Happy New Year to all <3 I hope all of you lovelies have the best, stay healthy and safe and full of happiness this year! Over here, tis still the 31st and the next chapter's already written and edited, just needs to be posted - which I'll be posting in another 10 hours or so :D The second half of this chapter is unedited so there may be some mistakes. Hopefully I can edit while at my grandma's house. 

Sorry, it seems a little rush as my cousin's getting married today. You can ignore the rest, it's just me ranting. Who gets married in the winter =w= And last week was crazy with two tests, two presentations, a quiz, an essay, and an biology lab report in the span of four days. LOL, I'm surpised I survived with 12 hours of sleep over those four days. And my mom just hit me in the eye while I was helping her get dress and she had perfume on it, so it's kinda swelling right now T__T Sorry for complaining so much ;A; 

Note: This chapter is written in the past tense 

ღ________Chapter 9: Avoidance

Nia has problems focusing, she might have ADD. We all tell her but she refuses to believe it and even throws stuff at us. It’s either that or anger management. Kerin has the same problem, except she accepts the fact that she can’t study for very long. It’s a wonder we all pass the high school exams with our horrible procrastination habits. So they decide to cram the night before for a test, bad idea. Nia gets distracted, Kerin takes advantage of the distraction and I’m too spaced out to register anything.

“Triple date!” Nia slams her textbook on the table. She lands on the couch, hugging the heart shaped pillow. Kerin munches on some chips and flips through the television for some dramas to watch.

“Do you like the latte art?” I ask, carrying the three cups of coffee on a tray.

“I like the one with the tree,” Nia picks up the cup.

“The one with the moon and star is better,” Kerin comments.

I pick up the last cup, with the cat art. “You’re getting better at it,” Nia says, taking a sip of her coffee. “The coffee’s good as well.”

“So you spend most of your time in the kitchen, not brewing coffee, but making art out of foam?” Kerin remarks, “But your coffee is good.”

“Hey, don’t mock art,” I laugh, “Also, I bought that latte art book for a reason.”

“It’s more like Dongwoon’s been pulling his hair out trying to teach you,” Kerin interjects.

“Stop being so negative,” I resist the urge to throw the pillow at her face in fear of spilling coffee everywhere – it’s hard to wash off coffee stains.

“Hey Airiss, I just notice something...” Nia quirks.

“Hmm?”

“You’re good at dodging topics,” she smiles.

I laugh, “How so?”

“I just said ‘triple date,’ then you steer the topic away with your latte art,” Nia says, hands rubbing her chin in fascination.

“She’s right, that was a sly move,” Kerin comments.

I feel the heat rushing to my face. Nothing can go pass their sneaky eyes, especially since we’ve been friends for years. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Too bad you’re blushing madly right now, if not then I would have believed you,” Kerin flips through the pages of her textbook, something about the neuron movements in the brain.

“So, this guy...Hyunseung, right?” I nod at Nia, “We can go on a triple date, then he can join us when we’re shopping and then...” she rambles off on this particular topic as Kerin shrugs and I roll my eyes.

“Anyway, the point is – we want to meet him,” Kerin sums it up.

“Yeah.”

I smile, grateful at their maternal instincts. They want to see Hyunseung to make sure he’s an okay guy, that he’s not some homicidal serial killer. I understand that and Kerin and Nia went through the same time when they first met Junhyung and Yoseob. Junhyung automatically got our approval the minute we walk through the door and he started nagging about how we should take off our shoes. Yoseob didn’t take long because he ended up being Nia’s neighbour and we started seeing him more and more often, until we unconsciously approve of him. Now it’s my turn.

“I’ll ask him when I see him later on,” I chirp.

“Not today though, we’re sleeping over,” Nia starts scribbling something that passes as her penmanship. 

“Alright, so where did you guys go so far?” Kerin asks.

I tilt my head, “Hmm?”

“Like places and stuff.”

“Oh,” I thought long and hard. Places consisted of the beach, the supermarket and my house. “There’s the beach, my house and one time, at a supermarket.”

