Announcement at the end, please read. Thank you. :) 

This part is written in the past. 

ღ________Chapter 13: Wrinkled Paper

The next morning Junhyung came by, I grin at him and he nods, his way of saying "Thank you." Junrin makes up - rather emotionally and Nia and I tried not to gag - and leaves within the hour after breakfast at my house. During Junhyung’s short time at my house, we all engage in a heated discussion about Hyunseung, or rather, Kerin emphasizes how much she likes Hyunseung despite only seeing him for a minute or two and Nia regrets working, missing the chance to see him. Junhyung shrugs here and there, asking for more information about Hyunseung. In the end, Nia and Junhyung demands to meet Hyunseung afterwards. I roll my eyes and agree - if I didn't, I don't think I could've left the house. As opposed to my busy morning, my lunch break was a smooth sail as I step inside the café, heading towards my usual spot. I didn’t see Dongwoon last week so hopefully his latte art will alleviate the stressful morning. 

Other than Kerin and Junhyung’s argument, I felt bad about my date with Hyunseung. I called him after Junrin left (of course with Nia pressing her ear to the phone) and he sounded disappointed about it as well but there was something about his voice that sounded happy, mischievous almost and I couldn’t quite figure out what it was.

(“Geez, can’t you be happy that he’s talking to you?” I remember Nia cooing me afterwards.)

When I slide into my seat and look at the sunlight dancing on the glass glossed table, it reminded me that today’s one of those days to enjoy the simplicity – most definitely after this chaotic week. Junhyung’s at a class, Kerin’s studying in the library, Nia and Yoseob are stuck in traffic, so reading a book to pass time is ideal. During the midst of this, a figure looms over my book. I smile and mutter loud enough for him to hear: “The usual, Dongwoon.”

“I don’t think I’m Dongwoon,” a voice whisper, perilously close to my ear causing me to shiver slightly.

Startled, my fingers’ grip loosens and the book drops on the table. I look up to find myself looking at a face I didn’t expect.

“Hyunseung?”

“You don’t recognize me?” He jokes, his eyes staring at mine. He stands straight up again, whipping out the notepad and pen. 

I laugh, “I mean, what are you doing here?” I look at him, dress in the café uniform – the white button up with the black vest drape over it, black jeans, the black apron and a black bowtie. It all made sense as to why he was happy on the phone earlier; he got a job near my university which means we’ll see each other more often – much more often. More time means more happiness.

“The uniform matches you though,” I reach out and pinch his cheeks, “You look so cute!”

“I’m glad you like it,” he smiles, grabbing my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. 

“Why are you here though? Not that I mind.”

“I’m filling in for one of the workers, Dongwoon, for two weeks.”

“What happened to him?” Dongwoon wasn’t the most graceful person on Earth nor did his fear of bugs really help him so my imagination took its toll for the worst. For two weeks though? He could simply be on vacation but he didn’t mention any of it last time.

“I’m not entirely sure but I was walking around in the area after Kerin came over and saw the hiring sign,” he said, “Now your order, miss?” 

“So, you’ve known me for a while and still don’t know my preference? I’m honestly disappointed,” I tease and he rolls his eyes, sighing.

“Come on, it’s my first day here,” he pleads, swaying our hands side to side all the while sending a worrisome glance to the back where Seulong worked. On cue, he sticks his head out, mouth open and ready to lecture.

“Hyunseung! Stop flirting with Dongwoon’s customer on the first day of work or he’ll come back butchering you,” Seulong threatened, arms flailing. A comical sight.

We both look at each other and laughed, “See, now the boss’s getting angry.”

“Seulong’s far from the boss.” I roll my eyes at Seulong. He’s the manager or second in command when it comes to this café; far from the boss.

“Airiss! I can hear you. Don’t forget that I make your drinks,” Seulong yells back, causing more riotous laughter.

Hyunseung stared at me strangely, “You’re a regular here?”

“Yeah, that’s why I said the ‘usual,’” I titled my head in question, “You didn’t know?”

I couldn’t hide the little nuance of disappointment. I thought he came here specifically for me but I guess not. I’ve been pampered by him so much that I’m starting to expect him to do it forever.

“Remember when I said that I’ll try to know you better? I thought I could come here to learn how to make latte art,” he laughs nervously and I smile at him.

I was touched by his efforts – even if they were weird with no justifications. “Let’s see if they’re as good as Dongwoon’s.”

*~*

“Come on Hyunseung, don’t be difficult,” I laugh at his ridiculous request. He shakes his head, disagreeing with me. He would cross his arms if not for the tray of food in his hands.

“Fine, then you won’t get your order,” he starts to stand up. I frown and quickly look around for any pondering eyes. To my relief, there were none, not even Seulong’s eyes.

“Wait –” I pull him down and give him a small peck on the cheek. When he stands up again, he has a satisfied smile on his face which morphs into a smirk. I resist the urge to tell him off and groan, this is going to be a long two weeks.

“Here’s your order miss,” he places it down across from me, eyeing me jokingly. I give him a little push and his eyes turn into laughing crescents. 

“It’s worth it though; the art’s not too bad.” I stare at the foam forming a heart. Yes, it’s cheesy and gag-worthy but at the same time, it’s touching and makes me like him a little bit more – just a little bit. “Don’t expect a reward every time though,” I send him a glance and he shrugs in response.

“I’ll spare you with some of your pride,” he laughs and I kick him under the table. He winches but seems to be anticipating something else, something that I don’t know about.

“Hyunseung,” I tilt my head to the side, pondering.

“Hmm?”

“You have a business degree, why don’t you work at some office instead of taking orders?”

