Note: This chapter is written in the present tense 

ღ________Chapter 17: Good Old Times

I never did know how to bring personal things without making it sound serious. But saying it in a casual manner usually causes Nia to choke on her tea or Yoseob to exclaim in surprise. Of course, the dad card is always a sensitive topic and I was never good at bringing it up calmly, but I don’t want to make it a big deal, yet at the same time, I feel bad if I keep it a secret.

Since Kikwang’s here, I’m not sure how much he knows or how much I should say. It’s always a hazy line with him since we became close friends while skipping the ‘friends’ part so we know each other’s secrets but not the general stuff like favourite foods and such. It’s a weird friendship with him.  

Still, despite this, I still tell my friends everything with no fabrications, no omissions when we’re at Kerin and Junhyung’s place, supposedly ‘studying.’ There’s a lot of stuttering and mumbling from me but eventually, the words flow and the story tells itself without help from me.

“What do you think it means?” I ask, staring at my palms as if I was still holding onto the pocket watch. I can imagine it in my hands though, my fingers grazing over the vines and daisies.

“You’re strong Airiss,” Junhyung answers and I look up at him. I curl my fingers into my palms, ready to refute him. “Don’t you disagree with me; the fact that you tell us these things so openly and with so much honesty – if that’s not strength then what is it?” Junhyung continues, sounding tired like he usually is but this time, he’s sitting up straight, staring at me.

I stare at Junhyung for what felt like hours, wishing he didn’t challenge me like this. What he said made sense and if he was talking about anyone else then I would have agreed but I found it hard when it comes to me.

I wasn’t strong.

“It takes courage to tell people, even your closest friends, something so personal. I wish you’d see yourself in a more positive light Airiss because I do. I really do,” Junhyung adds on and I look away from him.

It gets really quiet because no one knows what to say. Junhyung is always quiet and observing others but when he speaks out to confront someone, it’s always hard to retaliate because he’s right. He’s doing it for my best and I know this. Deep down, I need to confront this someday but I just didn’t think it’d be from Junhyung. I see small movements from Kerin, with her hand on Junhyung’s knees, urging him to stop.

“I know it’s hard to see yourself like that when you’re so quick to hog the blame but please,” Junhyung emphasizes on ‘please,’ “Try.”

“The thing is,” I speak up and I refuse to look up because I know they’re starings at me. “I don’t know how to take it as my past without the shame. It was always easier saying ‘it was my fault’ and in some sick-minded way, that helped me live my life. I have to be better to redeem myself but now that the comfort is gone, what do I do? How do I live with my past? We were unfortunate? Bad timing? Don’t give me that melodramatic crap.”

I feel my hand shaking and I put my other hand over it to stop. I put my head down and tighten my jaws, feeling my teeth clench together.

I never realized that all this time, I didn’t like myself. It was subtle and wasn’t directly linked to the shame but they feed each other to form this vicious mental cycle that help me cope with the trauma. The tight knot in my head is becoming less tangled now that I’m saying it out loud. I should see Dr. Myung soon to sort out my thoughts and help me analyze them.

“It can be all of that or none of that – but it’ wasn’t your fault so you don’t have to blame yourself anymore,” Nia says. Still, I don’t look up at her because I can see my vision getting blurry by the pool of tears.

It’s not my fault.

There’s nothing for me to be ashamed of.

How do I live without blaming myself?

The thought of that made me wonder how I’ll continue living my life. Without the shame. So I don’t have a reason to avoid Mom or Dad. So I can talk to them again.

How will I do that though?

Nia scoots closer and lets me cry on her shoulder. I hear Yoseob stifle a small sigh of relief and mutters here and there. But the action I remember is not Nia softly comforting me but the gentle on my head and Kikwang whispering, “You did good, Airiss

*~*

“You didn’t have to corner her like that,” Yoseob comments shortly after the girls leave. Junhyung was right but there were other ways to tell her. Forcing her to face the situation head-on was cruel, and Yoseob didn’t have a problem pointing that out. He steals a glance at Kikwang, who watches them. Kikwang shows no sign of taking sides and Yoseob thinks of what to throw at Junhyung.

“I expect a scolding from Kerin today and spending the night on the couch, toppled with an angry phone call from Nia but I didn’t think I’d get one from you too,” Junhyung remarks, sounding slightly amused.

Yoseob rolls his eyes and throws a pillow at Junhyung. “You really thought I’d stay quiet?”

“Yeah, because you agree with my statement,” Junhyung says. “Are you going to go off on me as well?” He looks to Kikwang and Kikwang shrugs.

“You probably had your reasons for doing it,” Kikwang replies. “But your reason better be good because I don’t think making Airiss cry justifies anything.” Junhyung, for a second, thought Kikwang would agree with him but forgets that deep down, he has a slight infatuation for her.

To be honest, he cannot fathom why. Airiss is likeable but when it comes to romantic relationships, she suddenly gets all high-maintenance. She makes it hard to be with her because she’s always so cautious and keeps her walls high. He realizes that’s why their relationship didn’t work out.

“Maybe I was too hard on her but it stems from my feelings when I used to date her,” Junhyung sighs. He didn’t intend to tell them this but now, suddenly he’s the bad guy and he doesn’t want to be. “Maybe because it was my first ‘real’ relationship since entering university that made it different. I was naïve and held the ideology that love prevails.”

“I didn’t know you thought of love like that,” Yoseob interjects, sounding seemingly surprised.

Junhyung smiles, “I don’t now because that relationship taught me something: you can love someone and that’s the most you can ever do. Maybe I expected too much but Airiss kept a lot from me and it frustrated me because I wanted her to confide in me. We eventually started arguing because I didn’t understand and I guess, along the way, we realized that we weren’t very compatible as lovers.”

“So the words you told her today were your feelings from back then?” Kikwang asks and Junhyung nods.

“I always thought that when she told us about her past, it was so brave of her. She probably gets anxious but she trusts us so much. I admire her so much and I can’t see why she doesn’t see that,” Junhuyng continues.

Junhyung knew that Airiss expected too much of herself from the past and hated herself when she couldn’t do what she thought she could do.

It’s going to be a long process, Junhyung thinks, unwinding every event tucked into her brain and telling her each and every time that it’s not her fault but those things are left for her and her therapist to do – to reconstruct her thoughts.

Yoseob sighs. “Even you have moments when you’re irrational – I find that out of character for you.” Yoseob says this but knows it’s because Junhyung takes dating very seriously. If he can’t imagine a future with them then he won’t pursue it. If he chose to be with Airiss at a point in time then he must have cherished her and saw a future with her. Even though they’re just friends now, but cherishes her in a different way and wants her to be happy.

“Her dad coming back is a turning point, Seob. She has no reason to blame herself now and I want her to see this so she can be more optimistic about the future,” Junhyung answers and Yoseob stays quiet because yet again, he’s right.

*~*

Doojoon has officially moved into the house. Nothing changes physically in the house. There’s still another toothbrush for him, his shoes still have their place on the rack but it’s just the fact that he’s back that makes a difference. Though he still hovers over his laptop with the phone in-between his shoulder and ears, it’s easier for me to nag him to eat properly when he’s at home.

“You know, I wish you acted your age,” Doojoon grumbles while chewing on the last bit of dinner. “Or at least, cooked better.”

I give him a glare. “It’s better than your cold sandwiches,” I retort and he rolls his eyes.

“I’ve been back for three days and you’ve only been out once to meet your friends. What’s wrong with you?” He teases and I shrug.

“I would have thought you’d be happier.”

