AN: I've updated despite that I am sick... and my parents did not know what i am experiencing right now.

I became so secretive towards my parents since i start living away from them when i was 12 years old...

My sickness is not deadly (i supposed) even though it is a life-long and chronic condition..

Sorry for ranting...

So to continue...

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Tears are not a sign of weakness but an outlet for an unfolding tragedy.

6 years ago

During a quiet evening on a cold night in early March, Kim Myungsoo was trying in vain to change his mood as he study the script for his new drama. True, it may be sappy romance story with the typical happily forever after ending but somehow there were parts of the storyline that reflected the current events that were happening to his and his lover’s life. Before one of the protagonists walks the path of inevitable tragedy or in their case before one of them would spiral down the road of perdition, which was clearly the path that his lover was heading to. But, at the moment, instead of loving life, they were plagued by a strong state of depression, unable to define what they wanted or where they wanted to go. Glancing at the clock, the visual sighed. 1AM and Sungjong was MIA… again. It became a common thing since Riku died. He had called all the people that knew Sungjong and after a conversation with their coffee-loving choding, who had reported that said maknae should have been home by 8PM, the visual had decided to wait patiently. But patience is not a word in his vocabulary. Minute by minute he was losing his patience but calling his lover to ask where he was not applicable at that moment. After the death of Riku, his lover had been avoiding him like a plague. L knew very well that his lover was still grieving over the death of the kid that’s why he would give him the space that he needed until he would open up again. The waiting game had been the only viable solution at the time. But now, five hours later, with a six-pack of canned beer by his side, and no lines read since he was technically staring at the same page for the entire time, worry was being replaced by anger and frustration.

Sungjong's initial distant behavior had been somewhat of a shock, but when coldness towards others had been added to the mix, everyone's alarm bells went off. Their CEO had offered INFINITE some time off but the maknae adamantly refused citing an already very much delayed album that could no longer wait; Sunggyu tried to be a little more gentler with his criticism and has stopped nagging their maknae; Woohyun, Hoya, and Sungyeol who usually tease their maknae, put their teasing into a halt ; Dongwoo, just being himself, tried to remind their maknae of the little ball of sunshine that he used to be almost every day in the hope that it would somehow inspire the singer to act the same way he used to; their managers kept the balance in the group preventing the other members from exploding towards their maknae; and L… L did not know what to do.

Being in unfamiliar territory was the understatement of the year. First of all, L, himself, had never been good at dealing with grief. But Sungjong was on an all new level. Their oh-so-emotional maknae had become a silent, withdrawn man.L spent a great deal of time staring at his lover (whether when he was home or at the studio) to search for any remaining trace of the overactive, eccentric Sungjong, but he had come to believe that the diva was gone for good. Not that he could blame him. The first time that the change had been made crystal clear was right after the funeral, when the maknae made a bee line for Riku's room to pack his belongings.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think I am doing? I am packing his stuff to donate it."

"Isn't it a little too early to turn the page?"

"It's not because it's taking you more than 5 years to turn the page on her, that it has to take me that long."

While true, it was uncalled for. L paled at that comment. How could Sungjong utter such cruel words? The visual understood too well what was happening to his lover. He wanted to go to his lover, hold him tightly in his arms, and promise him that it was ok to cry. Shutting himself out and pushing his loved ones away would not relieve his pain. But, L had been broken long ago and did not know how to piece himself back together until the time Sungjong came by his side to help him, much less prevent his lover from shattering completely. So, he remained rooted to his spot, leaning against Riku's doorframe, observing his lover sinking deeper in his depression, a silent spectator to an unfolding tragedy.

His sad memories were disrupted by the sound of shuffled keys and a closing door. Sungjong was finally home. 1:30 AM… Damn!

Calmly opening the door of their roon, L was ready for a showdown. Sungjong needed help and cold hearted bastard or not, he, Kim Myungsoo, solemnly swore that the maknae's downward spiral would be addressed tonight.

"Where were you?"

"At Youngwook-hyung's." That was a first. Sungjong had not answered a question in a forward manner in two months. Either he would answer L with a glare o he would not answer at all. Something was up but the visual was not going to let it deter him. Following his lover to the bedroom, L continued.

"Jongie, there are rules in this house."

"Which are?" cut in the singer insolently.

"Sarcasm or not, you will hear me out."

“Why? Remember L, this is also my house so whatever I do you don’t have anything to say about it.”

L’s eyes grew bigger as he observed the maknae's action. "Why are you packing your clothes? You don’t have any schedule until next week." Grabbing his wrist maybe more forcefully than first intended, L repeated his question.

The look on Sungjong's face would have chilled even a serial killer to the bone: a mixture of self-loathing, hopelessness, and regret. Dropping his eyes to the floor as shame was ready to overwhelm him, the petite man mumbled something, but it could not be right.