“That’s it?” Nia asks, sitting up with the textbook on top of her face, defeated.

I nod and both of them shake their head in disbelief. “No movies, amusement parks or...anywhere else?”

I shake my head. Extravagant dates never cross my mind. As long as I’m with Hyunseung and we’re happy, then it’s good. Happiness is what matters, right?

“Isn’t it strange though?” Nia asks, her curiosity getting the better of her. I shake my head again.

“I’m not really bothered by it,” I shrug.

“He doesn’t bring it up though?” Kerin interjects again.

“No, I don’t think it ever cross his mind either.”

“That’s strange,” is all Nia says before diligently doing her homework again.

*~*

I fiddle with my phone. I’ve had about six missed calls, all international calls. It’s been exactly two months since she’s called, so it was only a matter ofwhen, not if. I prepared myself mentally for this.


The line started up, short dials, then someone picked up. “CHAE AIRISS, YOU STILL HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL?”

I chuckle nervously, “Hi Grandma.”

“So you still remember who I am? That’s a miracle,” she teased but she was still mad.

“Sorry about everything, school’s been busy and I –” Should I mention Hyunseung?

“I what?”

“I’ve been tired lately so I’ve been sleeping more than usual,” I lied and laughed. It’s better not to mention him, I’ll wait until we’re ready but when are we ready? 

Grandma chuckles, “As long as you’re still healthy, then it’s okay. But don’t do that again, okay? Doojoon was going to jump on a plane to see what's wrong.”

I laugh, missing everyone over there. It’s been two years since I’ve seen everyone – video calls don’t count. “How is everyone over there?”

“Everyone’s doing well. My yoga classes are doing my back good, your grandpa’s taken interest in Chinese checkers, and your brother’s job at this company is doing well. So in all, this is our family’s golden year.”

“Mom? What about her?” I sigh and fall back in my chair. Even after all these years, Grandma still can’t talk about Mom. 

“Your mom’s progressing well, she’s almost living a normal life,” Grandma says, solemn.

“That’s good.” Do they mention me in front of her? Can they mention me?

“How are you doing?”

“Four years left of university, that isn’t too long, right?” I joke, twirling the end locks of my hair. It’s grown so long.

“Airiss, you know that’s not what I meant.”

I sigh. She’s my grandma after all. “I think I’m doing well, I haven’t visited my psychologist for a while.” It’s been one year? Two years? It's been a while since I’ve last seen Mr. Myung. The dreams have mostly stopped, the breakdowns are less frequent, everything’s almost normal – almost, but not yet normal. 

“You should still meet him once in a while, even if you’re okay, just to talk.”

“I’ll go sometime this week,” I nod. Mr. Myung, it’s been so long since I’ve last seen him.

“You’re strong Airiss,” Grandma says with so much pride in her voice that I suddenly feel burdened. I am strong, I am strong, I am strong, I think to myself. 

“Thanks Grandma,” I look at the time and it’s already been 20 minutes. Oh, how the time flies and how high the phone bills will be, but who cares. 

“Airiss, Doojoon’s been bugging me this whole time to talk to you so I’m passing the phone to him,” Grandma grumbles but ends in a soft chuckle.

I hear some static and some shuffling before laughter resonates at the end of the line, “Yo loser.”

I smile, “You didn’t have to miss me so much.”

“Grandma’s just fluffing the truth to make you feel better,” Doojoon tsk’d and I can tell that he’s smirking.

“So how are you?”

“The company’s treating me well; they’re giving me so many opportunities,” he laughs, “How about you?”

Flashbacks of Doojoon’s graduation last year comes back. He looked so happy in his robe, holding the bouquet of flowers. I don’t recall him being so happy in so long, it was worth two weeks' worth of my pay check to see his happiness.

“Life’s good, I like it.”

“So did you meet anyone –”

“So did you meet anyone?”

We both stop talking and just laugh. “I ask first,” I said.

“No, I did,” Doojoon retorts.

I roll my eyes, “Did you meet anyone? There, I ask first.”