He plays around with the utensils and I stare at his empty plate. Despite complaints, he still asks for extras when he’s done. “I would be if you didn’t nag me so much. Geez, when did you turn 40?”

“Shut up or I’m telling grandpa you don’t eat here,” I retaliate and he groans in defeat. For some reason, our greatest fear is our grandpa coming here and complaining about our ‘unhealthy lifestyle.’ I get enough of it over the phone when he calls at the wee hour of the morning and I’m not awake yet. Doojoon is usually more forgiving and says that since he’s retired, he has nothing to do so he bothers his only grandchildren.

“I’ll be going to a party tomorrow to welcome our partners so make sure you go out then,” Doojoon changes topic and I smirk at the little victory.

“Who’s your partner?” I ask and Doojoon gives me a stare.

“Gina. Don’t smile at me like that,” he warns and I take the warning seriously. I’ve been hoping for a relationship between the two but after six years of confirming their strictly platonic relationship with me, I don’t think it’s happening.

“I know that family comes first then work and somewhere, love is on your list of priorities but don’t forget it okay?” I’m worried for any of Doojoon’s future relationship. I’m not saying that he’s careless but with work and family constantly in his mind, he’s going to forget small snippets about his partner. He’s probably not going to remember anniversaries very well or might rush out in the middle of a date because of a client. His partner in the future is going to have to be very patient.

“I know I know, don’t worry for me,” Doojoon says, ruffling my hair.

*~*

Since I was fairly quiet and reserved in my freshman year of high school, Gina made it her tedious task to bring me out of my shell. Her plan consisted of calling out to me while I was trying to find a lunch table or offering to drive me home (which I let her), or walking to class together. She even went the extra mile and gave herself a personalized ringtone on my phone.

Initially, my plan was to go through high school quietly with a friend or two because having too much attention on me felt overwhelming. Unfortunately, since Gina dotted on Doojoon so much, she didn’t leave me out of anything. Having your brother as one of the vital players on the soccer, baseball and track team didn’t help either. Just so we could go home together, I become manager of those teams and got to meet his teammates. Then people I didn’t know started greeting me in the hallway or complimenting my artwork. It was strange and unfamiliar but I didn’t entirely hate it. I actually found it nice. Eventually, I drop my plan and went with the flow of things. That’s how I met Kerin who was in the same art class as me and Nia who praise my work and offered me a spot at her table.

Life really can’t be planned out because of the unpredictable circumstances that change everything. I learned that the hard and easy way.

When I hear Gina’s special ringtone, I know another one of those unforeseen events is going to take place so I brace myself for the impact.

“Hey Airi,” Gina says and I can’t tell if her voice is naturally that loud or she purposely makes it that way.

“Hey Gina, what assistance can I offer you today?” I tease and I hear her laugh.

“You’re taking after your brother too much,” she says. “However, I need you to play herald.”

“Herald?”

“You know, that messenger,” Gina comments. “I was supposed to go with your brother to that party but my patient got hospitalized so I’m at the hospital right now because they can’t reach her parents. I don’t know how long it’s going to take until the hospital gets a hold of them. I tried calling your brother but he’s not answering and texting seems really insincere.”

“I’ll tell him when I can.” I try to imagine what Doojoon’s reaction would be. He’d be definitely concern about her patient and he’ll tell her it’s okay. Though, since he’s a prominent figure, it’ll look funny without a date. “I can fill in for you.”

Gina becomes silent for a few seconds and then laughs. “Sometimes, I wish I had a sibling who I can share a tight bond with.”

“You have us,” I remind her. We’re more or less like a family throughout the all years that we’ve known each other.

I can hear her smile when she speaks, “I know. You sure you want to go though?”

The idea of prancing in heels, socializing with business people and dancing wasn’t my plans for the evening but spending it with Doojoon wouldn’t hurt. He wouldn’t die without a partner but lately, he’s so stressed so I want to ease some of it even if I have to go out of my way to do it. But that’s what siblings do right?  

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

*~*

After trying on four dresses, Doojoon and I grow impatient. We didn’t have much time left before I was supposed to be at my appointment with Ella, the hairstylist and make-up artist. True to my predictions, Doojoon was frantically asking about Gina’s patient when he saw me. I also heard him give her a quick call while I was changing.

I smile, Doojoon never changes.

I stare at dress number five. It didn’t come with gloves like the other four though Doojoon reassures me that I could always wear them. Looking at the dress, I knew that gloves would draw attention away from the beauty of it but I still don’t feel comfortable without it.

I raise my arms up to have a better look at them, specifically the scars. It’s been nine years and the scars have mostly all faded. Only upon close inspection would anyone notice the faint white marks zigzagging on my arms. My finger trace over it, following the sharp edges and I wince as I recall the memories of blood once sipping from it. All of my scars weren’t courtesy of my father though, one of them is mine. And it was done out of irrationality and stress.

I can distinctly remember that the first time that it happened, there was swimming class beforehand. I don’t know why or how – probably due to the court orders – I’m exempted from swimming classes. So I sit on the sideline and watch as everyone splishes and splashes, the sound like music to my ears. I look up and see my classmates diving, swimming and laughing. I wanted to swim, I want to feel the water against my skin but my long sleeves at that time cling onto my arms tighter.

That night, I remember looking at my scars, thinking of ways to make them “disappear.” Frustrated and utterly lost, I started scratching in hopes that they’ll just peel off like paint or dirt. The more I scratch, the more red the skin become and eventually I draw blood. It didn’t hurt that much, it only hurts because the scars didn’t disappear. The scars stayed, the redness making it more prominent and soon and I now had a new scar.

I don’t think anyone notices the new scar because they never knew they existed and if they knew, they couldn’t tell if it was new or old.

It wouldn’t have made a difference.

“Airiss? Is the dress okay?” Doojoon ask with a hint of concern. He sounds close, like behind the door close and I stare at it, trying to imagine his hand near the door, ready to knock.

“I’m contemplating,” I answer and turn back to the dress. My fingers slide down the material and it feels nice and cold. I think it looks stunning but it might look different on me.

Doojoon hesitates before asking, “What are you contemplating?”

“This dress doesn’t have gloves.” I drop my hands and stare at my arms.

“You can try on another –”

“I’m going to try it on,” I interject.

“I’ll be waiting then,” he says and I hear an ounce of delight in his voice.

*~*

I know it’s the dress the moment I step out of it. It’s a midnight blue with beaded flower ornamented with vines surrounding the waistline. It’s a sweetheart neckline with a single flower in the middle. It’s simple yet very elegant.

Doojoon agrees when he stands up and gives me his hand. “I think we found your dress,” he says happily and I nod. His eyes land on my arms and he doesn’t hesitate to ask, “Do you still want gloves?”

I stare at my hands for a while.

To wear gloves or not.

To go bare is a big step. What if people stare? What would they think of Doojoon? Would they think ill of him? I can’t let that happen but wearing gloves wouldn’t match the dress. I wanted to look nice if I’m going as Doojoon’s partner.

It’ll also worry Doojoon because of the gloves. It did last time when I went with Kikwang but thankfully, the dress looks great with gloves so he didn’t comment on anything. He freaks out about a lot of things that I don’t know about.

“Want to ask Ella for her opinion?” he says and I nod.

*~*

Ella has sandy brown hair with blonde highlights. The colors are similar so her strands all blends in very well and brightens her eyes which she lines with white eyeliner. She gives off an overall welcoming aura when she smiles and I feel comforted.

We greet each other and Ella gestures towards the chair, patting the top of it. I feel her fingernails on my chin as she tilts my head to the side to stare at my face from different angles. I feel like a sculpture as she watches me and Doojoon gives me a smile so I trust her.

