Please note that there is this segment where it's in Kerin's POV and it switches back to Airiss' POV. Any other perspective other than Airiss' will always be in third person ^^

PS. I was trying to post this morning but I kept getting a message saying it's too long so I'm relatively pissed that I had to divide the chapter into two segment but now the msg stop appearing and my formats are all messed up ToT Sorry for the delay! 


Note: This chapter is written in the past tense 

ღ________Chapter 11: Does it Still Hurt?

“All you ever do is complain and demand stuff.” More hits, more scars and even blood. It hurts, it hurts but the words cut deeper, they leave bigger scars. I’m going to choke, I’m going to die, do you care?

“Do something productive.” are your last words before my eyelids grow heavy and I give in to them.

I’ll stop breathing, I’ll disappear, I’ll do something productive to make you happy. But would you still love me as Airiss, your princess? Your world?

“Risu?”

The amorphous cloud blurring my vision clears up and I see Hyunseung waving his hand in front of my face. The scenery comes back. I’m not in that big, secluded house with him, I’m in my house with Hyunseung.

“Are you okay?” No, I’m not.

I stare at him, the words aren’t coming. Visits to Mr. Myung don’t help; they only bring more memories – memories I can’t stop. Hyunseung looks worried, why can’t I do anything? I clench my fingers into tight fists; the pain will bring me to my senses. I’ll be okay. The pain will remind me that I’m still alive, I still have to live.

“Risu?” His hands are on my shoulders, they’re shaking me, trying to shake me back to reality. My vision gets clearer and I feel the weight of the words on my voice box. Almost there, Airiss.

“I’m okay,” I smile faintly, the flashback still in the back of my mind. I’m back to reality, I’m alive.

“I’m okay,” I repeat myself when he stops and stares at me. “I’m okay Hyunseung, I really am.”

“Risu, I had to repeat your name four times. What happen?” A lot of things.

“Nothing really, I had a flashback of today’s test and –”

The hurt in Hyunseung’s eyes stops me. He knows I’m lying. “Airiss,” he takes my hand in his. That was enough to amplify me with guilt. Four months, I’ve been ‘together’ with Hyunseung for four months. The word ‘boyfriend’ suddenly seems unfitting for Hyunseung. It relegated him, he deserved something better, a better title but there wasn’t a single one.

“I’m sorry Hyunseung, it’s...hard.” Everything coalesces into a mess and I’m struggling to find out where to even start. Is there even a starting point? There doesn’t seem to be an ending point either. The mess just piles up and gets higher and higher until I can’t see past it.

“You don’t have to say it,” he urges. I want to though.

“It’s hard, just thinking about it makes the words disappear and my mind goes blank,” I fumble with our intertwine fingers. “It’s like...” I start shaking, the trauma comes back, sending chills down my spine and I’m on the sideline watching my body of a shell. I lose myself every time and I hate it, I hate watching from the sideline, I hate this invisible barrier.

Suddenly, some force pulls me back, and I find myself within Hyunseung’s arms. “Shh, Airiss,” he coos, our hands still intertwine and his other one around my shoulder.

I close my eyes, trying to shut down reality, to engulf myself in the depths of the shadows. “It’s scary, Hyunseung. It’s really scary.”

“I know it is.”

*~*

A promise is a promise. It holds attachments and expectations that have to be met. A verbal vow one would call it. I’m bind by many of these promises; I forget promises and break them unintentionally. Even if it’s inadvertent, I still break them.

“So how are you doing today, Airiss?” Mr. Myung asks and I sit contemplative.

“I think I’m getting better,” I smile, “I still get psychotic episodes but they’re easier to control.” The faint trace of a smile is seen on Mr. Myung’s face.

“What caused the change Airiss?”

I shake my head, “I’m not sure but I feel happy about it.” Maybe it’s Hyunseung, maybe it’s the will to get better. I’m not sure yet.

“That’s good.”

Yeah, that’s very good.

*~*

Hyunseung slings an arm around my shoulder and I continue to watch the movie on television. It’s a mystery movie mix with sci-fi. It’s not the most intriguing thing but not the most boring. A good time-killer.

“Lean your head on my shoulder,” Hyunseung says and I look at him strangely.

“Why?”

“It makes me happy,” he smiles childishly and presses my head down on his shoulder with his hand.

I smile ludicrously, “What am I going to do with you?” I ask as I wrap my arms around his torso, hugging him.

“Are you sure you’ve been in a relationship before?” Hyunseung teases and I frown.

“I wouldn’t lie to you about it,” I raise two fingers, “In fact, I’ve been in two relationships.”

Hyunseung arches a brow, “I bet they were all in Kindergarten,” he laughs.

I punch him measly on the side, “I didn’t meet Junhyung in Kindergarten.”

“You went out with Junhyung? That’s –” He thinks, “Kerin’s boyfriend, right?”

I nod, “Yeah.”

I let the memories of three years ago come back. So many things happened and so many things changed; for the better or the worst, I’m not sure yet. All I knew was that Junhyung was perfect. He’s mature, considerate and astute, yet he had this maternal side that intrigue me. He’s a nice blend of my brother and mother, that’s probably why I liked him in the beginning. “What happened that made you guys break up?”

I smile, “Nothing happened and I think that was the problem. It wasn’t like we fought or anything but we knew we didn’t match. We lasted for a month, the first two weeks were good but when the third week came, we started disagreeing with each other on opinions. We both gave in to each other too much, it didn’t feel right. So we broke up the fourth week.”

Hyunseung nods.


“You know what was funny though, Hyunseung?”

