“don’t leave! Please please I’m begging, don’t leave me” he clings on my leg using his arms and legs as if his life depends on it. I have to say, he is doing a good job immobilizing me. “don’t do this to me. If you’ll leave I am pretty sure I’ll get poisoned with my sister’s awful cooking because I am already used to the delicious food you cook. No one will tutor me on math, no one help me bath Brownie—“

“Junhong.let.me.go.or.I.the.plane.will.leave.me” each word I say corresponds to every fail attempt to free my leg from this giant koala. He repeats his speech like he believes that it will change my mind.

“STOP THAT JUNHONG” Sunhwa comes to the rescue. She pinches his ears and pulls him up by it until his grip around my leg loosens. I take the chance to escape from him. “little brother, you are too big to act like that”

“aaah! Noona that hurts! See Youngjae-hyung ,noona is really dangerous she’s hurting me. Can you leave poor Junhongie like this?” After hearing this, Sunhwa pinched his ear harder. That, I think, made him come round “I mean, see you soon—aah!— hyung, hurry you might get late –noona please stop!— take care and don’t worry about me, my pretty and loving noona will take care of me”

This is such a cute scene to watch. I cannot help but laugh. They always fight like this and it has grown in me. I will miss them while I am away.

There are so many things I will miss… though I am already missing something, the distance will make me miss it more.

“you! Stop laughing and get the hell out of here. Do not forget to call us when you’re there” she cutely blew a kiss to me. “be safe, Youngjae!”

“I will, I will! See you in eleven weeks” I waved before getting into the cab.

Daehyun collapses on top of Jongup. He settles on him comfortably. Both of them are panting and sweaty, the aftermath of their activity. He whispers a thank you to the younger then pulls the blanket to cover their bodies.

For a moment, only their breaths can be heard until one speaks.

“Daehyun?”

“Hmm?” he is tracing the defined muscles of Jongup’s chest. His ears pressed against the damp skin trying to listen to the subsiding heartbeats.

“he is leaving today” he says softly in a serious tone. Daehyun paused momentarily.

“I know” he answers plainly resuming what he was doing.

Jongup sighs. “won’t you go after him? If you won’t, you will not see him for almost three months. That’s a long time”

“why will I do that? I am with my boyfriend”

“yes you are, physically but… I think your mind and your heart is with him.” His voice became even softer and more serious “we are together but you love him”

Jongup felt the older froze.

“a-are you crazy? I mean, w-what are you t-talking about?” he lifted his face to look straight at the other’s orbs but he cannot do it, he even stuttered in shock. Not a single word he said sounds believable because Jongup knows better.

“you don’t have to deny it… you screamed his name while you were inside me”

“n-no I didn’t, I was just—“ he cut himself off. He knows there is no reason for the younger to say this if it is not true. He realized that if he will make up an excuse Jongup will be offended more than he already is. “I’m sorry”

“it’s okay. I am used to it”

Now Daehyun wants to choke himself or do anything to inflict pain to himself.  And it was not just once, he always mentions another man whilst pleasuring himself using the body of someone who undoubtedly loves him. It happened for many times no one can call it accidental. It does not matter if he had done it unconsciously, he still had done it. He is guilty that he had been thinking about Youngjae but he has no idea that he was making it terribly obvious.

Unable to think of how to act and what to say, he buried his face into Jongup’s neck.

A soothing hand came to caress Daehyun’s damp hair. It might be ironic but the touch is so soothing it made him cry. Warm tears automatically flowed from his eyes. The feeling is horrendous and pleasant at the same time. Horrendous that he knows he does not deserve this gentle treatment and pleasant because someone is not letting his negative emotions get the best of him.

“why are you not angry? You should be angry at me! You should at least punch me in the or—“

“no. I should be sorry. I should not have came back to ruin what you and Yougjae had.  I am sorry”

It is heartbreaking to hear him apologize when did nothing wrong. This is entirely Daehyun’s fault.

“listen, Jongup. Youngjae and I did not have a real relationship.” Daehyun wants to be as genuinely honest as he can; he lifted his head to face him and intently fixed his stare to Jongup’s eyes. “you know I thought you only used me right?” Jongup nodded without breaking the soul-piercing eye contact. “that is why I wanted to get back at you. I used him to know if your feelings for me were true and when we confirmed it, I wanted to make you jealous. I wanted to hurt your feelings…”

He paused to observe the face under him. He searched for any sign of anger but there is only a pain overridden by an understanding expression.

