I slowly lock the door behind me. As if the click of the knob is the cue, my stomach lurches. I take shallow breaths to calm myself. It lurches again.

Did I eat something that makes it ache like this –ah right, Daehyun and I forgot to eat lunch.

I just need food. Yeah, I need to eat.

I retch as soon as I take the first bite of the rice cake. I ran to the sink and there I vomit. The foul substance burns its way out my mouth. I cough then I throw up some more. It does not taste nor feel good. I wash my mouth with water once my stomach has disgorged whatever it contained.

Now the pain crawls to my chest and up to my temples.

I run my hand on my face to my hair and back to my face.

I tried to think again of another excuse but I cannot be convinced by my own lies. This sick feeling is not because of anything related to food.

I saw them eating up each other’s mouth. Hell I was just gone for few minutes to let them talk in that coffee shop and that scenery greeted me.

I shook my head. goddamnit. Why am I reacting like this? Why do I fell this way? What is wrong with me? These questions reiterates in my head.

Splashing water to my face is not much of a help..

I close the faucet when I hear the door open. The nearest thing I can use as a makeshift face towel is my shirt. I wipe my face using it.

“hey”

“hey” I turn around. Daehyun is not alone. I wanted to glare at him but I gave Jongup a nod to acknowledge his surprising presence. “ah, sorry I did not return to take my boyfriend back. Thank you for bringing him back” I bowed to him to show my ‘thankfulness’ despite of my cold tune.

Daehyun looks confused and shocked to my choice of words but Jongup just smiles. I hate it because it looks sincere.

“that’s okay, in fact it was my pleasure. You gave me extra time with him, thank you” he did a bow tad lower than mine before smiling to my boyfriend. A sweet and kind smile which I’d be happy to punch out of his face.

I laugh bitterly and loudly. My fists clench.

“of course it was your pleasure, maybe yours too Daeyunnie?! Ooh don’t look so shocked. I did not return to take him back but I came back and saw you guys face—“

“you were the one who told me to talk to him” Daehyun cut my sudden outburst.

“right! You were just talking. How can I be so stupid? You were sticking your tongue into his mouth. That is how you talk to me too. You even stuck your tongue in my “ I sneer at him. I don’t ing care that Jongup heard the last part.

“Youngjae…” he stopped to ask Jongup to leave us alone. He nodded and he mouthed something that looked like “sorry” to me then he left. I don’t know why I wished to never see him again and that he’ll leave us alone for good. Heck I don’t know where I got this hatred for him.

Seconds feel longer for me waiting an explanation why they were kissing or an apology for doing that mistake.

I stare at him like he is not the same person I was with last night –the most intimate night in my life… like he isn’t the one who gave me pleasant memories earlier today… like he did not make me feel so cared for, like he did not make me feel like he wanted me…

Is it weird that I need that person who made me feel those good things right here right now? …that person will not let me feel what I am feeling now.

I do not even know why I am saying these things in my head. Why am I reacting like this? Why do I fell this way? What is wrong with me?

I close my eyes tight to shut the tears in. I concentrate to dry the tears. Fortunately they dried up magically. I carefully open my eyes. Just in time to see his lips starting to move.

“I looked and sounded like a REAL jealous boyfriend, didn’t I?” I blurt out before he could speak. Such a coward action along with my fear of hearing something that might make me feel worse.

His facial expressions changed within milliseconds. It ranged from unpleasantly surprised to obviously puzzled to blank face and finally to a pleased expression.

“it was …so realistic” he flashes a blindingly bright smile. “good job”

I received right hook and an uppercut from a professional boxer. It felt like that when I heard him say he saw Jongup and I kissing. The words that come out from his mouth next hit me like knives. I had to ask Jongup to leave because I need to have a frank talk with Youngjae.

I know I have to talk to him so I did my best thinking of what am I suppose to say.

I took a little time pondering. I guess I am ready. I take oxygen in.

“I looked and sounded like a REAL jealous boyfriend, didn’t I?” he suddenly says. I felt a gunshot and something broke though I am not sure what that is. And I straightaway forgot what I was about to say, what I was about to explain and why I was going to apologize.

“it was …so realistic” it feels like a lie. I force my lips to smile. “good job”

Silence.

We averted our gaze quickly the moment our eyes met.

“you… uhm, back together now?”  what is he talking about? I ask myself. Me and Jongup. I answer.

“we’re… I’m not sure, I mean no we are not but… I forgave him already. You know it turns out that nothing was his fault so… yeah”

“that’s good… for you and him… and for me, too” he laughs throatily. I would find that laugh y in other situation but it hurts in weird way. “we could stop pretending like lovers soon right?”

“yeah. There is no need for that now”

“…we could break up now. Let’s act like we fought and… that’s it”

“okay” is all I can say.

He walks away. I follow him with my eyes as he goes to grab his things.

“hey. Where will you go?!” I shout at him.

“I’m leaving… we just broke up remember”

“Where. Will. You. Go?”  I repeat each word with emphasis. “you can’t…” no shouldn’t be saying this but— “there is nowhere for you to go”

He froze. He audibly swallowed.

“right. I cannot go home to your house. I can’t leave with you any longer” he paused to think “Maybe a friend will be kind enough to take me in for a while..?”

“just let me know, text me where will you be staying… I’ll send you your stuff” No. I didn’t mean what I just said. I want to ask you to just stay with me. We can still be together. Youngjae I still want to keep you with me.

 He walks toward me. He gives me a peck on my lips. It ends too soon so I pull him back to crash our lips together. Water drops on my cheeks. Our lips part. There’s water on his cheeks too. Before my hand can wipe it he stops me.

“goodbye”

“goodbye”

Jongup is leaning on the wall few feet away from the door he exited about half an hour ago. Once in a while he would shift his weight from one leg to another or he will put his hands in and out of his pockets within that thirty minutes. He has no particular reason why he waits there. Not that he actually is waiting for something or someone. He just stands by in case…

He lifted his stare from the floor. He hears the door open.

Youngjae walks out and stops on front of Jongup. His eyes are not bloodshot but he looks like he cried. His wet cheeks confirm he cried.

“take care of him” He did not hang around to hear other’s answer. He left after saying it.

I dialed a friend’s number as I went out the hotel. I shouldn’t be wasting my time being over-dramatic. I have problems on hand that need to be solved. Not to mention classes will be in three days, adding up a couple of problems financially. Your life is terrific Yoo Youngjae. Terrific.

She picks up my call.

“hello? Sunhwa”

He walks to Daehyun’s room. He stands in front of the door. He turns to leave to give Daehyun time thinking that he needs to be alone for now however he changes his mind. He made his way in to comfort the other. Daehyun and Youngjae broke up he can’t help but be guilty because he is happy with it. But he does not want to see him so lonely.

He sees him staring blankly on his lap.

“Daehyun” he kneels to see the other’s face. He wipes the damp face with his clean handkerchief. Daehyun notices he still uses the same perfume. The one he told Jongup that suits him. “I’m sorry”

The older looked evidently unhappy when he attempted to smile making the guilt heavier in Jongup’s chest.

“can you stay here?” he says without tearing his eyes away from his lap.

“yes. I will be right beside you”

*******

No more pain, goodbye, goodbye~                                                                         

In this part I always I ask you to comment, y’all know that.