I miss you all ;A; let us all rejoice in this group hug /hugs/

This part is written in the past. 
 

ღ________Chapter 14: Point Zero

I had no classes the next day so I had the benefit of staying late at Nia’s house with the whole gang listening to my story, dropping appropriate comments here and there. They stayed quiet, listening for the most part. Instead of angrily bashing Hyunseung, they were madder at me which surprised me. They were hurt that I didn’t tell them about Hyunseung earlier and it made sense except I don’t understand why I couldn’t think of their feelings sooner.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Kerin inquiries, a stern look on her face.

“If I told you guys, you would tell me to leave him and I really don’t want to.” I reply like a child. Somewhere in our relationship, Hyunseung became a necessity to me. I should hate it because vulnerability is something I’d avoid. I don’t want to be dependent on another person, I don’t want to be weak but somehow, unknowingly, I became weak. I became the thing I hated the most and it was for Hyunseung but because it’s Hyunseung, I don’t mind.

“Airiss, you have to know that we want you to be happy, but we want you to be safe as well,” Yoseob says, “We care for you. It’s not like we’re going to strip your happiness from you.” He shrugs and continues to sip his coffee but I can tell that he’s upset, really upset. 

A nuance of guilt hits me. They were worried for me but I was too concerned about Hyunseung, making excuses for him that I never realized how much I fretted over him. I ended up forgetting about the friends around me, the people that still care for me, the ones who want the best for me. This thought fills me up with the warmness Hyunseung used to give. Maybe I didn’t need Hyunseung as much as I thought, they were more than enough.

“Thank you guys.” I mutter, my voice cracks at the end. Nia holds my hand to stop my tears. They all acknowledge it in their own ways from Junhyung nodding to Kerin giving my shoulder a little punch.

“Though I think what Hyunseung’s hiding is important and if he could, he would really tell you.” Junhyung says, “Give him some time. I can tell that he’s sincere about you.”

“Any more time and Airiss’ going to die.” Nia retorts and Junhyung rolls his eyes. Yoseob tries to calm both of them down with his glances.

“I think I should get back.” I steal a quick glance at the clock and sigh. “I still have work tomorrow. Suwon’s back from vacation so my hours will increase. It’s good timing, right?” I chuckle and no one laughs. Truthfully, everyone was jumpy and worried. An argument was bound to happen at this rate and I didn’t want them to argue because of me.

“If you don’t want to go back, it’s okay. The doors to my house will always welcome you.” Nia puts an arm around my shoulder and squeezes lightly. I look up and see her hopeful eyes. She wanted me to stay, I could almost see it.

I deeply reconsider it and finally decide on staying over at Nia’s for their sake. Junhyung and Kerin get kicked out to go buy some more food since Kerin isn’t the best at rock paper scissors and Junhyung has to suffer with her.

“Need anything from your house? We’ll drive by on the way,” Kerin asks and I ponder for a bit before remembering about school.

“Get me the textbooks and work for class tomorrow?” I reply and hug Kerin and Junhyung for going out of their way to do this –it was their way of babying me but not too explicitly because they knew I hated that. I never hated the general idea of them giving in to me but I just hated how I needed the giving in, the babying when I should be the one going out of my way for their needs, their happiness.

Kerin starts spinning the keys around her index finger and declares, “I guess the earlier I go, the better.”

“I’ll drive since you’ll probably hit a dog on the way.” Junhyung laughs, slinging an arm around her shoulder. She pinches his arm and he just chuckles as it’s her way to respond to his jabbing joke.

“Let’s watch a horror movie.” Yoseob suggests and walks over to pop in a disc.

“Okay.” I respond. As much as I wasn’t in the mood for the horror movie, they were trying and I wanted to let them know that their efforts weren’t going to waste.


When the movie ended an hour and a half later, with Nia shrieking whenever the scene called for it and Yoseob peeking through the gaps between his fingers, Junhyung and Kerin came walking in through the door. They turn on the lights and we momentarily become blinded by it.

“Airiss’ house is a twenty minute drive and the supermarket isn’t that far away. What took you so long?” Nia complains as her eyes adjust to the bright light.

“There was –”

“We saw Hyunseung so we stood outside, talking for a while.” Junhyung cuts Kerin off. Kerin, Nia and Yoseob all send Junhyung a glare, which he pretended to be oblivious to. I just shrug in response.

“What...” I trailed off, contemplating if I really wanted to know, “did he say?”

Junhyung stands there for a second, pensive and Kerin sits down, determined not to tell me. She hands me my bag of clothing and another bag for schoolwork without a word. I plead her to tell me with my eyes but she stands her ground.

“He asks if you’re okay. He’s really sorry and he regrets it.” Junhyung finally replies “He also tells you to believe in him.” I know he’s trying to summarize it with the least amount of words possible because he knows me. He knows well enough to know that I’ll remember every single word he tells me, and dwell on each and every one of them for the whole night. I thank him with a small smile and he nods.

“He said that for almost two hours?” Yoseob questions, suspicious.

Junhyung sends Kerin a look, as if for approval or confirmation for: ‘is this a good idea?’ Kerin sends him a look in response but I can’t decipher what it means. Nia gives her an imploring glance and Yoseob watches for a response. This all happens within a second but we’re all accustomed to this silent conversation that we know words aren’t needed.

Kerin sighs and finally speaks, “You should have seen him, Airiss. He was a mess, sitting on your doorstep. He didn’t know what to say and was so...broken. I didn’t want to tell you” –she looks me directly in the eye – “but he looked horrible.”

“You’re probably mad at him right now but he’s a good guy. If he could tell you, he really would Airi.” Junhyung says. “I want you to believe in him too.”

“He really made you happy, Air.” Yoseob comments, “As much as I don’t want to say it but you getting hurt isn’t okay so watch and wait for a while.”

“Yeah,” Nia agrees. “Don’t give in until he promises he’ll tell you everything.”

Suddenly there were four Doojoons here, not my four best friends. I was grateful for my best friends and decided that for them, I’ll try to be happy and not fall into Hyunseung’s every word unless I got what I wanted.
 

*~*

After living at Nia’s place for two days, I finally decided to eat breakfast at the café. If Nia’s coffee were as good as the ones the café made, then there wouldn’t be a problem but unfortunately it wasn’t. Heading inside the café brought back so many forms of nostalgia – the coffee aroma, the simple and clean interior, the antique cups, everything reminded me of Hyunseung.

Maybe I was here because I was hoping that Hyunseung would walk through the back doors in his black bowtie and white apron, not because I wanted coffee. Maybe if we could meet for mere seconds then our problems can be resolved. The maybes and what ifs dangerously feed to my imagination and all of them was flushed down the drain when Dongwoon walked through, donning his goofy grin.

I smile brightly and wave at him. He sees me and makes his way over. “The usual?” He asks and I nod, just like always.

“How’s your ankle? I heard from Seulong that you injured it pretty badly,” I gesture towards his foot. Apparently, he had tripped going up the stairs which caused him to fall down the stairs, resulting in a badly sprained ankle.

“My ankle is fine now. My dad was over-reacting,” Dongwoon replies.

“With a son like you, I’d be dripping sweat every time you walk,” I joke and we break into small laughter.

Dongwoon suddenly sits across from me, with a probing look on his face. “What?” I demand, uncomfortable under his glance.