Hyunseung looks at me nonchalantly, deep in thought for an excuse. The bubbles of anger rise again but I try to calm down. It’s not like we haven’t been through this (which led to an argument). I don’t want to ruin whatever we have right now because of this. Ultimately, he sighs. “This is the truth,” Hyunseung asserts and looks at me in the eyes, hoping to break through the anger in my eyes. “I’m technically on vacation for a year after graduation – which was last semester. I don’t want to go straight into business after I’ve been studying for years so I think a leisure job like this is perfect.”

He looks at me in the eyes, pleading that I believe him. I nod, reaching over to hold his hand. That makes sense, Hyunseung was never the type to be restricted; he likes his freedom.

“Eat.” Hyunseung smiles, gesturing to the plate in front of us .

“Are you going to sit here and watch me eat?”

“Well, I’m on my break,” he says, his chin perch on his palms. “Didn’t you want me to pay more attention to you?”

“No, I want you to eat. So eat.” I stuff the Battenberg cake in front of him and he pushes the plate back.

“It’s your order, eat.”

“No.” I slide it back to him and he takes a piece of the cake.

“I’m going to eat it all, so don’t blame me.”

I roll my eyes at him.

*~*

When I arrive at the café the next day, I see that I’m not the only one at my table. I stop dead in my track and stare at the four pair of eyes staring back at me. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Well –”

“We can’t eat here?” Yoseob interjects and Nia frowns. She doesn’t like being interrupted nor does she tolerant it, not even from her boyfriend. Yoseob offers a small smile and she lightens up.

“No but how – thanks Nia,” I stop myself mid-sentence and roll my eyes. I should have known. Telling Nia is like telling them. There are practically no secrets between us since they all share the same mind.

“We had to see him eventually,” Kerin says, looking at the menu.

“Plus, the food here is great,” Junhyung remarks, chuckling. I had the urge to throw my bag at him if not for the consequences afterwards so I result to giving him a look.

I sigh and sit across from Kerin, beside Nia. Hopefully blocking some of Nia’s view can save Hyunseung from his unfortunate interrogation.

I see Hyunseung coming out from the back and he smiles at me. I smile and the other four notice this and dart their glaze on him. “Hey Ri –”

“That’s him,” Kerin whispers and I kick her under the table. I bury my face in my palms, embarrassed. It wasn’t as if Hyunseung could hear, I mean, he was only standing a feet away.

“Hyunseung, this is Yoseob, Nia, Kerin and Junhyung,” I sigh and point to each person. They smile, nod or like Junhyung, did some salute.

“Everyone, this is Hyunseung,” I introduce and Hyunseung nods with his smile.

“So you’re Hyunseung, hello,” Nia says, looking up him and down, analyzing him.

“Cut it out,” I hiss and Hyunseung chuckles.

“It’s alright Risu,” he assures, “So can I get your orders?” He pulls the notepad from his apron pocket and looks at us. Hyunseung looks handsome in his uniform, a different type of handsome from Dongwoon but still very handsome. I don’t tell him this often or he’ll get (too) cheeky.

“I’ll take a salad and a croissant with a tall iced coffee in a grande cup with extra ice, 3 pumps hazelnut, 2 pumps classic, an inch of non-fat milk, with a dome lid and a bendy straw.” Kerin smiles. Kerin always has to have her bendy straws.

I shoot her a bewildered look. What happened to ‘latte, no milk?’

That's when I see the evil glint in their eyes and I start to pity Hyunseung, being the target of my friends' jokes.

Yoseob clears his throat and I sigh heavily. I spare Hyunseung a sympatric look but he takes it maturely and smiles to reassure me. “An egg sandwich with a grande, half white mocha, half vanilla, with two shots pour affogato, two shots of caramel, style with whipped cream and caramel drizzle cappuccino. Thank you.”

“My turn,” Nia comments and her eyes are sparkling, “A chicken salad wrap with a grande skinny, extra hot with no foam, three pumps of bittersweet mocha, three pump toffee nut latte, stirred with a mocha drizzle.”

The most complicated order so far and my head’s swirling in a pool of words trying to remember Kerin’s and Yoseob’s orders. I look at Hyunseung who was scribbling down their orders, no worry wreak his eyes.

“A venti iced latte with skim milk, three pumps of cinnamon Dolce, three pumps of caramel swirl, with foam and whip, one scoop of whey protein, well mixed with cinnamon on top,” Junhyung looks back at the menu, “And a French onion soup.”

I gawk at Junhyung who merely smirks back. They must really be curious about Hyunseung if Junhyung’s playing along with this risible joke.

“I’ll take an espresso,” I say, giving the three of them a glare, “And a cream cheese bagel.”

When Hyunseung leaves to place the order, I glare back at the smiling faces and roll my eyes. “How long did it take for you guys to memorize that?”

“A good fifteen minutes,” Yoseob shrugs, “I said thanks though.”

“Because that makes up for your monstrous orders,” I groan in frustration. “You guys aren’t any better than Doojoon.”

“It’s only because you refuse to show him to us so we had to take measures into our own hands,” Kerin remarks smartly.

“You also added your own fun to it,” I add and they all burst out laughing. These guys are the dorkiest, weirdest people I’ve ever met but, I love them.

*~*

When I walk back to the table from the washroom, I stop dead in my track and stare into the kitchen of the café. I a brow at Yoseob laughing at something Hyunseung said.

“Yoseob, why are you bothering him?” I ask, taking a step beside both of them. Hyunseung reaches out and his fingers intertwine with mine. I give it a light squeeze and Yoseob makes a gross expression.

“I think you came here to just act all lovey-dovey,” Yoseob says, staring at our hands.

