The good thing about the three month wait is that I got all my chapters sorted out (what I want to happen, what should happen). I also wrote out a bunch of potential scenes that I would like to use for future reference and finally knew where to put each so now that I'm a lot more organize, the chapters will be coming out faster! :D I hope you enjoy this chapter n__n! 


Note: This chapter is written in the present tense 

ღ________Chapter 12: Lingering, Forgotten and Burning Words

Areyouokay? Areyouhurt? They’re not three words to me; they’re jumbled up letters from people’s sympathy/pity towards a subject. I don’t need pity, I don’t want sympathy. I dislike it when people comfort me, asking me: “Are you okay, Airiss?” That doesn’t assuage the hurt, the pain, it languishes me, it bolsters the tears. 

When I’m alone, I can truly cry. I can cry with no pressure, with no voicea whispering: “People are looking, stop crying, look okay.” I can cry until I choke and have to gasp for air, until my whole body aches from the unhealthy ounce of despair that has taken over.

I want to cry when Hyunseung left, I want to cry but I couldn’t. You chose this path, you knew this would happen, you don’t deserve to remorse in it. The anguish took another form and it was insomnia. When I couldn’t cry, I would stare into the ceiling, trying to figure out the picture, the hidden message but there weren’t any. Just points on a ceiling. When I could cry though, I was lucky that day. Doojoon wasn’t home and I was sketching until tears splash the page, smudging the fine lines, a big blur overcast my vision and I couldn’t stop it. The pain hurts so much, my hands, my arms, everything felt so cold as if blood stopped flowing, as if I stopped living. The heavy burden collapses my lungs and I find it so hard to breathe, every breath turning into muffle, grotesque cries.

“Airiss?”

I look at Nia through weary eyes. Her expression crumbles and she opens her arms. I run into them, letting the walls fall. “Is it okay to miss him?”

“It’s okay.”

(But you shouldn’t.)

*~*

“Why did you announce your relationship with Airiss at the party?” Jihyun ask, one leg over the other, hands folded neatly together on her lap (what Doojoon doesn’t see is how white her knuckles are turning, trying to control her anger).

Doojoon looks at her, her confusion mask behind her stern face. “Jihyun, I met my dad.”

Jihyun’s white knuckles turn pink again and she relaxes a bit. She knows which dad Doojoon’s referring to. Doojoon’s biological father died within a year of his birth due to an accident, but he doesn’t mind talking about him since he ‘never knew him.’ He would correct her over and over again that Airiss’ dad is his dad.

“What happened?” She feels herself edging closer to him, she wanted to know.

“I wasn’t angry, I felt happy,” he chuckles bitterly. “I invited him to a restaurant nearby and we talked.”

Talking simply didn’t cut it for Nam Jihyun and Doojoon knew that. “He saw the magazine article about me being in a relationship with Airiss and then the clarification saying that the article was false and how it never revealed our true relationship.”

People in this world either suffer from lack of life or abundance. Doojoon suffers from the abundance of life – from his childhood growing up to the man he is today. Who would have expected that the soccer-loving maniac would become an omnipotent and influential person he is today? Jihyun didn’t expect it but she saw his potential the day they shook hands.

“He asked me to give her a title.” Doojoon sighs, in relief. A title.

Jihyun didn’t understand the meaning of titles – they carry so much ambiguity. Titles (in her opinion) are word(s) that describes the person in the world’s eyes. What they mean to the world, their worth. A person can yield many titles therefore carrying different identities. “I know you’re probably more confused.”

“I am,” Jihyun chuckles, “But do continue.”

“Airiss, you know her past as well. She grew up in a loving family, proud to be her parents’ daughter, proud to be my sister. A proud and happy child until my dad disappeared behind the bars. When that happened, she sort of lost her title as my parents’ daughter, and my little sister.”

Jihyun still didn’t understand. Is it that easy to lose a title?

“My surname’s Yoon and her’s is Chae. When people hear them, no one would think we’re siblings. When Airiss came to my high school, it proved it. Airiss never mentioned who our parents are, what happened to them, only smiled and said that she doesn’t contact them often. It was a sad smile whereas I would say that my mom lives overseas and my dad passed away. It was a big difference.”

“She felt like an orphan, even with me right there. It was almost no different than saying that she had no parents. Our dad wasn’t there, and she couldn’t mention our mother without feeling regretful and like a sin. My dad asks that I give her a title because he knows how Airiss feels.”

