AN: This is the first part of Chapter 2...

I'm going to update part two after i finish editing it...

thank you for those who subscribed and commented...

sorry for all the typos and errors...

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He who has never experienced hurt, cannot experience true love.

6 years ago

I am the visual of the group. People considered me as the main presence of INFINITE. Some even envies me because of the gorgeous face that I possess. Because of this face, I gained some role in several dramas.  Dramas in which I play a character of a heartless killer, a stoic and aloof man, and other characters that don’t know how to love. Some have criticized my roles, pointing out I did not know what real love was. Of course, they were wrong. Even though I would say that I don’t have a first love but I really love someone. And I want this someone to be the first and last person that I would ever love.

 Also because of this face, I learned about love the hard way. A tragedy that embedded a deep scar in my heart and tainted my point of view about love. During my trainee years, I would often have a vacation in Japan. When I first visited Japan, I was like a lost puppy that doesn’t have a destination in mind but I meet someone who became my constant companion during my stay there. True, she was 5 years older than me but we became so close that I could even consider her as my noona. I admired her the most but I am not in love with her.  She pampered me well and would often tour me around the streets of Tokyo. I had nothing to complain about. She was sweet and tender and I felt at the center of someone's world. Then, tragedy struck.  Unbeknownst to me, during the time that we were together, she has eventually felt in love with me. On night, after our dinner, she cornered me and confessed her feelings for me. If I was any other man, I would accept her love immediately. What kind of man would not accept the love of a lovely maiden like her? But I was different, how could I accept her love when I was love-struck with one of my member and I want him to be my first and last love.  I rejected her explaining that I have fallen in love for a different person, to my co-member to be exact. I was supposed to ask her if we could just remain as friend but I was interrupted by a loud explosion. Before I could process everything, she has already taken her life right in front of me. I have seen her death with my own eyes and my rejection was the reason of it. My eyes were glued to the river of blood that was flowing out of her body, particularly her head. That time, I blocked out everything around me. I was traumatized and scarred, and before I knew it, I was back at the comfort of our dorm. Back to the comforting arms of my love and the other members. I don’t know what kind of trick our CEO made but there was no issue that erupted from the mistake that I made. Only me, INFINITE, our managers and our CEO knew about that tragedy.

The exuberance of the trauma and guilt that I am feeling was overwhelming, and I had no idea how to handle it. Love, to have it exposed so brutally by the person I admired the most turned it into this grotesque event in my life. One of our manager once said that, that woman turned me into a cold self-absorbed man on screen and even sometimes in real life… that I shut myself away from reality. I disagree. Noona woke me up to reality, where love is rarely returned and we are more prone to hurt each other than to care for one another.

But because of love, I was healed. It may be a slow and agonizing process but I slowly coped up from that debacle. Through the consoling and helpful words of the other members, I eventually withdraw from the shell that I produced. They help me to stand-up again and see the bright side of life. Above all, the one I love was the one that helped me the most. He was the one that stayed constantly at my side and soothe me every time I would encounter nightmares. He was the one that would urge me to eat if I would lose my appetite. He was the one that would wipe my tears and whisper comforting words every time I would have a breakdown.

He taught me how to love again… Sungjong will always be my first and last love.