“It’s not like you spare me from your lovey-dovey acts either.” I laugh and give him a light punch. “I’m here to save him from your wrath,” I tease.

“Dude, Hyunseung and I are close. We’re like brothers now,” Yoseob says and he sounds insulted at my accusation, “Right Hyunseung?”

Hyunseung nods, “Uh – yeah, close.” He jokes and I burst out laughing and Yoseob has this baffled and betrayed look on his face.

“Okay, I’ll be the smart one and leave,” Yoseob says and waves with his back facing us. He turns back brusquely and warns, “Hyunseung, don’t keep Airi for too long, okay?”

Hyunseung and I look back at each other and laugh at Yoseob’s cute comments. “Sorry about my friends and their bizarre orders, they get playful at times.”

“Don’t worry about it, I sometimes get crazier orders. Besides, they’re cute.” Hyunseung chuckles.

“Cute,” I contemplate at the word. It wasn’t the most accurate description.

“How about we go home together after your appointment?” Hyunseung suggests and I think the happiness in my eyes is apparent because he ruffles my hair. “Why are you so happy?”

“It’s because I get to see you more often,” I push his forehead, “Are you sure you’ve been in a relationship before?”

Hyunseung chuckles at his own words, “I did say we’ll get to know each other better so in a way, this works.”

“I love it. Movies next week since Kerin came last time?”

“Sounds great,” Hyunseung looks at the clock nearby, “Risu, I have to get back to work.”

“Okay, see you after my appointment.”

*~*

It seems like the points on the ceilings multiply every time I visit. There seems to be more points now, some threatening to fall off and land on my lap and some still new, you can barely see the swollen points. How many will fall and how many will stay?

“You could just look at the ceiling bluntly if you wish.” Mr. Myung interrupts my thoughts and my gaze turns back to him. It’s true that I was looking at the ceiling as far as my eyes would permit, without moving an inch of the muscles in my neck.

“It’s okay.” Despite studying psychology, these sessions are still unpredictable and that’s the marvel of it. The leeway of every word, every gesture, and the nervousness in this very moment is what makes every session special. Every session is different yet so similar.

“Today we’re going to start from the beginning, the root of where all this guilt comes from. Do you remember?”

I nod. I remember too clearly to the point of being injurious, self-mutilation almost. “It was when I first witnessed my father abusing my mother and brother. Most of the times, my dad would abuse them because he was drunk or frustrated but there was a small portion when it was because of me. They didn’t want my father to hit me so they often intervened and got hurt instead.” I cough, my voice suddenly getting more and more strained.

“I hated myself but ironically, knowing that I hated myself made me hate myself even more. I knew that I should love myself because Doojoon and my mother love me, that’s why they did that. I shouldn’t think like that. But I couldn’t control the thoughts.” I fiddle with my fingers, the paint stain from the art class still perceptible. 

“It’s good that you knew your mother and brother love you and during that time, thoughts like those aren’t surprising.” Mr. Myung comments. I nod, my social worker told me the same thing nine years ago. Nine years ago, that’s a long time.

“I know and I guess the self-hate turned into guilt because the thoughts didn’t come as frequent. Instead, I thought that I should have tried harder, maybe I should have worked to help Doojoon and the household, maybe we could have ran away. Or even if I had endured it, then the neighbours wouldn’t have called the police, my mother wouldn’t have gone into depression. The fact that I studied psychology makes me understand my thoughts, why they’re like this but I don’t know how to help myself. Would I be like this if I didn’t study psychology?” I look up and the split second before Mr. Myung looks up, I see the faintest bit of despondency furrow in his brows. I was and still am a difficult case.

“It is true that studying psychology makes your thinking more complex since you know why your thoughts process like that but it also frustrates you because you know the reason and not the solution. This may be one of your attempts to assuage the guilt. I think though, Airiss, you might have more guilt welling up for another reason. Is there another reason, Airiss?” Mr. Myung asks, staring intently at me for any response, any sign.

Hyunseung.

“Recently, I’ve told my past to a new friend and I guess that might be why.” I say, willing my voice not to shake.

“Your friend understands your past and accepts it, I assume.” Mr. Myung suggests and I nod. “You have also had psychotic episodes during the presence of this friend and this make you feel guilty even more because you don’t want to see this friend or anyone for that matter, worried about you?”

“I don’t want to see anyone worried for me.” I correct him and this time, he doesn’t hide the surprise splattered on his face. “It is a matter of self-pity to some extent but I just feel like I don’t deserve it and that I need to give back, not accept.”

“Don’t you think the suffering you felt after your father left was, in your point of view, you giving back to Doojoon and your mother? A redemption?”

“Mr. Myung, it’s not like that.” I tell him.

“Then Airiss, how is it supposed to be like?”

I look at him in the eyes again and this time, I don’t look away. I don’t know how to ‘give back’ yet but I’m certain that the suffering I felt wasn’t giving back to them, it’s the suffering I was supposed to feel. Almost like an immediate result.

“I don’t know.”

“Airiss, it’s this thinking that you aren’t deserving of people’s love that affects you. You think that you don’t deserve it but yet, you don’t know what to do to deserve it. It’s okay to accept people’s affections and it’s absolutely alright to tell your friends and family when you’re unhappy.” Mr. Myung assures and I nod every now and then, still not believing his words. They sound recited, something that I should be expecting but at the same time, I feel like he’s obligated to say it.

“I know Mr. Myung but –” but what?

Mr. Myung gives me a moment to think, sort out my thoughts. Somewhere between the lines of excuses to give him, I start shaking from the realization. The realization that I might not be at fault. A small veneer of tears fogs my vision and I open my mouth but it’s dry. “I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to know what to do Airiss and you don’t have to keep everything to yourself either.” Mr. Myung gives me a gentle smile and I see some wrinkles on his forehead. “You’re not alone.”