Jihyun’s hands unravel, fidgeting to draw a clear conclusion. “So by publicly announcing your relationship with Airiss, you’re giving her the title of your sister and that would make her feel less…abandoned?” Jihyun doesn’t know if it’s the right word. Airiss was never abandoned but what other word could there be?

“Yeah, it’s not a wonder you’re my partner,” Doojoon smiles.

“But is he going to be frequently visiting you?”

“No, that was the last visit. He wanted to see how we’re doing. If she’s eating right and if being CEO is too hard for me.”

He still cares, Doojoon deduce after that day. His dad patted him, slipped him an envelope of money and whispered something in his ears.

“I’m sorry for everything that happened. Those words that I said years ago weren’t true. I’m very proud of you as my son.”

Doojoon didn’t know how to react. Was he supposed to say? “I forgive you?” Did it make a difference? But one thing was certain, he still loves Doojoon and Airiss, he still thinks of them as his world. But as much as Doojoon knows that, he doesn’t know how Airiss’ll react. Doojoon stops thinking and steals a glance at Jihyun, there was still something lurking, lingering at the back of his mind but he doesn’t know what to do with it, how to process it yet – ultimately, he decides not to tell her.

“Today’s meeting,” Jihyun trails off, worried, genuinely worried for Doojoon, “Can you handle it?”

Jihyun can’t look him in the eyes so she looks at the paperwork littered on the desk, balled up paper that failed to make it in the trash bin. His office was everything but an office. 

“Definitely, I’ve handled meetings before; it’s not going to kill me.” Doojoon smiled, but it wasn’t his usual snarky or arrogant one. It was a fake one, an uncertain one.

*~*

Yoseob, Junhyung and Kikwang are close friends. Despite Kikwang and Junhyung’s friendship only standing for a year, they consider themselves as brothers. Yoseob and Kikwang date back to high school with their embarrassing high school photos to tacky spirit wears.

Yoseob can’t help but take credit for making Junhyung and Kikwang the friends they are today. He wanted credit for a lot of things. He wanted to help Airiss and Kikwang – both of his closest friends – if they became a couple, it’d be killing two birds with one stone. It isn’t easy though, falling in love with someone isn’t easy. Especially with someone like Airiss who has a complicated past, but it could happen. Falling in love twice though? Was it possible? Falling in love happens just like falling out of love.

Seeing Kikwang’s sad smile, Yoseob can’t help but think that it can’t happen. Kikwang’s been trying. He’s hardworking so when he tries, he puts 110% into it. He usually succeeds but this time, failing might be inevitable, efforts don’t equal success.

“So how was the party?” Junhyung says, taking a sip from his coke.

“It was fun—” Kikwang’s smile slightly falter, “But really tiring.”

Going to the party with Airiss wasn’t the first time he gave in to her. But in Yoseob’s opinion, it’s the first time he was cruel to himself. He gives in to other people, but not as much as Airiss. Airiss is a close friend, a sister almost, but asking Kikwang to go to the party without a title is a bit cruel. Kikwang knew that but he was blinded by love thus accepted.

Sometimes, his love for her was questionable. He does so much for her and she returns it with friendly gestures and awkward smiles. It was enviable but at the same time, pitiful. Maybe it was because of Airiss’ past with Hyunseung. After they broke up, she built a wall to keep people out. But Kikwang, that idiot, kept trying to break it down. Sometimes he succeeds but she’ll have these epiphanies where she realizes that the wall is falling so she builds a sturdier, taller, and almost indestructible wall.

One thing she doesn’t realize is that Kikwang isn’t like Hyunseung. He isn’t an @sshole; he won’t treat her like he did. She won’t be hurting. Kikwang’ll love her, protect her and cherish her like she’s his world.

“Seob?” Kikwang threw chips at Yoseob’s face.

Yoseob lightly shakes his head, “Yeah?”

“You look like you were thinking,” Junhyun remarks.

“You’re really funny Junhyung,” Yoseob retorts and looks directly at Kikwang.

“Anyway Kikwang, can I ask you something?” Kikwang’s brows knit into a ball of confusion and nods.

“Why Airiss?”

Junhyung sits up from the couch, interested. “I want to know too. Airiss’ endearing, but at the same time, she’s difficult.” Yoseob thinks that’s coming from personal experience with her but he doesn’t say anything.

