn about him, will they react like how they did on us? … however, my conscience wants to ask him to stay.”  I pinch the bridge of my nose. The emotions I am experiencing right now are doing an excellent work on tormenting me within. “then again a huge part of me knows my feelings for him are not certain. I don’t think that is enough to be the reason to stop him. Why would I and how can I stop him if I don’t have at least a reason yet?”

“yet? So you still need time? May I remind you he is leaving at this moment.” He sounds genuinely concerned.

I bite the insides of my cheeks. I know that. All I need is a reason. And I will it figure out.

Dammit. I’ve been here for a week now but I am not yet comfortable with the hot weather, it feels like the AC is almost useless. It is always like this at nights, when I am done doing my homework and other paper works I am having trouble sleeping. No matter how tired my eyes are from studying, sleepiness will not come right away.

At first I thought being alone is my dorm room is good but apparently it is not. The silence makes me feel so alone— alone with my thoughts, I usually over think. The only friend that I got during these moments is my beer. It helps me sleep too, only that I will surely wake up with a funny hangover or something. I remember that I forgot to throw away all the alcohol bottles before I left Sunhwa’s house. And that is why I haven’t called them until now. I know I promised to them right away but if I did they will just ask me questions that I don’t want to answer. It’s not that I want them to worry.

Here we go my thoughts again.

I know what will be next, like there is a pattern. One, I will take a beer from the refrigerator.  Second, will put ice on my glass then I will pour my drink. Third, I will think of Jung Daehyun.

He’s the root of all of these. Since we “broke up” I’ve been acting as weird as broken-hearted person but much more miserable. I am kinda proud of how I was able to hide from my Sunhwa and Junhong, even from my friends.  I take a sip of the bitter liquid. I learned to like the taste, just like the other alcohols I tried.

You made me like this, Jung Daehyun. I hate you because I think I love you…

I am stupid did not see that coming so I was not able to stop myself from falling for you, bastard. I take another sip.

If you only know how it hurts everytime I see you with that boyfriend of yours. The pain gets worse everytime I remember I willingly give you up to him. You were already mine but I let our “relationship” end just like that. I should be in that position not him …..oh I forgot again, you were originally his before I came in the picture. I downed the remaining contents of my glass.

I grab another beer. I did not bother to put it in the glass this time.

I was truthfully hopeful that you will go after me at the airport to beg for me to stay and be with you. On the contrary, I was also equally sure you wouldn’t be there because you have you Jongup and you are happy with him. Hell, how crazy am I?

I hate you because I think I love you… and you don’t feel the same

Maybe I was that bad in the past so I will have to suffer like this. May be he is my karma… if I fought for Suji back then maybe this is not happening to me. But it is what it is, I can’t escape the reality. I can’t escape because I need him. I want him. I love him.

I said to myself for the nth time as I down my nth bottle of beer. Yeah I lost my count already.

“Youngjae”

Oh, I am starting to dream now. Of course, it is him again. If I can choose, can it be a wet dream? I long for his touches and kisses.  I don’t like the nightmare-like ones wherein I am begging for his love but he does not give a or I will see him so happy and in love with someone else.

I get on my feet holding a half empty bottle. I narrow my eyes to clear my hazy vision. My hearts races. He looks real.

I move closer to him so I can touch his face. My fingertips touch the smooth skin of his cheeks.

“wow, this is the best delusion I have so far! You feel real” I drop the bottle to the floor, it broke and I feel the liquid splash on my pants. I cupped his face with both of my hands. I kissed him with passion to tell him what I feel even if this is just a dream. His lips are so soft and familiar. “you taste exactly like him”

“Youngjae, it’s me”

“you sound like him, too. I recall thinking about taking drugs but I don’t remember if actually did or am I that drunk?” I laughed. I trap him between my arms. I hug him tight, afraid that he’ll disappear any second. His scent is exactly like Daehyun’s too. “you’re not the real him I know that. But please let me pretend that the person I love is with me now. Please.”

He hugs me back gently afterwards all I see is black. My dream is over.

Jongup is walking to the library to return the books he borrowed. On his way he come across someone he is not expecting to see. He panicked a bit but chose to be polite. He greeted her with a bow. The greeting is not returned.

“where are you hiding my son?” she demanded with a cold tone.

“I do not have any idea with what you are saying, Mrs. Jung” he answer still with politeness.

“so the two of you are really sticking to your lies? I don’t buy it, you . Tell me where he is or you will find yourself in the jail. And by the way, you will also have to pay everything that I spend for sending you to a famous university abroad because you were not complying with our agreement, little brat.” She raised one of her perfectly plucked eyebrows while glaring at him. Obviously she is enraged but tries to look composed.

“but Mrs. Jung, technically I am complying. You see, our relationship is not existent for a long time now. He found someone else.”

“I told you Moon Jongup, I am not buying it. I know he ran away because of you and you’re hiding him—“ her hand was poised in the air to slap Jongup’s face but she was taken aback when she heard someone shout.

“oppa!” She narrows her eye at the tall teenager who appeared from nowhere. The boy’s arms encircled around Jongup’s arm and he has a bright smile on his face. “you’re late I miss you already! Here, let me help you carry those books –oh— I’m sorry ma’am I didn’t mean to interrupt, I did not see you right away I was so excited to my boyfriend. I’m sorry again”

 He bows to her. He asks his boyfriend who the woman is in an undertone but audible enough for her to hear.

The almost murderous look on her turned into a surprised one. Then she gracefully put on a collected expression. She put on her luxurious-looking sunglasses before she dramatically turns around to take her leave without a word. 