That’s what breaks me. I start sobbing and the layers of tears aren’t just a layer anymore but it’s a river, a flood almost. At first, I tried restraining it by balling my hand into fists and looking away but Mr. Myung says something along the lines of: “It’s okay Airiss.”

I see a tissue box beside me and hastily grab some, dabbing it at my tear-stained cheeks. After a while of incoherent sobs and feelings all scattered, I stop and look at him.

“How do you feel?” Mr. Myung asks, genuinely concern and I almost nod – a bad habit of mine whenever words aren’t sufficient enough to articulate anything.

“Calm almost.” My mind almost seems quiet from everything, it felt strange.

“You don’t cry very often, even during your psychotic episodes, but now that you did, you feel calm. What do you think is ‘calm’?”

“I feel relieved and my mind is usually really alert to any changes but right now, I don’t have any thoughts. It’s almost like I’m sleeping which is strange.”

“It’s not strange, you never experienced it before. That’s all.”

*~*

I stand outside the building, waiting for Hyunseung after the one hour session was over. It was outlandish, talking to Mr. Myung felt so normal despite for his note-taking. Sometimes, I feel like therapists aren’t human beings; they don’t hold the same emotion as we all do. Therapists must have ultimate control over their emotions, they can’t show it or it’ll stress the patients. So when they’re crying or yelling in agitation, the therapists sit and stare, giving nothing away.

I spot Hyunseung a few steps away and wave. Hyunseung mutters a “Hi” before he wraps me in a tight, bone-crushing hug, rendering me speechless. Smiling, I return the hug but my fingertips touch something cold.

I pull away and Hyunseung stares into my eyes. “I learned that hugs make people happier, so did it work?” He asks, holding my hand and we walk through the street.

“It did. People in my class hug each other before tests to ease the nervousness.” I tell him and he stares at me again with a weird look.

“You should go to these sessions more often, they make you more honest. I like that.”

“They cost money though—” I side-eyed him, “Which is why I’m working more hours now, to pay for the sessions.”

“Do you really need the money? I can give you –”

“No, it’s okay.” I assure him, “I’ve been slacking off lately since Suwon, my boss, has been on vacation, but now she’s back.”

“Now that I’m working and you’re working again, that means we won’t see each other often.” Hyunseung makes an effort to add a hint of disappointment in his voice and I smile to myself at his childish tactics but deep down, I know he's really happy that I'm trying.

“I know but we can see each other at lunch.” I offer and look around for the first time to see that we’ve wandered through the city and into a nearby park with a bright red slide.

“By the way, what’s in the bag?” I ask, eyeing the colors through the plastic bag.

“I got them while you had your talk with Mr. Myung.” Hyunseung says, holding the bag up while leading me to a park bench to sit down. I laugh when my eyes realize what they were - mini ice cream cups. There were at least six of them here.

“Hyunseung, what’s all this for?”

“It was plan B if hugging you didn’t make you happier. I’m not an expert at cheering people up but I did this all the time for my sister so I figure it might work on you. I don’t know which flavor you like so I got a bunch.” He chuckles and I feel my jaws hurting from the sudden pull to smile widely. Hyunseung really is the best.

I lean in to press my lips onto his. Sometimes, actions are louder than words and there was nothing else I could possibly say to thank him. 

“You’re the best.” I whisper in his ear after pulling back.

“It’s worth it.” He smiles, taking out a strawberry flavoured cup, handing it to me.

I shake my head, “I like vanilla but strawberry’s good.” I reach over to take it but he retracts his arm.

He smiled, “I have that.” He reaches into the bag and gives the vanilla flavoured one to me. I open the lid and find a mini spoon attached on top. I smile and taste a bit of it. It tasted cold and foreign but at the same time, so temperate.

“I haven’t had ice cream in so long,” I say, leaning back on the bench, feeling the sun’s ray on me, warming me up. 

“I’ll get you ice cream every time, after your appointment,” Hyunseung comments, “But then I’m worried that you’ll become fat. I’ll die if you hit me.”

I shoot him a menacing glare, “You don’t have to worry about me.” 

“I don’t trust you, I’ll help you by eating some of them.” He teases and I pull the bag from his hand.

“These are for me.” I reply, holding the spoon in my mouth while getting up to run away with the ice creams. He rolls his eyes while getting up, yelling that he paid for all them over my laughter.

*~*

Albeit all the laughter from before, I still felt uneasy. This uneasiness grows as Hyunseung gets up for a glass of water during the commercial break and I get up to follow him.

“Hyunseung.”

He looks back, confused at my voice. 

“I’m going to see Mr. Myung more often –” I trail off, looking at the floor for the right words.

He nods and jokes, “And I’ll pick you up every time.”

I smile dimly, “These sessions might trigger psychotic episodes,” Insomnia, screaming in the middle of the night, nightmares, trembling, hallucination, and anxiety attacks. There’s so much more to that list that Hyunseung has to deal with, all of that mess infuse in one person. I warn him through my eyes that it’s not going to be easy, that I’m going to be difficult to tolerate, that it’s okay to back down and run away. I won’t loathe him if he does. I’ll just miss him dearly.

“Then that gives me an excuse to stay with you more often, right?” Hyunseung chuckles and closes the gap between us so he could engulf me in another tight bear hug.

I will for time to stop, so my thoughts won’t be processed, so Hyunseung won’t reconsider leaving, and so I can be with him just a little bit longer – just a little bit. “Risu, you’re shaking,” he comments, pulling away and I realize that I am trembling, but from what?

