A huge lump is forming in my throat which obstructs my breathing and stops me from talking. There is a ing rusty drill that bores a whole through my chest. I look down and I see my hands quivering, worse than my body. I don’t like this.

Youngjae, why aren’t you here? you. you. you. You’re useless. You should be here beside me.

Warm fingers gently tips my head, making me look at the beautiful face inches away from mine, the beautiful face that I despise more than anything. If I am weak I bet I had fainted with that familiar touch. It scares the hell out of me, it feels so familiar yet I had two years of trying to forget all the details about this bastard. I tear my gaze from his face and I notice how he is leaning to me and that his other hand is resting on the armrest of my wheelchair. It make me feel claustrophobic and trapped.

His thumb runs slowly on my bottom lip to free it from my unconscious hard bite.

“don’t. It’ll bleed” he says in a tone full of concern, similar to the tone he often uses to me …when we were still together. I reluctantly look at him again. “oh god, you’re breathtaking Jung Daehyun. I miss you so much. I miss how your eyes turn into crescents when you flash your smile, I miss watching you eat, I miss how your voice makes my stomach do somersaults I miss being close to you like this, I miss—“

He closes the distance between our lips. He moves his lips together with his tongue passionately, exactly how he kisses me two years ago. My eyes become lidded as his kiss floods my mind with our memories together. It reminds me how in love we were that we almost, if not worshipped each other. He was the center of my world and I was his.

That was before he left me.

Everything we had was just because he needs something from me. He only used me.

I pull myself together. I force my eyes open. I bit his lip to make him stop –a bad move. He might be thinking that I am kissing back. His tongue found its entrance. My breath hitches. I have to stop him. I try to push his wet muscle out using my own. that sensation it creates. It made him more desperate, aggressive even. But I will not give in. I bit his tongue hard. I feel my teeth sink in his tongue, drawing blood. Soon I can taste copper.

I feel triumphant and I got the will to push him away.

There’s blood dripping from the right side of his lips. I know his blood is staining my lips too. I smirk.

“why?” His eyes shining with what looks like tears threatening to fall. He wipes the blood using his fingers.

“why would you kiss someone who already has a boyfriend?”

“..becuase I love you”

“liar”

He advances and leans again. This time with both hands on the armrest.

“baby I am telling the truth. I love you and I never stopped loving you. I left because—“

“because you are a selfish and ambitious bastard”

“no, no I did that for us. I want to prove myself to your parents”

“Really.  Does proving yourself include using my parents’ connection to Berklee to get there? What good does your studying in abroad brings to me?” I click my tongue. The turmoil of feelings is turning me nauseous. “you left without warning right after our first time, when I woke up after I had the best night of my ing life you’re gone! You never called not even an email. Now you’re here telling me these lies. How cruel was that?!”

“Daehyun baby, please listen to this—“

“stop calling him baby” Our heads turns to Youngjae, the source of the voice. Great why only now. But honestly, he is a relief.

Youngjae seizes one of Jongup’s arm and drags him apart from me.

“I don’t approve it. I quite possessive with my properties”

I am almost stunned with the way he said those words. It sounds so real like he really mean it. Where that does comes from? I took a second to put on an unsurprised face.

“property? He is not a thing.” Jongup tightens his jaw. He looks offended.

“but I do own him” Youngjae pulls him closer and he hisses “and I won’t let anybody steal what is mine”

There is something odd about the younger that Daehyun cannot pin point. The older is just too occupied by the emotional turmoil he is experiencing because of his encounter with his ex-lover to care at this moment.

Little did his master knows Youngjae is having his own mayhem in his chest.

“explain” his brows knitted, eyes dark and could pierce.

I lean against the wall and put my hands in my pockets. I look upwards, to the white ceiling of the living room. It is better to look there than to him.

“I was held up by a friend. It was something …important” I continue without looking at him. ”don’t bore holes to me by that look, okay? I know I should have been there sooner. I swear when I saw him I wanted to warn you as fast as I can, I left my phone in the car and I told you I was held up.”

“you what?”

“I saw him …he passed some stuff. I think we’d see him more often when class resumes” I lock eyes with him. His usual strong facade is down. “I wanted to warn you. But obviously I was late. Sorry”

I let him put the pieces of information together. He clenches his fist and his lips form a straight line. Any moment he might break the vase next to him and use a piece of it to slash my throat.

Then he composed himself.

“I-I understand.”

I scrutinize him as he moves his wheelchair towards a wooden drawer. He opens it to search for an electric cigarette? And a small container. He shakes it and puts is back inside. I am concluding that it is empty because he takes a lighter and a tobacco instead.

He coughs briefly.

“tastes old.” Probably that is really old. Thick cloud of smoke rolls out from his lips while he speaks. “you’ve put on a good show there. That look over that bastard’s face, pure jealousy.“ he laughs airily. Then within a heartbeat I see his expression turns serious and his voice confirms he is in pain “let us say that his feelings are true, but he still left me. I want to know why… but I don’t trust that the truth will come out from his mouth. Help me find out the truth, okay?”

I walk to him and snatch that unhealthy stick. “don’t smoke”

“It hurts. I need a distraction. You know what happens when I drink”

“aren’t there other ways?” I turn away to throw it to the trash bin.

“there is and you know what it is: ing” he swiftly hooks his fingers into my belt hoops and pulls me down to his lap. He snakes his arms around my shoulder and my waist, locking me in a bone crushing back embrace. “best pain killer ever. It helps forget the pain for a good while …but it does not heal”

Normal me would be freaking out for being trapped in this position but hey, I find it okay right now.

“It helps forget the pain for a good while” I silently repeat to myself. ing, can that help me? Can that take away the pain caused by Sunwha’s news? …she could be lying. I prefer she is though I know she has no legit reason to. But I just don’t want to believe her…

I twist my head to him. His face is so close to mine that our lip touches. We already kissed three times before, surprisingly I am not bothered anymore by the fact that he is a guy too.

“I-if …will that work on me too? If I’ll f-?”

“watch your words, slave.” He moistens lips. His tongue brushes lips too. He closes his eyes. “something is bothering you”

“yeah”

“I noticed with the way you snapped at Jongup. What is it?”

I shook my head to say that I don’t want to discuss it. It pains.

We stayed like that for who cares how long before he ends the silence.

“help me with this revenge and… if I may, I’ll help you with whatever is bothering you” he did not kiss me but he pressed our lips together. I shut my eyes to focus only on this feeling so I can set aside the other unpleasant feelings.

*********

heh. i hate how things are making me busy, like boring-busy. ugh. not only that it is making me super stressed, it also is keeping me away from having fun. and i figured that this isn't my diary and you guys might not be interested to hear my complaints~~~ SO PLEASE CHEER ME UP? LEAVE A COMMENT :)