“Exactly, after what happened…” Yoseob trails off. It was an unspoken taboo to speak of Hyunseung. Even if Airiss wasn’t here, it was wrong.

“When she asked me to go with her to the party, I found her cute. She seemed confused but she wasn’t confused with what she wanted – she knew what she wanted – she was afraid of opening her walls to me. That was the first time she’s ever done that and I don’t know,” Kikwang shrugs, “I felt really happy.”

“She’s like that,” Yoseob notes, thinking about the time he met Airiss four years ago; how aloof she seemed but how silly she could get in a span of seconds.

Yoseob stares at his friend in respect. Kikwang’s time with Airiss is nothing compared to her time with them, but he understands her, almost as much as they do.

“I don’t know why I still like her.”

“Love Kwang, you love her,” Junhyung corrects.

Kikwang rolls his eyes but doesn’t deny it.

“Truthfully, that night was the first time I really met her. I saw her relationship with her brother and her friends. She told me how she felt. When she was lonely, when she was sad, she was honest. After that night, I think I love her even more.” He smiles gleefully; it was sickening to watch him.

“When I first met her, I thought she didn’t belong in the gang. She’s so quiet and remote but her confidence was just an act. She wasn’t strong but she’s been acting her entire life. It was a sad life but Airiss doesn’t know that it created the opposite effect. Instead of driving people away, it drew them in.”

At this point, Yoseob felt like Kikwang was reciting a monologue from Shakespeare with the right emotion and cheesy look in his eyes. Truthfully, Junhyung and Yoseob didn’t know his feelings for her were so strong. They always knew that he liked her, maybe even love her, but they didn’t expect him to fall so hard. Yoseob wonders if he was the one that pushed Kikwang to his death.

“Are you sick?” Yoseob places a hand on his forehead.

“No Seob, I’m not.” Kikwang slaps away his hand.

Junhyung stares at the two kids in amusement. Kikwang has fallen in love. He’ll get scratched and receive bruises and as a friend, he doesn’t want to see him bleed. Junhyung can’t assure that Airiss will feel anything but gratitude towards him, and to be honest, he isn’t sure that they’ll work out. He can only hope because he wants both of them to be happy.

“You’ll chase after her no matter what?”

Kikwang looks at Junhyung and he’s not joking, he’s serious. “No matter what."

“Even if she can’t forget Hyunseung?” Junhyung asks and Yoseob’s elbowing him, giving him the stern glance. You mentioned Hyunseung, you’re not supposed to, Yoseob’s eyes tell him but Junhyung ignores it.

“Even if she can’t forget Hyunseung.”

*~*

Doojoon heave a big sigh of relief. The meeting’s over and the frequent glances he got from a certain someone made him incredibly uncomfortable but he survived. He’s led meetings before but this one was different as the Jang Accounting Firm was involved. They were going to be working together now, yay.

He was hoping that that certain someone would leave but they didn’t, instead, they walked up to his desk with words on the tip of their tongue. “Geurim, if it’s a business talk then I’m all ears but if it’s personal, then I’m afraid I’d have to reject.”

“Doojoon, I want to apologize on behalf of my brother. He never wanted things to end like this,” the charismatic CEO of the accounting firm said, lowering her head to him. Doojoon would smile at her and maybe say it’s okay, it’s alright but when it involves Airiss and her state a year ago, he’d do anything but smile.

“I know that no one wanted things to end like this but it did. My sister didn’t know anything in this whole debacle and she ended up getting hurt the most, but Geurim, your brother, he knew everything and yet he let it happen. He hurt her,” Doojoon spat through clench teeth and tight fists.

Doojoon’s grip on the steering wheel tightened and he tries to clear his throat. “So, how was the movie?” He steals a glance at Airiss who found interest in the road.

“It was good.” She muttered quietly.

Doojoon sighs. It’s been a month since she came home crying about Hyunseung and now she’s pondering about Hyunseung – too much. How long is Hyunseung going to linger in her mind and haunt her dreams?

He pulls over and Airiss doesn’t question, she just stares out the window trying to connect the stars in the sky. “The movie was good but there was this part that reminded me of Hyunseung, of us.”

Doojoon nods.

“We said that our dream house would have cream color curtains with no designs and matching ceramic tiles in the kitchen. He wanted to have a baby blue colored ceiling and I wanted three little flower pots on the window ledge. What we strongly agreed on was that we must live near a beach. It was where we met and where we –“ Airiss stops herself, and Doojoon stares hard into the steering wheel, resisting the urge to throw a punch at it.