“I also heard from Seulong that your boyfriend replaced me, it’s a coincidence, eh?” He remarks and smiles. “Too bad he quit before I could even see him. You have to introduce him to me, Seulong really likes him,” he whines.

I grin, “I will, don’t worry. Now go get me my coffee or Seulong’s going to come after you.” I usher him off and sigh in relief at the fast aversion.

I smile at his retreating figure.

Despite everything that’s happened, everything that’s changed, one thing is guaranteed to be the same – Dongwoon; the dumb, oblivious and ever-so-happy Dongwoon, with his childish grins and clumsy gait. I’m thankful for the consistency that is Dongwoon.

 

*~*

After breakfast and school, I was whisk off to work immediately. I was partially right when I said my hours will increase at work. Suwon came back from vacation with a lot more developmental plans for the bookstore. She raised my pay but also raised the amount of hours. Distraction from my social life was good and I was thankful for it. Sometimes, the cycle of work and school didn’t allocate time for eating or sleeping at all. I’d often run out of school with a bagel in hand or sleep at Kerin and Junhyung’s because their house was closer to the bookstore. I practically didn’t go home but they didn’t blame me, instead they understand and let me do what I want.

Today at work, I was stuck in the back shelving books. It wasn’t a hard job but there was a lot of dust.

“Airiss, there’s someone here to see you,” Suwon said, bellowing to me from the front.

My heart skipped a beat for a split second. It couldn’t be Hyunseung, it’s impossible. He wouldn’t cause a scene at the bookstore. Doojoon was probably more likely. He was known for his surprises but this seems too cruel to be one of his jokes.

“Hmm?” I poke my head out from the back. Surprisingly, I found a small bit of me wishing that it was Hyunseung. He’s here to apologize with the untold stories of his heart. But it wasn’t.

I should stop the wishful thinking.

It wasn’t Doojoon either. It’s Mae in her cream colour coat and beige heels, Mae standing inside the bookstore, the one with books collecting dust and the aged chandelier. She looked out of place with the window framing her, its unique curves and turns complimented with rusty looking rails, giving the bookstore an Victorian look. “Mae, what are you doing here?”

Her eyes land on me and panic fill them – again. She seems to be nervous every time she’s around other people. I don’t know why but it must be because of her childhood.


“I – umm, are you free after work today?” She stutters, her hand grips the handle of her purse and I notice the many wrinkles on it.

“I am, but I end in half an hour. Is anything wrong? Did something happen to Sangryul?” I ask, concern. Sangryul didn’t show up yesterday. He didn’t skip daycare unless he was really sick and if he was sick, he wouldn’t tell anyone.

“No – no, nothing happened. It’s just that you look gloomy lately when I pick Sangryul up two days ago. Do you – or perhaps would you like to go out with me today?” Now Mae’s knuckles were white from the tight grip on her bag.

I inwardly breathe a sigh of relief, “Sure, do you mind waiting?”

Mae’s eyes lights up, “Of course not. Thank you Airiss.” She smiled and the sparkles reach her eyes faster than her arms, which stretch out to hug me. I hug back, a little bit confuse at her actions but happy.

“What about Sangryul?”

“He’s with my father at the moment,” she smiles and this is the first time I’ve heard her mention her father.

Suwon interjected, pretending to read a book but I can tell she’s hanging onto every word. “Airiss, you only have half an hour left. You can leave early.”

I look back at Mae and then to Suwon, “Suwon –” I wanted to leave but it seemed so unprofessional – leaving early.

“Airiss, it’s just half an hour. Your pay check’s going to be the same, don’t worry.”

I laugh, “I’m not worried about that. It’s just –”

“Think of it as my feeble attempt to keep you here,” Suwon hauls her arm around my shoulder, laughing.

“Don’t worry, I won’t leave even if you kick me out,” I look behind to Mae, “Mae, I’ll be out in a minute.” The image of Mae smiling lingers on my mind and I notice that she has a pretty smile; it frees her from her anxiety.

 

*~*

My definition of shopping differs greatly from Mae’s. The driver drove us for about half an hour before we stopped in front of a plaza, a plaza I’ve never seen before and I understood why the moment I stepped in. It isn’t surprising once I thought about it since she’s rich, so the stores she would visit are obviously different from mine.

“Mae, this place is huge,” I mumble, staring at the stores and generally the people waltzing around with their brands and labels. The ceiling was made of glass so it gave the illusion that the ceiling was as high as the sky. A giant fountain sat in the middle and the water clear and translucent.

“It’s one of the few places I know. I should have asked you first, sorry.” Mae says in a low mutter.

I look at her as if I suffer from a whiplash, bewildered at her apology. “Mae, it’s not your fault.” I glance around the mall, trying to find a distraction. There were certainly a lot of stores so there could be something that I like here. “So where do you usually shop?”

“Come, I’ll show you.” She smiles, her body gesturing me to follow her. She seemed...more alive today. I like this side of her.

 

*~*

After two hours, I found out that Mae likes recondite patterns and pastel colors – which are seemingly different from my style, which are simple and earthly colors. So when both of us gawk over clothing, the latter would initially hate them with a passion or courteously shake our head, we both laugh knowing that our styles are too different – or in Yoseob’s guy handbook, our codes don’t match.

“Mae, it’s been so long since we’ve last seen you, how are you doing?” One of the storeowners gushes over Mae and every pristine thing about her – hair, nails, makeup, heck even her new anklet which I didn’t notice.

Mae politely smiled, flushing a bit. “Hello Mrs. Cho, how are you?”

“I’m doing well, who’s your friend?” She looks at me with interest and I nod cordially at her. I get the feeling she wants to remake me or rather, make me as pristine as Mae. Even though Mae’s jumpy most of the time, the way she dresses is a different story. Her attire holds onto the air of elegance and posh even though it’s not her intention. Even the click-clack of her heels sound different.

“She’s my close friend, Chae Airiss... Airiss, this is Mrs. Cho.”

After a short exchange of hellos, a pile of clothing was dropped on both of us thanks to Mrs. Cho’s sharp tongue. Looking at myself in the mirror of the changing room, I almost didn’t recognize myself because of the exotic clothing and the strange fabric. Clothing doesn’t define a person but it can certainly feign another identity. The number of zeros following the price tag made me gawk for the longest time. Changing back to my clothes, my own comfort, I hand the other ones back to Mrs. Cho with a sad smile.

“You didn’t like the clothes?” Mae ask, leaving the store empty-handed as well. She looks worried. “Sorry for bringing you here without asking you, I should have asked –”

I shake my head. “I think I have to save up before coming here,” I laugh but it sounded so fake and so forced; just like the ones in the movies. Suddenly my life is a story, that’s something worth laughing about.

“If you want then I can –”

“No, Mae. It’s okay,” I smile at her reassuringly. At least let me keep some of my pride.

Mae -in some ways- was like a puppy that always needs encouragement and care. She needs someone to tell her that it’s okay and that they love her. It keeps her afloat but she needs care on a daily basis.

“Okay.” Mae says but I can see that in her eyes, she’s doubtful of me and my decision to leave.

I didn’t mind handling Mae with delicacy but sometimes it can get tiring.