Of course, he shook his head. I smiled, happy at the memories. “Before Kerin and Junhyung went out, Kerin had the most earnest expression when she arrived at my house early in the morning – she never arrives early for anything. She asked me if it was okay for her to go out with Junhyung and if I would be weirded out. It was six months after Junhyung and I broke up so I didn’t like him anymore, but I found it so cute that she would ask me beforehand. Of course, I told her it was okay. Then a week later, Junhyung was at my door in the evening, asking me for permission to date Kerin. It was the first time I’ve ever seen him so nervous and instead of feeling jealous, I felt happy for the both of them.”

“Junhyung, who are my best friends?” I ask, staring at Junhyung awkwardly, teeter-tottering from one foot to the next. He ruffled his hair, frustrated by the simple question.


“Nia and Kerin,” he responded.


I smiled. “They are but you forgot you and Yoseob.”


Junhyung’s lips quirks up, “Thanks.”


“If both of you are my best friends, then I’d be happy if you two were happy, right?”


Junhyung nods.


“Then ask her out and make all of us happy,” I say, giving Junhyung a little push out the door.


He looks back and smiles even wider, “Thanks Airiss.”



“You have really good friends – Wait, if you knew Junhyung before he went out with Kerin, then why did he need to be interrogated by you and Nia?”

“We know Junhyung as a friend, not as a boyfriend.”

“Oh.”

“Which is why they want to see you,” I look up to look Hyunseung in the eyes, “They don’t know you as a friend at all and I think it scares them.”

“Someday, okay?” Hyunseung coos and I think he felt my dejected mood.

As much as I mention it, he always dodges the topic but the argument last time always comes back to remind me why we’re here.

He takes my hands and presses his lips against them. “Thank you for being really patient with me, it means a lot.”

“I’ll soon grow impatient, Weirdo,” I flick his forehead but smile and so does he.

*~*

Our quiet movie should have flicker something in my mind, it should have but it didn’t. Something was definitely wrong when I was leading him out the door and his hands were shaking from something.

“You’ve been fidgeting all day, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” I ask, cupping his face, forcing him to look me in the eyes. His eyes were dark today and emotions fleet in and out. A big mess.

“Do you think we have ‘nothing’?” Hyunseung asks and I give him a look.

“What – Is it because of our argument last time and the Junhyung thing?”

Hyunseung nods, the disquiet apparent now. “Well, I don’t like Junhyung any more than a friend. I think you know that and I’m still pretty curious and –” I tilt my head, “Mad that you won’t say nor initiate anything.”

“Then how about we go watch a movie a week from today?” He stutters and his face turns a deep crimson as he looks me in the eyes.

Going outside with Hyunseung. A public date. Our first outdoor date. The thoughts run through my mind, exploring different realms and leaving its remnants of glee. I try to suppress the heat from spreading to my cheeks.

I smile in awe, trying to mask the excitement bubbling inside of me, “That sounds good.”

“Good night,” he kisses me softly on the lips and I smile wider into the kiss.

After he left, I was standing against the closed door in a complete panic. I’m going on a date. I’m going on a date with Hyunseung. I’m going on a date with Jang Hyunseung.


What am I going to do?

*~*

Nia’s swimming through her closet when I step out from her bathroom; my wet locks nestle on top of the towel around my neck. Track pants and a t-shirt would be sufficient for pyjamas, it’s like we haven’t seen each other at our “worst.” It’s one of our infamous sleepovers at Nia’s apartment. We see each other every day but sleepovers are different, they’re a pretext for when one of us need to talk or when there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. I think today’s problem is about Hyunseung.

“Nia, we should be sleeping soon and you’re cleaning your closet now?”

“Psh, who actually sleeps at a sleepover?” Nia says, throwing out a t-shirt, “You said you needed clothes for your date, remember?”

Kerin sits up from her lying position. Lately, she’s been tired from staying up to catch up with all the manhwa and drama releases. With her bare face, the bags are visible. “That sounds fun. Can we tag along?”

“No!” I retort and Kerin frowns.

“Come on, we’ll be subtle –”

“Yeah, it’ll be like we’re not even there,” Nia finishes her sentence and comes rushing out with a bunch of shirts. She dumps them on her bed and Kerin gives me a ‘good luck’ eye roll.

“No, you guys aren’t coming, that’s why I’m not telling you when it .” I see Nia and Kerin look at each other in disappointment and suddenly felt really dire. They’re my best friends, there are usually no secrets but I have to do this. I want them to meet him with ease, without any of these secrets lingering. “If you want, you can look atmy phone. I have a picture of us as my wallpaper,” and so does he.

“We already saw,” Kerin says, looking nonchalantly at the manhwa, bored. I stare at them with my hands on my hips, in disbelief and surprise.

“What?! You didn’t even bother to ask?” I ask, jokingly as a smile creep on their faces.

“He’s pretty though,” Nia remarks, laughing as well.

I pick up a blue tank top while sighing, “What do I wear?”

The worry was now instilled in me. First date. Hair. Makeup. Clothing. I have a week to deal with all of these problems, I don’t think they're enough.

“Well, you can choose whatever you want from here,” Nia says and motions to go to her closet to grab more clothes.

“Nia, I think there are enough clothes. If all fails, there’s always my house,” Kerin says.

“Remember the last time we tried to spy on Nia’s date with Yoseob?” I ask, toppling over on the pile of clothes , laughing.

Nia’s face darkens, “Yeah, except Kerin tripped over the stairs in the movie theatre, so my date turned into some double date plus Airi.”

A knowing smile spreads on our faces. Despite Kerin dancing for years, she doesn’t have the grace to walk up the stairs in pure darkness.

“Well, not really a double date plus Air, remember the guy that was hitting on you?” Kerin elbows me oin the side and I groan at the memory and the slight pain.

“Don’t remind me of that weirdo, he later found me online and started talking to me.” I bury my face in my palms, aghast at the memories.