“I know that leaving Hyunseung was the right thing to do but why does it hurt so much?” She asks, “Is it supposed to be like this?”

“You’d be hurting a lot more if you stayed Airiss,” Doojoon reminds her because she’s pleading him to. “You would be happy with Hyunseung but you wouldn't be happy with yourself.” You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you did, I know because you told me that Airiss.

Doojoon sees her eyes shimmering from the tears. Tears are common now; cries at night are common and for a while, no one’s around in the house. Not Doojoon, not Airiss.

Doojoon sighs as he holds his brittle sister in her arms. Her fingers are clutching onto his arms (because she needs him, she needs him more than he knows) and whispers, “I promise I’ll try to forget him.”

You can’t use certainty like ‘promise’ and uncertainty like ‘try.’

“I admit he could have handled it better. But don’t doubt his love for your sister, he really loves her,” Geurim answered. She felt like she had to set the line between truth and assumptions.

“Hyunseung, I invited you to lunch so you wouldn’t be sulking at home – not so you could sulk in this restaurant,” Geurim breathes out, looking at her distressed brother. The bags under his eyes have grown darker, he looks frail almost and there’s never a day where the twinkle would reach his eyes when he smiled – never.

“I know Rimmie,” Hyunseung sighs, his fingers grasping the cup of coffee in front of him, “I’m just not in the mood to talk.” Or do anything else for that matter.

Geurim inwardly sighs, her mind at a lost at what to say. Get over it? Move on? It was just a girl? She couldn’t believe it herself when her brother called her, drunk, crying about a girl but she knows that this girl is more than just a girl—it was Airiss.

“She chose to leave, Hyunseung. You have to respect her decision,” Geurim hopes that her callous words can help him because her sappy comforts didn’t; it only made him fall deeper into his memories.

“It’s hard though, my days use to circulate around her. If I didn’t see her, I would go see her. If I couldn’t, I think of her. It’s scary, almost like an obsession,” Hyunseung hangs his head low, his lips quivering to form a small smile.

“You can’t just wander in the past though,” Geurim bit her bottom lip, worried, “I know Airiss would’ve never wantedthis.”

Hyunseung flinches at the raw name with so many memories made, so many feelings felt, so many words left unsaid to burn on the back of their throats. Geurim watches her brother, it was the first time she’s ever mutter her name and she knew she shouldn’t have the moment he looked up with the most hallow eyes she’s ever seen. She tries to hold back her sadden eyes or her frustrated pursed lips but she’s confused, helpless. She wants her brother back but when he’s losing himself like this, she doesn’t know what to do.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have –“

“I just miss her so much,” Hyunseung breaks down.

“I know, I’d never doubt that but look at what their love cause them,” a sad smile grace his lips and his hands are clench in tight fists. That’s probably why Airiss still can’t forget Hyunseung. Airiss was willing to go against her morals, hate herself to be with Hyunseung yet it ended up in failure and devastation.

“Geurim, if you had known about their relationship, would you have stopped them?”

“Yes, I would have.” She replied immediately. She would never want her brother to hurt like this ever again.

Thought so.

“I see.”

“Thank you for listening, Doojoon –”

“Geurim, stop bowing to me. I don’t want people to think that I’m forcing you or something.”

Geurim smiled a dim one. Despite Doojoon’s fit of anger earlier, he still holds this charisma to him that entitles him to do what he pleases. He knows how to make people smile, how to make them guilty. He was indeed a scary person – but as scary as he is, she has to do this. Geurim could bow again and again for what happened but it wouldn’t be enough because her family simply owes Doojoon and Airiss’ too much but it’s far too much weight for the youngest of the Jang’s to bare. 

“Look, we’ll probably see each other at meetings more often so let’s try to not bring up this talk. It’s for the best that we don’t anyway and I want my sister to forget about it and look forward to the future,” Doojoon said while extending his hand out.

Geurim shook it with pleasure, “Happy doing business with the CUBE Corporation.”

“I just wanted to make it clear that I still loathe your brother so the prejudice in my voice shouldn’t be noted.”

Geurim was in the same position as Doojoon when Hyunseung and Airiss were going through the break up stages. Over the England phone line, she tried to soothe her brother through her words but it only resulted in him hanging up, lying that he was okay. “Don’t worry about it, though do take into consideration that he’s my brother and that I love him.”