Doojoon laughs then sighs, “Fine. No, I didn’t meet anyone yet.”

“Liar.”

“I’ll be the mature one and ignore you, how about you?”

“...It’s a surprise,” I joke. I don’t know why, but I'm scared to talk to him about Hyunseung. I don’t want to tell Doojoon yet, until everything’s settled because knowing Doojoon, he’s going to be jumping on the plane back to Korea if he knew.

“Wait – are you serious Airiss?” Doojoon exclaims and I laugh.

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Come here and I’ll tell you,” I laugh some more and Doojoon grows frustrated.

“I’ll find out soon, it’s only a matter of when,” he says, all calm and composed again.

The talk lasts for another half an hour or so, filled with laughter and bickering. I know I’ll be weeping over the phone bill but it doesn't matter, not at this moment.

*~*

“Hyunseung, tell me about your family,” I say, sitting still while Hyunseung’s face is perplexed with frustration and determination – a little bit of failure. The wind was colder today and my fingers felt like they’ll fall off.

“Don’t move Risu, I’m almost done.”

“I’m tired and you at drawing, so why do you want to draw me all of a sudden?” I ask, inching back to my original pose. The pencil in his hand still clutch tightly between his fingers.

“Shhhh,” he brings his finger to his lips. I look at the ocean, it seem darker today and light gleam from the moonlight contrasts greatly.

“So, your family.”

“Hmm,” he exhales a long pensive sigh, “I have a younger sister, a mother, a father and a loving girlfriend.” He smiles

My cheeks grow warm and hands ball into tight fists, “Seriously Hyunseung.”

He stares at me curiously and I burst out laughing. So secretly, I did like the last portion of his family. He smiles, “I grew up in Korea for most of my life up until my high school days. My parents and I get along fairly well, not the closest most families are, but I’m happy with them."

I nod, “Why though? Why isn’t your family close?”

Hyunseung stares at me, curious. “Why are you delving about my childhood today?”

I flinch. Nia and Kerin’s conversation the other day has somewhat bothered me, leaving me with questions about Hyunseung and who he really is. It’s strange that I don’t know much about him other than he has a younger sister who’s studying in England about business administration, has a business master due to studying in school nonstop without any summer or winter breaks, has two parents, and has a weird quirky personality. There’s more but in terms of his context, I don’t know anything.

“My parents wanted me to do something and I wanted to do something else. I ended up listening to them but I was never that happy,” he shrugs, the pencil still dancing across the page.

“What do you like then?”

“Photography, dancing even. Not business administration.” I nod, understanding him, “Can I meet your parents someday?”

Hyunseung drops his pencil and looks up, baffled. “What?? – Airiss, don’t you think –”

“Hyunseung, calm down. I just want to meet them, get to know more about you,” I smile and he chuckles.

“You could just ask.”

“You always avert the direction away,” I glare at him and he smiles, hoping to assuage the anger.

“Sorry, I was hoping to tell you when everything’s more settled.”

More settled. I smiled, the same reason I didn’t tell Doojoon a while back. “It wouldn’t hurt to tell me where you live either.”

His brows furrow, “It’s rather messy today, another time, okay?”

I stared at him, “When is another time?”

“Soon Risu, soon.”

“But –”

My phone ringing caught me off and I give him an apologetic look. He smiles softly and mouths an: “It’s okay, go.”

I stand up and pick up the phone. “Hello?”

“Miss Chae, this is a call from Mr. Myung’s office reminding you about your appointment tomorrow at 3:30.”

“Thank you Mrs. Lee, I’ll be there.”

I turn around to see Hyunseung standing behind me. “What was that about?”

“A meeting with my old therapist,” I shrug and he softens a bit.

“Have fun,” he reaches out for my hand and leads me back to the usual spot.

“I’ll try,” I force a smile. Mr. Myung’s a nice man but every time I see him, I feel like a crazy patient. I don’t want to feel like a patient, someone who’s sick and this frustrates me.

He pokes my cheeks, “Cheer up, this picture will help.”