I look away nervously but his hand gently brushes under my chin, forcing me to look up at him. My eyes are flickering with gainsaying of emotions – scared, worried, relief, happiness.

“I’m sorry.”

His eyes soften and he bends down so he’s eye-level with me, “I don’t want to hear you say sorry, I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

You have to start being honest to yourself Airiss.

“Today’s meeting with Mr. Myung was the first meeting when I cried. I didn’t cry when I was thirteen so I don’t know why I was crying, but it feels almost nice to let it out,” I chuckle, “I talked about Dad, Mom, Doojoon…and that made me cry even more.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“But I’m scared that if I continue like this then I’ll drive Mr. Myung away and then my psychotic episodes will get worst, eventually you’ll leave.”

“I won’t –”

“Even so, it’s not everyone leaving that scares me. It’s the guilt I’d feel.” That’s what makes it worst. I should be scared of him leaving but ultimately, the guilt is bigger. The guilt of being a burden on everyone thus causing them to suffocate and leave, it’s my fault. In the end, I still care for myself the most. I’m still self-centered. How am I alive?

“Guilt?” Hyunseung ask, surprise to even hear the word. He can’t place two and two together – how can guilt and leaving be related?

I shake my head, “I’m made of so many problems. I cause people to worry and protect me. That’s why everything got so bad on the night of my 16th birthday. I ruined everything. I know it’s not entirely my fault, I tell myself that but I have trouble accepting it. I don’t know why and it frustrates me, I don’t want to be a burden on everyone.”

“And Mr. Myung will help you accept that. It’s like being sick, you need medicine. And no, I’m not saying you’re crazy, you’re sick.” He says, adding emphasis on the last line. There’s a difference. 

Then suddenly the doorbell rings and he looks at me, “Expecting someone?”

I shake my head, “Not that I know of.” I walk to the door and stare through the peephole, and ultimately heave a big sigh – a sigh of relief? Regret? I’m not sure yet.

“Who is it?” Hyunseung ask and I sigh again with a smile prying at my lips while turning the doorknob. Hyunseung’s face is inscrutable and then automatically, he flashes a smile. “Nice to see you guys again.” 

“What brings you all here today?” I ask as Nia’s gawking at Hyunseung (again), Junhyung’s enigmatic, Kerin’s face is something between amusement and lassitude and Yoseob’s all smiles. Typical.

“A celebration on your first appointment with Mr. Myung,” Nia steps into the house, “We’ll pay for the food.”

With Nia taking the first step, it’s like the dam’s broken and all four of them are dawdling around us in the living room.

Kerin’s more interested in Hyunseung as she just stares at him, “Do you guys ever separate?” She laughs and Hyunseung chuckles. 

“I think someone’s jealous,” Hyunseung teases and Kerin rolls her eyes.

“You’ve got a long way to go in order to make me jealous buddy,” Kerin retorts and walks past him to the television and flips through the channels.

I see Junhyung heading to the fridge for a Coke can, Nia picking up a magazine and Yoseob idling around the counter. “Where’s the food?” I ask, arms cross and an eyebrow raise in question.

“Pizza or Chinese food?” Junhyung says and I laugh. Some things never change.

*~*

I plop down on the single sofa with the plate of pizza in my hands. It wasn’t anything different from our usual get-together, take-outs and games to kill time. This time, I think the game still circulates around Hyunseung but so far, he’s not doing too bad. He obviously couldn't defeat Yoseob at his video games but he tried and he's somewhat better than Junhyung anyway. After an hour, the rest of them seem attach to him, almost like when a child gets a new toy. Hopefully they won’t get bored of this new toy.

Hyunseung sits on the arm of my sofa with his pizza on the plate. He leans down to whisper in my ear: “I wanted to see you burn your kitchen today but I guess that’s not happening.”

I glare as he eats his pizza with a wide smile on his face.

“Hey Hyunseung, you know there’s space over here.” Kerin motions to the vacant seat beside Yoseob.

“Yeah, you don’t have to stay with Airi 24/7.” Yoseob smirks while arching his brow.

“We’re not going to eat you.” Nia chirps. Thankfully Junhyung stays quiet except for the amused grin on his face.

“I’m going to murder you all.” I hiss at them and this causes their smiles to grow, almost too much, blinding me. 

*~*

“What are they doing?” I stare at the figures of the three men, talking casually in my kitchen after we finished eating. Yoseob pondering on the remnants in my fridge, Junhyung leaning against the marble counter with Hyunseung sandwiched between them.

“Some guy talk.” Nia says, rolling her eyes. I avert my eyes back to the magazine on my table. Out of all of us, Junhyung and Yoseob were the more lenient ones so I trust that they won’t take anything too far to the point that Hyunseung’ll pack his bags and leave.

*~*

“So Airi’s working again.” Yoseob states, staring into space, relishing in the memories. “Doesn’t it feel like three, four years ago, when she was working too?”

Junhyung stops drinking his Coke for a bit and gives a quick glance to Hyunseung. Hyunseung tries not to give too much of his curiosity away but he thinks he’s failing.

“Yeah but hopefully she doesn’t go overboard. She’s stubborn and probably won’t listen.” Junhyung says, his voice above a whisper. “Though, she’s listening a lot more now that she’s with you.”

“A little background information would be nice.” Hyunseung says, sipping whatever’s in his glass. The male counterpart of the gang seems to be more enigmatic than the females, which should relieve him but it keeps him on his heels even more.

Yoseob speaks up. “You know what the first year of university is like: crazy and hectic. Airiss started working when her family left to go to Singapore and continued to work. Let’s just say that university wasn’t cheap and you know Airiss, she isn’t very accepting of help. So she worked more hours while studying.”