Ella doesn’t say anything when she sees my arms. Of course, she knows some stuff because Doojoon would have told her. She whispers something to Doojoon who nods and leaves.

“Now that your brother isn’t here, you can tell me what you want to do,” she says, putting her hands on my shoulders. She catches my eyes through the mirror and I stare back at her. “Gloves or do you want make-up?”

“Can you see the scars?” I ask her and she touches my arm. I feel weird, feeling her cold fingers on my arm. I feel like she can scratch the skin on my arm open if she wanted to with her beautifully manicured nails.

“No, only if I look at it really closely,” she says softly. “They’re nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Scars on people can look nice. They can be passed off as battle scars or medals to honor their bravery but mine feel ugly.” I tell her honestly. I could say it because Doojoon wasn’t here. I knew he wouldn’t agree and would be worried that I uttered something so horrendous but it’s true.

Ella looks at me through the mirror again. “I don’t know what happened except that it was an accident. But I can assure you that these are battle scars as well. You should look at them and remember that you’ve fought a hard battle. These scars are y as hell and I don’t want you feeling ashamed,”

I stare at her honest eyes and how she nods her head timidly. I almost believe her because of how firm she sounds. No one’s ever said that but then again, I’ve never told anyone how I felt about them – not even Hyunseung because I could guess what he’s going to say – which is the same as what Doojoon would say. Hearing someone else say this though, is really reassuring. “Thank you,” I tell her and she gives me a small hug.

“So gloves or make-up?” She asks again with another smile.

I feel brave and I probably would be this brave if it wasn’t a public event, I say “make-up.”

I know it’s the right answer because Ella beams.

“You brave soldier.”

*~*

Doojoon doesn’t know what Ella’s up to when she tells him to leave. She gives him a look that warns him not to object and he agrees. He’s glad though because Ella’s grinning when she dabs the brush on Airiss’ hand and she’s busy telling her something.

He shakes his head with a sigh.

Girl talk can do wonders.

*~*

“Since the party is at a hotel, there are some rooms for the guest if they want to sleep over or just rest for a bit. Of course, I have a room as well. I’m giving you the keys since I probably can’t leave,” Doojoon says, putting the card key in my hand. Surprisingly, he does this while driving and I wonder how well he is at multitasking now.

“Be careful or you’re going to get into an accident then the reporters will have something to say,” I tease and I see him smiling. His hair is styled to the side and he looks like a different person whenever he’s in a suit, donning his refined smile.

“Speaking of reporters, when we step out, you’re going to be bombarded with flashes.” Doojoon warns and I absentmindedly touch my hair. Ella decided to go for simplicity by twisting it into a side plait. She also chose a necklace that resembles vines connecting diamonds together and matching earrings with diamonds attached to the end of the vines.

I look different from the time I went with Kikwang. Now, I look more mature and classy compared to my more juvenile appearance last time.

“You look beautiful today,” he comments and I smile.

“As do you, handsome one.”

*~*

Doojoon was right with the bright flashes and interminable questions. Apparently, the reporters don’t recognize me and ask Doojoon who his partner is for today. In response to this, he lets out a heartfelt laugh and remarks, “It’s my sister, Airiss.”

Recognition fills their eyes and they’re greeting me all over again. I can see that they’re a little disappointed because that just sent their bewildering stories straight to the ground where it crashes and horribly burns.

Doojoon thanks everyone for coming and to the reporters for being patient and politely escorts me through the doors.

“How do you get used to things like this?” I ask as we step into the grand hall with the high ceilings and giant windows. Every time I’m surrounded by something with a subtle hint of splendour, I can’t help but gawk at the fine detail and how this finery can be seen as ordinary to someone else. The place I’m in right now isn’t modest with their grandeur; it bears no shame bragging about its brilliance to the world and the world prances around it as if it were nothing.

Doojoon shrugs, “I don’t.” He quickly scans the room and suddenly grows rigid. I follow his gaze and myself, freeze for a brief second. Surprisingly, I find myself faster to compose myself than Doojoon which is a tad bit shocking considering how hard he works to put up his sophisticated front.

It’s Hyunseung.

Hyunseung across the room with a glass of wine, smiling modestly to an older couple. I can see how different he is. He’s approachable but reserved – showing but not really telling. He wasn’t like this before. More telling and far less showy. I find myself surprise again when I don’t feel my heart skipping a beat or my breath taking a sharp hitch.

Hyunseung.

I hold onto Doojoon’s arm just a little bit tighter but I doubt he would have noticed. He was too busy frowning at the mere sight of him. Doojoon decides to steer me to a crowd of people who recognizes him immediately and greets him warmly. They’re quickly absorb in a conversation about their evening and what their annual goals are. Doojoon tries to include me in the conversation but when it’s about a bunch of people talking about the “real” working world then I don’t have any sufficient input to add.

My eyes start to wander and aimlessly, I find myself looking at the back of Hyunseung’s head.

I wonder what he’s talking about?

I can’t possibly imagine him engrossed in the same discussion as Doojoon’s having right now. They seem too different to find the same common ground but then again, they may be different back then but could be similar now.

It’s been a year since I’ve talked to him and many things can change in a year.

*~*

After a bit, the refreshments start coming. Doojoon can handle alcohol well after his many meetings with the clients but me, on the other hand, is another story. After the third glass, my mind starts to get a little foggy and I don’t control what comes out of my lips.

“I’m going to go rest in the room,” I tell Doojoon in a hushed voice and Doojoon nods.

“Call me if you need anything,” he says. He looks back to the guest, “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

“Yes. You don’t have to call the hospital,” I joke and he laughs while giving my forehead a light flick.

“This is serious, idiot,” he retorts but he’s grinning now. “Call me if you get lost, it’s fairly big.” I roll my eyes because ‘fairly big’ is a huge underestimate but I don’t tell him off and bid him well.

After five minutes of looking through doors, I don’t find the hallway with the elevators to our rooms. My face grows warm when the servers repeatedly greet me when I walk down the same path again and again so I settle for whatever’s behind the door I open – the balcony.

The night isn’t too cold except for the gentle breeze and the chill is worth it when I’m looking at the dark night. It’s like staring into another world, telling me new stories and widening the horizons of my mind.

Aside from the quiet murmurs in the main hall, there’s also the soundless wind rustling the leaves in the tree. Though the laughter and chatter are much louder in the hall, I feel the wind getting noisier and noisier.

Maybe it’s because I drank more than I should have or with the stress lately but my head starts pounding as the noise gets to the point where it’s deafening. I consider resting my head against the palm of my hand but that would smudge the make-up and I don’t have the ability redo it. I’m stuck, enduring the thuds until I can find a way to make it stop.

I stare back at the sky and exhale.

Things are changing too fast for me to take in. It’s not just Dad but Doojoon’s different. He’s working, talking about things I don’t understand, living this fast-paced life and meeting new people every day while I’m still in school, studying, trying to fight back against my mind and hoping that every day would be consistent even if it’s slow and boring.

Even though I’m with Doojoon, I feel like I don’t know him. It’s not as lonely with Kikwang since Doojoon is introducing me and I’m talking but this only forces me to see the growing distance between us.

Before, we faced the same daily problem of our lives but now he’s worried about squeezing another business dinner into his busy schedule and I’m worried about myself, my mind. Doojoon tries to fit me into tight life but I don’t want to be another “item” on his list to attend to. I don’t want to be something he has to look after, I just want to be with him again like we were in the past but happier.  