I unroll the picture and laugh, “Hyunseung, it’s a good thing you’re a business major rather than an art major.”

He smirks, “I take pride in my artwork, thank you very much.”

“Well, your art .” I kept the ‘portrait’ of me that Hyunseung drew, tucked away in my sketchbook for memory’s sake.

*~*

It’s been almost a year since I’ve been a volunteer at the daycare. Initially, I wasn’t going to stay for so long, the plan was to get comfortable with kids since they’re going to be the ones I’m seeing when I’m an art therapist but they have this charm that allures you. This happen to me and I didn’t have the heart to ask Gayoon to quit the position.

“Airiss, Baekwon took my pencil,” Hajin, one of the children says. I stare at Hajin and Soojin, the twins of the daycare.

I smile, and hold both of their hands. “Let’s go to Baekwon.”

When the pencil catastrophe with Baekwon and Jin twins is solve, I head to the office to photocopy some activity sheets for them. The office woman greets me, “Hello Airiss.”

“Hello Mrs. Chang.”

“Airiss, you’ve been coming here so diligently. Maybe you should consider switching to a daycare teacher instead of an art therapist,” she chuckles and I smile, pressing the button on the photocopier.

“It’s been a fun year, Mrs. Chang.”

*~*

After the two hours and a half is up, all the kids bid goodbye to us except Sangryul. It’s expected but I had some hope in Mae after the last meeting.

“Sangryul!” a voice calls out and Sangryul and I both look up to see Mae standing in front of the daycare.

I feel my face soften into a smile, “Mae, you came.”

Mae smiles, “If this makes Sangryul happy, then I’m willing to try,” her hand tighten around the arm of her handbag.

Sangryul looks up, a bit too fast and it gives away his eagerness. “Mom...”

“Sangryul, let’s go home,” Mae says and reaches for his hand. He nods and looks back at me. I smile and wave at him.

*~*

I stand in front of the office and all of these nostalgic thoughts come rushing back. It's been two years and I find myself back here again. In the past four years, the visits were all: “How are you feeling?” “Do you still have triggers?” Longer than four years and it was: “How often are the nightmares?” “How long are your psychosis episodes?”

The jingles I hear after the front door hits the bells welcomes me back. I approach the desk and Mrs. Lee looks up and grins, “Airiss, it’s been a while since I’ve last seen you. It’s a good thing though,” she laughs, clicking away on her mouse, “You’re a bit early.”

“I can wait, how are you doing Mrs. Lee?”

“I’m doing well, Airiss. How’s your family in Singapore?”

It was uncomfortable how she knew my situation so well yet it was comforting at the same time. “They’re going good, thank you.”

*~*

“Airiss, it’s been a while.” Mr. Myung gives me a pat on my back and I notice how the wrinkles lining his forehead is increasing and the white hair spread across his head like a wildfire. 

“It has, Mr. Myung.”

“Here, come sit,” his hand welcomes me to the black leather chaise longue. When my head lays against it, the cold texture of the leather comforts me, welcoming me after four years of resting against it every week.

“Airiss, I know I’ve told you this a thousand times but don’t treat this as some session to diagnose you. As someone who watched you grow up, I want the best for you. Treat me as an uncle, okay? So how are you doing?”

“Thanks Mr. Myung. Lately, the dreams have cease to the point of being nonexistent. It’s nice. My recovery time from triggers has shortened and the number of triggers has as well. I feel like I can live an almost normal life.”

“What the triggers?”

“It’s the same, the family album, things that recall past memories. I still zone into psychotic episodes though,” my hand grab at the hem of the arm warmers, tightening the grip.

“Your arm warmers, are those for a fashion statement or to cover the scars? Do you feel embarrass by your past?”

I shake my head, “Rather than being embarrass, I don’t want people to ask about it. I don’t want their pity because I’m not pitiful.”

Mr. Myung smiles, “What if they’re genuinely worried about you though and not pitying you?”

“They all pity me, I don’t like it.” I stare at the intricate designs of his wooden desk, all carve with care and delicacy that’s hard to find these days.