*~*

When I’m done washing the dishes, I see Doojoon lingering around the living room longer than he usually does. “Airiss, have the reporters been bothering you?”

I shake my head, “They got bored of following me after a week.”

“That’s good, so is the feeling of being followed gone as well?”

“It is, why?” I eye him suspiciously, tilting my head in question. Doojoon’s usually intimidating with his questions but today was different. His questions weren’t that nosy, weren’t that significant. 

“Just looking out for you,” he shrugs impassively.

“There’s something you’re hiding,” I say.

“Do you, you know, ever think of our—” he pause, waiting, “Dad?”

I was completely caught off guard by his question. Dad? How long has it been since we’ve mention him? Almost like Hyunseung, Dad’s name was unconsciously banned from the house. There’s this weird aching feeling in my chest – maybe longing, maybe anxiety and maybe anguish. Dad, what do I think of him?

I try to steady my breathing. I couldn’t as I feel my face scrunch up in discomfort. “Airiss, I don’t want to bring this up but—”

I raise a hand and convince him (but for my own sake), “It’s okay, I’m okay.” I try to focus my breathing, in and out, in and out. Just focus on things, like reality, the present and everything will be okay (or so I tell myself again and again).

He presses a comforting hand on mine, and gives it a little squeeze. “I know you don’t want to think of it, but I heard that he’s out, and if you want—”

“Dad’s out of jail?” My head jolts up in surprise. Dad’s out, I might see him again but can I see him again? Will I be my usual calm self? Can I control myself? I feel a frenzy of feelings racing through me; regret, pain and fright all jumble up in a black mess.

Doojoon nods, wary of me, of my break down. Act normal, act normal, I think to myself.

“So?” I ask, and Doojoon remains nonchalant. I resist the urge to ball my hands into fists because Doojoon’s watching and any miniscule action can give my act away. So I clench my jaws and let my hair fall on my face.

“Airiss, I don’t know if you want to know but I think you have a right to know. He’s our dad.”

I bit my bottom lip, and I don’t know why, I hate it, but the tears start stinging the corner of my eyes. Dad, our dad. I sometimes forget that I have a dad but Doojoon says it so coherently, so naturally. I’m an awful daughter for forgetting him, for getting him in jail and now we have to ban the mere word, ‘dad’ for my sake. I’m awful, just awful.

“Should I be crying right now?” I laugh pathetically, my free hand wiping away the tear. “Can we not talk about this?”

“Airiss—”

“Don’t call me Airiss.” Not the name that he gave me, not at this time. I stand up, heading for the stairs.

“It’s okay to cry, don’t–”

“It isn’t okay!” I yell back, surprising Doojoon as well as myself. I stop myself from climbing the stairs and want to look back at Doojoon, to apologize but I can’t – the words are stuck in my throat. I can’t let him feel worst than he already is, I don’t want to hurt him.

Doojoon sighs, it was an exasperated sigh. I can tell he’s running his fingers through his hair and loosening the tight tie around his neck. He’s trying to contain himself but it’s all an act to try not to agitate me. He’s already hurting so much.

He mutters, “I called Gina.”

Gina, the psychologist, Gina who probably talks to countless people a day about things like this. Doojoon probably talked to her about my condition, my psychologically unwell conditions. For some reason, I grow angry at this thought. Psychologically unwell, help from Gina, a professional. I must be sinking (it’s different from drowning) really low for Doojoon to consult her.

“I’m going to go to bed, early.” I whisper and run up the carpet stairs.

“Wait –”

I quickly grasp the doorknob to my door and close it fast before I can hear anything else. I don’t want to hear him sad anymore; I don’t want to be the cause of it.

I peer around my room, the four lavender colored walls but the relaxation doesn’t hit. Purple was supposed to be a calming color but it didn’t do anything to stop the tears as my legs give in and I’m hugging my knees, crying. I’m sorry Dad for wanting to forget you. I’m sorry Doojoon. I can’t be the strong sister that you deserve but please, please don’t leave me.

*~*

“So how did the talk go with Airiss?” Gina asks, while taking a sip of coffee from the café downstairs from her office. “You’re paying for this, right?”

He merely nods and Gina notices the difference of 6 years. Before, Doojoon would momentarily look lost, mentally calculating if he had enough change to pay for it. If he did, he would smile and nod. If he didn’t, he would look fluster and she took it as a sign and would offer to pay. It wasn’t out of pity that she did it, it was simply how their friendship worked out.