“Are you okay?” A voice asks and I jump. I keep my gaze down because I recognize that voice – it’s Hyunseung. Though I didn’t know when he arrived but I’m not surprised that it’s him either.

I take another deep breath and breathe a low, “Yes.” I tighten my grip on the handrail and feel the headache slowly diminishing as I focus on Hyunseung and how to get him to leave.

“Airiss,” he says in this reproving tone. I close my eyes and take another deep breath. He hears me and immediately puts a hand on my upper back in an attempt to calm me down – what he used to do.

I move away promptly and look at him through my thicken lashes. “Don’t.” It’s already hard enough with everything that’s happening. I don’t think I can handle fighting off Hyunseung’s words.

“I saw you coming out and wanted to see if you’re alright,” he explains. I close my eyes because I can feel his body heat and the sound of his voice brings back too many crashing memories. I wonder if it’s possible to drown in them?

He makes our relationship sound normal, as if we’re two pals checking up on each other. We’re not though. We’re somewhere stuck in the phase between stranger and something else – something else meaning we know each other more than we should.

“I’m fine. I just drank too much and couldn’t find my room.” I reply and from the corner of my eyes, I see him nod understandingly.

“I can ask the waiter outside for some medicine or –”

“It’s okay. You don’t need to be here,” I interrupt. I hear him sigh in frustration and it sounds too familiar. I’m being difficult and he’s having a hard time trying to understand. It reminds me of when we first met. “Please,” I add.

Suddenly Hyunseung tugs my arm so I’m staring at him straight in the eye. He studies my face and I turn my face away. “I know you don’t want me here but you should tell someone,” he says and I shrug him off immediately. I do want to tell someone and maybe, just maybe, I want to tell him. At the same time though, I wonder if I’ve lost that privilege.  

“If you can listen to me as a friend then I’ll tell you,” I warn him. I see the wavering hesitation in his eyes and in his fidgeting hands. “Can you do that Hyunseung, be my friend?”

“I can do that,” he finally agrees and I breathe a sigh of relief. I know that the friendship act won’t go on longer than tonight but it’s better to be friends than strangers avoiding each other all night. This makes the night more bearable for me and one less thing to worry about.

“One question though,” I ask and I see him quirk him in response. “Why are you here?” Hyunseung lets out a small chuckle.

The chuckle sounds light and very carefree. It doesn’t sound much different from the chuckle I remember.  

“You speak as if I’m stalking you,” he jokes and when I don’t laugh, he stiffens. I wasn’t being fair to him but I want to settle some things first before I talk to him. “Geurim’s sick so I offered to come in her place.”

I look at him and there’s not an ounce of concern or worry on his face. He seems relaxed but that can also be him putting up a front – I can’t just figure out which one it is. “Is Geurim fine now?”

He nods. “She just needs sleep and more nutrition. I never thought I’d imagine seeing you here.”

“Doojoon’s partner couldn’t make it. It’s been a rough week for him so I decided to come to lessen one burden off his shoulder.”

“How are you doing then? Rough week as well?” Hyunseung questions. The question catches me off guard but I know I’m not going to get away with a plan “I’m fine”. I feel myself thinking back to the last few days’ events and realize we’re getting too comfortable with each other, the same comfort back when we were together.

Hyunseung looks at me and I refuse to look back.

“Good,” I reply half-heartedly. I hear him groan and my insides churn between the conflict between my heart and mind. I want to answer him sincerely and honestly, just tell him everything that happened this week with dad, Junhyung so he would tell me that everything’s going to be okay, just like it always had. When he said that, I believed him because he made everything okay but on the other hand, my mind was telling me to stop talking to him. To get back to Doojoon and stay by his side, smiling while answering questions now and then.

“Friends, Airiss,” Hyunseung reminds me. Does friends mean talking about casual things like the weather or what’s happening in our life? It seems too good to be true because once we start talking then personal things would naturally follow and then it’ll bring us back to the old memories, the good old times.

“I’m sorry,” I feel the headache coming and I press my fingers to my temple. He drapes his coat on my shoulder and shrugs when I give him an inquisitive look.  

“You’re overthinking again,” Hyunseung remarks and I look away. I hold onto the coat to stop it from falling off my shoulders and see the slightest hint of triumph in his eyes.

“I’m not,” I reply childishly and he laughs. I feel my heart flutter and my hands go back to the handrail to stop these little flutters.

“I’m kind of glad you’re here,” he mutters. “I’m tired from these outings.” He not only sounds tired but looks the part. Though there are no wrinkles of frustration but his gesture seems so rigid and forced, as if his body can’t hold itself up without him making a conscious effort to.

I reaches out to pat his shoulder but I reconsider it. Hyunseung sees this and holds my hand to put it to his shoulder. “Friends can comfort each other,” he says gently and I smile. My hand slides off his shoulder and I realize that the hazy line between platonic relationship and a romantic relationship is easy to overstep.

Suddenly I feel a weight on my shoulder and turn to see Hyunseung’s head resting on it. I open my mouth to protest but he’s quicker with his plead. “Can I rest my head like this for a minute?”

I look at his face more closely and see that it hasn’t changed – it’s a silly thought. A year shouldn’t change his facial structure but I expected it to be lined with poise, uncertainty masked behind hauteur. It’s tiring to manage a big company but to do a job you don’t enjoy, it’s a lot harder. Knowing this, I let us continue like this in silence.

Cautiously, I place my hand on the back of his head to sooth him. I want to touch his face and smooth the lines of discomfort near his eyes but I stop myself before I act on my thoughts.

Stress never looks good on anyone but intimacy holds a lot of ambiguity that I don’t have words to properly explain. 

As the seconds go by, I grow lost at what to do. What I am certain of is that I want to give Hyunseung a few short moments to relax, to breathe.

“I’m glad to see that you’re not wearing gloves,” Hyunseung mutters and I pretend not to hear him. I know he must have been surprise but this topic is diving into an abyss of the many things I want to forget.

Hyunseung isn’t offended by my response (or lack of) and we continue in the silence until Hyunseung decides that time’s up and he lifts his head from my shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Is work getting hard to handle?” I ask, letting the concern show. For some reason, I want to give his hands a squeeze but it’s out of old habits.  

He smiles dimly, glad that I’m finally talking to him. “I still have to handle it either way. I bet I’m nowhere exhausted as your brother though. Opening stores are hard, let alone a whole unit like a mall.”

I never realized that Doojoon and Hyunseung are both businessmen until now. Of course I knew but it never dawned on me because of their clashing personalities. Now Hyunseung’s speaking the same language as Doojoon. I chuckle at the thought and earn a questioning glance from Hyunseung.

“Sorry. I just realized that you’re a businessmen like Doojoon. I could never place the two of you in the same category,” I clarify and Hyunseung smiles, shrugging.

“I can’t either but hey, it happened.”

Then a faint ring interrupts us and I realize it’s my phone. I take my phone out and read the caller on screen.

It’s Kikwang.

He’s probably calling because of what happened with Junhyung. He’s checking up on with me by using one of his bad excuses. Even though it’s corny, I appreciate it.

“Hey,” I say as I answer the call.

“Hey Air, I remember you talking about this psychology article outlining this experiment about forming impressions. Can you send me the link to that? It’s for my essay,”  Kikwang says in a quick, hasty breath and I try to remember what article he was referring.

I remember talking about the article excitedly because I thought it would help me understand the theory behind impressions and it did provide a solid foundation. “I think I still have it on my laptop. I’ll send it to you later tonight,” I reply and I hear him pause, putting the pieces together.