They both burst into laughter and I roll my eyes. “Glad to see that my suffering brings you joy.”

Suddenly makeup comes to my mind. Should the makeup complement the outfit? Contrast it? Or should it blend in?




Kerin stares at Airiss, scrambling over to Nia’s make up box, looking at the hues of colors, contemplating – actually contemplating on what to wear. Airiss looks adorable with her jittery actions and trouble eyes. Technically, it isn’t their first date but at the same time it is. It’s confusing but that’s Airiss’ relationship with Hyunseung – confusing.

Kerin tries to stifle a laugh as Nia puts the different shades of eye shadows beside Airiss’ face. It’s almost comical, seeing them like this and many memories from high school come back. High School. What foreign words with so many strings of memories attached. She remembers Airiss’ first date with her first boyfriend – some guy from the same soccer team as Doojoon – and the exact same thing happened except they’ve grown older, wiser with experiences but still childern at heart with their feelings. It’s crazy how people in general try to gather the beauty within them and make it prettier through makeup, clothing, more thought in their hair and the reason? Love.




After another half hour of this, the lights are turned off and they’re all snuggled in their sleeping bags, chattering about Hyunseung particularly.

One thing caught Kerin’s attention though. Airiss' insecurity.

“Airiss, have you ever—” Kerin clears , “Taken off your arm warmers when you’re with Hyunseung in your house?”

I pretend to think pass the time but in reality, I already knew the answer. “No, I haven’t.”

I know Nia and Kerin wants to know why; I want to know why too. It’s not that I’m embarrass around Hyunseung but there’s this little voice telling me that he’ll leave me if I go around flinging my past. The fact that there’s this possibility, no matter how miniscule it is, scares me.

“It’s weird, right?” I ask, “I mean, him finding out about my past was essentially how we got together but I don’t want the past to be the reason why we'd break up. I don’t want us to break up.”

I find it comfortable walking around in short sleeves without my arm warmers around Junhyung and Yoseob as well. It’s an unconscious thing I do around them. If it's one of our movie days and it gets too hot, I simply take them off and stuff them in my bag. No prior thinking, no over thinking, just actions.

“He won’t leave you,” Kerin states.

“Hopefully,” I sigh. “Someday, I’ll have enough courage to show him my arms.”

I remember all of the time I spent with Hyunseung in four short months. Four months feel like a year. So many things happened in so little time.

“I think you guys can make it. You two sound like you really love each other.” Nia adds.

“Everyone loves me,” I joke, trying to lift the atmosphere from its realm of solemnity.

“I love you too,” Nia remarks.

“Same here,” Kerin says.

*~*

Browsing through the hardware store for tape, screw drivers and all sort of tools that things that could fix the damages of a thunderstorm, I dump all of them in my basket one after another. The thunderstorm wasn’t supposed to be that destructive but it’s nice knowing that you’re partially protected. After paying for the item, I walk out of the store with the bags in my hand when something flickers at the corner of my eye. That face.




“Uncle Jongshik, thank you for the present.” I peel the wrapping paper off to reveal a limited edition of a doll I always wanted. A squeal escapes my lips and he smiles, patting my head.


“Anything for you, little Airair.”



I mutter his name under my breath. “Park Jongshik.” He hasn’t change except for the extra wrinkles lining his face and the semblance of sophistication around him.

Standing in the middle of the bustling street of Seoul, I see him dispersing into it. Park Jongshik, he’s back in Korea. Why is he back? When did he come back?

The questions wander and race in my mind as I stare at his fleeing back.

“Park Jongshik.” I repeat again.

The man I loathe. The voice holds every recollected memories of him inside my mind. Thoughts of decadent revenge ran through my head. What could I do to destroy him? I continue to stare at the back of Park Jongshik’s head, wishing it could bore holes.

Then the memories following his betrayal come back. My father, my broken family, everyone leaving and loneliness. So much loneliness. I close my eyes and try to focus on my surroundings. The gray clouds, the loud and hasty footsteps and the smell of the pastry shop nearby. I need to focus on the present.

I’m not giving him a second chance to ruin things.

I open my eyes again and head home.

*~*

After getting off the bus and taking the usual path home, there was something off. It’s like I could feel someone else’s footsteps skewing with mine, throwing off the equilibrium. Someone’s on the street, following me. I look to the streetlight and realize how dark it truly is. Remembering the things my supervisor taught me in my high school leadership program, I push my hand into my pocket and quickly set the keys between my fingers. When I round this corner, I’ll do it.

I quicken my footsteps and I hear the frequency getting more thrown off. The person’s hastening their footsteps. My heart’s drumming inside of me and I feel my body shaking from the impact. How did people in movies manage to make it look so calm?

I round the corner and stop breathing for a while. I quickly spin around and lunge my key-ed fist at the person – but quickly recede my arm, sighing.

“I almost scarred you,” my hand gently caresses the side of his face, my finger brushing his cheek.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Hyunseung smiles softly and naturally wraps his arms around me, pulling me towards his chest. I close my eyes and my arms find themselves around him.

“I missed you,” he says and I nod, mentally counting the days since I’ve last seen him. It’s been five days and it’s strange because I’ve never really found it strange. I’ve been tolerating it for four months already so I’m almost used to it. It’s something that’s part of our relationship. Some days without seeing each other with a few messages here and there, then some days when Hyunseung shows up. They’re all sweet moments but the sweet moments over the time span don’t really make up for it.

I look up at him and place an amorous kiss on his lips. His hand moves to the back of my neck, pulling me closer into the kiss, deepening it. There are so many feelings in it; desperation, longing and this aching feeling.

“I missed you more than I thought I did,” he whispers, his breath lingering on my lips, his forehead press on mine.

