One step back, two steps forward

Hyoyeon woke up at the crack of dawn again for the fourth day in a row. If it could even be considered that since she had mostly been tossing and turning in her bed the entire time. 

She examined the bags under her eyes in the bathroom mirror with a frown. It was a good thing that she didn’t have any activities scheduled for the week or else she’d get an earful from the makeup unnie – no amount of concealer would be able to mask those dark circles.

But she couldn’t help it. The hurt in Doojoon’s eyes kept replaying in her mind every single second and she was filled with regret and desperation. There was a permanent gnawing ache inside her – she wanted so badly to see him smile at her, to hear his soothing voice and to feel his strong arms around her again.

Why hadn’t she stopped him? Why hadn’t she told him that he was the one she liked? Why couldn’t she bring herself to say those three words?

Now it was too late. He must be well on his way to getting over her. So the best thing was to try and get over him too.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She pulled the hood of her sweatshirt tight around her cap and jogged towards the SM building. The sun was creeping up slowly from behind the apartment complexes playing peek-a-boo with the deserted streets. 

Hyoyeon took deep breaths letting the cool morning air take over her lungs and her mind. 



The security guard quickly straightened up when he spotted her at the back door. 
“Hyoyeon yang, you are here early!” he commented fixing his hat and Hyoyeon bowed deeply towards him, “It’s okay ahjusshi. I have a card, please go rest.” He smiled gratefully at her and she gave him a little wave.



Inside the building, it was completely still. Her footsteps echoed through the hall as she made her way towards the second floor dance room. All of a sudden, she stopped. 

She had an unexplainable urge to visit ‘that’ room in the basement. It had been two years since she had last been there, which was in direct contrast to the five years before that, when she had spent every single day there.

Something told her that visiting that room would abate the restlessness in her heart a little. 
“Closure,” she rolled her tongue around the word and even just the sound of it was comforting. She headed downstairs.



It was the last room at the end of the long hallway – the smallest and most unused room in the building which was why they had been drawn towards it. Most people thought it was a storage closet.
In the beginning, they had used it for extra practise – to come up with routines for the weekly talent shows without being seen by the other trainees.
But once they grew older and discovered their feelings for each other, it held a different purpose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With slight reservation, Hyoyeon turned the door knob and stepped inside.

She was taken aback to find it looking exactly the same – like someone had been lovingly tending to it all this time. That had been her job! He had laughed as she told him in all seriousness that she felt sorry towards the room and wanted to take care of it. She had pouted and scolded him that he should be nice to the room too since it was so good to them. It was the one place that they could steal away to and spend time together away from the prying eyes of the SM teachers.
As usual, she won and they had decorated the room together the next day with pictures and random things they’d scrounged up from their homes.



She ran her fingers over the walls lovingly like she was getting reacquainted with an old friend. 

The little corner was where they had had their first kiss.

“Oppa, why are you acting so weird today? Sit down, will you! You’re making me nervous.”
Hyukjae turned towards her with a gummy smile, wiping his clammy hands on his t-shirt. “Come dance with me!” He pulled her up.
Hyoyeon blushed at the sudden close contact, her heartbeat speeding up. She had been trying so hard to hide her crush on him.

It had happened so unexpectedly. 
For years, he was always goofy Hyukjae oppa to her – the one who made her sides ache with his jokes and gags, the one who practised with her because their styles were so similar, her best friend in the company.
But as she grew older and boys started confessing to her, she found that she was always looking for a reason to reject them – no matter how cute or popular they were. She preferred spending her time in their dance room practising new moves, eating junk food or talking about her dreams with him.

It had been instant. 
While watching him dance during one of the weekly talent shows, she had thought, “Wow! Hyukjae oppa looks really handsome when he dances.” And ever since that moment, that was all she thought about. Her first and only love.



“I want to try this move out for the next show. It’s a bit different,” he told her while clasping her hand tighter. He had suddenly shot up the past summer and was now almost a foot taller than her.

She nodded silently unable to look up at him – hoping that he couldn’t hear the pounding in her chest.
Counting out the beats, he extended his arm spinning her out. Swiftly, he followed it with a strong tug causing her to crash into him clumsily. He caught her in a firm embrace – their faces inches apart.
He smiled at her and she understood that he had planned this.

Giddy with happiness and terrified of her first kiss, she closed her eyes, her breath coming in short rasps. His lips touched hers a second later in a chaste kiss and she swore she saw stars.
“Hyoyeonah, will you go out with me?”

The moment was so clear in her head like it had just happened.


They all were. 

A faint blush crept up her cheeks as she remembered the kisses that followed as their relationship progressed. Over by the ratty old couch, they had made out for a record two hours without being interrupted by their teachers and other trainees. She could still feel how bruised and swollen her lips had been for days after. And the wall that he had passionately pushed her up against when she had returned from China after being gone for six months. She had seen a different more aggressive and masculine side of him then.