“Oh, you’re not at home? Sorry for interrupting,“ He replies, sounding apologetic. It didn’t feel right that he felt sorry for calling. Thinking of Kikwang, I never treated him fairly. We say we’re friends but in reality, we’re just people who have mutual friends that hang out. Though he wants to be friends and I thought I was fulfilling the friendship role but obviously, I wasn’t doing a very convincing job. I think it’s time to sincerely consider being his friend.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m at one of my brother’s party since his partner couldn’t come.”

Kikwang laughs at what I say and I find myself smiling too – it sounded pretty ridiculous coming from me since I dreaded the party that night and Kikwang, who was with me that night, had to put up with my awful wrath.

“So how are you feeling?” I can’t tell if this question was related to how I’m feeling after that confrontation with Junhyung or how I’m feeling at the party.

“Not lonely but I’m still aware of the fact that I don’t like these social gatherings,” I answer and see Hyunseung give me a look of surprise at my honest reply. I angle my body so he can’t hear much.

“That’s an improvement but I doubt anything would make you enjoy these type of parties.” It gets quiet before Kikwang speaks up again, “Anyway, remember the steps when you’re dancing. Wouldn’t want to make a fool out of your brother.”

“Thanks for the encouragement,” I say dryly and Kikwang laughs.

“Of course I don’t want you embarrassing yourself either. Try to have fun and call me if you want to talk.”

“Thanks,” I say, more genuinely this time and Kikwang knows that.

“Any time.”

When I hang up, I feel a lot better, a lot lighter. The feeling of being closed-in is gone and I turn back to Hyuneung. There are questions in his eyes but I don’t answer them. I’m not being fair to him either but I don’t know how to be fair without hurting any one of us.

I hear the music changing in the main hall and decide that it’s time to head back and play our respective parts at the party.

“We should go back inside. Doojoon’s probably wondering where I am.” I avoid his eyes and look at my phone to find that, surprisingly, Doojoon didn’t contact me to the point of explosion yet.

I quickly spin around to leave but Hyunseung grabs my wrist. “Airiss, are you happy?” He asks in a serious tone and I stop myself to really digest his question.

Happy was such an abstract thing. There was so many things to contemplate, to consider but somehow, I don’t think it was that difficult.

I think back to the last few days and even though there had been many tears, some were good tears – tears due to change. I’m slowly and hesitantly accepting my past for what it is and I’m learning to live with it. So to say that I’m happy would be right.

“Yes, I am.” I answer. “I hope you are too.”

Hyunseung doesn’t reply and instead, gets up. “It’s rude of me but I’m going to head back first.” He turns on his heels before I can say anything but he knows that I won’t.

*~*

When I come back to Doojoon’s side and back into the business talk that I still don’t understand, I try to act normal. I tell Doojoon that I got a little lightheaded and so I went to rest in the room he gave me the keys to. Doojoon nods but still isn’t entirely convinced though he can’t pull through with a lengthy interrogation because another guest pulls him in another conversation about the future prospects of the mall. I zone out of the conversation and my eyes search the room to find Hyunseung. When I realize what I’m doing, I stop and force myself back into the foreign talk.

“So Ms. Chae, what are you studying?” The older man asks out of courtesy. I notice that no one questions why Doojoon and I have different surnames and I don’t bother asking why they don’t have questions.

“I’m currently working on an undergraduate degree in psychology then hopefully a masters in social work,” I tell the man and he nods with interest. The interest looks convincing but I can’t tell if it’s part of his act to politely socialize with me or if it’s heartfelt.

“Are you planning on becoming a clinical psychologist?”

“That could be an option but I’m thinking of an art therapist.”

He nods again and gives me his business card. He speaks of knowing some people in the field and can help me in internships. I thank him again and catch Hyunseung’s eyes spontaneously. I look away before he can choose to smile or casually break the brief contact. Unfortunately, this act doesn’t go unnoticed by Doojoon.

He leans in, “Do you want to go?”

I’m surprised he raise the question because if I leave then he has to disappear for a while to make sure I flag a taxi. I know he can’t leave since he’s supposed to go around greeting everyone so I’m touched that he would even go to such lengths.

Doojoon’s still Doojoon after all.

“No, it’s okay.” I leave out the ‘don’t pay attention to me and focus on the guest’ part because this would cause him to engage in a lecture about how I could possibly think that he would, for a second, ignore me. “Honestly.”

The dinner segment is rather boring with more talks about business, future plans. Music starts playing and people start inviting their partners to dance. I was hoping Doojoon wouldn’t ask so soon but of course, he wasn’t letting me off.

“Just to give you a heads-up, I haven’t practiced since I danced with Kikwang so if I embarrassed you then you can’t complain,” I warn and Doojoon laughs.

“Stop making excuses for yourself and accept my hand, Air,” he says and the happiness reaches his eyes. I couldn’t reject him when he looks so happy and comfortable so I take his hand and follow him to the center of the lobby.

Doojoon’s a good ballroom dancer, I give him that. He’s not the best at leading me but careful when we turn though he’s not as good as Kikwang but it might have been due to Kikwang and I practicing together more so we harmonize better.

Doojoon gives me a glare when I accidently step on his foot and I smile innocently back. “I warned you,” I joke and he rolls his eyes.

“It still hurts,” he retorts immaturely and I laugh.

When the song ends, I only messed up four times (two of which resulted in me stepping on his foot) and I think that’s a good improvement. Though I think part of me messing up had to do with Doojoon poorly leading me and when I voice this opinion, he’d glare at me saying, “First you step on my foot and now you blame me for making you step on my foot. Where is the logic in that?”

A shadow looms in front of me and I look up to see a lady holding two cups of champagne. She smiles at us but I know one cup is for her and the other specifically for Doojoon.

“Hi, I’m Mimi,” she greets and I smile. Doojoon stands up and greets her with familiarity. She’s a flamboyant person with her turquoise dress. I stare at her brown curls set loosely to the side and the sparkles peppered on her hair. She’s ostentatious but I wouldn’t blame her, she’s pretty and she’s confident about it.

“I didn’t know you were with your sister so I didn’t bring you one,” she apologizes and I shake my head.

“It’s okay, I don’t drink much.”

We engage in small talks until we find common ground: art.

“By the way, have you heard about the art show coming up?” She asks and I nod. The professors were talking about it and how we should all go as an “eye-opener” and to make use of the discounted admission. I was planning on going but it honestly slipped my mind.

“Some of my art is going to be featured there. You should come and see,” she says and the look I give her is a mix of surprise and admiration. It’ the first time this night that I’ve met someone whom I can talk about something I actually have knowledge in.

“What do you do? Paint? Draw? Photography? Sculpt?” I ask excitedly and Doojoon elbows me in a subtle manner. I don’t bother looking at him but I know he’s giving Mimi an apologetic glance.

“I actually use pastels. I like to draw oceans and sunsets,” Mimi replies gleefully. And I imagine her in a studio in ratty clothing marked with bright pastels everywhere. It makes her feel a lot more familiar even though I’ve met her a mere 15 minutes ago.

“I didn’t know you’re interested in art,” Doojoon interjects, sounding amazed himself.

“I love it but I’m the only child so the company has to be my responsibility someday,” she laughs but the tone in her voice changes. It dropped and she doesn’t seem as excited.

I thought it was hard for Doojoon, who didn’t have a rich background, to mingle with people with money but he told me that it was harder for those born into an opulent family. It’s not all glitter and glam like it is on tv.

Mimi then proceeds to pass out her business card and I see that she’s the principal of this beauty school. I recognize the name since her school’s a part of a cosmetology business that has a beauty center and their own exclusive make-up line. In the last few years, the business has grown exponentially based on its many store opening.