“Sometimes it’s okay to have people ask because it’s not all pity, just like how you care for other people.”

I contemplate my response, he was right in some degree. “I guess that’s okay.”

His fingers intertwine with each other and sit neatly on top of his desk, “So Airiss, how long do your psychotic episodes last for? And when was the last one?”

I think, pensive for a while. “My psychotic episodes last for around a few minutes, never exceeding five minutes. It’s just flashbacks and it’s like I return back to the days when I was thirteen year. It’s scary almost,” I choke out, my throat suddenly dry. “It’s been at least a month since I’ve had my last one.”

“Flashbacks are common and it’s good that the lengths of these psychotic episodes are shorter. Do you find it hard to control though – like, to return back to your senses, do you find that difficult?”

“Generally it is. The best way to bring me back is to tug on my arm warmers, I think it links back to not wanting people to pity me.”

Mr. Myung nods his head and jots down some notes. “Is it hard to talk about your past?”

“When it could be avoided, I’d rather not talk about it,” I shrug.

This awkward talk continues for another twenty minutes, marking thirty minutes. It’s his job to ask me about these things, to help ease my psychological conflicts but I found myself shaking, nervous even at his questions. It was like I was so used to these problems that they never bothered me until now when I'm forced to confront them.

*~*

“Thank you, Mrs. Lee, I’ll be leaving now,” I bow my head slightly at her.

“It’s nice seeing you again, Airiss.”

“Airiss, it seems as if you’re still struggling with the past. It’ll be best if you could contact your mother more or if you could stop by my office more often."

It translated to: “Airiss, you still have problems. Come see me to solve it.”

I have problems.

*~*

Standing outside the building, my eyes scan to try to find the bus stop until I feel a light tap on my shoulder.

“Gina?”

She smiles, her eyes turning into crescents. “Hi Airiss, how have you been?”

Gina was the president of Doojoon and my high school when I first came as a freshman. Doojoon and her were pretty close despite Doojoon being a year younger. I thought they were dating until Doojoon told my sternly that there was nothing between them and that they are best friends. They still talk because I would hear Doojoon mention her here and there in our conversations.

“I’m doing good Gina. Thanks,” I look at her and notice that she’s barely changed at all, “How are you?”

“I’m doing great, how about we go for coffee?”

“Sure,” and I follow Gina as she leads the way.

We talk about Doojoon, shopping and just general stuff like life. “Your brother’s graduated, eh?”

I laugh, “Yeah, it’s been so long.”

There was this glint in her eyes like she knew something but didn’t want to tell me. I didn’t pursue it but the curiosity knocked on the doors of my brain from time to time. “It’s crazy thinking it’s been five years since Ive all graduated, we should do a meet up – Airiss?”

Is that Hyunseung?

I stare at the lean male figure manoeuvring his way through the crowd, a beanie settle on his head but I could tell it was him. I consider going outside and calling him but he was too quick.

“Airiss? Hello?” Gina waves her hand in front of me.

I smile, “Sorry Gina. A meet up would be great.”

“Are you okay? You look lost there,” she said, concerned. She – like Doojoon – is overprotective and I guess because she’s a psychologist that she notices these small details. I feel warm at her concern; she’s exactly the older sister I’ve always wanted. As much as I love Doojoon, there were always certain things I can’t tell him like I would if I had an older sister.

I shake my head, “No, I thought I saw a friend, that’s all.”

*~*

When Hyunseung comes knocking on my door again in the evening, I stare at him sceptically from the kitchen counter. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him but there are some things I didn’t know. “Hyunseung, where were you today?” I ask and he stares at me, questioning.

“It seems like you’ve been curious lately,” he states, sinking into the couch. His eyes are closed, he seems tired today but from what?

I give him the unpleased look and he sighs. “I didn’t do much, stayed in my room. Read a book.”

“Oh, I thought I saw you today downtown,” I shrug. So it wasn’t him. “But, don’t you have a job?”