Other memories too – celebrating birthdays, taking naps in each other’s arms, leaving secret love notes around the room, crying happily when his debut was finally decided – came flooding back.

But it all came to an abrupt end when he had broken up with her, with no warning 
and she had never found the heart to visit the room again.



But now surprisingly, it didn’t hurt so much or even at all. Instead, she felt warm and comfortable. Perhaps because she had finally stopped yearning for the past, she could look back on it with an appreciation for the good memories.

Yes, looking around the room, the restlessness inside had quelled a little and she had a good feeling that things would be okay soon.
All of a sudden, she was overcome by drowsiness. Curling up on the couch, she decided to take a nap.

***********************************

Eunhyuk shoved his hands deep into his pockets as he climbed up the stairs of the SM building two at a time. He had woken up early to work on choreography for Super Junior’s 3rd album comeback single.

As the doors slid open, he almost collided with the security guard.
“Hyukjae shhi, good morning.”
Eunhyuk gave him a teasing smile, “Hyung, I’ve been telling you for four years to just call me Hyukjae!”

“Ah yes, Hyukjae ah. How come you are early too?”
Eunhyuk’s eyebrows rose in curiosity. It was only 7 in the morning and he had been sure he would be the first one there.
The older man’s face suddenly lit up in a knowing grin, “Never mind me. Go ahead.”

Seeing confusion take over Eunhyuk’s face, the guard quietly said, “Hyoyeon yang is already inside – in the basement” and walked away tipping his hat.


The security guards all knew about the secret couples inside the company thanks to the gossip loving cleaning ahjummas. And he was very fond of this particular couple. He remembered seeing them looking so in love some years ago and had been as surprised as everyone else when they broke up. He hoped it would work out for them this time.

*****************************

Hyukjae paused at the top of the stairs. He had heard the security guard correctly, hadn’t he? He did say she, Hyoyeon, was in the basement.

“Don’t get too hopeful, Hyukjae” he commanded himself but a tiny voice spoke up at the same time playing devil’s advocate “but it had to be a good sign, right?” He couldn’t help agreeing with the second thought – or rather he wanted it to be true. For the past two years, she had avoided that room – their room – like the plague. He knew because he had waited for her to show up every single day.

Now that she had finally returned, could it mean she was ready to forgive and forget?
Could Sooyoung have been right for a change?
Was she ready to accept his heart again? 

He thought of her smile as she said goodbye to him in the car and it made him crave for more.

As questions swam in his head, he decided that the only way to find out was to face it head on.
He was dying to see her again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He ran down the stairs and then down the hallway.
After a brief pause at the door to catch his breath, he pushed it open.



The room was empty. 
“Of course! You idiot!”



Crushed, he turned around to leave when he heard a little stir. His gaze shifted towards the old couch in the corner and there she was - looking like a modern day Sleeping Beauty.

He silently inched forward, his breath catching as her face came into view more clearly. 

She was breathing softly, a half smile on her face – it had always calmed him to watch her sleep. She looked like what he imagined angels in heaven to be.
A few tendrils of her hair were splayed across her cheeks and he leaned forward and gently brushed them aside.

God, she was beautiful! 
He cursed under his breath. She had been his…

Kneeling down beside her, he studied her features lovingly. It had been so long since he had been able to observe her so closely. Despite the fact that it had only been two years, her face had matured. She was a woman now.. 

Before he could stop himself, his hands had reached out and his fingertips gently ran across her cheekbones. She shivered in her sleep causing him to draw back hastily. But she was still fast asleep. 

He got up with a sigh and walking over to the cabinets drew out a large towel and covered her with it.

With one last look at her perfect form, he turned around and left the room.

**********************************

Hyoyeon woke up lazily, stretching her limbs out with satisfaction. She had been dreaming of rainbows and unicorns and all kinds of happy things. 

“Mm.. maybe 5 more minutes,” she murmured and turned to the other side but was faced with something strange.. like a squishy wall.
She patted the space beside her and it was squishy as well. “Uh oh! This is definitely not my bed.”


She jerked awake and sat up looking around the room in a daze. Slowly it all came back to her – her thoughts, her run to the building and her strange desire to visit this room.

She gazed down and noticed a towel covering her body.
“Gee, I must’ve been so tired and sleepy, I covered myself with a towel.” She giggled to herself and then got up quickly, not wanting anyone to discover her there. 



As she turned to leave, she gazed around the room one last time.
At least, this morning was good for something.

With a smile, she softly whispered, “Goodbye. Thank you for the memories. I’ll come back to say hi sometimes!”

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