Chapter 33: Searching for You

It was a familiar hallway. Walking through it seemed as natural as ever, yet Sehun couldn't get rid of the anxiety brewing in his stomach. Though it was still light out, the corridor was dark, lit only by the dim, orange lights placed every couple of yards. He paused in front of a door, not needing to check the room number to know that it was the right one. After all, he'd come here a million times before, knocked on the same wood a million times before, seen the same scene a million times before--

But it was never like this.

There was never any hesitation, any fear, any tears stinging at his eyes as he lifted and dropped his hand. Something was stopping him from rapping his fingers against the door. Perhaps it was the memories--the sound of his own frustrated screams ringing again and again in his ears--or maybe it was the clear picture of his future, veil finally ripped away by a cruel, yet much too familiar hand.

He stood in front of the door, eyes not really seeing the lines incised in the wood. The last time he'd been here seemed like so long ago, but in actuality, it had only been a few months. Yet, those few months had hurt. Time had crawled and fled at the same time as he trekked across snow-filled streets, blinking at the lights of foreign cities and suffocating feelings. Loneliness had numbed after a while, the dull throbbing becoming something like an old friend.

Time doesn't stop for you, Sehun. It goes on, untrimmed. I'd expect you to know that now.

He'd never expect it to last--permanence was a dream, and he knew that. He just didn't know it would end so quickly, so soon. The voice his ears had attuned themselves to seek for no longer brought him joy, but rather, a hollow feeling in his chest, tearing his very soul apart with every word uttered. He used to be able to pick it out from amidst a crowd of bustling noises, and he still could. But now, he closed his eyes, turned away, and tried to ignore it. That gentle, lilting laughter, those deep, probing eyes--he used to search for them, but now he fled.

There were noises inside the room, and suddenly, the door opened. Sehun's head snapped up, and he took an involuntary step backwards. Luhan's expression quickly turned from surprised to that composed, professional mask he'd began to wear more and more.

"Prince Sehun, what are you doing here?" Luhan asked, the shaking timbre of his voice barely noticeable under the controlled surface.

Sehun's eyes were wide, sweeping across the expanse of Luhan's face. He didn't answer, choosing to remain standing there, just looking at him. It'd been so long since he'd stood face to face to Luhan, no crowds of people in between them. Now, though, there was a thick wall of formalities, of positions, of responsibilities separating them.

In the silence, Luhan's expression became concerned. He took a small step forward and hesitantly stretched out his hand.

"Sehun?"

His voice was vulnerable, unguarded--nothing like the cool, collected tone he'd used to address him initially. There were no honorifics, just a simple murmuring of Sehun's name, and suddenly, Sehun could feel his heart ache with so much longing. Memories of a more innocent, naive past flooded every nerve of his body. His trance broke, and he could feel the tears accumulating once more.

Luhan's eyes widened as he watched the tears spill over.

"Se-"

Sehun didn't let Luhan finish. He spun on his heels and sprinted down the hallway, hands covering his ears to block out Luhan's desperate screams of his name. He ran through the servants' quarters, ignoring the confused looks of the palace guards. He ran past the main hall, the offices of the ministers, past a concerned Chanyeol and Baekhyun, and to the edges of the Palace gardens. He ran until his legs could move him no further, until he stumbled and collapsed next to a tree. His labored breaths came in short gasps, not so much from the run but from the sobs wracking his entire body. He curled in on himself, knees against his chest as he rested his forehead upon them.

Irresponsibility is not an attractive trait. Indulgence is for the young and privileged, but you have duties waiting for you.

The aristocracy is an ugly place. I just want some peace and quiet. Please, leave me alone.

Leave, Sehun.

Leave.

Sehun screamed. The voice in his head was returning, saying the same things over and over again. He didn't want to hear those words anymore--he'd heard them a million times over during the past few months. He was tired of them, but his screams did nothing to drown them out. They returned, louder than ever, echoes bouncing off every edge of his mind.

"Sehun."

It was like a miracle--a soft whisper penetrating the cacophonous shouting in his brain. He raised his head, eyes still b with fresh, hot tears.

Luhan was standing in front of him, smile kind and accepting. He reached out his hand.

"Come on, let's get up from the cold floor."

Almost instinctively, Sehun grabbed his hand, warmth flooding his body when their fingertips touched. He let Luhan pull him up, eyes never leaving his face. Then, Luhan did something extremely uncharacteristic. He wrapped his arms around Sehun's torso, hugging him and patting him softly on the back.

"It's okay," he murmured, voice so sure and confident that Sehun almost believed him.

Sehun closed his eyes and hugged Luhan back, gripping him as tightly as he could like his grasp could somehow prevent him from leaving.

"I missed you so much," he whispered in between his sobs. "So, so much."

"I know."

They stood like this in the garden, the cool evening wind occasionally stirring the leaves above them. It gave Sehun a sense of comfort, of home, but not so much of closure and finality. This wasn't what he wanted--this was what he had tried to avoid. He didn't want friendship, didn't want to be one of the millions of people Luhan knew. He knew it was selfish, but he wanted to be the one person Luhan needed as well, because he knew Luhan was the one person he needed.

"I missed you too."

Luhan's words were soft, barely audible. But, Sehun could pick up his voice anywhere, and he heard the words loud and clear. He hugged Luhan tighter. They weren't the words he wanted to hear, but they were more than enough. 

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A/N: I swear to God this is not a single update okay next ch coming very soon omfgomgfomfg sry. Tumblr.

Edit: New chapter added! :)