“We were worried sick for her and told her that she could borrow money from us or whatever; take a loan, but she refused to receive help and told us not to worry. I think one of us, Kerin, received a call from a hospital, saying she fainted during work. We all rushed to the hospital immediately. You know what was the first thing she told us? ‘Please don’t tell Doojoon.’ At that moment, I yelled at her for not loving herself enough and to stop thinking of others for just a second.” Junhyung chuckles, “Of course she didn’t listen and told us not to worry.”

“She’s like that.” Hyunseung steals a glance at Airiss who laughs while pointing at something in the magazine. A precious smile. “Though, I sense that you’re asking me not to let her do that again. I won’t let her, don’t worry.”

“You’re a lot more perceptive than Airiss.” Yoseob notes, “Or Airi’s just good at pretending to be dense.”

“I think it’s the former. She’s still pretty naive –”

“I noticed that.” Hyunseung laughs and catches Airiss’ glance. She tilts her head in question and Hyunseung sticks out his tongue playfully. The four of them roll their eyes at the two of them. “But she is pretty good at acting. It’s complicated.”

“She’s also very deceiving,” Junhyung starts off, “She talks a lot but if you notice, she doesn’t talk about herself at all.” They all smile knowingly.

Hyunseung nods, understanding what Junhyung’s saying. “I know, but I find that side understandable. When she opens up to you, it feels great knowing she trusts you.”

“It is. We noticed she’s been opening up a lot more now that she’s with you,” Yoseob interjects and Junhyung concurs. He’s out of Coke and heads to the fridge for more.

“She looks like she’s a lot happier now too, thanks to you,” Junhyung finishes Yoseob’s sentence off for him and Yoseob’s glaring at Junhyung. Junhyung merely shrugs at him.

“Don’t thank me,” Hyunseung stumbles with his words, “I want to see her happy as well.”

Junhyung nods, happy with his answer. “Good, keep her happy. Don’t hurt her or we’ll—”

“Murder you,” Yoseob says, laughing.

*~*

I don’t remember being so happy to wake up in the morning. The morning always meant the end to my nightmares and my self-harming thoughts, it didn’t mean the smell of soft duvet and crisp ocean mist (that was before meeting Hyunseung though.) I wake up to Hyunseung lying beside me, his almond eyes gazing at me.

“Good morning,” he kisses me lightly on the cheek, his hand fidgeting with the loose ends of my hair. Like a sun’s warmth, it was teasing and barely there but I smile nevertheless and am forever grateful.

“You know, it’s creepy waking up to you looking at me.” I laugh and he pulls me closer, my ears press against his chest, listening to the intervals between his heartbeats. It was nice, slow and peaceful.

“It’s not every day that I wake up to find you sleeping beside me.” The steady rise and fall of his chest told me that he was laughing. I can’t help but feel that it’s perfect; an epitome of perfection. But perfection isn’t meant to last forever; they’ll become a fragment of your memories that you’ll find yourself smiling at in a year, two years, a decade, a century. I don’t want it to end. I hold on tighter.

Hyunseung turned and hugged me closer. “You don’t have to hold on so tight, I’m not going anywhere.”

I close my eyes, etching the scent, the warmth, feelings of now in my mind. “We have a date today.” I divert the topic and he sighs, not pressing on the topic. 

“We do, are you kicking me out today?”

“Well, you have to work so either way you’re leaving.” I sit up, pulling his arm up to drag him off the bed. He indolently obeys, almost tripping on air as he walks out. I lie back on my bed, a smile on my face and sleeping creeping its way.

A few moments later, whether they’re seconds or hours, I feel the edge of the my bed dipping in. I open my eyes to see Hyunseung, all prim and ready to go. “I’m going to work now.”

“Have a safe trip.” I mutter, rubbing my eyes and sit up again. I open up my arms and he sweeps me into his, his chin resting on my shoulder. For a second, I didn’t want him to leave anymore. Even if I was going to see him in a few hours, this impending feeling hangs over me.

“To be honest, I don’t want you to go.” I murmur, me nuzzling closer to him. “But you have to go to work and get money to buy me things.” I release him and push the hair off his face.

“I don’t want to leave either but I’m coming back. Don’t worry.” Hyunseung leans down to kiss me lightly on the forehead and smoothes my hair a little before his fingers leave my strands and he walks out, bidding me sweet dreams of bright stars and laughing wind. 

You are going to leave and I can’t do anything but watch as you fade along with the wrinkled yellow paper.

*~*

Instead of waiting for Hyunseung to pick me up at home, I decide to come by his workplace. Lately, I find Hyunseung babying me too much because of the psychologist meetings and the little stories he would conjure up in the night just so I would sleep easier. I’m thankful to hear stories of when he was young. I learned that he was a radical kid, wanting to take one class and then getting bored of it, then proceeding to take a whole new class – which drove his parents over the edge.

Seulong puts on a mocking expression the moment he sees me. He continues to wipe the countertop and I idle around Seulong. “You look bitter to see me.”

“I’m just joking Airiss dear, and I would be happier to see you if you weren’t here for your boyfriend and were ordering something.” He jokes and I roll my eyes.

“I’m a regular, doesn’t it mean something?” I ask. “Oh yes, what happened to Dongwoon?”

Seulong heaves a heavy sigh, finishes wiping the counter and sits across from me. “Dongwoon apparently had an accident going down the stairs – I’m not surprised – so he’s unable to walk around freely. The doctor said he’d be back in another week but I’m sad to see Hyunseung leave. If I could, I would keep him.”

“Then why don’t you, if you’re second in command?”