“I missed you too,” I quickly give him another peck on his lips, “So what brings you here today?”

“There’s a thunderstorm today, I came to help if you need any.” He says, he reaches down and takes the bags from my hands. With his other hand, he takes my hand and leads me home.

*~*

The thunderstorm started an hour after we came home. It started off small and barely audible but in a matter of minutes, the wind was roaring and the rain kept drumming down on the roof. Rain. Thunder. On the day of my birthday six years ago, the rain kept going pitter-patter, pitter-patter on the top of the ambulance car. I remember it so clearly.

The pitter-patter and pitter-patter of the rain went along well with the beep, beep from the heart monitor beside me. But despite all of the sounds, I didn’t recall hearing my heartbeat in the midst of the cacophony of pitter-patter, pitter-patter, beep, beep and maybe a few sobs.

Another rumble outside interrupted my thoughts and look around for Hyunseung and see him coming towards me with a tray in his hand and two cups settle on top.

These thoughts lead back to my father. I don’t miss him – not the same kind of missing I have for Hyunseung but it’s not like I don’t think of him. How is Father doing? Is he eating well? Is it warm in there?

Then my mother comes. How is she doing? Does she talk to her therapist? Does she still fumble with the loose strings of her shirt?

If there’s Mother and Father, then Doojoon can’t be missing from the family three. Does Doojoon still play soccer or is he studying while surviving on instant food? Does he still spin his pen in the midst of his thinking?

Then Doojoon’s father, what do I call him? Is he watching us from above, worried and scared for Mom and Doojoon while hating my father with a passion?

Mentioning my complicated family, there’s the second family. Dad’s close friend, Jongshik. Why is Uncle – Jongshik back in Korea? Is the business doing well over there and he’s back to administrate the main branch in Korea or is it failing overseas and he’s trying to desperately recuperate it?

“Here, Risu.” He gives me my cup of coffee and I hold the bottom plate. Suddenly my mind gets foggy and everything looks funny. In a matter of seconds, the cup shakes and decides to spill. I wince in pain a few seconds later as the hot coffee lands on my arm. Hyunseung’s panicking again, grabbing my hand while trying to see the burn through the net patterns of my arm warmer.

I quickly draw back my arm, “It’s okay, I –”

“I’ll be back,” he runs back to the counter and I hear the refrigerator door open. He comes back with an ice pack and dabs it on my arm, over my arm warmer.

“You’ve been spacing out since we came home, what’s on your mind?” Hyunseung asks, adding pressure on the ice pack. I feel the pain being numbed from the chilly bites. I smile and hold his hand, giving it a squeeze. I’m okay, I tell him through my gestures.

“Nothing important,” I say.

“Okay.”

“Thanks,” I mumble and he shakes his head.

“It’s nothing.”

“For not taking off my arm warmers,” I say. “I know you’re probably wondering why I don’t –”

“Don’t worry about it. No matter how selfless people are, there’s always a little bit of them that they don’t want to share. I understand that and I also have some things I don’t want to share either.” He pats my head and stands up, “I’m getting another ice pack.”

I laugh, “I think one’s enough Hyunseung!”

I sit back and think back to my conversation with Nia and Kerin. Can Hyunseung make it through my cobwebbed flashbacks and intricate mind, I sometimes wonder.

I look back at Hyunseung and slowly peel off the arm warmer and put the ice pack on top of the burnt spot again. But then again, sometimes I think we can make it. There’s the faintest hope that we can and I’m clinging onto that hope with my utmost strength.

*~*

The thunderstorms and pitter-patter become my lullaby. This time, Hyunseung accompanied me, saying that I wasn’t in the right state of mind to be left alone. Truthfully, I think he’s scared of sleeping downstairs in case of a flood or something.

I turn my back to Hyunseung on the bed, mumbling something about feeling tired. I didn’t want him to see this paranoid side of me. I couldn’t deny that it was Jongshik’s fault but what could I do to stop Hyunseung from worrying? Avoidance wasn’t going to get me very far.

I tried to remember happy things before drifting off to sleep in hopes that the happiness will manifest itself into dreams, happy, smile-inducing dreams.

The only thing I could recall before I fell asleep was the thunder.

*~*

“You remind me of my daughter, Airair. You’re both so beautiful and lively.” He patted my head in a manner that made me feel warm, the only warmth I got from a family member.


“Really? You remind me of my dad, both generous and happy!”


“We’re like a family then.”




“Dad, will we ever see Uncle –”


“Don’t mention that bàstard, he betrayed us Airiss!”


I shrivel back at my dad’s loud remark. He never yelled at me before and definitely hasn’t talked about Uncle Jongshik in that way before. Doojoon rushes down from the stairs, hearing the ruckus.


“Dad, Airiss doesn’t understand. Don’t –”


A loud sound resonates and I stare wide eyed at Doojoon, a bright red hand mark on his cheek and back at my father whose hand is shaking from aggravation. Doojoon bites his lower lip, to stop the tears, to stop the confusion. I reach out and hold Doojoon’s hand, hoping to give him strength.


“You shouldn’t be talking, you’re an outsider.”


At that point, I didn’t know why Doojoon was an outsider. He’s my brother, he’s family, why would he be an outsider? But now, I know. Doojoon’s not his son. He has no relation with my father but Doojoon never cared about that and my father didn’t care until now. Why does it make a difference now?


Doojoon then led me to his room where I did my homework and he did his. At night, I decided to sleep beside him because I knew he was sad. Quietly, when he didn’t know I was awake, I hear him cry. I’ve never seen my brother so sad before and it broke my heart to see him like that.