The sounds made by her heels as she walks are now muted by distance. The tall boy realized he is still holding on the other’s arm. He jumped away in surprise and in embarrassment. He bit his whole lower lip, he drops his head and he looked at Jongup through his dark blue bangs. He looks like a puppy waiting to be scolded –Jongup thinks.

“I am so so so sorry for what I did hyung, I just did that because I thought she –I mean I thought you, uhm I—I was just passing by then uhm I wanted to help, not that I usually interfere in other’s business but I saw she was ‘bout to hit your handsome face—“ he was explaining frantically yet stuttering when his tongue slipped a little. He blinks his eyes multiple times. Nothing could be more embarrassing than this, he thinks, can the ground just open up and eat him alive? He is screwing this all up, his crush might want to kill him now.

And he is right, he died but in a good way when the beautiful person in front of him smiled.

“what’s your name?”  Jongup ask the frantic boy.

“j-j..” he cleared his throat. He replies shyly “I’m Junhong”

“Thank you very much, Junhong. I’m jongup” he gives him an angelic smile. Of course, Junhong knows his name. He was sort of stalking him, taking pictures of him and all.

“you’re welcome! are you not mad at me or are you not thinking I’m a weirdo?” he blushes deep scarlet.

“of course not. You saved my life, actually” he winked. Junhong melts on the spot.

This is it, he thought.

“so if you owe me, can you do me a favor and go out on a date with me” he asks boldly.

“you’re so adorable” Jongup laughed. “sure, why not?”

Headache wakes me up. ing hangover. I groan as I try to stand up. I do not want to be late for my morning classes. The last thing I want to do is up my studies. I still cannot open my eyes, I got dizzy by standing up and I do not know what supported me so I will not fall. “It” helps me sit on my bed carefully which means it is “who” not “it”.

I try to massage my temples before I open my eyes.

“ah my dreams are ting me, I should be awake now” I comment because there is no way Daehyun is standing right here with a concerned look on his face. “this seems real”

“please, eat this” the thing that looks like Daehyun offers a soup.

“go away! I need to wake up okay?!”

“but I’m real, Youngjae. Please eat this first and take a warm bath then let’s talk” he pleaded. He kneels in front of me and he tries feed me the soup. But hell no, so I pushed him away. I even kick him in the stomach.

The soup spilled on his clothes, some on the floor. The bowl he is holding broke into shards. It cut a wound on his hand.

. I AM NOT DREAMING. That is really him.

I want to help him up but I am frozen. I can do nothing but ask, “why are you here?”

He stands up and carefully walks to me. His stare can bore holes on my soul. It is impossible for me to stare back. “because I love you too”

Because I love you too. Ah right, I remember last night, as clear as crystal. I confessed to him. Now he claims to feel the same. How great.  What am I suppose to feel right now?

 I look up to meet his meaningful orbs that tell so much emotion, it makes me shiver.

 “don’t fool around like that, it is not funny” His good hand tenderly wipes away the tears on my face. I flinch. It made him quickly withdraw his touch. “and I might believe you”

“I am in love with you, Yoo Youngjae. I understand that you don’t believe me right now because of everything that happened between us from the start but I am willing to spend everyday of this lifetime to prove it to you if you’ll let me. I will not make you regret that you love me. I know was the stupidest bastard before because I did not treat you the way a beautiful person like you should be treated. Trust me, just tell me what I need to do for you to forgive me for all I have done to you, I will do each and everything that you want me to do while I am breathing. Yes I was such a sicko and I deserve to rot in hell when I die. I might not deserve to be with an amazing individual like you but please give me a chance” I felt every word he said like he truly means it. My entire being feels a sweet ache that pushes me to give into him. He suddenly curses, and I heard him mumble to his own, “, I sounded like a cheesy movie. I should have at least prepared a speech or something nice before doing this. ”

Tears on my face now are because of laughing. I am laughing so hard I cannot breathe.

“idiot” I cough for air as I continue to laugh.

“hey! don’t laugh, I tried my best okay?” he defended himself. “besides you have no choice you already committed to marry me.” He brandishes his middle finger wearing a silver ring. “see?”

It was he ring that he bought for the both of us when we were in Jeju. We were in blissful insanity that time. “you always wear that?”

“well, its either my fingers got fat or the ring contracted I can’t get if off” he sit beside me and he kisses my shoulders. His one arm hugging me and the other holds my hand. The warm liquid trickle on the back of my hand, I forgot about that gash on him hand. I tried to stand to get my first aid kit but he is not letting me.

“we need to treat your wound” It appears, he forgot about it also. He let me go and I immediately wnet back with the things I need.

“you threw yours away?” he seems disappointed and hurt.

“I am wearing it” I pull out the silver chain around my neck and the charm is my ring. I took it off and give it to him.

I can’t believe this is actually happening. He is on his knees again facing me. “I know you will say yes but I will still ask you to make me the happiest man in this world. Yoo Youngjae, I want to keep you with me from now on until the end of forever so will you marry me? …though I guess I will have to use your surname instead—“

“w-what?” my happening is interrupted by surprise.

“I told you I will do everything for you, even if it means giving up my parents. So will you say yes?”

“yes, yes. I love you Daehyun” he slid the ring around my finger.

I never felt this happy in my whole life. But I am damn sure I will be happier in each day that I will spend with him.

*********

that's it. asdfghjklqwertyp i've finished this story after almost a year.

you see, it is marked as complete BUT i can write another one you call a bonus chapter. it depends on you guys~ tell me if the ending is not satisfactory or the i am so awesome you can't get enough of it