Kris opened the front door, heading into the house and chewing on his lip. He was going to ask Umma about getting a library card, he had decided. He knew that was kind of permanent thing, and strictly speaking the residence wasn’t permanent, but he wanted to read more and he was completely out of books. He heard Lay and Umma’s voices coming from the kitchen and he headed that way, trying to settle his nerves and anxiety. It was just one thing. It wouldn’t cost her any money. If he ended up having to leave he would bring the books back himself. He stepped into the room and glanced between them before taking a seat beside Lay and setting his bag down.

Lay immediately leaned on Kris, pouting up at Umma as she shook her head adamantly. “I said no, Yixing.” She said softly, glancing over at Kris. The blonde in question leaned away from Lay on instinct, already assuming he’d done something wrong.

“Mama...” Lay whined, his arms going around Kris’ waist and pouting. “It’s just a few people.”

“I don’t think he’s ready for that.” Umma said gently, coming around the table and running her fingers through Kris’ hair. Kris’ eyes widened, and he swallowed hard, his heart stuttering. That definitely felt too close to vulnerability.

“I think he’s scared of you.” Lay mumbled bitterly, and Umma stiffened beside Kris, her fingers stilling in his hair. Her hand dropped to the back of his neck, watching Kris for any sign that he was uncomfortable. Kris opted to change the subject.

“What are you guys talking about?” He asked, and Lay turned his pout on him instead.

“I want to have a sleepover. I used to have them every weekend before you moved in.” Lay explained, and Kris stiffened considerably, his stomach rioting.

“So have them over.” Kris said, shrugging a little.

“Kris, you’re still adjusting. Throwing a bunch of people on you all at once won’t make things any easier.” She said, wrapping her arm around his shoulders in an attempt to comfort him. “Lay has never had to move, so he’s never had to try to settle into a new place, much less a new family. I’m trying to explain that to him.”

“It’s just our friends!” Lay whined. “Kai, Baekhyun, Sehun...Tao?”

Lay’s eyes were pleading, and Kris swallowed, nodding. “It’s okay with me. I’m fine.” Kris insisted, and Umma looked uncertain as her eyes Kris.

“Kris, honey, it’s not just four people.” Umma said, looking at Lay pointedly. “It’s Xiumin and Luhan, too, and Suho, Chanyeol, Chen, and D.O too.”

“Oh.” Kris said. That was a lot of people, and the idea of them all being in the house was admittedly stressful, but his thoughts were racing around in circles that he couldn’t quite control. Somehow his brain supplied that if he were to make them unhappy, the same way he’d disappointed the other families in the past, he would be forced to move. He refused to dwell on the little pang that caused. “Oh. I would be okay. It would be fine. I know them all from school anyway. It’s fine.”

“Maybe you should invite someone.” She suggested lightly. Kris shrugged again, biting at his lip and refusing to make eye contact.

“I wouldn’t have anyone to invite.” Kris said. Umma opened to say something, but Kris was already reaching for his bag, intent on going to his room and reading. “I’m going to go lay down, alright? It was kind of a long day.”

Kris missed the look that passed between Lay and Umma as he walked away, going into his room and pulling out an old favorite to reread, since he didn’t have anything new. He realized then that he’d forgotten to ask about a library card, but he decided it could wait until the next day or something. He didn’t really want to put himself in the middle of them again for the moment.

Kris laid back on his bed, pulling out his worn out copy of The Outsiders, already losing himself in Ponyboy’s ramble about movies and eye color when he heard a soft knock at the door and looked up. He watched the door open, not sure who to expect, but when Umma came in alone he felt a little bit relieved.

“I told Lay that this weekend is too soon.” She said lightly, moving to sit on the bed beside Kris. “I know you’re trying, but if you’re not comfortable with any of his friends just yet then it would only stress you out. I don’t want you getting sick.”

“Comfortable?” Kris echoed, looking a little bit surprised, but he tucked it away quickly and shook his head. “Tao and I are...we’ve become comfortable with one another. If I were to invite anyone he would be the only one, and he would already be invited.”

“Tao?” Umma repeated, her eyebrows going up a little bit. “Ah, he takes to people so quickly. I’m glad to know you’ve made a friend, though. I know you care about Lay, so I just assumed you were trying to take care of him.”

“It is better to see him happy.” Kris allowed, watching Umma warily. He couldn’t deny that he did care about Lay now, but he wouldn’t admit it so freely either. Umma smiled.

“If you’re sure it won’t be too upsetting, I will give the two of you permission to have them over.” She said, her hand lifting like she was reaching for Kris, but then stopping and going to run through her own hair. “I did wonder though...how you were adjusting to being...here.”

“Here?” Kris asked, finally dog-earing the page and setting the book down. Umma nodded.

“What Lay said just now. Are you afraid of me? Or do you just...not enjoy being touched? I know it was a struggle between the two of you when you first arrived. I hadn’t meant to make you uncomfortable.” She explained, and Kris sat up quickly. Too quickly. It shouldn’t have mattered so much, he told himself.

“In Canada, and even before in Japan and in China, touching never took place so freely where I was concerned.” Kris explained lightly. “I didn’t mean to offend you. It was just unexpected.”

“Ah..I see.” Umma said, folding her hands in her lap. “I’ll be careful to keep that in mind next time.”

Kris stared at Umma for a long moment before nodding, bowing his head just slightly to her - though he wasn’t sure if he was doing it in thanks or apology. And he was completely unwilling to admit the way the thought of her refusing to touch him bothered him. He shouldn’t have cared. He wasn’t supposed to care. Nurturing was never something he was meant to have.

“I suppose that’s all I really wanted to say. I’ll leave you to rest for now. School must have been difficult without Lay there to help you.” Umma said softly, looking a bit reluctant to leave. Kris fiddled with his book for a moment before looking up at her.

“Ah...U..Umma, could I ask you something?” Kris said, still not used to calling her by such a comfortable title. He still wanted to call her Ahjumma most days.

“What is it?” She asked, relaxing a little.

“I know this is meant to be temporary, until something more concrete comes along, but I...” Kris glanced at the pile of well-loved books beside his bed. “I wondered if I could apply for a library card with this address? I would be sure to return the books before I leave, and cancel my subscription so you wouldn’t be left with a bill at all.”

“Oh.” Umma said, looking surprised. “Oh, of course you can. A love of reading is nothing to be ashamed of, Kris. And from what I’ve seen you’re very responsible. Of course I would trust you to rent books.”

“Thank you!” Kris said, perking up a little bit and barely noticing his slip to his native tongue. Umma laughed a little bit and fluffed his hair thoughtlessly before pulling her hand back to herself.

“If I could make one request though..” Umma started, and Kris faltered slightly, nodding slowly.

“What is it?” He asked.

“I would very much like to see you settle down a bit. The way you act, it’s as if...well, as if you’re expecting to be thrown out at any moment.” Umma said. “Please understand, that so far at least, unless you were to be permanently adopted somewhere I see no reason for you to change homes again before you’re of age.”

Kris felt his blood run cold for a moment, but he nodded anyway, bowing his head just a little in response. Umma smiled softly and stood up, waving to him just a little before heading out of the room and leaving Kris to the sudden, numbing anxiety attack he’d been fending off for most of the day.

Please see my blog post.