Nichkhun barely slept. He kept on staring at Victoria with lovingness and adore. But his eyebrows furrowed when he realized she was fidgeting in her sleep, her breathing quick and shallow, and her hands squeezing tightly every minute. Nichkhun was worried.

                Is she having a nightmare?

                …am I in it?

                Wordlessly, Nichkhun slid his hands into Victoria’s, their hands fitting perfectly with each other’s. Nichkhun smiled and carefully re-adjusted Victoria’s head so her head was gently on his. He felt content; his heart almost feeling like it would burst with joy.

                And finally, he dozed off, falling asleep with his hand still holding her hand.

-

                When, Nichkhun finally woke up, his shoulder was empty and his hand was left alone. Victoria was already awake and staring out the window, mute. Her breathing was slow and barely audible. She was clenching her fists but never left her gaze out the window.

                Nichkhun didn’t know if Victoria noticed that she was on is shoulder, or if they held hands, but she didn’t say a word about it. She didn’t talk to him at all, and didn’t even ask or question when he followed her to the gravestone.

                When they finally reached the grave, Victoria quietly took out a card, where neatly written words were on it, and taped it near the bottom. She placed the white chrysanthemums she had bought and placed it right besides it.  She crouched down, putting her head against the grave, and cried. She sobbed and whimpered like a little baby. She clutched the ground for support and cried out in Chinese.

                Nichkhun stood behind her, a few steps back, hands folded, as he watched her with sad eyes. He felt sadness grip his heart and for a weird reason, he felt guilt. Nichkhun knew why. He bent down and bowed to the grave several times, as they do in Korea, and prayed to Victoria’s father.

                I am so sorry, father. You have never seen me and I have never seen you. Yet, I love your daughter. I love your daughter so much, father, that I don’t know what to do. The more I love her, the more I seem to hurt her. I pray for you, and I pray for her. I hope you won’t stop watching over her, because I think that what she needs most right now, is not me…but you.

-

                “You can go now,” Victoria didn’t look at him. “I don’t even know why you came with me here.”

                “I came here for you,” Nichkhun said solemnly, his gaze threatening to see right through her.

                “No you didn’t. You came here to see me like this,” Victoria vaguely waved at herself. She wore no makeup and tear streaks left marks on her cheeks. Her hair was ruffled from the wind and her clothes were crumpled.

                “Why do you think that?” Nichkhun shouted, surprising himself at how loud he spoke than he wanted to.

                Victoria gazed at him.

                “Then why’d you come here, for?”

                “I said, for you.” Nichkhun said, his jaw tightening.

                “I don’t believe you.”

                “Then, how? How do I make you believe me?” Nichkhun grabbed her by the shoulders and put his face closer to hers.

                Victoria was scared, but she tried not to show it. She pushed Nichkhun off.

                “You can prove it by doing what you told me,” Victoria lashed at him. “You told me that we were done, that we broke up. So, didn’t that mean that you wanted nothing of me? Doesn’t it?”

                No, it was for your sake. I didn’t want to see you hurt.

                Nichkhun couldn’t speak.

                “Doesn’t it?” Victoria repeated, her voice softening a bit. She looked away, and gave in a sharp intake. “I’m sorry; I’m being horrible right now. It’s just…just…isn’t it best we don’t even interact with each other anymore?”

                She touched his cheek, which was so cold it felt like the wind stung it. He shivered a bit, but put his hand on top of hers.

                “I’m sorry,” she said. She drifted her hand off of his cheek and he felt the warmness lingering a bit before the wind brushed it off.

                As she walked away, Nichkhun fell on his knees and cried.

                Why, why is it that you always apologize, when it’s my fault?