“It’s still art,” she comments after seeing my expression and I smile.

I think I would like her.

The song changes and Mimi looks to Doojoon who’s busy being oblivious. I roll my eyes at him and take both of their glass wine, “Doojoon, go dance with Mimi. I’ll take care of these.”

Doojoon’s mouth is hanging open for a split second and I smile at Mimi, dodging his glare. He offers his hand and she gladly accepts. I pat Mimi on the back and she’s grinning at me.

I can’t tell if Mimi really likes Doojoon or if she’s doing it to deepen the company connections but she appreciates art so she gets bonus points. Though I still prefer Gina or Jihyun.

“Dead,” Doojoon mouths at me as he walks away. I shrug and a waiter comes to take the empty glass from me.

Thinking back to the time with Kikwang at the party, I feel a lot more at ease than before. Maybe it’s because I’m talking more or I’m with Doojoon so I feel more comfortable. Or maybe it’s Hyunseung. I scowl at my last train of thought but quickly regain my composure. I search the floor to find Doojoon dancing with Mimi until I finally find them.

She’s an elegant dancer and follows Doojoon’s steps easily. She must have danced a lot to make it look so fluent and easy.

Afterwards, Doojoon gets tossed around like a Frisbee between business groups to dancing with more people. He makes me join the business conversations but I quickly dodge the people who ask to dance. I’m allowed to step on Doojoon’s feet but I don’t want to step on his future partners. Dancing with them would be awkward since I wouldn’t know what to say to them and would feel awful for giving them this supreme form of awkward silence and a bruising feet.

“May I?”

I look up the person in front of me and I break into a small grin when I obviously shouldn’t. Hyunseung’s smiling with his hand outstretch. It looks like a scene from a sappy romantic movie. Hyunseung probably feels the same way because he’s trying to hide the grin playing on his lips.

“Why don’t you dance with your partner?” I ask, in a feeble attempt to refuse.

“She’s not here today. Too much of a short notice,” Hyunseung says. “Well, how about it?”

“As friends then yes,” I answer and take his hand. “I’m probably going to step on your feet a lot so be prepared.”

“Ouch,” he teases and leads me to the dance floor.

The nicest way to put is that it was uncomfortable. Hyunseung’s fingers felt light and dainty on my waist and we didn’t coordinate very well in the beginning. After a while and a few outburst from Hyunseung because I stepped on his foot, we get the hang of each other and the rhythm.

“The song’s almost over and we’ve just started to get the hang of it,” Hyunseung grumbles and I take a big leap in this friendship thing.

“How about another song then?” I suggest and I see the disbelief spread on his face. He’s asking me, ‘really’ with his eyes but doesn’t have the courage to say it. I don’t think I’m going to deny it but I want to be with Hyunseung. He’s probably another reason why I feel comfortable tonight. I want to talk and catch up with everything that’s happened within the year.

“Give my feet a break though,” he jokes and I don’t reach out to punch him because then we’d be out of sync again.

“You ,” I tell him and he laughs again. Compared to his stiff stance the first time I saw him at the party to now, he’s a lot lighter and comfortable. “I’m glad that you’re getting pleasure from mocking me.”

Somehow, I know that being a businessmen doesn’t suit him but I’m in no place to tell him. If he acts on my words then I have to take responsibility for what happens afterwards. The confusion of choosing another career and the pressure from his family is hard to balance and will most definitely take a long time to get over.

I can’t be there for him through all of that.

Somewhere along the way, I’ll forget the friendship and slip back into our nice and easy relationship – it’s not easy in the sense that our relationship had no hardship but we dealt it with the difficulty together which made it easier.

I’m glad that his shoulders aren’t as stiff, his speeches aren’t monotone and scripted and most importantly, he looks at ease. If Hyunseung and I stayed as friends, I think we’d be the best of friends. Thinking back to our relationship then, there were a lot more happy memories than bad but the timing and feelings invested made the happy ones turn all sour.

The second song ends and I freeze when Hyunseung brings the back of my hand to his lips. He’s aware of this as he looks into my eyes and mentions, “Friendly gesture.” I don’t find anything about it friendly but I nod and try to hide my blushing face.

Then he swiftly pushes something into my palm. It’s small, cold and hard. I pull my hand back to see that he gives me and I stop breathing for a second.

It’s the ring he gave me back when we were together. It was the first and last present he got me and it was during our first date (the date that finally happened after a million obstacles). I remember him being panicky, saying it’s not a proposal and that he thought it just matched me. To ease my stress that accumulated at the thought of him proposing, he stringed it along a silver chain to turn it into a necklace instead.

I look at the chain around his neck and see that he still has his ring. “It doesn’t mean anything but I think I’ve held on to it long enough. You can do whatever you want with it. I don’t mind if you throw it away,” he says but it sounds like he’s begging me to not throw it away, to not forget about us.

How could I forget though? Back then, we’ve improved and grown thanks to each other’s support and this made the thought of us separating impossible. Now, I just want us to move on and improve on my own.  

I understand this is Hyunseung’s way of helping both of us move on.

It also means that there are no more loose ends. There’s no regrets, not after tonight. There’s nothing to keep us lingering on each other.

This means none of that friend act from earlier. We’re going to ignore the flickering recognition if we happen to meet and act like we don’t know each other’s deepest secrets. Even if they’re the sole reason why we’re awake at 2am questioning life. Meeting him today was a proper chance to properly do all that we end to end on an amiable note. To keep us on good terms, though it wouldn’t matter in the long run, and help us both move on.

I got so hung up with everything that I didn’t see this coming. It hits me hard and pounds my brain, knocking the reality into me.  

I see a waiter pass by and argue with myself before I stop him to ask where the guest rooms are located. The waiter gives me a look of concern and I tell him I just want to rest. I want to get away from all of this – even if it’s buys me a a short moment to compose myself, that short while is what’s going to get me through the night. I finally find the Doojoon’s room and send him a quick text telling him that I’m going to rest.

Doojoon quickly replies to ask me if I’m alright or if I want to go home early. Me still being me, tell him that closing my eyes for a bit will help.

I clutch onto the ring as I drag my body to the bed and close my eyes to shut the events from today.

*~*

Hyunseung should have expected this but he didn’t. It was tardiness on his part but when it came to Airiss, everything become uncertain and most definitely unpredictable. So when he gets a firm pat from behind and sees Doojoon who courteously asks, “Can we talk for a bit?” he knows the conversation isn’t going to be as polite as the invitation sounded.

Hyunseung doesn’t bother checking if people are around because Doojoon must have made sure it was before they arrived. He chooses to lean against the stone wall and stuffs his hand in his pocket while he stares at the back of Doojoon’s head. After a while of composing himself, Doojoon turns around and throws venom at Hyunseung, “What did you say to Airiss?”

Doojoon grits his teeth and Hyunseung tries not to cower.

“What I said is none of your business,” Hyunseung stares at him hard but Doojoon doesn’t back down. Hyunseung knows that he did nothing wrong. The only wrong thing was that he kept the ring for so long but Doojoon wouldn’t understand that. He would have actually misunderstood it. “I didn’t come to upset her.”

“You being here, talking to her and dancing with her upsets her already. She’s really trying to move on, Hyunseung.” Hyunseung feels like he’ being scolded and the underlying emphasis to his name makes it sound like a warning to not do it again.