Seulong nervously chuckles, his superior demeanor fading – his fingers tapping against the table speeds up in terms of rhythm. “Actually, Dongwoon’s father’s the boss. So technically, Dongwoon’s the boss. I’m his cousin but I have more experience, so that’s why his father made me second in command.”

This restaurant is known to be under another bigger parent chain restaurant, and the parent chain restaurant has branches litter all over the country and soon, all over the East coast. The information sunk in two heartbeats later with a gasp. “So Dongwoon’s the son of Son Ilrak?” I ask, not hiding my surprise.

“Yup, he doesn’t look like his son right? Honestly, when he breaks the plates and cups.” Seulong shakes his head and we both join in laughter.

From the back doors, I see Hyunseung emerge and a smile burst like a ray of sunshine on my face at his surprise look. He strolls over concurrently as Seulong stands up, brushing off the imaginary dirt on the hem of his shirt.

“I’ll leave you two alone.” His voice is low and he gives Hyunseung a pat on his shoulder.

I look at Hyunsenug in the eye to see the glitters again. “Should we go?”

*~*

“So do you have any movies in mind?” Hyunseung asks, eyes on the road, but there was joy behind every single one of his words. The sounds of the rush hour with the brakes and horns made me want to jump out; it’s too stuffy for my liking.

I shifted in my seat. “Anything’s fine.”

“How about I drop you in front of the theaters and I go find a parking space?” Hyunseung suggests, sensing my unease and I nod. Waving at Hyunseung as he drives away, I look around at the pulsing people. All wandering about, some determined, some lost but all wandering without much thought.

I see a book store nearby and head there when fingers vehemently latches onto me, pulling me ruthlessly to the side. There were going to be marks left behind. My head hits the stone wall and I cringe, zoning out for a bit from the pain. My blood freezes when something cold comes in contact with my neck; cold and sharp.

“Leave Jang Hyunseung.” The voice is low, deep and raspy – probably from years of smoking. The masked man catches my attention, his face mere inches from mine. Before I could utter another word of protest or question, the person puts pressure on the knife and it slides in deeper to draw blood. It’s scary how I can almost feel the notion of it leaving my body and trickling down my neck.

All the suppressed memories of back then – the abuse – come drumming back, so alive and flamboyant. The words:it’s the past, it’s all over were nothing, meant nothing. All the hours of medication, Mr. Myung’s words and everyone’s support didn’t help, did it? Not at this moment and suddenly the chance of a normal life is gone, down the drain and lost forever in the murky sewers rotting away.

“Or face the consequences.” I look up and suddenly he’s gone but not in a clean and cut manner. His knife drags down too fast and it cuts through my arm warmer. In a blink of an eye, the person dashes back into the crowd, wandering like everyone else. The knife doesn’t touch my skin but it might as well have because I felt as if my secrets were exposed to the world, my scars in an exhibit for everyone to see and this worries me.

The zipper of my bag leaves scratches as I fumble for the bandage and stick it on my neck. Panicking, my hand trembles as I pick up the arm warmer and place it on my lap. My legs lose its strength to pick myself back up and I sit there like a helpless child. I wrap my clean arm warmer around my neck. For some reason, it feels cold. There isn’t a lot of blood but I can almost feel the arm warmer getting heavier, as if the blood is seeping through the bandage and the arm warmer’s absorbing it all – though that was far from reality, very far. Taking slow breaths, I try to calm myself down with the breathing exercises I was taught.

After a few moments, I stand up and step outside, onto the sidewalk. Standing suddenly seems tedious and walking seems unsteady. I don’t want to shrivel and slip in between the cracks of the sidewalk so I flag a taxi and slip in. The driver gives me a inquisitive glance and I pretend to ignore it, giving him my address.

I hear a small vibrate and pick up my phone in a heartbeat. “Hey Risu, where are you? I thought –”

The lump in my throat suddenly all of my ability to speak. “I’m going home.” I whisper.

The surprise hits him hard and the frustration follows. “Why? Something happened, didn’t it? What is it? Tell me.”

“I don’t want to talk about it over the phone.” I bite my bottom lip. I feel the tears coming and I try to stop it from flowing.

“I’ll meet you at home.”

I nod and hang up. From the corner of my eyes, I see the driver trying to look busy, to give me some privacy and I’m thankful for that. I certainly didn’t want to break down in front of him but at this moment, when I’m desperately trying to fan myself from the tears and risk the blood by lip biting, it seems like such a hard task.

*~*

Scared, I keep my head low and my eyes steady to the ground. Fumbling with my other arm warmer, I instinctively want to throw it away but keep it safe with my nails sinking in it. Somehow, Hyunseung gets to my doorstep before me, pacing back and forth. I walk past him and tune him away when he comes up behind me with questions of concern and worry.

Opening the door, I ignore him and close it behind me. Throwing off my bag, I stalk to the couch but Hyunseung grabs me by the wrist and spins me around. “Risu, what happened – did someone hurt you?!” He asks, his eyes on the bandage. His voice getting louder with every word and my mind spins at every word.

I shake my head. “I don’t know.” I whisper, scared my voice would crack and I would cry. If I cry, I wouldn’t know if I could pull myself back together. I shrug away from him and walk to the couch, pulling my knees up to my chin.

He carries himself to the couch and I feel his eyes watching me intently. Shaking, Hyunseung sits down beside me, one hand on the curve of my neck, his thumb in smooth circles and the other one holding my hand tightly, not letting me go. His voice is soft, like it's not even there. “Love, what happened?”

I flinch at the word: love. Leave Hyunseung. The voice comes back and I shut my eyes shut. Please stop. Hyunseung’s hold on my hand turns iron. “Airiss?”