*~*

The jewellery store was another world compared to the clothing stores. With the use of fancy lightening, the jewellery sparkled in every angle viewed at. From a creative perspective, it was art. How the fine piece of stone doesn’t lose its glimmer despite the shift of vision perception is amazing and at some point, the jewellery seems to sparkle more – at least that’s the impression given. It feels like looking at the ocean at night with the moon resplendent the surface of it.

I see Mae sitting down while one of the workers takes one of the jewelleries out. It seems so natural for her, as if they’ve been serving her jewellery for her their whole life. I snap out of my thoughts and stand beside her, staring.

“Wow... ” I stare at the bracelet on display. Despite it being really complicated with the designs and clashing with my usual style, it holds the power to make me contemplate and give a double-take. Maybe it would match me or maybe it’s those five second desires. It’s the power of thirst for materialism.

“What do you think of it?” Mae ask, holding her brittle wrist up as the worker puts the same bracelet on.

“It’s beautiful, it really matches you,” I encourage, masking my disappointment.

“I think I’ll get it,” Mae says hopeful. I turn away; missing Mae whisper something else into the worker’s ears. I stare at the bracelet one last time. Even if I did give it a double-take, I can never afford it. So it’s better to give it to someone who has the ability to keep and appreciate its beauty.

Stepping out of the chain of jewellery stores, we step into more domestic ones: furniture, culinary, home décor. I remember that Mae lives a pretty domestic life with Sangryul and her busy husband.

“What does your husband like to eat?” I stare at the pictures in the cookbook. Glancing at the instructions, I get a small headache. Good thing Hyunseung doesn’t mind the simple food that I make but he isn’t a better chef so we’ll have to settle with reality.

“I’m not sure, I haven’t cooked enough for him to find that out,” she smiles a sad one, holding a spatula in her hand awkwardly as if her fingers didn’t know how to curl around the handle.

“Oh.” I say, flipping through the pages in mock enthusiasm. It wasn’t that I was heartless, I just didn’t want to look up to meet tears in her eyes; I don’t think I can handle it.

“What does –?”

The usual jingle of my cell phone interrupts and I stare at my phone. I wanted to see Hyunseung on the screen but he understood me too well, he knew that I’d despise it if he were to call me every hour so he gave me my space. It was Kerin calling. I sigh as I picked up the call; she was probably going to nag me.

“Hey Kerinnie, what wrong did I do this time?” I ask, staring at the ceiling.

“Do I only call to reprimand you?” She teases and clears , “I was calling to see if you’re staying over tonight.”

“I’m probably going back home tonight so don’t cook an extra serving for me – I have to admit though, your cooking has gotten better but then again, Junhyung is a picky eater.”

She laughs in agreement, “Thanks and I know, I had resist the urge to strangle him. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I smell smoke.”

We both laugh and hang up. I stare at my phone, hoping that he would call but after five seconds, I threw it back in my bag. 

“Expecting someone else?” Mae ask, a suggestive tone in her voice. I look at her, almost forgetting that she was there and nod. Feeling exposed, my cheeks warming up at the vague mention of Hyunseung.

“A fight?” She guesses and I don’t respond to her. Despite the silence, she understands.

“Whatever happens between you two, don’t let it ruin the relationship,” Mae advices, and there’s a bit of me that’s willing to guess that what she’s saying comes from direct experience, sad experience even. “It’s special when two people have mutual feelings for each other, so cherish it.”

I nod, not quite taking her words to heart since she doesn’t know the context. She doesn’t know why and I don’t think she could understand why either.

“How long have you known him for?” Mae looks at me, “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“For almost five months,” I respond immediately, giving her a small smile. “I don’t mind you asking. How about you and your husband?”

“I’ve been married for five years,” Mae replies, not really answering my question. We pause for a bit, Mae contemplating on which kitchen set to buy and me looking at the candle stands. Then it dawns onto me. Sangryu’s five years old.

“Mae, would you mind me asking how old you are?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t mind. I’m 24. I got married and had Sangryul when I was 18.” She says, answering the questions running in my mind. I awkwardly smile at her, embarrassed for letting her read my mind so easily.

The curiosity’s almost killing me, the questions of “Why?” wanting to be asked. Why make the life-changing decision at 18. The age when you become an adult, when you can shape the world the way you want, and make your own choices. Why make two important choices like that when there’s so much more time.

Mae smiled, watching my expression, understanding it. “When you’re 18, you believe in the craziest things – like happiness.”

 

*~*

After one round of the mall, I feel like I’ve spent an eternity there just prancing around the stores. Mae apparently feels the same because she decides to call it a day.

“Thank you so much, Airiss,” Mae says before pulling me for another hug. She’s been doing that a lot – showing affection without second thoughts. I’m happy for her but it means that something good has happened to her, I just don’t know what.

“No, I should be thanking you. I had a lot of fun today,” I hug back, inhaling her light but sweet perfume. It leaves a lasting and very defining notion on me; I won’t forget it.

“I hope things between you and your boyfriend get patched up.” She nods and gives my hand a shake. Hopefully.

“Thanks and some day, I want to try your cooking. If your husband doesn’t’ appreciate it, I will.” I offer and she smiles.

“Any time you want.” Mae says, adding a laugh at the end. Her face changes into a mix of surprise and bliss. “Oh – This is a little present from me.” Mae slips a velveteen box into my hand. The box is almost black but when shifted, changes into a midnight blue. A ribbon sits on top and I carefully undo it, opening it to see the same bracelet Mae and I were admiring two hours ago. Now it’s in my hand, in my possession. It’s mine.

“Mae, I can’t, this is too much –” I stammer, touched but at the same time, suffocating because of her generosity. Not only is the price – which is half a year’s worth of me saving up – is astonishing but the lenience at which she gives it is me is too much. She might desperately need someone, need friendship, which may be why she’s offering it to me.

“Airiss, I know you wanted this bracelet the moment you saw it. You’re one of my few close friends and Sangryul told me a lot about you – how you always talk to him, even when he doesn’t ask you to – so think of it as a thank you for being there for us.” She claps her hand over mine which closes the box. “Keep it, I only ask that you treasure the bracelet.”

“I still can’t –” I say but willingly, I put the bracelet away. I worry that the box would be scratched and tattered by my keys or anything else in there but it would be worst if I carried it by hand. “Thank you. I don’t know what else can top this present, but thank you.”

“Your friendship is enough.” Mae smiles her brightest one yet and ushers me towards her car.

From that point on, Mae started opening up to me a lot more with random calls talking about her day, her family and her struggles. It was still a very new experience for her, having a friend and she often apologized for the most trivial things. Nevertheless, I still regarded her as a very close friend of mine.


 

*~*

The next few days, I kept the bracelet in my room. I couldn’t wear it because it would catch the loose threads of my arm warmers so I’d frequently wear it at home. It felt weird wearing something that cost half a year of savings on my wrist so easily but it was something I have to get used it. There were also a lot more shopping trips with Mae as it seems to be the only thing she seems comfortable with. Though, it proves to be a good distraction from Hyunseung who cease in any form of communication. Even without him, I find that I can still live my life perfectly day-to-day with my usual routine. Maybe I can do that my whole life.

After getting off the bus and down the usual road home, I knew something was wrong when I twisted the doorknob. It wasn’t that the house changed shapes or color but the air felt different, disturbed almost. Usually, it took two turns of the doorknob for the door to slide open but today, it only took one. I don’t know what difference it made but there was a difference.