Afterwards, Doojoon started working and Mom stopped working. I didn’t understand why back then but now I know. My father’s lash on Doojoon was only the first and if we were to escape, we needed money – something we didn’t have, so Doojoon had to work to save up money. But at the same time, he wanted to stay home to protect us from Dad.


Mom on the other hand was a sculptor – she was a really good one, everything she touched turned into artwork display in exhibits and shows – but with the abuse from my father, she stopped working. She wasn’t psychologically in the right state of mind and she stayed at home, to protect me from Dad. Now, looking at my present self, I wish I could have worked to take the load off Doojoon’s shoulders and help Mom escape from Dad earlier.




“It’s all Jongshik’s fault,” I would hear my dad mumble while downing his last glass of alcohol before reaching over for more. There’s no more in the bottle and he yells. I snap out of my phase and I recognize my name, he’s calling for me. My hands are tight on the handrail and the stairs look so scary and suddenly Mom’s rushing past me, giving me a little push back, telling me to go back to my room. There’s this tingle in my stomach, telling me to go downstairs so she wouldn’t get hurt but it was too late. I hear Dad yelling again, glass shattering, something about spoiling me too much and I freeze as I hear more sobs and sounds of skin against skin.




I sit up with a jolt, my head feeling heavy and hot. My hand goes to touch my forehead to feel heavy beads of sweat and there are tears spilling out of my eyes. I look around to try to see where I am or what’s happening but the only thing I could see is the stairway, the same stairway at my old house with the beige carpet spread over the wooden steps. This time, there’s a storm. There’s thunder and I think I see a flash of white light outside. A light jingle is heard and I inch back from the staircase. Dad’s drinking again. It’s déjà vu when my hands are grasping the handrail and I could feel some of the paint peeling off, sticking to my nails.

I see a blur move by and it’s Mom, Mom’s going downstairs. I will my hand to reach out to stop her but instead, I lose my footing and the stairs come closer and I open my mouth to shriek in fright. I feel arms around my body, holding me back from the fall but at the same time, they’re trapping me and my fear intensifies. I push away from the hands but the hold only grows tighter and I’m hearing murmurs of “come back” and “please.”

It hits me that Dad never pleaded for me, never. Just like that, my vision clears off and the stairs are gone. There are arms around me, pulling me to someone’s chest but not to trap me but to save me. I look up to see Hyunseung, the same look of panic in his eyes the first time he saw my photo album. I recognize the faint scent and turn to wrap my arms around him. He sighs in relief and runs his fingers through my hair. I’m a mess.

“Feeling better?”

I nod, my forehead still press against his shoulder. My hand slides down to hold his hand but I feel some ridges on his arms. I pull back and turn on the lamp. There are some red marks on his arms and from the looks of it, they’re recent – like five minute recent. My fingers run along the scratches and guilt overwhelms me.

“Did it hurt?” I ask and he slides my hands off his arms, holding them.

“It didn’t hurt at all,” he smiles and pulls me to lean on the headboard, “You looked like you were in more pain.” Ever so faintly and ethereally as if I would evaporate, his finger traces the scars of my arms. Even if they were almost nine years ago, everything felt so bleak, the pain felt so real.

“Does it still hurt?” He asks and I nod, chewing on my lower lip. Yes, it did hurt, it hurts very much.

It feels light, as if the burdens rolled off my chest and I could breathe again. I close my eyes, inhaling and exhaling. Taking in more reality and clearing the cloudy past. It was the first time in a long time, maybe six years that I had such a big psychotic episode, a psychotic episode that travelled from my dream to reality. I forgot how scary it felt and realize how much it worries the people around me.

“I had flashbacks of my past, except it wasn’t just my father but there was Doojoon and Mom. We were all hurting and it was more painful than the physical pain. I wanted to save Mom, to hold her back.” I tell him, finally realizing what I felt back then; the curling knot in my stomach tightens.

“But I didn’t want to get hurt and in that split second –” I gasp, “Oh my gosh, I’m selfish, I’m so selfish.” I clutch onto the hem of his shirt, wrinkling it at the horrid realization.

Hyunseung brings me closer to him and kisses the side of my head, while drawing soothing circles on my back with his hand. His subtle way of calming me. I know I’m shaking, I know I’m losing myself but the realization is something so simple, yet I never understood what it was.

“I know that it’s not my fault but sometimes, I wish I could have done something.”

He nods and looks at me straight in the eyes, “You’ve had these dreams before but it was the first time you didn’t recognize anything, did something happen today?”

My blood turns cold at the memory of today.

“Park Jongshik.” I mumble.

Hyunseung flinches at the name and raises his voice, “What did he do to you?”

I look up at him, “You’ve heard of him?

Hyunseung tenses up and his grip gets harder. He nods, “I’ve heard of him while studying business.”

“He was my father’s business partner, the one who tricked my father and stole the company from us. He caused my father to be stressed out. I loathe him.” It sounded like I wasn’t speaking at all, my words too faint for the ears to hear but Hyunseung heard it. Thoughts of depraved revenge ran through my head.

Hyunseung stares at my curled fists which were now shaking and unravels them, threading his fingers between mine. “Did you tell your therapist about this?”

I shake my head, “I’m going to in the next appointment.”

“I’m proud of you for seeking help, it’s not easy and I know that.” He presses another kiss to the side of my head and I blush under his touch.

“It’s probably only because you’re here, thank you,” I entangle my arms around him, holding him tightly.

“That just means you have to love me more,” he chuckles and I feel the rumble in his chest.

I close my eyes and smile. “I’m giving you my love right now.”

“You want to go back to sleep or listen to music?” I look up at Hyunseung’s eyes and they were telling me something else. They pleaded that I forget I ever saw Jongshik today and disregard ideas of revenge. I have to remember why I’m here.

I close my eyes and mumbled, “How about we just stay like this?”