“I didn’t tell her yet. She’s so stubborn,” Doojoon remarks – a direct translation to failure. Gina sighs, it wasn’t surprising but Doojoon acts as if it is.

Gina chuckles, “Like you?”

Doojoon smiles, “Yeah. I understand why she’s refusing but I really want to help her. Partially it’s my fault.”

“We’ve been through this, a lot. None of it is your fault, it just happened,” she shrugs. It’s true that they have been through this, countless times. Him drowning in his sorrows and guilt and her trying to help him by giving reassurance and pull him from that abyss.

She heard about Airiss’ condition many times, and even gave her input about to it but Airiss is a stubborn person who refuses to accept help. Not from her, not from Doojoon, and maybe, not from Mr. Myung. Mr. Myung helped Airiss accept her past, accept that there isn’t a better alternative, there’s not going to be a better future but he didn’t help her accept the pain, forgive herself yet. She didn’t want to be vulnerable but she doesn’t want to worry others, she doesn’t want to guilt herself even more than she already has.

“She says that she forgives Dad but I could tell she’s still in pain because of it. Usually if you let go of it, the pain’s still there but it shouldn’t bother your daily activities,” Doojoon recites.

She could tell that his eyes have preached over numerous books about psychological traumas, how they affect the said-person, the long-term effects, and how they could possibly overcome them. What he didn’t know is that every case is different, every person is different and every cure is different. Airiss needs time to understand herself, to understand that she may need help, that it’s okay to see your love ones in pain, and most importantly – it isn’t her fault, it never was.

To forgive someone for causing a traumatic event, one has to endure and accept the pain; aside from not forgiving herself, Airiss hasn’t accept the pain yet because she never let out her pain, she’s been bottling it up.

You cannot forgive someone until you have fully felt the pain he or she has caused.

The textbook comes back, and she realizes that Airiss is suffering that. She unconsciously hides or suppresses the anger or resentment from that event, she doesn’t want to confront these unpleasant emotions so she takes the detour and falls into “premature forgiveness.” She’s denying that she ever experienced pain.

“I never knew Gigi. Even if I was working, I’m her brother, I should have noticed.” Doojoon blames himself again and again.

“Doojoon, stop,” Gina reaches out and pats his hand, but it doesn’t help.

“I should have known that she was only pretending that she was better. She wasn’t better, she was writhing and literally dying but I never noticed.”

“No one wanted this, she’s still here, and she’s not dying. If she didn’t act strong, then your mother would have been—” Gina bites her bottom lip. A habit developed when she was unsure. She didn’t want to say dead.

If Airiss had been in the state of depression, then no one would have been able to stop her mom’s suicidal phrase. Airiss would have probably fallen deeper in a state of depression if that happened. Doojoon and Airiss’ mom’s lucky that she has two children. One who keeps the house affair in order and the other one who assured that she’s okay, that she’s still living. If she was missing one or the other then their family would have fell apart long ago. Both of them are her reason for living. Only Airiss hasn’t realized that. She’s making excuses for herself to hate herself, to think that she’s the cause of everything, to persuade herself that she should be strong to make up for her “mistakes," thus preventing herself from feeling the utmost of the pain. It was a confusing thing, how her mind works. 

“If it weren’t for her then I would have no family to return to, but to—I—” he hesitates, scared to think of the possibility, “I feel like I’ll lose her if this continues.” His voice cracks and his hands are shaking from the fright of it.

“We can’t do much to help her. She can only help herself so let her think of your dad for a while.”

“But Gina, isn’t there something to help her? Anything?” Hysteria starts edging his voice. He’s desperate to help her, to do anything to help her but when she’s the only one that can help herself, what can he do?

Gina knows that Doojoon can spend his life worrying about his mother and sister and he wouldn’t mind. They’re his life basically.

“Time Doojoon, give her time.”

That’s all we could give her. She’s the only one who could realize that back then, she couldn’t do anything to stop her dad’s abuse, her mom’s depression. She has to stop blaming herself. Most importantly, she has to forgive herself for not being strong, for not withstanding the pain. She needs to forgive herself.