I glance inside the house and it responded back with its silence. It looked the same and I smelled the odour. I continue to look around the house until my eyes land on the briefcase on my couch. I quickly look towards the stairs for the bit of noise that distracted me.

“Surprise, surprise!” The figure exclaims, a towel around the person’s neck, rustling their wet locks. I don’t think when I see them and rush into their open arms as we both laugh in glee. It’s been too long and I almost forget that we’ve been separated for a matter of years and not decades of centuries— but it certainly does feel that long— but then again, time is a confusing concept altogether.

“What are you doing here?” I exclaim, smiling as we pull away.

The person smoothes out my hair and chuckles, “My company sent me here to work on a project. I was going to surprise you tomorrow but the hotel got my room mixed up so I’m staying here for the time being.” Time being. So he’s only staying here temporarily, he’ll be gone again.

I nod at the grim thought. Then suddenly, I remember that Hyunseung exists and that particular issue stands. I look back at the figure in front of me and conclude that: no, he can’t find out about Hyunseung – not yet. There must have been a look of frustration on my face as the person looks confuse, perplex for a second and most definitely worried. “You don’t look very happy to see me,” he frowns.

I smile and hug him again, “Of course I’m happy to see you, Doojoon.”

 

*~*

The day afterwards when I was returning from work, I received a shock when I opened the door. On the other side of the door is Doojoon with his laptop and paper sprawl all over the dining table - now temporarily known as his desk.

“Welcome home,” he looks up and greets with a warm smile.

“I’m home.” I grin back.

It was something stupid we all used to do when we were still students. Whoever came home first would greet the other person with: “Welcome home,” to which the receiver would say, “I’m home.” It was dumb but after watching anime, the characters did that and they seemed very happy. So trying to feign the feeling of home, we did that during our darkest times.

“Gina called,” he said, walking over as I walk through the door. It felt weird to have your brother home after not seeing him physically for two years but it felt nice for a change.

“Did you tell her you’re back?” for a while. I didn’t forget but the ‘for a while’ kept tugging at my heart. When the project’s done, is he going to go back to Singapore and never come back?

“She told me that I’m going to get a beating for not telling her that I’m already here,” he chuckles and mutters something about a sadistic woman. I laugh; Gina and Doojoon still didn’t stop their bickering after two years and to think that they’re full grown adults.

“What’s your project about?” I ask, peeling off my coat while settling down on the couch.

“I’m supposed to be working with a project manager in Korea to oversee the building of the company’s new mal. Since the main office is in Singapore, Father couldn’t leave so he sent me.” I nod, used to Doojoon calling the CEO of Cube Inc, ‘Father.’ From his stories of how Mr. Hong helped Doojoon during his time in Singapore, I could tell that Mr. Hong loves his workers as if they were his children. Doojoon also looks at him like the missing father figure in his life so it all works out in the end.

“Is the project manager a lady?” I ask with quirked brows and Doojoon starts giving me his dissent stare.

“I’m back for a project Air, not for that.” He says and I sigh. Back then in high school, I never recalled Doojoon having a girlfriend— if he did, he did a good job at hiding it. But rather than hiding it, I don’t think he ever had the time to go on dates or tell us because of him working so often and taking care of the family burden.

“I know, I want the best for you though.”

“By the way, do you have a boyfriend? Last time, during our phone conversation, you were hinting at something.” He asks, a teasing smirk on his lips.

I recoil at the indirect mentions of Hyunseung. Do I tell Doojoon about Hyunseung? But that would mean telling him about his secrets and that – Doojoon would never approve of it. He’ll be incensed at Hyunseung and I don’t want that. I want to keep these two important people in my life; I want them to like each other. Maybe another time.

“I don’t know, do I?” I ask, teasing him and quickly run off to my room before he could interrogate me further. Upon closing the door, I hear him yell, “You can’t keep it a secret forever!”

I sigh and stop before turning the doorknob to my room. “Hyunseung, you can’t keep your secret forever either.”

 

*~*

Since I’ve been meeting with Mae so often, Doojoon has the suspicion that Mae is my ‘supposed boyfriend’ but I’ll deny him, saying that she’s just a friend. It is true so my conscience didn’t feel bad as it did when I’d lie about Hyunseung. It’s a hard thing, being pulled between two important people in your life - the brother whom you’ve depended on your whole life for a familial sense and the person who gave you a whole new world. I don’t know how long I can be stretched until I break, trying to balance but I know that I have to be strong because Doojoon was strong throughout the years; I can’t make him clean up after my mess forever. It’s just hard trying to cope with the situation when you don’t even know what the situation is.

Speaking of Doojoon, despite him breathing the same air as me, I don’t see him as much as I would like. He’s always busy with work, too busy to eat or sleep, so sometimes Jihyun would call me and I’d come pick him up. It’s nice seeing Doojoon sleeping because I rarely see him. He looks so at peace and a lot younger without the worried wrinkles crinkling his face. I kind of wish that we switched positions so that I was the older sister and he was the younger brother. Would I be the one going to Singapore while he stayed here? Probably not but I wish Doojoon had a more normal adolescent experience. He would be playing soccer and eating out with his friends. He would probably be a soccer player or a coach, not a businessman. He probably would have laughed a lot more. As for me, I would have stayed in Korea, selling my soul for money to ensure that the household was in order. I would have aged a thousand more years but it doesn’t matter. I don’t entirely matter in this equation of happiness.

The alarm clock I set the night before goes off, playing its annoying tune. I turn towards it and hit the ‘off’ button. With Hyunseung missing, Doojoon coming back and Mae warming up to me, I’ve been having too many thoughts keeping me up at the night. It’s not a bad thing, it’s good to have problems to worry about rather than leadomg an empty life but sometimes, it’s too much of life thrown at me. I can’t handle it but I have to take the load off of Doojoon’s shoulder and learn how to solve my own problem.

Sitting up and stretching a bit in bed, I get ready for the day. Today, I’m meeting with Mae again. Lately, her good mood seems to be rubbing off Sangryul as he’s talking a lot more often. His expression still doesn’t change but the fact that he’s saying his thoughts is already a big step forward. I’m happy for his step and want him to take many more steps.

Five minutes before the designated meeting time with Mae, I get a call telling me that she’s going to be running a little late. I tell her, “It’s fine, and I don’t mind waiting.”

So standing outside the bus stop, I try to busy myself by memorizing people’s clothing – the color of threads, how long their sleeves are or where the ruffles end. It was one of the exercises my social worker taught me so I wouldn’t get anxious in a public place. Who knew it’d work even now?

“Hey Airiss.” A person waves at me from a distance. I squint, trying to remember who she is or at least, the jumble remnants of her name. My mind failed and identified her as “Unknown.”

I smile politely, “Hey.” I don’t know why but I feel comfortable around her, the air around her seems to relax me. She seems familiar but at the same time, so different.

“You don’t remember me, AC?” she chuckles and then it hits me like a truck, the effect traumatizing and all the more shocking. That nickname.

“Hey Jiyeol,” I smile. I’m not surprise I didn’t recognize her, she changed – a lot. Her long waves now cut short to a cute pixie cut. Her eyes now line with dark charcoal, brightening up her features. She seems more sophisticated and independent.

