“Hey, Nichkhun, why don’t we hang out for a bit?” Taecyeon offered. “We should all go and eat out tonight.”

                Nichkhun shrugged. “Sure, I don’t care.”

                As his 2pm members cheered and started discussing what to eat, Nichkhun stared out of the van’s window.

                He missed Victoria.

                All he thought about was Victoria.

                Victoria.

                Every day, he thought about it. Does she still love me? I still love her. When will we ever be together again?         

                Did she ever read my letter?

-

                After Victoria re-read the words  she had written, she was about to put it back in the envelope, when she saw messy writings on the back of her letter. Curious, she flipped to the back side, and was speechless to see what was there.

                Dear Victoria,

                                Sorry. That is the first thing I can say to you. Sorry, sorry, I am so sorry. You’re always apologizing to me. I rarely apologized back to you. So I will say it now. I am so sorry for all the hurt I gave you, the hurt you never showed to me.

                                While, near the end of our relationship, I was weak and a coward, you were strong and brave and you continued to love me even when I seemed like I stopped loving you. That’s not true, I always loved you. And I still do. My love for you will never change.

                                We changed so much, didn’t we? What happened to our perfect relationship? How did it get destroyed? And when I think about it, I’m the cause of it. I was the one who ended it. And you don’t know how much I regret it. I regret it so much, sometimes I wish I could just rewind all the way to that day and instead of saying, “It’s over”, I would say “I love you, forever”.

                                My memories with you, nothing can compare to them. They are beyond precious. They are like treasures to me, each treasure that I would deeply cherish until I die. You always made me smile, always made be happy, always made me relieved that you were mine, and mine only. I still kick Chansung in the knee every time he mentions one thing about you.

                                When I came into your hospital room, I wondered where you were. And then I saw your letter. I read it and I cried. So, I decided to write you my letter on the other side. And I hope that when you read this that you might forgive me.

                                You love shopping, but you would never spend more than 50 dollars. You love dogs but you would never take care of one. Your smile, to me, could light up a room, the neighborhood, or the whole city of Korea. Your laugh always makes me smile. Your personality made me proud that we were dating, and it still makes me proud that we were once husband and wife, and then boyfriend and girlfriend.

                                Before, you asked me. “What does it feel like to let go of somebody?” At that time, I was naïve and didn’t know how to explain the feeling. Now I know how to fully answer your question. It feels like the air’s been knocked out of your lungs, you can’t breathe and you feel like you’re suffocating whenever that person isn’t there. You constantly miss that person; constantly wish that you never let that somebody go. It feels like regret is always above your head. it feels like you’re not even living anymore.

                After letting you go, Victoria, that’s how I felt.

                                                                                I would find you again, and hug you, and never, ever let go,

                                                                                                                                                Nichkhun