I've Ruined Her
Stay Alive
I woke up in the bed I was now getting used to. Something I would never get used to was the person next to me. Seeing him there brought flashbacks of the terrible nightmare I had. He....it was a terrible nightmare. Minho was far on the other side of the bed not touching me. His back was turned so I didn't have to see his face.
When I sat up two things were very suspicious to me. For one I didn't feel any underwear, and another thing was I was bleeding through the pants I had on. I looked around me, and realized it wasn't a nightmare. I saw what looked like my underwear torn on the floor next to the bed, and Minho's wife beater. I felt sick to my stomach. Everything that I was ashamed of dreaming about happened in real life. Now I was ashamed of the things I let happen. I should've fought harder! I should've escaped no matter what! I needed to use the bathroom. I flipped the covers over, and raced out of the bed to throw up. Forgetting that my ankle was attached to the bed I fell on my face, and just puked on the carpet. I hadn't eaten anything so I tasted nothing but burning acid.
"It was real..."I mumbled to myself.
He touched me.
He violated me.
He me.
I was so disgusted with myself! A part of me didn't even desire to go back home. I couldn't face my parents after this. Not Chansung...definitely not Jinyoung. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. Jaerim was who he wanted not me! I felt my stomach turn, and knew another round of vomit was about to come up. I pulled on my ankle, but it wasn't slim enough to slip through. I just wanted to be sick in a toilet like a normal person. Suddenly a cold hand reached for my ankle, and released me. It was Minho. My body stiffed up, and just from his touch I couldn't hold in the urge to lurch forward as I got sick on the carpet again.
"Jaerim..." He reached for my hair. His touch sent a pain shooting through my heart, and I smacked him away.
"Don't touch me!" I practically crawled to the bathroom, and locked myself inside. I didn't want anyone's hands on me ever again. Especially not his. I reeked of vomit, and blood. The sooner I was out of these clothes the better. The mirror stood in front of me, but I didn't dare look at my reflection. Instead I sat in the tub as the hot water splashed over me. No matter how long I hugged myself, and cried out the pain I never felt better about what happened.
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A day has already passed since I saw Jaemi on the couch like that. For some reason I was surprised to see the sun fall, and rise so normally despite all that was going on. Somewhere kids were playing in the park, students were falling asleep in class like nothing was wrong with this world. The things I told Minho seemed to mess with him a bit. I haven't heard anything from his room all night which was hopefully a good sign.
''Hyung, can you go check on Jaerim for me?'' Taemin chirped.
''Her name's Jaemi, you don't have to pretend when Minho isn't around.'' I ruffled his hair as I put on my slippers. It was a smart idea to check on her this morning. I knocked on Minho's door, and it opened instantly. He was shirtless which didn't make me feel at ease one bit.
''I didn't do anything.'' He read the expression on my face. His shoulder brushed against mine as he slouched down stairs.
''Jaemi?'' I whispered. She was probably still sleeping. As I stepped closer to the bed I smelled it. Before I walked right into her vomit I took a step back. The shower was running in the bathroom which gave me a pinch of relief. At least she was well enough to care about her hygene.
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I felt terrible for what I did to Jaerim. Even if I loved her, that didn't give me a reason to be so rough with her, I just wanted to talk to someone that would make me feel better. Ignoring the now cold toast on my plate I climbed upstairs, and joined Taemin who was already turning on his video game system.
"Oh, hyung. Annyeong." He smiled brightly.
"Isn't it too early for Modern Warfare?" I took a seat next to him on the carpet.
"It's never too early to make a head shot." His innocence was so refreshing. I wanted it to rub off on me, but it was already too late. I've done too many things I regret. Way too many.
"...is Jaerim feeling better? You said the soup would make her not sick anymore but-"
"She's fine."
"I heard her calling my name, but you told me not to leave my room no matter what. Can I see her?" It killed me to see him like this. He had an idea of what went on in that room, and I was ashamed of myself.
"Sure. She should be out of the shower by now." I rested my head on my knees. This was all too much for me. I wanted Jaerim with me, but not like this. I didn't want to hurt her just to make myself happy. Taemin dropped his controller, and ran to my room. Just as quickly as he left the door opened, and he plopped back next to me.
''She's still in the shower.'' He sighed.
''Oh..'' A part of me grew a little worried thinking about why she was still in there. It's already been over an hour since she threw up, and shut the door behind her. ''Have fun.'' I ruffled Taemin's hair, and went to investigate.
''Yah, Jaemi! Gwaenchanha?'' I banged on the door, but all I heard was water running. She wouldn't respond, and since the door was locked I couldn't even make sure for myself that she wasn't hurt.
''Hyung? Is Jaemi dead?'' Taemin was standing behind me tears running down his cheek.
''No! She's not dead. Go back to your room, okay?'' I banged on the door for a second time. Still no response.
''I found the key.'' Onew came rushing passed, and fumbled with it before opening the bathroom door. Thank god I had a master key made years ago just in case.
''Jaemi?!'' He rushed in first. The entire bathroom was filled with steam I couldn't even see my hands in front of me.
''Jaerim answer us.'' I said calmly. I didn't want to scare her anymore. I pushed past Onew, and threw the curtain open. ''Jaerim!'' She was face down in the water. No! I can't lose her a second time!
''Hyung!'' Taemin was traumatized from the sight of her body unconcious in a tub of water. I ignored his cries, and pulled her out of the water as quickly as possible.
''Here!'' Onew handed me a towel to wrap around her body. I placed her flat on the cold tile, and gave to mouth.
Don't be dead!
Wake up!
She can't leave me again!
Seconds later she started coughing up water. Her eyes were barely open, and as soon as she noticed me she jumped back until she hit the tub.
''D-don't touch me!'' She cried.
''Jaerim, I'm not going to-'' I reached for her arm, but that only made her scream.
''Get away from me! Please!'' I couldn't tell if she was crying because her body, and face was still soaked.
''Ok, we're not going to touch you.'' Onew backed up, and pulled me with him. ''We won't touch you.'' He said a second time.
''Get out.'' She buried her head into her knees. I could barely understand a word she said. ''Get out!!!'' That scream was ear splitting. I never wanted to hear it again. Onew, and I ran out of there, and shut the door.
''Did I make Jaemi worse?'' Taemin was sitting against my bed hugging his knees. ''Is she dying?'' His tears dripped onto his blue shirt leaving marks.
''She's fine.'' I said half heartidly.
''Can you call that fine? Look what you've done to her.'' Onew stormed out slamming the door behind him. Taemin wiped his face, and followed behind.
He was right. I did ruin her. Probably forever....
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