She was the preppy public affairs person in the student council committee when I was the secretary. She’s friendly with everyone because of her wide connection. As if being in student government, a bunch of sport teams such as basketball, volleyball and badminton didn’t help. Additionally, she was musically involved from playing the piano during school assemblies to playing the violin to assist someone’s solo. She tried to befriend everyone, including me but I don’t think it was as successful as she hoped it would be. She called me ‘AC’ because of my initial, and then she said some snide remark about how ‘AC’ is the abbreviation for Air Conditioning. It was pretty funny and it made me laugh a lot. After a year’s worth of her effort, I let her drive me home a few times and we ate out but I don’t think any other word than ‘friends’ would match. I didn’t talk to her about my personal things as much but she was fine with it as she talked and talked. I wonder if she’s still the same person.

“How are you?” I ask. The welled up feelings of guilt pulse through my veins as I remember moving without telling her.

I don’t think she’s -hurt about it but the surprise look on her face told me something else. “I’m great,” she exhaled in relief, “I’m getting married.”

I notice her engagement ring and truly feel happy that she found her happy ending. Jiyeol’s a girl that deserves the best out of the best. From her hard work to endearing smiles, she defines what I’m not, what I want (This was all four years ago, I think I’ve changed).

“Congratulations,” I smile.

“Thanks Airiss, I hope things are going well for you.”

My mind backtracks to Hyunseung and I could boldly say that I had some degree of happiness, but now...

“Actually,” Jiyeol giggles, “You don’t have to tell me, I can see it on your face.” A teasing connotation lace her voice and I don’t find any reason to burden her so I smile, letting her imagination make up stories.

“I’m really glad that you’re happy, Airiss,” she says on a more serious tone.

“How’s Doojoon by the way? Is he still with –”

“They broke up,” A long time ago. I interject quickly. Every time someone or something invokes memories of her, he gets sad for a bit, but he doesn’t show it. I’m one of the few that can see it when he’s screaming for help, and it pains me to see him so sad. So I vow to protect him no matter what.

“Oh.” I see her face drop and the urge to ask what happened between them rises again.

“You know Jiyeol, back then, I really thought of you as a friend.” I say, kicking the pebbles. It was true; Jiyeol was one of the few friends I had in class as opposed to Doojoon, Mr. Popular.

“You had a funny way of showing it, but I’m glad,” she jokes and I chuckle.

We continue along the road of small talks and reserved laughter. I feel the memories of back then drop here and there, incising into my already swollen heart of nostalgia. I feel my arm warmers scrunch as I occasionally pull them up or seconds after curling my fingers into fists.

It continues for five minutes until a car pulls up and Jiyeol smiles, really brightly. I feel happy for her, watching her indulge with life’s greatest gifts. Before she gets in the car, she muses, “We’re still going to contact each other, right?”

I nod, “Yeah, definitely.”

She smiles, a brighter one than before and tucks in her seatbelt. Her fiancée nods politely at me and I respond with a small grin. I turn around to walk away only to realize that I didn’t have her new phone number but the sounds of the tire against the pavement told me that she was already so far away. I smile, a sad one, a happy one, something in between. These effigies of past memories sometimes drops out of nowhere and leaves like a waft of fresh air. It’s nice to remember them, to smile about them but they’re not meant to be permanent.

“Who was that?” I jump a little at a small voice and turn around to see Mae.

I smile, “An old friend. She’s changed a lot but for some reason, I can’t accept it. She’s the same person but I can’t remember what she looked like before her pixie cut.”

“It doesn’t really matter, right? As long as she looks happy now,” Mae offers.

“Yeah, I guess it doesn’t matter.”

 

*~*

“Oh, you went to that high school?” Mae questions and I feel self-conscious. Somehow, our conversation today dug into the past rather than focusing on the present. On the other hand, that’s a side effect of a growing friendship and I welcome it openly. I found out that Mae went overseas to study because a fortune teller told her father that her fate didn’t match with his which may result in disastrous catastrophes if she had stayed. Mae never really understood since she was so young and thought of it as a trip. When her mom died while she was in high school, her father brought her back to Korea out of remorse. They didn’t talk a lot because of the distance in their relationship but they tried and Mae felt that it was enough. Mae assured me countless times that her father loves her a lot despite being superstitious and wanted the best for her. I didn’t want to delve into her family problems because she didn’t seem comfortable about it, so I didn’t ask further. Compared to her childhood and mine, there was such a big contrast but yet the discomfort that lurked upon the mention of it is similar. It’s so similar that it helps us understand one another.

“Yeah, you probably never heard of my high school before, eh?” I ask, smiling. My school was in the city, far from my house and the transportation wasn’t lenient at all but it was the closest thing to a getaway I could get my hands on.

Mae quickly shakes her head, “Actually, your school was well-known for its fine arts so it was mentioned frequently at my school.”

“Really? I never knew that.” Unlike my school, Mae’s prestigious high school was a legacy for its sports and high academic program while mine was an art school. Any child that went there either had aristocratic parents or were extremely gifted and earned their way to the top.

My phone started ringing and I look at Mae and excuse myself from the table. “Hey Gina,” I say, heading towards the washroom for peace and quiet.

“Hey Airiss, where are you?” Her happy voice asks, and I can tell that she’s smiling that smile where her eyes turn into pretty crescents. Gina has always had that calming effect on people from her sweet voice to her comforting eyes.

“I’m near your office, can you come right now?”

“Definitely. Remember the plan?” Gina reminds me and I nod. She giggles at the mentions of it because she’s never done such a thing before, but I think she’s just bored at lunch time and finds it ‘intriguing.’ Whatever the reason, if it could help Mae then I’m grateful.

“I remember. Thanks for everything again,” I tell her.

“Don’t even mention it. I’ll be there in five.”

I stare at the phone and steal a glance at Mae. Ever since I met her, I knew there was something about her – from the nervousness and fidgety actions, staying at home all the time, to her strained relationships with her husband and her father. After hearing her childhood story, I was certain that there was something hidden inside of her that she always wanted to say but had no confidence to tell me or anyone else. The pent-up urge can become a catalyst for other mind-warps so I want to prevent her from becoming what I am today; scared to live, scared of the unexpected. I thought of Gina and how she might help release that overwhelming stress and maybe bring her out of her self-secluded shell. I want to see the same Mae I saw when we went shopping together.

I come to the table and find Mae clutching her hands in anxiety. “Mae, is something wrong?” I ask while taking a seat and she vigorously shakes her head. I notice that she’s panicking but doesn’t mention it, it’ll make things worse.

“Everything’s fine,” says but her eyes scream fright.

I hear the wind chimes in front of the door, telling me that someone entered the cafe. I see Gina who casually turns her head towards me in surprise, then breaks into a smile. “Airiss!” she waves her hand and makes her way over.

I inwardly sigh, Gina’s perfect at acting. She’s enjoying this way too much. “Gina, how are you?” I exclaim in surprise and awe. I give her a big hug when she’s within reach.

“Wonderful, how are you doing?” She replies and steals a glance at Mae.

“Good,” I look back at Mae, “Gina, this is Park Mae. Mae, this is Choi Gina.” I introduce them and Mae stands up to shake Gina’s hand. Gina never stops smiling that bright smile of hers and she gives Mae her business card. I can already tell that Mae has calmed down a bit after talking with Gina for a minute and knew that I found the right person.

“You’re a psychologist for someone so young,” Mae remarks, reading the card.