“I’m scared, I’m so scared.” I whimper and the tears flow uncontrollably. My whole body shakes with every cry and I know Hyunseung feels impotent as he could only hold my hand, whisper soothing words against my hair while planting soft kisses. But I don’t know what I could do at this moment.

The situation felt so familiar to my childhood. I felt so lost and scared, as if I didn’t know the world anymore, I didn’t know people and their nature. People felt so dangerous all of a sudden, so ambiguous and so unpredictable. I could die any minute and I wouldn’t know. I felt so vulnerable, breakable at the diminutive touch.

“Hyunseung, the man told me to leave you. What’s going on?” I ask, and immediately, his grip loosens.

“Did he say anything else?” He tries to distract me from my former question and this angers me.

“You have to tell me, Hyunseung.” I lift my head to look at him in the eyes and I see the uncertainty splatter all over his face. From his contemplating frown to his knitted eye brows.

“I – I can’t – not yet Risu, please, just give –” He stammers and I stand up, taking a few strides away from him.

“Hyunseung, if people are threatening me then I should know. How much more time do you possibly need?!” I ask, not really yelling but not calm either. Hyunseung gets up to calm me down but I step away again. I cross my arms. He looks to be suffering.

“Airiss, just wait.”

“Leave.” I mumble and I look up to meet Hyunseung’s startled eyes. There were a dissonance of emotions between us but the tension building up between us was the worst. The fright within me is taking its tool, its form of protecting me was to make the source of the fright disappear; Hyunseung.

“What?”

“Jang Hyunseung, leave.” I shout and almost feel the hot tears streaming down my cheeks. This scares him and scares me. Being scared causes me to become a different person -changes me almost- and this realization is even more frightening than it should have been. What scared me the most is seeing Hyunseung’s eyes, I can’t bear it. Turning my back to him, I quiver a bit from the tears now falling and in all honesty, I just want him to leave, I don’t want him to see me so terrified and ugly.

“Please.” He quietly begs.

“Go before I hate you.” I retort, balling my hands into fists. I counted his gentle footsteps until I heard the quiet click of the door and he was gone. I finally let myself slump to the floor; caging myself in my feelings. A few moments later, a ring resonated again. I find myself digging in my bag, getting scratched from the zipper again. I find my phone to see Nia calling. Let people care for you. Mr. Myung’s words came back and I pick up the call.

“Hey Airiss! I didn’t think you’d pick up since you’re on your date but Kerin and I were wondering, how’s it going?” Nia says, her voice too cheerful for the poignant moment.

I clear my throat and keep my voice small. “Hey guys.”

She pauses for a moment to think and fret. When she collects her thoughts, she speaks. “Is everything okay?”

I nod but I choke on my tears and start crying again. I hear Nia calling Kerin over, her voice anxious. There’s static and Kerin’s on the line, yelling (not at me), demanding to know what happened; what did Hyunseung do until Nia takes it back.

“Are you okay?” She repeats.

“I’m not okay.” I’m lost. Help me.

ღ________Comments

Announcement time ~ Here's a piece of my heart: <3! Thank you all for reading this, staying with me. It means so much. The next part is a big rant so just skip over to the last few sentences for a brief explanation. There's really no announcement but there is indeed an explanation. So after chapter 12, I planned to released this chapter no later than a month but things happened ;w; I started french classes on the weekend and on top of volunteering and school, that took up my weekend. On top of that, my friend started a scenario blog and recruited coerced me to run it with her. 

I wrote a lot of scenarios and kinda forgot about this story but the thing is - summer came and time to write, right? exam stress took over and I don't know, I lost inspiration to write. I also got a job which eats time as well. I attended summer school, dropped out because the teacher and my marks were awful. That was the first time I ever did so bad academically. That took a big toll on my confidence and everything just went down hill. For my previous chapter, I could write and write without checking it over but for the last week of july till now, I would open up the word document, write, contemplate then literally erase most of it :| I was scared and never doubted my writing before so this was a first. Even when I got on the site, I procrastinated for half an hour before clicking my story, then another fifteen minute before prettifying it here. I think it's writer's block + lack of confidence. So my updates will be slower until I can get out of this and my work place's giving me more hours and I'm sick so I'll probably be dying this week. But like I mention previously, the next chapter is 30-50% (it would be 70% but I've done more thinking and made a huge decision to change some parts of the plot so everything's a bundle of messiness :x) written out and the ideas are set, I just need to write. But that's the hardest part. I swear though, it takes a million years to update, another hundred years to edit and a decade for me to read over it and post. Again, thank you for staying so long. 

OTHER THAN THAT, OMG OMG OMG!! BEAUTIFUL NIGHT CAME OUT. I don't have a beast bias anymore (unfortunately) but I do love the six members all equally <3 I plan on getting the limited edition album soon with my own money so I'm really excited ^^ 

Okay, really long announcement. I apologized LOL. ALSO, I HAD A LOT OF FUN WRITING THE COFFEE ORDERS. ;3 Also, if you guys see my twitter, you have no idea how many times I've spazzed over you guys. You're all so precious <3 

@saraluv: Thanks for the comment! I extremely appreciate it! Well, you'll have to read the ending to find out if they stay together until the end <3 Sorry for the late update, I hope this chapter didn't diappoint you.

@Halimalikerice: You really deserve an award, you're always inspiring me to continue my fanfiction. So thank you, you don't know how much I appreciate you and your wonderful comments. So how did you think of this chapter? Hopefully you liked it and there are some hints, so I'm curious as to what your interpretations are so far. Sorry about the lack of updates but I promise to be always trying my best <3 Thank you again for the reminders and everything, you're love <3