“Sounds like a great plan,” he whispered close to my ear. I lean my head on his shoulder and faintly, in the background, I can hear him humming a sweet tune, a soothing one; it drowned out the thunder and I fell asleep with that as my lullaby.

*~*

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten –”

Boom! The roar of thunder growls across the capacious sky. So the storm is two miles away. I close my eyes and listen closely to Hyunseung’s breathing. I look at my alarm clock and it says 5:14 AM. I remember it being 4:29 before I got out of bed or was it 4:59? – I forget.

Even if it’s stormy outside with a few grumbles and flashes of light, behind the glass windows, it seems warm. The wooden floor isn’t as cold as it seems, and sitting here on the wooden floor, staring at the window doesn’t seem like the craziest thing ever. At least, not for now.

I smile as I wrap my arms around my knees, pulling it closer to me. I look back at Hyunseung’s and sigh in relief. “I think we can make it.”

*~*

“You look happy after that storm last night,” Yoseob says as I put the coffee down on the table while subsequently dumping my bag on the chair. Usually, I’m here at the table the earliest while the others stagger to come so it was a surprise to find Yoseob here the earliest.

“Do I?” I respond, sipping the coffee.

Yoseob nods, “Is it because of your date?” He adds some emphasis on the word: ‘date.’ I sigh, so he knows.

“Probably,” I tease and he rolls his eyes, sighing as well.

“You could have told me, I found out from Junhyung who found out from Kerin,” he whines and I reach over to ruffle his hair.

“I was going to tell you today –”

“You know, it doesn’t take much effort to pick up your phone and press a few buttons,” he remarks, crossing his arms.

“Then you would complain that you guys aren’t special enough to be told in person – remember the last time I wished you happy birthday over the phone and you called me heartless?” I accuse and Yoseob chuckles.

“Birthdays and dates are different, geez Airiss, get it inside your head,” he shakes his head in disappointment with his crossed arms.

“You overgrown child,” I retort, rolling my eyes but eventually burst into laughter.

“Did you just go to art class early or something, you have paint on your sleeve and big bags,” he points to the splashes of colors on my sleeve.

On instinct, I touch the skin under my eye. After seeing Park Jongshik yesterday, I spend most of yesterday night thinking about him after Hyunseung woke me up the first time. Subsequently, the past came back as well. It was almost like a package; Park Jongshik always meant that the past was bound to resurface. “Yeah, I have an art project due tomorrow.”

“Procrastination,” Yoseob tsk’d and I try to smile at him, I can’t affect his happy mood now.

“I know I know –” I look at Yoseob’s face, “There’s something under your eye.” I motion to his cheek bone and he tried to brush it off.

I shake my head, “Go to the left.”

Yoseob gets frustrated after a few fail tries, and I smudge his face with the leftover paint left on my thumb. Truthfully, there was nothing on his face but a little fun didn’t hurt, plus Yoseob was being insanely juvenile today.

Yoseob doesn’t notice and I secretly rejoice.

“Don’t embarrass yourself on your date,” a voice interjects and Junhyung comes, gaiting in with two sandwiches. Junhyung slides one across the table to Yoseob and he catches a glimpse of Yoseob’s face. Junhyung opens his mouth but I kick him under the table and slightly shake my head.

“You shouldn’t be talking Junhyung, remember –” I give Junhyung a smirk and he gets a little flustered.

He threatens, on the edge of his seat, “Hey, don’t –”

“Hey, don’t what?” Kerin interrupts with Nia trailing behind who was smiling about something.

“What happened to your hair?” I a brow at Kerin’s dishevel hair.

Nia starts laughing and Kerin rolls her eyes, “I forgot to unbuckle my seat belt while getting out of the car.”

“It was the funniest thing ever, she suddenly jerk back and – and –” Nia clutches her stomach, entering another fit of laughter before she could continue her sentence. Kerin takes the liberty of giving her a smack on the back of her head and glares.

“Yeah yeah, it’s not funny anymore,” Kerin comments.

“Did you scratch the car?” Junhyung asks humorously and we all burst out laughing this time.

“No, I didn’t,” she says and Junhyung sighs in relief. This causes more laughter, even from Kerin. These blithe lunch times are what I miss the most. Where we talk about nothing and laugh about nothing.

“So what were you talking about?” Kerin asks and Junhyung stiffens up again, and then gives me a warning glance. I ignore it and shoot him a grin.

“In the past, when I was with Junhyung at a restaurant, the waiter accidently tripped and spilled water all over him.”

Junhyung’s too mortified to remember it so he buries his face in his palm and mutters a low: “You’re dead, Air. Dead.”

“So it looked like he wet his pants,” I remark and laugh at the memories of his face and the waiter’s face.

“You never told me this,” Kerin says, turning to Junhyung with her narrowed eyes.

“You think this is worth bragging about?” He rejoins angrily.

The type of friendship when I can mention about me going out with Junhyung in the past, without Kerin being sketpical or any awkward moments between Junhyung and I – that’s a keeper.

Nia stares at Yoseob’s face for the longest time.

“Hey Yoseob, what’s that on your face?”

*~*

I wake up with a smile today. Today’s the day I have a date with Hyunseung. It seems weird almost – dating for almost four months and today’s the first formal date.

Twenty minutes or so later, I hear my phone ringing and a smile graces my lips at the caller. “Hey.”

“Are you ready for today?” I hear a chuckle and I nod.

“Yup, movies then dinner?”

“Yeah. I’m coming to pick you up so don’t be late!” he says and I roll my eyes.

“Don’t worry, I won’t.”

Then the conversation lasts for a few more minutes until I’m jumping out of bed, panicking. “Hyunseung, I have to go, I’m late – sorry!”