Doojoon’s words sting after what Hyunseung had to do. After talking with Airiss, he spent half the evening, deciding what he should do with the ring or if he should even do anything at all. Then he musters his courage to ask her, in front of everyone, to dance. He wanted to dance with her. It’s been a long time since they’ve been so close and he missed that ethereal moment already. It wasn’t easy to end things but after hearing and seeing that Airiss is slowly getting comfortable with herself to come to this event, he feels like it’s the only thing he can do for her.

He feels like in the time that they were separated, she’s grown so much, improved so much. It makes him small and unruly compared to her.

He’s been taking steps while she’s been running kilometers.

“You have to trust Airiss, Doojoon,” Hyunseung says with confidence. “She chose to talk to me out of her own will so trust that she knows her limit and is taking care of herself.” He’s not going to try to change Doojoon’s impression of him so he decides to use Airiss to speak logic to him.

“I trust Airiss. I just don’t trust you.” Doojoon answers his confidence with menace. “When you asked her to dance, can you honestly tell me that you had no selfish intention? That you ask her to dance for her own good and not for yourself? ”

Hyunseung’s rendered silent as Doojoon challenges his motives. Even if they were for his own desires, they didn’t come close to hurting Airiss. Hyunsueng wishes that Doojoon not only see that Airiss made him comfortable but he also made her happy. He’s not as toxic to Airiss as Doojoon thinks he is.

“I know you don’t like me but for Airiss’ sake, Doojoon, don’t make a big deal out of this. I promise you that I didn’t do anything to hurt her.”

Doojoon thinks for a bit before he decides to believe Hyunseung which is signalled by a heavy sigh. “I know you’re not a bad person Hyunseung but I wish you would have thought everything through instead of stringing her along in your messy decisions.”

Doojoon knows that their love was mutual but he can’t imagine hurting someone claim to love. Hyunseung ran away from pressure, made stupid but grave mistakes and ended up dragging so many people into his miserable life. He wonders if Hyunseung got together with Airiss in the beginning because he didn’t want to be alone or because she helped his ego.

Hyunseung stays quiet while he watches Doojoon stare at him with blatant anger. The anger was long overdue and his silence is the least he can do for Doojoon – he owes him this much.

“I know I didn’t handle it well. I’m sorry to you and Airiss.”

Doojoon balls his fingers into a tense fist and takes another deep breath. Suddenly all the rage is bubbling again and he very much wants to take a hard swing at him but he knows he can’t. If he did want to punch him, he should have done it a year ago, not now. If he did then he would just add more to Airiss’ already overflowing plate.  

Though Doojoon can’t find it within himself to accept his apology. He wish he could accept it but just thinking of Airiss trying to get over that hurdle of pain a year ago makes him unable to. “Did you come here because you wanted to see Airiss?”

Doojoon sees Hyunseung hesitate for a second. “Don’t lie. I deserve an honest answer.”

Hyunseung blinks for a second before answering. “Yes, I did. I happen to be at the hospital at the same time your friend, Gina, was because Geurim had to be hospitalized and I overheard her phone call.” Hyunseung looks slightly embarrassed for admitting this and Doojoon decides to let him off.

“Thanks for the truth.”

*~*

When I wake up again, I realize half an hour’s passed but miraculously, I manage to sleep in that unpleasant upright position without ruining my hair or make-up. I stretch for a bit and find the ring nestle on my lap.

I pick it up and stare for a bit. It still looks good as new. I probably won’t throw it away though every logic bit inside of me says it’s the right thing to do. For some reason, I can’t forget him. No matter how much I try to avoid him, I can’t. Running gets tired and I can’t do it forever.

My finger graze over the ‘AR’ engraving and I try to bite back a smile.

I don’t know what I’ll do with it but I know I can’t dwell on it for longer. Stuffing it in my purse, I head downstairs to the main lobby. There, I immediately find Doojoon in the crowd. He doesn’t look at me with worry like I thought he would and instead, asks if I can handle another glass of wine.

I punch him lightly in the arm and say, “Did you not to see me a while ago?”

“I’m joking,” he says. “Glad to see you’re well enough to come down. I was planning on letting you rest the night.”

“I wouldn’t leave you here alone.” I unconsciously scan the crowd and I can’t find Hyunseung. Maybe he left but I wouldn’t know.  

“He’s gone if that’s what you’re wondering,” Doojoon comments and I notice the smugness in his voice.

“Don’t have to sound so conceited,” I retort, trying to hide the surprise on my face and in my voice. I didn’t think Doojoon would notice since he’s been so carried away the entire night. It looked like he didn’t have a chance to properly take a break, let alone look out for me. “Though I’d wish you spend that extra time watching over me to relax a little.”

“You think you could hide things from me?” Doojoon challenges, the arrogance in his voice evident now.

“I know I know,” I say, rolling my eyes. I lead him to the center and whisper, “Let’s dance.”

*~*

It took a while for Jiyong to find his phone in the sorry excuse of his bed. It somehow became his desk slash coat hanger slash dining table with the crumbs, dirty clothing and paperwork on it. Thank goodness, the caller was persistent as he curses while digging through the stuff. He cusses out loud when he sees that the phone number is from his bar.

Recently he opened up a new business since he had a lot of time and his connections would bring in the customers. The first month didn’t go very well but in the next few months, things were starting to turn out for the better. He could only hope that they continue this way.

The phone’s continuous ringing pulls him from his thoughts. “I thought I told you it was my day off?” He retorts. He should be more nice to the manager of the club but today was his only day off and he had spent it sleeping.

“I remember it really well but,” the manager pauses. “Your friend, Hyunseung, is here and he’s drinking a lot. We stop giving him alcohol for his health but he’s throwing a big fit right now. We’re hoping you could come get him.”

Jiyong’s jaws tighten – partly because he was worried for Hyunseung and the other half was because he didn’t plan on spending his evening in the bar when he practically lives them. “I’ll be there soon. Hold off on giving him alcohol until I get there.”

The drive is fast when the streets are vacant and he missed a few red lights but it’s not illegal if he doesn’t get caught. He doesn’t check if his tires are align with the white parking lines and rushes into the bar, shoves through the crowd and rolls his eyes when he sees Hyunseung at a table in the back.

The server looks reassured to see him and Jiyong gives him a pat on the back. “Thanks,” he says and the server nods. Jiyong should consider giving them a raise when the business flourishes since they not only put up with him but Hyunseung’s drunken visits when his mind lingers to his poor decisions in the past.

It’s a tough job but Jiyong’s eyes are half-closed when they take extra minutes during their breaks or spend quite some time socializing with each other. He thinks it’s a fair, unspoken deal between them.

Jiyong looks at Hyunseung and he’s not in his usual casual business attire. He sees the black blazer sling on the chair and the loosen bowtie around his white collared shirt. He probably went to a party and Jiyong could guess that’s the reason why he’s here – Hyunseung hates those pretentious gatherings the most.

“How was the party?” Jiyong asks, giving him a slap on the back of Hyunseung’s neck.

“It . Another bottle would help,” Hyunseung whines and Jiyong smirks.

“I’m glad to see that you’re not stupidly drunk,” Jiyong remarks. Over the year, Hyunseung’s become good at holding his liquor. Despite this knowledge, Hyunseung could still get alcohol poisoning if he were too careless and the staff can’t handle a medical emergency.

“You know I can drink more and I would still be okay,” Hyunseung comments and lifts his hand to order another one but Jiyong slaps his arm down.

“Instead of drowning yourself, I’d rather you vent it out.”

“Just letting you know, I’ll be helping your business if you let me order more,” Hyunseung mentions and Jiyong resists the growing urge to smack his head to get his senses back. Hyunseung’s far from drunk – tipsy yes, but drunk, no.