“I’m not that young, I’m 27 though I just opened my own office,” Gina says, laughing and Mae smiles gently. We continue to chat for another half hour until Gina says her lunch break’s almost over. In the end, they exchange phone numbers and Gina stands up to hug Mae before dashing back to her office.

“She’s a happy person,” Mae says and I completely agree, yet surprise at how Mae is at observing people’s behaviours to determine their characters. I always thought she was passive in a sense since her mind seemed to always be in some haze, an anxiety haze but her mind’s much clearer than I expected.

“Very happy,” I comment, “She went to my school but she was three years older so when I came, she left the following year. I really look up to her though. In the short time that we’ve met, she gave me a lot of advice unknowingly, just by talking to me about every day, trivial things.”

“She seems like the type that would get along with everyone,” Mae comments.

“She did, she was the president after all.” I say, reminiscing about my high school days. Suddenly our talks steered down the memory lane with Mae talking about her childhood in America and that her friend had blonde curly hair like a poodle’s and eyes as blue as the ocean.

Compared to Mae, I didn’t talk about my childhood at all. She noticed my silence and accepted it. I’m grateful for her kindness as she continued to talk about her first car and having her first kiss in it.

 

*~*

After a few days of (failed) interrogation, Doojoon gives up on the idea of my supposed boyfriend. Within those days, it’s like Hyunseung vanished. There are no calls, no sight of him. Nothing. If the rest of Jurin and Seoba didn’t see Hyunseung, then I would have convinced myself to believe that Hyunseung was a figment of my imagination, a hallucination but a beautiful hallucination.

Despite everything that’s happened, I really miss him, like there was a part of me that left with him. I didn’t feel empty but I would look over my head, hoping to see him but I don’t see his eyes. I can’t find him.

Maybe I’ve lost him.

Maybe I was being too stubborn, too relentless. Maybe I should have given in to him and he would still be here. Hyunseung would still be here with me and I wouldn’t lose him. What if after this incident, I’ve lost him, forever? Forever. Forever is such a long time though, can I live without Hyunseung forever?

At the mere thoughts of it, tears well up in my eyes. I hastily wipe them away but they keep pooling up in an overwhelming bunch. I soon stop trying and let them fall and soak my sweater. A future without Hyunseung is almost unfathomable.

I reach for the phone and realize on the impulse of calling him. Thinking back, I realize that this is the first time I’ve ever tried to reach out to him. It was always him looking for me, him making the calls and I agreed. My fingers tremble with fear as I dial his number. As the dial tone started, my fingers weren’t the only things trembling but my heart as well, beating loudly beneath my rib cage. What if Hyunseung doesn’t pick up? What if he does pick up and ask, “Who are you?” I would probably slip from the floor and sink to the dirt with my fingers clawing for help, only to have my nails filled with soil. Hyunseung still wouldn’t know who’s on the other line and would hang up, probably shaking his head at the particular prank call. I can’t handle that.

After five rings, I hear someone pick up and I start to speak but they interrupt me: “We're sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service. Please check the number and try your call again."

I stop breathing and stand there, frozen. Hyunseung’s number isn’t in service anymore. I can’t reach him. That means I can’t find him. I won’t see him ever again.

I really did lose him.

I hear the message echo in my mind even after I’ve hung up.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.


Unwilling to accept reality, I head to the showers to wash away the hurt; the hurt that flows down my cheeks, the hurt that rips my chest open, the hurt that wouldn’t leave. It leaves a big hole that I didn’t know how to fill in.

Even if I wasn’t in the right mentality to do anything efficient, the logic in me was unforgiving of my state and demanded that I did some work to distract myself from Hyunseung. It worked because once a paint brush was within my fingertips, the artwork came to life. Before I knew it, two hours has past. The stereotypes and stupid myths about art being easy is a lie; it’s a lot harder than it looks and involves much more creativity and can’t be classified as right or wrong. Without knowing the rights or wrongs, it makes art a thousand times harder because of its subjectivity.

I hear some rustling and movement from downstairs, indicating that Doojoon’s decided to come and live here and not cooped up in his hotel room. Doojoon did say that he’s back for work and he was true to his words, except I wasn’t in the package deal. He probably lives in the hotel more than he comes here—because of work— but I don’t mind. He’s spent more than half his life looking after me, so he should have some of his back.

Walking downstairs, I see Doojoon sitting on the couch with his eyes closed. He looks asleep but he is far from sleep.

Walking up to him, I stare at his sleeping face. He looks like he aged ten years from the last time I saw him. The fatigue was having a good time eating away at his skin. “Do you want dinner? I can make you something real quick,” I tell him and he groans in response.

“When did you cook?” Doojoon inquires with one eye open and a smile teasing his lips. I roll my eyes at his insensitive remarks.

“How did you think I managed to live by myself all these years?” I ask and head to the kitchen. “I’m making instant noodles by the way with a lot of egg yolk.”

“As long as it’s edible,” Doojoon replies and stands up. “I’m going for a quick shower and then I’ll be down to eat your wonderful cooking.” I roll my eyes at his sarcastic tone.

Doojoon comes down after his shower fifteen minutes later with a towel wrap around his neck. He looks refreshed with his wet strands of hair but still, the eye-bags hang. He wears his weariness like his second skin.

“It’s still hot,” I tell him while sitting across from him. He nods and starts eating. It’s nice and peaceful with us sitting at the dinner table, eating soundlessly. It was something we never had – there were too many times when I or he had to skip dinner or eat alone. I also had to always supervise Mom when she was eating– in case she did something– and I was always on the edge and scared.

Doojoon winces and starts to fan his tongue. “It’s very hot,” he exclaims. I roll my eyes and chuckle at him.

“Don’t burn your tongue,” I warn and he gives me a mocking smile. He stares at me for a little longer and I pretend not to notice.

“At least you look somewhat alive. Your eye-bags are growing deeper and they’re red. Were you crying over your supposed boyfriend or you’re just seriously deprived of sleep?” Doojoon deduces and looks at me inquisitively. I know he didn’t think I would actually cry and meant it in a joking connotation, but for some reason, I felt insanely guilty. The guiltier I felt, the more I tried to mask it.

I smile, “No, I’m just thinking about what I’ll do after university. I still have three years left. I don’t know if I want to be a clinical therapist or work at a psychiatric hospital.” Of course I didn’t have to decide now but it was the best cover-up I can offer. Fortunately, Doojoon fell for that offer.

“I see, well don’t you have that interning stuff? You can decide then and if you want to open up a clinic, I’ll give you my full support,” Doojoon replies and I nod.

“You’re tired yourself, when is your mall going to open up?” I ask, diverting the topic away from me. He grins widely at the mere mention and I know that I’ve done a good job.

After Doojoon is done eating, he washes the dishes and pushes me to my room so I can finish homework. Late at night when I’m heading to my room with warm tea in my thermo cup, I stop by Doojoon’s room to see him asleep at his desk. Just like a few years ago when he would sleep at his desk more than on his own bed. Back then and now, there wasn’t much of a difference. Doojoon was still trying to help out the family, but what he really needs is to figure out what he wants and through that, he can help us. Some things never change.

