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Finding you was undeniably the best thing in my life… Finding you gave me the biggest smiles but finding you also gave me the greatest pain…

 

I lean back against my chair and let out a sigh of frustration. My hand draws invisible circles on my temples and my mind went on a rampage of thoughts…the past year…the people I met and the regrets that erupted…the happiness we share and the words that ended it all. As soon as these thoughts evaded my mind, one name popped into my head; a name that I use to think of everyday, a name that I hold so much feelings for, a name that I love so much. Jang Hyunseung. I wonder how you’re doing? Do you miss me? Because…I miss you. A lot.

My hands unconsciously linger on my bookshelf, trying to find the familiar spine of a particular book but I only find the empty gap in its place. I instantly jump out of my chair, causing it to fall backwards while I scan the row of books more closely. There was definitely a gap and it definitely belonged to that sketchbook…Where could it be?! I ask as I scatter my notes off the messy desk while cursing myself for not organizing my books earlier. I swear…it was here a few days ago. I know because I was looking through it, reminiscing through my memories. You said you’ll forget about him…what are you doing now, idiot?

Upon hearing the ruckus from the chair crashing to the floor and things falling off my desk, someone uses a little too much force to open my door, resulting it in violently coming in contact with the wall.

“What happened!?” Doojoon, my brother ask, his voice in frenzy of panic, surprise and concern. I could hear his footsteps striding across my room.

“I…” I started to speak but the promise that I made to him came back to haunt me…I promise that I will forget him…

He raises his eyebrow in question, and continues to look at me, trying to see what’s wrong with me.

“I…lost it…Doojoon…I lost my sketchbook…” I responded. Why did my voice sound so helpless and pathetic?

He let out a big sigh and put his arms on my shoulders, looking at me in the eyes. “You still haven’t forgotten about him…have you?”

I slowly shook my head and close my eyes. How could I forget him?

“I threw it out,” he said, his voice as cold as stone and a deadpan expression on his face.

I didn’t have time to shoot him a death glare, to spit out angry hateful words; I dash out of my room and into the kitchen, trying to find the trashcan. I started to rummage through the trash, trying to find some remains of the sketchbook. It was the only thing that reminded me of him; I need to find it.

“…Stop…” Doojoon's voice rang but I could barely hear it; it was like a faint whisper at the back of my mind. Seeing that I show no signs of stopping, he grabbed my hands to stop me.

“I have it. Its right here,” he suddenly said and I finally look at him, my eyes widening in surprise. There it was, in his hand, in one piece and I could see some of the papers sticking out.

I grabbed it without saying anything and held it close to my chest. I register the look of shock, and hurt in his eyes when I did this and felt a tint of guilt. He doesn’t deserve this crude behavior from me…

“Airiss…I wanted to test you…to see if you’re over him…you said you would forget about him…what happened?” He asks, his voice overflowing with concern and worry.

“I know…I promise that I would…” I mutter…while my hands grew limp and the sketchbook slip from my grip…landing on the floor with a thud, scattering all the sketches of him on the floor…I bent down to pick up one sketch…and I felt tears prickling my eyes. Memories came crashing down on me and I allow them to overwhelm me, suffocate me, kill me…This is how our love started, Hyunseung.