“And have to nurse you for the rest of the night and in the morning when you’re hung over? I’d rather lose this frequent customer than have that trouble,” Jiyong retorts from experience. Drunk Hyunseung isn’t a lot to handle but Jiyong wished that Hyunseung would say what’s bothering him rather than binge himself with alcohol.

“I met Airiss today,” Hyunseung sits up and lets his head hit the back of the chair. Jiyong winces when he hears the loud thump but Hyunseung merely closes his eyes and his expression remains stoic.  “You know, I could have had the chance to see her many times but didn’t because I knew she didn’t want me to. I guess it paid off because I saw her today, looking beautiful and happy.”

Jiyong nods and signals the server to bring another round of beer. It’s hypocritical but Jiyong knows it’s going to be a long night – it always was when it comes to Airiss. “Did you talk to her?”

Hyunseung chuckles and Jiyong can’t tell if it’s because of the answer or the arrival of more beer. Whatever it is, Jiyong would rather have a sarcastic friend than an emotional one. Hyunseung takes a big gulp and corrects Jiyong, “I danced with her. I might sound sadistic but I was a bit sad when I saw how happy she is. It wasn’t even the polite, formal ostentatious happiness but the genuine kind that really shows on your face.”

“That’s good then,” Jiyong says in-between sips of his own bottle. He watches Hyunseung for any signs of repentance but instead, he looks relieved and optimistic which is rare. 

“She wasn’t wearing gloves today. I’m glad it worked out for her,” Hyunseung says, eyeing the beer as he twirls the bottle.

Hyunseung’s phone starts ringing and before he even looks at it, he turns it off. “Despite you saying that, you still seem off,” Jiyong remarks and Hyunseung rolls his eyes before shoving his phone into his coat pocket.

Hyunseung holds his silence and gives a shrug in response. Then, a flash of light beams on them and Jiyong catches sight of the chain around his neck. Usually, there are two rings stringed along it but now, there was only one.

Jiyong reaches forward to grab the necklace around Hyunseung’s neck, pulling Hyunseung closer. “You gave Airiss the other ring?” Jiyong exclaims and Hyunseung still has a poker face on but nods.

“I’ve held onto it long enough but I don’t feel right throwing it away so I gave it back to her,” Hyunseung burrows his head in his arms and grumbles something incoherent. His actions weren’t lining up with his words and Jiyong has trouble figuring out if it’s from the alcohol or his honest thoughts.

Jiyong gives Hyunseung a long, pensive look. “I’m ignorant in this sense since I’m not in the same social circle but you guys are still people. Love is love.”

Hyunseung looks down immediately and sighs. Jiyong wasn’t expecting that exaggerated reaction but he knows that he hit a soft spot. Jiyong just twirls his glass, letting Hyunseung think some more.

In the short year, Jiyong's seen Hyunseung's tired facade a lot more. Undoubtedly he's more mature with his reserved stares but Jiyong still sees that dull boredom behind the pretentious smiles. Of course, Hyunseung has to be that way now that he’s leading meetings and making important announcements on behalf of the CEO but if Jiyong had a choice, he’d rather have a relaxed Hyunseung than an uptight one.

“I don't want to talk," Hyunseung says and takes another sip from the beer. Jiyong throws him a ridicule look but decides to let him be for now. When Hyunseung's like this then he's not physically here with Jiyong, he's always somewhere else. 

Jiyong studies Hyunseung and finds that he's really has matured. He now sounds like an old person or at least, feels like someone who’s wearing a suit too big or maybe the suit fits perfectly and Jiyong doesn’t want to see it. The human mind likes to bend to things that are convenient and soothing to the eyes. 

“What?” Hyunseung inquiries and Jiyong just grins.

“You’ve changed,” Jiyong replies. “You remind me of my dad – not sure if that’s a good thing though.”

“We all change, Ji. It just depends if that change seems right to you,” Hyunseung remarks and Jiyong notes that this is the most-spirited he’s been all night. "Though, I have to say that lately your fashion choices are questionable. For a 25 year old to be -" 

“Geez," Jiyong rolls his eyes, cutting Hyunseung off. "Now you really sound like my old man.” Jiyong says and leans back on his chair, amused at the thought of Hyunseung now playing the older brother in the friendship."

“I need strong liquor. I’m not drunk yet.” Hyunseung suddenly says, childishly inspecting his alcohol. Jiyong misses this side of him and decides to give in some more – even if it wouldn’t help his business.

“You can experiment if you want. Drinks on me tonight.” Jiyong pats his back and Hyunseung grins.

“Thanks. I knew it was a good idea to keep you as a friend.”

“Shut up and order something,” Jiyong replies, not used to this side of Hyunseung. They’re close friends but they don’t express it through their words. Sometimes, it’s enough when Hyunseung stops by the bar or Jiyong stays over for dinner at Hyunseung’s and they talk. Talking is always enough for them.

Jiyong watches Hyunseung’s spring up to call the server over. Somehow, Hyunseung’s finished his bottle without Jiyong remembering. He notices the black bags hanging under his eyes and wonders if it’s work or his thoughts bothering him at night this time. Hyunseung took Jiyong by surprise by showing up in a suit one day and said that he was going to his first meeting. He seemed ready from his styled hair and his lavish tie but when he came back that night, Jiyong thought the meeting went downhill but it was the opposite – it went successfully well and the contracts were signed; Hyunseung was just tired from preparing so much.

“So are you happy?” Jiyong asked, taking another tip while Hyunseung drinks the beer like it’s water. “You know, alcohol shrinks the brain.”

Hyunseung ignores him and puts the bottle down. Jiyong quirks his eyebrow at him, urging for him to reply. “Yeah. Things are getting better in terms of work and family and Airiss is happy.”

“Are you sure?”

Hyunseung eyes him, telling him to drop the topic though Hyunseung doesn’t hold his gaze for long. “Yes.”

After a moment of this staring contest, Hyunseung sighs. He runs his fingers through his hair, tousling it in weird angles and reaches for his blazer. “I’m done drinking. Can I crash at your place?”

Jiyong stares at him helplessly walking to the door and reaches for his wallet to pay. When Jiyong gets outside, he finds Hyunseung sitting on the bench outside the bar, his face buried in his hands. He sits down beside him and nudges him with his elbow. “Hey, you okay?”

Hyunseung doesn’t reply and stay static. So Jiyong sits silently beside him, staring at the streets. He doesn’t mind if he’s here the whole night if it’s what Hyunseung wants. He’ll just dread the morning afterwards but that’s what friends do. 

ღ________Comments

so i don't even know how to begin but with an apology. i'm so so sorry for the lack of updates. it's been almost two years and those two years have been very life-changing. I entered university and had a hard-time adjusting. i was struggling so much when academia used to be something that came to me easily, so it was like a slap in the face. Within those two years, I also fell in and out of love. it didn't end very well but things happen. i can say that it was the happiest moments in my life. it felt like some slow self-discovering journey and yeah. However, i never forgot about this story. it went through so much revision from when i first wrote it to now. The themes of "is love really that powerful? can it move mountains like people usually make it to be?" dictated how i want the story to turn out and even though, i have a vague idea of how i want it to end, i know it's subjective to change - a lot of change. i'm not going to make promises but i know i want to finish this story because it's become an important part of me - from my gr 10 self to my second year of uni self. it's crazy but it's been five years already. five years is a long time and i'm going to make it my goal to finish it because i do care for my characters deeply and want to explore life through them. 

i don't know if you guys are with me but i'll understand if you guys aren't here - there's a life waiting for you and i want you all to experience it. 

cheers, guys <3

Happy Lunar New Year!!