I hear him laughing on the other end, “You’re always like this.”

“It’s your fault for calling,” I retort, throwing the clothes in my closet around while trying to find a decent shirt to wear. “I’ll call you later, bye!”

I set the phone back on my bed and smile again. Today felt like a good day.

*~*

After school ended, I rush home to finish homework which took three hours. Then this crazy idea came to me and I went to the washroom to prepare a bubble bath. It’s been so long since I’ve played around with the bubbles and miss the ridiculous brand names like “Mr. Bubble” or “Bubble Bath World.” After stepping out of the bathtub thirty minutes later and blow drying my hair, I look at my clock and notice that there’s an hour left. Thanks to that late night talk with the girls, I manage to pick out a decent outfit which saved time – something I didn’t have a lot of. Forty five minutes before the designated time, I hear the doorbell ring and panic. I peer through the peephole to see Hyunseung and yell back, “You’re here early.”

“I know, I couldn’t wait,” I hear him smiling, “Are you going to let me in?”

“Come back in forty five minutes,” I retort, smiling. I feel so nervous just like when I first met him, when we first held hands, when we first kissed. It’s strange how after four months, the feeling’s still there, beating along with my heart, still so alive.

“Come on, I already drove around for twenty minutes already.” Hyunseung laughs, knocking again.

I stand against the door, smiling the biggest smile where my cheek muscles are sore. I felt...happy.

“I’ve seen you before you go to sleep and after you wake up, seeing you getting ready isn’t going to change anything,” he says in a joyous voice.

Suddenly I see something slip under the door and I pick up the note. In his nice handwriting, it said:

“Open up please :)”

I laugh and my hand slides to the handle, opening it. He smiles, then a tint of red is peppered on his cheeks, “For some reason, I’m really nervous.”

I look down at the floor and try to stop the smile from spreading, “I feel nervous too.”

“But it’ll be fun,” Hyunseung remarks and I nod.

“Of course. For now, you stay downstairs while I get ready upstairs.” I say, reaching for his hand and leading him to the couch. “And –”

“Make yourself at home?” He interjects and I nod.

“Yup, make yourself at home.”

*~*

Twenty minutes later, I hear Hyunseung’s footsteps on the wooden stairs. I poke my head out from the doorway, staring at Hyunseung who innocently smiles.

“I’m going to use the washroom,” he says, pointing towards it but stops in his track, “Nice outfit.”

“Thanks, now hurry up and use the washroom, then go outside.” I remark while pushing him towards the washroom.

After a minute, I hear the doorbell downstairs ring and I stop in confusion. I walk downstairs and turn the handle to see Kerin in front of my threshold, looking distressed with a handful of grocery bags.

“Hey Kerin, what’s up?” I ask and she stomps in, her heavy footsteps noted. She’s mad, very mad.

“I’m staying for the night. Nia has work but she’s coming afterwards.” Kerin turns around and tries to fake a smile while raising the grocery bags, “I also brought food.” I freeze as I see her hands faintly shake from the tacit anger.

It dawns to me what was happening, “What happened with Junhyung?”

It’s been a month and a half since they’ve started living together and in the first three weeks, there was a bunch of disagreements and discourse as both of them were obstinate and very opinionated. Today was another one of their arguments but this time, it seems serious.

Kerin heavily sighs and rolls her eyes. “He’s being difficult. He knows I love my Willy and Holly but he throws the biggest nagging fit when they chew on the pillow or pee somewhere where they’re not supposed to,” Kerin lets out a sound between a cry of frustration and pure anger.

Willy and Holly are her two dogs, her lifeline as she would call them. Junhyung was pretty fond of them but I guess living with them was a different story.

“Don’t worry, you’re just settling down. You’ll get used to it,” I give her a pat on the shoulder. “Did you bring Willy and Holly with you?”

Kerin manages to smile, “Don’t worry, I didn’t bring them.”

I heave a sigh of relief, “I wasn’t going to object if you brought them, though where are they?”

“Thanks, but I know how you’re scared of dogs, I left them at Yoseob’s,” she remarks and when she looks up, her eyes are alert, finally taking in the surrounding.

“You look prepped up today, is today your –” Her eyes grow wide, then guilt fills her eyes.

“Hey Risu, I heard you yell – oh, hi,” Hyunseung says, standing awkwardly at the bottom of the stairway. Kerin sends me a darting look and her eyes revert to Hyunseung. I grimace as I can almost see what’s happening in her complicated mind.

I sigh, it was no use hiding it now. “Hyunseung, this is Kerin. Kerin, this is Hyunseung. I’m pretty sure you two have heard enough of each other so – yeah,” I say all in one verbose breath. Kerin’s already shaking hands with Hyunseung and nodding formally with each other.

I open my mouth to speak but stop when I realize something – something atrocious. My date with Hyunseung is theoretically suppose to start in twenty minutes and Kerin’s caught in a fight with Junhyung. What do I do? But deep down, I knew I had already chosen to listen and talk to Kerin. She rarely gets livid like this and Hyunseung’s date; we can always choose another date, right?

The perplex expression must have shown because Hyunseung walks over and whispers in my ear, “Kerin needs you more than I do right now.”

“Are you sure?” I ask, looking into his eyes and he nods.

“Don’t worry, we can always reschedule.”

“You’re the best, by the way, you look really handsome today,” I comment, giving him a quick kiss on the lips.

He presses a soft kiss on my forehead and pushes the stray locks of my hair behind my ears. “You look beautiful as well.”

“Bye,” I say as Hyunseung opens the door to leave. For some reason, our fingers were still lace together but eventually we let go.

“I’ll call you in the morning, okay?” Hyunseung says and I nod.

“Drive safely.”