*~*

The belt, the screams, the cries, everything feels so close, so real. Then the departures, the heavy words clogging , the tearful goodbyes. A Lucid Dream. The state when I know I’m dreaming but I can’t wake up. I’m force to feel this, this pain, this torture, everything. I can feel it, despite how much pain I already go through, it never lessens. It hurts just the same. A few more slashes from the belt and I see the blackness creeping at the edge of my vision. Silhouettes walking into bright lights, outreach arms and I’m blinded. I remember this, then I’ll wake up to my father at my side, apologizing for all that he’s done and I forgive him. My friend’s arm around my shoulder, whispering: “It’s okay,” when it isn’t. And the cycle continues on and on.

I wake up, my hands gripping the bed sheet into tight balls. I hear myself taking long, desperate breaths and my chest heavily heaves in and out, thirsty for air. I close my eyes, glad to be back to reality. No one’s going to hurt me, no one’s going to leave me. I’m going to be happy; I’m not going to be alone. I remember Mr. Myung would tell me to keep a dream journal; I did but stopped when all I ever wrote were the same things; being in pain, crying and wanting to escape. I want to escape, I want to leave, I want to die. But I couldn’t, I can’t. What if Doojoon woke up to a limb body? What would happen to him? He would regret arguing with me, putting me in a tearful mess. He would hate himself so much.

I pull the blanket around me. It was so cold sometimes and I would forget how to live. How do I keep myself warm? 

*~*

The words don’t register in my mind as my eyes merely graze upon it with not more than a second glance. The umbrella on the round table did a good job of blocking the sunlight but I could still feel the pulsing heat on my skin. I search through my bag for my keys which had a watch charm dangling on it. Arm warmers meant no watch, no bracelets but it can’t be considered a sacrifice. When I found it, the watch told me that there's ten minutes before the designated time.

I grew tired of rereading the same paragraph and stuck to feigning the impression of reading while I got lost in my own thoughts.

Maybe I went too far yesterday? Maybe that’s why Doojoon left a note telling me that he had an early meeting so he’s skipping breakfast and won’t make it in time for dinner.

“You look interested in your book,” a voice says sarcastically and pulls me out of my thoughts and I look at Yoseob. He slides the book out of my hands and looks at it, “It’s an art book too. You must be tired or really hate it.” Yoseob’s voice is concerned and I smile.

“Yoseob, you’re pretty close with Doojoon, right?”

Yoseob gives me this absurd look, “Airiss, Doojoon’s close with everyone.”

I roll my eyes, of course, how could I ask such a silly question? “You know what I’m saying.”

“To be completely honest, I really admire your brother. Though it’s weird thinking his relationship with girls don’t last long. Considering his personality, he would have a girlfriend by now.”

“That worries me too,” I chuckle at Yoseob’s bad attempt to cheer me up from my not-so-subtle gloomy mood.

“Though, there was that one girl that lasted for a long time, right?”

I shrug, “Yeah, but most of them didn’t last because Doojoon never had time for them. He misses anniversaries, he forgot some and some grew tired of forgiving him.”

“Their loss,” Yoseob comments, shrugging as well.

“What do you think of my relationship with Doojoon?” I ask, closing the book and nestle it between my sketchbook and homework.

“You two are probably the closest pair of siblings I’ve ever seen, like we all have siblings – Kerin, Kikwang, Junhyung, and myself – but you and Doojoon are the most,” he ponders for a bit for the right word, “Tender.”

Tender, the word repeats itself in my mind. Tender, what a lovely word.

“You’re more dependent on each other than most siblings,” Yoseob adds and he hints at my past for being one of the reasons. It’s true. In my adolescent years, Doojoon was practically my guardian. I went to him for friendship problems, school problems and even boy problems and vice versa. I grew foreign to the words such as maternal and didn’t grow so attach to them as I should have.

“I guess that’s because we only had each other back then to rely on,” I smile, remembering the times when I would wait for Doojoon to come home from work. It was pretty late at night, 11PM or 1AM – I forget but I don’t forget closing my eyelids, pretending to sleep. I would then hear the gentle creak of my bedroom door opening, fatigue footsteps and a gentle hand tucking away stray hair or pulling the blanket fully over my body to keep me warm. It was a paternal habit of Doojoon and it still didn’t leave him. Then he would stagger out of my room and a click would be heard. That was when I would fall asleep.

“Is your brother why you seem out of it just now?” Yoseob ask.

I nod, “I had an argument with him last night.”

Yoseob jumps from his chair, surprised. “What?!”

“It wasn’t yelling and flower pot throwing kind of argument. It’s—it’s complicated,” I look at the plaid tablecloth, the colors, the criss-crosses, the texture. 