 He presses his forehead on Jongup’s before continuing. “but when you told us the truth, it turns out that you are much of a victim than me and I was punishing you for something that was not your fault, I was such an idiot. I even used Youngjae for that ... I got really confused, Youngjae too, and we do not know what to do. We decided to stop pretending. I wanted to correct the mistake I made—“

“you thought reconciling with me will make things right but the outcome only put you in a more complicated situation, you became very confused of your feelings” Jongup finished the sentence. The words took him by surprise. It causes a burning internal pain for Daehyun, one because it came from Jongup and two because there is truth in it. “you guys pretended, and in the process you fell for him?”

The older closed his eyes. He is trying to comprehend everything and to focus. He wants to answer that question with honesty. It is really hard to answer. He never dared to ask that to himself before. Ever.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure” Daehyun is disappointed with his own answer. He cannot come up with something certain.

“when will you be sure?”

“why are you doing this?” he countered. His voice is still weak from crying.

“because I love you and I want you to be happy. I want to stop being selfish. I cannot keep you with me if you want to be with someone else, I am making you unhappy”

“. How can you say that to yourself?” Daehyun shook his head. He cannot believe that Jongup is saying these things. It makes him guiltier, if that is still possible. “you are the one who is deserves happiness, not me”

“ we can argue about that in other time, but his plane might be leaving any moment. If you will not make up your mind now you might lose him completely”

“but how about you?—“

An unexpected phone call cut Daehyun in midsentence. The younger told him to answer it because it can be something important.

It is Mr. Jung, telling his son that he and his mother will be back in the country next week.

I turn to the thirty-first page of the book. While on the second sentence of the page I thought I heard a familiar voice call my name. My heart skipped. Did he come here? I hesitantly stood to look for him. I turn my head to the side where I think I heard his voice from but he is not there.

Quit imagining stupid things. You should know by now that he does not want anything to do with you.

I flop down to my sit. I reopen my book to continue reading. I finished twenty more pages. I stop to glance up hoping I will see him. Stop it Youngjae, he does not care about you leaving. I carry on reading until one of my schoolmates announced that it time to go.

“hey, why the face? Are you not excited Youngjae? Come on let’s go”  my classmate babbles as she happily follows the other students.

Why am I so disappointed? I already knew that he will not come.

Back in Sunhwa's home, she decided to clean the house only because she is really bored and her surroundings feels uncomfortably silent. Junhong feels that too so he decided just do something. He turned his macbook on. This became his habit, looking at the pictures he secretly took as if he is a stalker or something. He is in the middle of admiring how good the pictures look when his sister called his name from behind. His eyes went wide when he realized that Sunhwa saw the picture.  He clumsily jumped and closed his laptop with a slam.

She is fuming.

"oh noona, let me explain—"

"you better give me a good explanation why there are so many empty containers in all sorts of alcoholic drinks in different kinds in the trash can? were you and Youngjae secretly —"

:"WHAT? empty containers in all sorts of alcoholic drinks in different kinds in the trash bin? No no, noona you know i am too young too drink" Junhong is surprised yet he is glad "i thought you're gonna scold me for the photos..."

Sunhwa bit her lower lips. "then Youngjae was secretly drinking all of these? but why? i am sure he is not an alcoholic, he is not that kind of person"

"maybe he has a big big problem? people drink when they problematic" he tried to answer his sister's question. He sighed. He starts to worry about his hyung. All along he thought that his hyung is always happy, he never noticed anything wrong with him. "but why he didn't he told us about it?"

"don't ask me, i don't know too and i am worried..." Sunhwa is about to walk away to throw all the trash outside but he stop on her tracks. "AND WHAT ABOUT THE PHOTOS I SAW JUNHONG? WHO IS THAT GUY AND WHY DID YOU TAKE LOTS OF PHOTOS OF HIM. EXPLAIN. NOW"

*********

i know i know that this is the first update after ages... gosh i missed reading your comments please say something nice? 

and yeah welcome for the new subbies, i can't believe i still gained some even if this fic was kinda in a hiatus mode