"What was that? What about Youngwook-hyung? I don't think I heard you right..." But L had heard him. From disbelief or maybe disgust, he let him go and walked backward until his course was interrupted by the bed forcing him to sit. In a smooth motion, Sungjong turned around, once again silently packing everything he owned. No more words needed to be said. He had broken his lover's trust by doing the unthinkable. Their maknae could not have had without feelings. So cheating meant it was over… at least for the old Sungjong… but L was not buying it.

"Is it about Riku? Did you do this to destroy everything you hold close to your heart so once you have nothing left, you can fade away quietly?" Getting up swiftly, the angry visual dragged a frightened singer into the bathroom and threw him into the shower. "Answer me, Sungjong." The use of his name was not endearing at that particular moment, but rather the outcome of a boiling rage threatening to explode. "Answer me, damn it!" Turning on the cold water and aggressively undressing his lover, the visual did not care anymore. He would cleanse him from Go Youngwook. He would wake the maknae out of his trance or whatever was taking him hostage and would make him feel again.

Sungjong was struggling, suddenly assaulted by images of his anti-fans and their threats moving on to the very still face of Riku, a face that would never smile again. "Let me go, please let me go. I can't take it anymore." The wails of the maknae snapped L out of his uncontrollable anger. Folded into himself, huddled in the corner of the shower, half undressed, with cold water pouring on his frail body, the singer was finally crying. At last, the gates had been opened, but to get to that point had been damaging, irreparably so. "You disgust me." Heading to the door, L knew that his harsh words were meant to hurt, but they were not felt. He was stopped by a trembling hand, firmly gripping the bottom of his damped shirt.

"I was drunk. I don't know what I told him. Maybe I told him to wait for me by the pool and I never came, and he became impatient. He always wanted us to teach him how to swim. I just can't remember but I know it was my fault. I was in charge. I am the last one who saw him alive. I should have prevented it." The last words of this heart wrenching confession were muffled by a strong hiccup signaling an oncoming anxiety attack. Sungjong's facade had cracked and was unraveling at surprising speed.

Conquered for now by his lover's wave of guilt, L turned off the freezing water and finished to undress him. "Jongie, you can't change the past." It was ironic for him to say that. He knew it. But, his survival instinct was kicking in, screaming to protect the only human being who had endured his anger, his self-destructive attacks, and his pathetic verbal abuse, without asking anything in return but his love.

Like a lifeless doll, the shivering maknae did not put on a fight when the visual, who had encircled him with a towel, lifted him off the floor and put him under the covers. When L joined him to bed, Sungjong, in a desperate movement, made himself fit in the embrace of his partner, tucking his head under the visual's chin. L, who under normal circumstances was not one to be caught alive cuddling, could not help but try to sooth his lithe lover by rubbing his lower back in circular motions, whispering words of encouragement.

Trying to get a hold of his anger, the visual wanted to convince himself that what was done was done. He could not undo the cheating, except for beating the man who dared touching his property, and taking advantage of a diva who was disoriented by his inability to cope with his pain. He could not bring Riku back, but he could help Sungjong come to terms with the loss and accept it. He realized that he was not the most compassionate person or the most understanding. He even acknowledged that dealing with guilt and handling demons were not his strong suits. But for Sungjong, he would learn. If his own experience had taught him anything, building up barriers was just a poor defense mechanism that eventually caught up with you. And, if what happened tonight was any indication of Sungjong's mental state, the kid would eventually self-destruct. After all, he had never answered L's question: "Did you do this to destroy everything you hold close to your heart so once you have nothing left, you can fade away quietly?"

5AM... The last thing L remembered before falling asleep was the claw like grip of his lover on his back, his labored breath, and the silent tears of a tortured boy who was finally growing up in the worst way possible… and that sound, that horrible sound of a heart tearing in two.

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Honestly, What do you think of this ff so far?

BTW, Thank you to those that have subscribe and commented in this ff...

I appreciate it very much...

Ashertua: Yes... sad to say that it was sungjong who cheated... and why Youngwook... well, you will find out as this story progresses... so, do you think that they will really breaks up because L seems to hold on to Sungjong despite of what he has done... 

LightSchwarz: Me too, I wish that Sungjong would comeback... or did he just comeback???

inspiritkevin: Thanky you and Sorry for breaking your heart... I hope you won't be having a breakdown for my future updates...

saionji90: Thank you for the compliments... and sorry for making you cry... ((lemon candy for you)) ... I don't think that Sungjong has any choice that's why he was acting like that... 

lynnsiow: I promise you, Sungjong will have a major guilt trip after he finds out what he has been doing...

Again sorry for the typos and grammatical errors...

Please subscribe and cimment..