“I’ve decided to take a little break before plunging straight into the paperwork,” he says.

“Where are you thinking of working?” I ask and he looks at me again, a little annoyed.

“Airiss, do we seriously have to talk about this?”

“We wouldn’t if I knew all of it already,” I reply rather bitterly but I don’t regret it.

“Another time –”

“You always say another time but there is no ‘another time.’”

He rolls his eyes, “You’re being difficult.”

“I’m not, you’re being secretive,” I retort and sigh heavily. It felt awful; it felt awful to be arguing with Hyunseung. I didn’t know it’d feel so aching but it did. We both stared at each other for a while, both unwilling to give in.

My house phone ringing cuts through the scary silence and I strut over to pick it up, giving him a little glare.

“Hello?”

There was no reply, only breathing. I peer at the caller. An international caller and I recognize the number. It’s from Singapore and I only have my family over there.

“Hello?” and I listen closely to hear the tenuous breathing. Someone’s on the other line and it strikes me. Mom.

Mom. It’s been almost six years since I’ve last had a decent conversation with her. I wonder how she’s doing? If she misses me? If she wants to see me? “Mom?”

The water works happen as I hear quiet sobs faintly on the other end. I swallow, trying to bypass the growing lump on my throat. The copious intakes of breath and the quiet sobs fill in the void of silence and my fingers tighten around the phone, my nails breaking from the force. The memories of six years ago come back. The pain, the burning balls of pain, the blood. So much blood. Then the abuse, the belt, the cries. Everything comes gushing back, drowning me. The contrite heard in the eerie silence hurt both of us. The unspoken words draw fine lines of destruction in our relationship.

The tears flow incessantly down my cheeks and it’s so overwhelming. I feel Hyunseung rush to my side, as if the argument five minutes ago didn’t happen. “Airiss, what’s wrong?” He exclaims but my grip on the phone tightens.

“Mom, I miss you. I miss you so much.” The line goes dead and I hang up, breaking down completely. Hyunseung hugs me, “Shhh Airiss.”

“I miss her so much,” I cry in-between the sobs and his hold on me tautens. 

How did my relationship with mom turn so bad?

*~*

I wake up the next day and jolt a little to find Hyunseung beside me. I sit up and look around, noticing that it’s my room. My gaze lands briefly on the alarm clock. 5:26 AM.

Hyunseung notices the shuffling beside him and his eyes flutter open. “Hey you,” he sits up.

“Thanks for staying with me the entire night,” I whisper, my fingers digging half crescents into my palms.

“You cried until you were tired and fell asleep. You didn’t want to let go so I ended up sleeping here,” his hand holds mine but my hands receded.

“I’m sorry.” For arguing with you, for being suspicious, for being so weak, for everything. I’m sorry.

“Airiss...”

“I’m sorry.”

“Airiss, look at me.” I shake my head. I still have ‘problems,’ mom called; I couldn’t talk to her, I can’t do anything right. Maybe Dad’s words were right, maybe if I am a mistake, my purpose to wreak havoc.

Suddenly Hyunseung’s hands cup my face, forcing me to look at him. “Stop apologizing, it’s not your fault.”

“It is, Hyunseung. I’m sorry for arguing with you, I’m –”

“Stop.” He sighs but cradles me into his arm, “It’s not your fault, stop blaming yourself.”

“What if my Dad’s words –”

“They’re not true, don’t believe them,” he hums, his chin on top of my head. I nod, believing him.

After a while, Hyunseung looks at me again and I stare into his eyes. “Feeling better?”

I nod, grateful. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me silly,” he ruffles my hair, “Catch some sleep.”

As I stare at Hyunseung, the underlying question continues to pry, knocking on my brain walls fervently.

Who are you?

ღ________Comments

Ás you can see, this chapter is more dialogue-based rather than the usual event/feeling based (does that make sense?). I'm going to try a variety of styles to try to convey the story so hopefully you guys can give me your input as to what writing style you think is the best ^^ Replies will be made in the next chapter! Happy New Year again and thanks for reading!!