When I hear his car rumble to life and driving out of the driveway, I turn back to Kerin who pretended to flip through the television but she still had this contrite look on her face.

“Air, I’m so sorry for ruining your date,” she says, burying her face in knees. I jump down beside her, smiling.

“Don’t worry about that, I’d leave him if he didn’t understand.” I joke as I feel her head rest on my shoulder.

“Thanks Air.”

“Why are you thanking me Idiot,” I laugh while dragging her to the kitchen counter, “Now let’s go make something before we starve.”

“He gets full points for looks and manners,” she cunningly remarks while smirking.

An hour later, we made spaghetti which shouldn’t be hard but for two people who lacked culinary skills, it’s hard. Nia arrived shortly after the spaghetti was done and it was just us talking while trying to comfort Kerin at the same time. When I’m busy playing with my food, a thought suddenly hit me. How did I survive when I was living with Doojoon and Mom? Mom wasn’t in the right mind to do anything, let alone cook and Doojoon had no time to do anything, not even sleep because of his job, so I cooked. I remember the pan’s weight in my hand and the heat washing my face but it feels like I forgot everything.

“Don’t play with your food,” Kerin orders and I look up and softly smile.

“Hey guys –” I was going to tell them tomorrow about the Park Jongshik incident and the extra therapist appointments. Right now is a good time, “Lately...”

They both looked up and listened to every single word uttered.

When I was finished, I looked up to see their gentle smiles and timid nods. “I’m happy that you’re looking for help,” Nia says, giving me approving nods and there’s this air of satisfaction hanging onto her.

“Yeah, we’ll be here to support you.”

Having people who love you give you support in whatever you do is one of the greatest gifts in life. This overwhelming love I receive from them is so strong and I feel like it can give me strength to help me overcome my past, to help me overcome anything. I’m so grateful towards them and there’s probably nothing in the world that can ever replace this reciprocated love.

“Thanks guys,” I mutter, feeling the lump in my throat grow but Nia’s eyes are already glistening and Kerin reaches over for the tissue box sighing.

*~*

In the middle of the night, something was vibrating violently on the drawer. I maneuver my way between Nia and Kerin to reach my phone and sighed at the caller. I tiptoed downstairs to the living room and the lamp.

“Junhyung, do you know what time it is?” I ask, my voice hoarse. I stretched a bit, hoping to ease my sleepy limbs.

“Sorry, I’m not used to sleeping alone and wanted to talk,” he says, completely calm. There was no nuance of lethargy lace in his voice.

“I’m guessing you’re at Yoseob’s and he’s sleeping right now?” Kerin probably turned off her phone so even if he wanted to call her, he couldn’t so his next choice was me. Plus, I was probably the only one willing to stay up to listen to him.

He chuckles, “Yup, I had to fetch the dogs but ended up falling asleep.”

“You guys are fighting a lot more now, is everything okay?” I notice the tint of worry in my voice and settle back into the couch, it was going to be a long night.

“I think it’s just a matter of time of getting used to living together,” he replies, “Sorry about Rin. She probably ruined your date today.”

I sit up, a little surprised. I didn’t tell anyone about it today, so how? “How did you know?”

“You kept looking at your watch and you seem a little bit more –” he pauses, “Excited today with your giggles. So I figured.”

“You understand me pretty well,” I laugh, “And I wasn’t giggling that much.”

“Yeah, you were giggling when you were thanking the guy behind the counter when you got your sandwich. He started blushing, don’t mislead the poor guy,” he lectures and I hear him smiling on the other line.

“Don’t worry about that guy,” I comment, “Worry about yourself more.”

It grows silent until I fake a few coughs, “If you don’t talk, I’m going –”

“I don’t know what’s happening with Rin. We were so in love before moving in together. Then when we did, we would have these arguments and there are times when I just held back just to avoid arguing with her. I feel constraint,” Junhyung says in one breath.

I sit there and think. “You guys should sit down and plan everything out first. Set some rules and settle problems before they can arise,” I tell him.

“Will do,” his laugh causing some static, “So how are things with your boyfriend?”

“Hmm?”

“He practically lives there, no problems?” Junhyung teases.

“He visits often and stays over but it’s different from living,” I correct him and he’s probably rolling his eyes. I wonder...if Hyunseung and I lived together, would we argue as often as Junrin? Probably not, he’s pretty passive about everything and usually acquiesces with everything as long as he isn’t affected. Even if we wanted to live together, Doojoon would probably come to Korea earlier and murder Hyunseung.

“I guess, but you guys don’t argue.”

“We had one argument but other than that, we get along well,” I say cheekily.

“That’s good,” he says.

“Hey Junhyung...” I trail off, I already told Nia and Kerin so this only leaves Yoseob and Junhyung.

“Yup?”

“Today...”

After his “yes,” and ‘hmms,’ I’m done talking and he’s still listening. “I’m really happy that you told me,” he breathes out.

“I’m happy too.” It feels almost wrong if I don’t tell them something’s happening to me.

“Whatever happens, I’m here to listen, okay?”

“Thanks.

ღ________Comments

I really like this chapter because I think it reveals a bit of everything, from Airiss's past (father, relationship-wise) to her friendship to her love life and some bit of Doojoon n__n My heart broke while wearing some scenes ;A;! I hope you all enjoyed it tho ^^ 

@Halimalikesrice: I'm glad that you like the two chapters n__n!! LOL, unforunately it's going to take another few chapters to know what happened to them but I did grow hints here and there so hopefully that can guide you along the road of discovery ~  

There was this kpop concert near me but they made it on a Wednesday, a day before my test so I couldn't afford to go T__T!! Kinda sad because I heard it was amazing. Did you see 4minute and G.NA again :D? So how are you doing lately ^^?