I walk in and immediately shiver at the dropping temperature. Seeing Doojoon’s bare arms, I drape his blanket over his shoulders. I sigh at his alarm clock, signalling that he’ll be awake in an hour to do more work. I stop myself from changing the time because for Doojoon, this is work and I can’t mess it up just because of my childish needs. Stepping away from the alarm clock, I scan the room for anything that I can do to help make his life easier (even in the smallest form). I finally see the towel hanging on his arm chair. I take it and head towards his door. Before I reach the doorknob, I smile and decide to leave my cup of tea beside him so he can have it when he wakes up.

 

*~*

The next morning, Doojoon thanks me for the tea and says that he’s heading back to work. I smile and tell him to have fun, to which he would roll his eyes to. I was planning on spending the day at home to catch up on sleep when Nia and Kerin come knocking in, saying their classes cancelled or that they didn’t have work. Truthfully, I’ve been out of it these past few days and often forget the things I’ve done merely five minutes ago.

“I’m so tired,” Kerin groans and curls into a ball on the couch. Nia and I roll our eyes at her and know she’s been up all-night painting or taking care of her dogs.

“Don’t fall asleep on my couch, I have volunteering afterwards,” I awkwardly kick her leg while balancing the tray of coffee and tea cups, placing it on the table.

“I hate you,” Kerin jokes and opens her eyes to reach for the coffee. She says that, yet she still accepts the cup of coffee. Nia sighs and reaches for the tea. We have small chit-chats and I pretty much know what they’re up to. It was obvious from the moment they walked in and I decided to play the oblivious act since it’s always the easier role to play. It wasn’t much of a difference since I’ve been playing that role for the most part of my life.

Thinking back to yesterday, I found it strange. Truthfully, there wasn’t much to think of because I’ve spent most of last night pondering over the same thing. I never realized how much my relationship with Hyunseung made me depend on him— him contacting me, him reaching out to me while I just wait at home or wait for him to find me. Now when I wanted to find him, to see him, it was impossible. I don’t even know where he lives or how to contact him other than calling him. Do I really not know a lot about him?

I didn’t know that I knew so little about him until now.

“He didn’t call you at all?” Kerin asks, sitting on my couch.

“I haven’t, and I can’t call him. What do I do?” I try to look for answers from them because I certainly can’t find one.

“Nothing,” Nia says. “It’s been a week Air and nothing. I don’t think there’s anything you can do.”

I nod but I don’t take her words to heart. I know that ever since I told her about Hyunseung, her hatred towards him grew. Now she has a prejudice towards him and this prejudice is so big, it shadows her perspective and clouds her advice. I didn’t blame her because what she said was true; I just didn’t want to believe it.

Nia cringes as Kerin’s elbow connects with her side. Kerin gives her a glare but doesn’t offer any words of rebuttal; she believes that Nia’s words were right.


 

*~*

After Nia and Kerin left for work and afternoon classes, I got ready to go volunteering at the daycare. Ever since the work hours have increased and Doojoon living at home, I’ve been volunteering a lot less. I haven’t seen the kids at all this week and really miss them. In a sense, I’ve watched all of them grow up and there’s always flutters of happiness, seeing them discover the simple things in life like 2 x 2 equals 4.

Upon seeing them, they rush to me like huge tidal waves and I almost get knocked over by their enthusiasm. I laugh as I take in every single detail about them: Youngso’s hair has grown longer, Taewon has sneakers that light up with his every step and the Jin twins have new matching barrettes.

They ask me questions about work, school, life and why I didn’t visit them. I tell them that the working world has no time to breathe as my excuse. They frown and pout at my excuse but I dismiss it with even more smiles. From the corner of my eyes, I see Sangryul standing at the side. He looks uncertain, just like before, but today, he seems determined to take his stance.

After everyone rushes to the snacks on the table, I feel a tug on the hem of my sweater and I see Sangryul. I kneel down so I’m eye-level with him and smile.

“Hey Sangryul, how are you?” I ask and he nods. More responsive than before but still no words are used.

“You disappeared for a while,” he comments, “but you’re back.”

“I’m back,” I repeated. “Anything new happened?”

Sangryul’s face goes blank for a moment and there’s hesitation knitted in his brows. Finally, he speaks, “Dad’s back,” he pauses, “for a while. He didn’t talk about a business trip.”

“That’s great then.” I exclaim and this reasons out why Mae seems so relaxed lately; though she hasn’t told me anything about this, so I’d have to ask her about this later on. “I also heard from Gayoon that your mom’s been picking you up every day, you must be happy.”

“I am,” he nods, “it’s a fluttery feeling?”

I smile, “Close enough.”


When the time came for the parents to pick up their children, I see Mae waiting there. Her anxiety seems to have gotten better; she even gives me a little wave. I walk over with a grin on my face, simply happy for her.

“I didn’t know your husband came back,” is the first thing that comes out of my mouth. It catches her off-guard but she smiles widely at the mention. I see a clear blush on her face and I feel immense happiness for both Mae and Sangryul.

“He sort of came back unexpectedly,” she remarks. “I don’t know when his next trip is though.”

“It doesn’t matter, as long as he’s back.” I reply and she smiles. “So lunch sometime? You have to tell me the full story.”

“Will do, I’ll call you—” Sangryul comes walking in this moment and Mae takes his hand. She asks a simple, “How was your day?” and in response, he nods. She motions that she’s leaving and I send her off with a smile. In a way, they were becoming more and more like a family, not strangers living in the same house bounded by the laws.

I wonder if Mae found out what her husband likes to eat.

Gayoon comes up from behind and locks her arm around my neck playfully. “Ready for dinner later on? I’m paying so don’t even argue with me,” she says and I nod, knowing too well I can’t fight against Gayoon’s words.

Today, Gayoon felt like eating seafood and I was happy for a paid meal so I like seafood as well. After a while of eating and eating, I feel her eyes looking at me. I look up and give her a raise of my eyebrow in question. “What?”

“Nothing,” she says, “You seem down lately so I just wanted to see what’s up.”

I stop and think. Today’s the first day I’ve seen her since Hyunseung left and she already figured something was wrong. Was I too obvious or is she just too observant? Even Doojoon doesn’t suspect anything— but Doojoon’s half-awake by the time he sees me. This just means I have to be more careful.

“Nothing’s wrong, just too tired,” I lied and for a second, I thought she believed me. She sighs and puts her utensils down. She looks at me in the eye and I try my hardest to match her confident glaze but I was anything but confident at this moment.

“If you feel like telling me, then you can always call me,” she says and I nod.

I’m sometimes so jealous of Gayoon. She’s so confident in everything she does and when she’s wrong, she admits it with no hesitation or sugar-coated words. In a way, she is the perfect archetype for the heroines in a novel.

“I will, just not right now because I don’t know what’s happening. But don’t worry about it,” I reassure her. Gayoon unfortunately can’t multitask very well because as she’s thinking, she’s simultaneously reaches for her spoon, she accidently knocks it off the table and onto her lap. The remnants of the food are now on her skirt. She groans in frustration and excuses herself to clean it up.

While waiting for Gayoon to return from the restroom, my phone rings. I stare at my phone and knew what was coming for me. Nia.

I press ‘call’ and before I could say “Hi” she cuts me off.

“Hey Airiss,” Nia says and pauses, hesitant, “I’m sorry about this morning.”

I smile, touched at her worrying. I knew she meant every single one of her words and she’s not known for being very humble (the same goes for Kerin). I’m not mad nor was I bothered, just grateful for her care and this reflects in my speech: “It’s okay, I know your intentions were good. Thanks.”