“Was it about,” Yoseob pauses, “Him?”

I look up, panic rising in my eyes. Him, it’s been so long since anyone has mentioned Hyunseung. A month, two months – I forget. it seems as if time wants me to forget as well. 

I shake my head, “I think my dad’s back or so Doojoon tells me.”

Yoseob jumps up in his chair again, “Your dad?! When?”

“I’m not sure when but he’s back, what am I supposed to do?” I run my fingers through my hair, the frustration now apparent to me. Dad’s back, do we come back to being a happy family or do we avoid each other on the street, pretending that we don’t know the other? Do I suddenly change my phrase from: “I don’t talk to my parents much,” to: “I live with my dad?” Is a change that simple and easy to adapt to though?

“Air, don’t freak out. It’s okay,” Yoseob touches my arm and I nod.

“When the father you never acknowledge might actually come back, what are you supposed to do?”

“I don’t know either but I guess, it could turn out well, right?” Yoseob says, “I bet your father doesn’t want you and your brother fighting about him though.”

“It wasn’t even that big of an argument but when he said, ‘father,’ I immediately thought about the past, everything and I don’t know, I just feel bad when I think about it.”

Yoseob stops sipping coffee, now looking at me and I can see that he’s worried now. The prime reason why I don’t talk about myself – I make people worry, scared, and I can’t do anything to stop the feelings now that they’ve come. “I thought your psychologist helped you overcome this already.” 

“I thought he did as well,” I sigh, “But I think I can handle it with the exercise he taught me in the past.”

“Is it because of him?” Yoseob asks, “Because he’s not here?”

Yoseob’s right as well, the reason why I accepted my past so easily was because of Mr.Myung but also because of Him. He was there to help me, to soothe me but now that he’s gone, it’s only natural that I can’t handle it but I don’t think that’s the reason. I think I can handle it without Hyunseung; it’s been a year since I’ve last seen him. I think it’s the shock of hearing that my dad’s back. My dad, the man I use to idolize so much. On the contrary to popular belief, I was closer to my father than I was with my mother. I still love them both but my dad and I always understood each other better.

“I don’t think it’s because of him but I do have to thank him for a lot of things.” I smile, the warm fuzzy feeling still strong. Maybe I didn’t forget him yet but how could I when he was such an important person in my life?

“Not to pressure you but there’s Kikwang waiting.” Yoseob offers and I recoil to make myself smaller in my seat. I want to turn invisible so I could sort out my feelings to give an articulate response to Yoseob but I was bound to answer that question sooner or later.

“I know but I don’t think it’s right to use Kikwang when I still think of –” I hesitate, “Hyunseung.”

For a whole year, I’ve been using him, him, and him to replace Hyunseung. I can’t say his name properly; I’m not strong enough to bear the heavy burden of his name. I never was strong enough.

Yoseob looks a little shaken at the mention of his name but smiles and his eyes are telling me: ‘good job!’ “I’m proud of you Air.”

“Don’t say that, Idiot.”

But the good thing about telling people about my feelings, how I actually feel, is that the trust grows deeper between the two and the bond grows so much stronger. You lose something and you gain something. I personally think the gain is so much more, it definitely compensates the lost.

“Even if your father decides to come back, I think you you can handle it. Even if you can’t handle it, you have five other pair of ears that’ll listen to you.”

“You’re so corny Seob.”

“I’m just happy because when something big happens to you, you never tell me first.” Yoseob crosses his arms, shaking his head.

I stare at him in question, “Hmm?”

“Remember when you had your first date with him, when you started meeting your psychologist again and even this time, when you asked Kikwang to be your partner – I was always the last one to know.”

“Sorry about that,” I utter, “I’ll treat you to coffee next time.”

“Deal.” 

ღ________Comments

A shorter chapter but I think this is one of the chapters where it's more feeling-based (LOL, does that make sense) and less event/dialogue-based ^^ You also get a better glimpse of Doojoon's mind and how dependent both of them are :) 

@Halimalikesrice: That’s good that you have an overall idea! Mind to share it ^__^? I want to see what you’re all thinking right now ^^ I KNOW, I feel so bad for not updating sooner but this update should somehow make up for it, right ^^? Did you forget my fanfic or something ಠ_ಠ 

Aww, that ;A; Don’t worry, they came once so they’ll probably come again! Plus they’re releasing another album this year so there might be a tour or whatever in a year or so ^^

I hope they do come back <33