She sighs and I hear the frustration and possible hair grabbing. “I know but I could have used better diction. I wasn’t forgiving at all towards him.”

“You’re not very reticent about your prejudice either,” I laugh, “But I don’t mind. So what’s up? You only called to apologize? You didn’t have to.”

“That’s partly the reason. My conscience’s been killing me so I thought of something that might help you. I put great emphasis on the ‘might.’”

“What is it?” I sit up in my seat, interested. At this point, I was going to accept any help I could get. I would even accept anything Hyunseung told me, even if I knew it was a lie.

Nia pauses again, waiting for me to reconsider and contemplate. I waited until she was done contemplating and she continued. “Remember, Hyunseung worked at that cafe. He most likely filled out an application and that application has his address. I don’t know if they’ll let you see it but it’s a start.”

The wheels in my head were spinning out and I finally realize what she was drawing at. “Oh my gosh, why didn’t I think of that? Thanks!” I quickly look at my watch and the cafe was almost closing. Luck was on my side since we were a considerate distance from the cafe, a little jog won’t hurt.

“Because I did,” she retorts in a brat-like voice and I roll my eyes. 

We quickly hang up and concurrently, Gayoon returned from the restroom. She gave me a strange look but I did nothing to hide my excitement. She seems relieved at the spurge of happiness but didn’t pursue the reason behind it.

“Hey Gayoon, I don’t need a ride home today. I’m going to stop by somewhere and it might take a while.” I tell her and she nods, unquestioning and understanding.

At times like this, I love Gayoon.
 

*~*

When I made sure that Gayoon was a good distance from me after parting ways, I began to quicken my pace from walking to speed-walking and eventually, to jogging. Dongwoon’s closing the store soon and I want to make it before he leaves. I don’t think I can sleep a wink tonight knowing that the chance to get a hold of Hyunseung is right there.

Finally, the cafe comes into view and I slow my pace. After not going to the gym in years, I realize that I’m out of shape but my physique is the least of my concern. I see his tall, lanky figure by the window and stop on the spot. My worries are getting the better of me: maybe it’s a bad idea, it’s closing soon, he’s tired and I’m bothering him selfishly like this. Another day won’t kill me but certainly will take a big toll on me. I ran all this way and I can’t back down now.

I take another step forward and my fingers grasp the door handle.

Maybe I’m being too selfish.

I ignore the thought and yell his name so I can’t take anything back, so I can’t turn time back and wish for another ending. Despite the fast beats of my heart, my lungs gasping for air, and my body in the biggest oxygen debt that all the air in the world can’t satisfy, I feel satisfied like I’ve accomplished something big. Dongwoon drops his broom in surprise and turns around to look at me.

“Airi, what’s wrong?” Dongwoon puts the broom aside so it’s leaning against the counter and walks over. I suddenly scorn myself for my impetuous decision – what am I thinking, coming here at this time of the night to ask for such a dumb thing.

“It may be impulsive but – well it is hasty and very sudden but I can’t help it, it’s been bothering me for a while and I can’t seem to shake it off.” I tell Dongwoon all the jumbling things running in my mind and Dongwoon’s reaching out, trying to piece them all together – trying to make sense of my words but I think he’s having difficulty.

“Airiss, slow down. What happened –” He reaches for my arm to help me walk, “Come and sit down. I’ll get some tea and you can tell me.” He steals a glance at me before he heads to the counter. I sigh and cover my face with my hands. What am I doing right now, bothering Dongwoon? I hear the cupboards opening and closing as Dongwoon makes tea.

I hear the kettle go off and this signals his return. I try to stay composed but give up the thought – why bother now that he’s already seen everything, my weakness out in the open for him to pity.

The smell of black tea fills the air and I look up from my palms to see Dongwoon placing the tea across from me. He sips his own cup and sits patiently, waiting. I thank his kindness with a smile.

“Sorry for coming so late. You’re supposed to be closing the shop right now,” I take a sip of it and he chuckles.

“Don’t worry about it, my dad is my boss’ boss so I can do whatever I want, except throw a party maybe,” he laughs and I manage to chuckle.

“The tea is good, you’re improving,” I compliment and he beams.

“Thanks,” he looks up from the tea and stares straight at me with a concern face. “Now what’s wrong?”

I look at him and know that I can trust him but I don’t want to burden him with my stories so I tell him the bare minimum – Hyunseung and I are together but suddenly, he went missing after an argument. I can’t contact him and one way to find him is through the store, the employee’s information. If I’m not authorized to see his paper then he can write it down for me; if I see it then I might be able to find him. That’s my theory and the hint that Nia was hinting at.

“Please Dongwoon, please help me,” I plead with desperation in my voice.

Dongwoon looks troubled because it is illegal to do so and if his father found out then he’d be livid. He sighs, “Airiss, I can’t let you take a picture of his application but you can look at it. Is that okay?”

I feel a huge weight lifted from my chest and I can breathe properly. “Thank you Dongwoon, thanks so much.”

“It’s no problem, it’s the most I can do.” Dongwoon smiles and heads to the back.

I heave a sigh of relief and drink some more of the tea. I try to prepare myself for when I actually see his address. What if it’s somewhere far? Unreachable and I have to drive for hours and hours to find nothing? What if it’s close by and I can walk there right now and see Hyunseung with his headphones on, whistling as if there’s nothing wrong? The thought of him not giving a care in the world for me while I can throw myself away for him scares me. The thought of being abandoned, toyed with and taken a fool of would break me into thousands of sharp shards and I wouldn’t even try to put myself together. I’d rather be broken with that knowledge and live a life trying to pretend nothing’s wrong.

I hear Dongwoon returning and I look up. He has his application in his hand and his face is unreadable. “I hope this helps,” he says as he hands me the paper.

I nod and take it from him. My eyes graze the paper and instantly, it slips from my hand as my fingers tremble. I hear Dongwoon in the background, frantically calling me. I can feel his movements as he tries to get me back but I can’t.

My lips quiver and I close my eyes, wishing I didn’t see what I did see.

The address Hyunseung wrote down was the address to my house.


 

ღ________Comments

dun DUN DUN!!!!!! this was heartbreaking to write, no lies :(( a really quick summary of this is that Airiss starts from one spot, went in one big circle to end up where she initially started. on the plus side, doojoonie is back ^~^!!!! so I hope everyone coughericough likes it.

writer's block took a bigger toll on me than I thought but it was also my senior year ing us with school work, yearbook and prom ;___; I kind of wished I knew how to say no to people when they ask me for stuff but I feel so bad afterwarsd, argh. thank you for sticking by me for so long. I try to write whenever I can but I'm so bad at time-management. I hope you're all doing well, eating well, dressing well and your health is superb <3

@Halimalikesrice to be honest, I feel the most guilty towards you for not updating for so long. I also thank you for your tremedous patience <3 hohoho, do you like the airiss and her friends interaction then? I hear they're coming back soon, right? It should be after 4minute's comeback then? right :o because they haven't came back in so long, I miss them too!

It's always so interesting to see the different reactions from this chapter ^^ I guess the title of this one, "point zero" describes her condition from the last chapter perfectly then! Thank you for your sweet comments as always, much love ~~ 

@SilentOne43 I'm surprised I got a new reader, hello lovely one~ how are you doing? n__n how did you like this chapter?