Even when we don't look back and keep pressing forward, we are all prisoners of the past.

Friday 27 December, 2019

How was I feeling right now, looking at my boyfriend agonizing over the shredded life of his past love? Absolutely horrible. Sungjong and L had been over for a good six years and yet the ruins of their relationship had more power over our visual than our healthy five years affair. Craving for the same love, I attached myself to a man I knew was capable of such passion, hoping that one day I would become his inspiration. But that day never came. Once Jongie had asked me if I believed in love regardless of gender and my response was an elusive yes, but my heart was not in it. Years later, I had to bow to the inevitable truth. Love was without boundaries, non-discriminatory and I had fallen into its trap.

From the start, I was well aware that my lover was emotionally impaired but I didn’t thought and realized of what our maknae had done and sacrificed for our visual during the period of their relationship and the impact it had had on Myungsoo. When Jongie pushed away the man who he claimed as the greatest love of his life at the same time leaving and abandoning INFINITE, the confusion I was experiencing was quickly replaced with anger. We were his brothers and yet, he did not trust us to support him. I felt full betrayal from what he had done to us and until know I couldn’t comprehend his intentions. I thought I was close enough with him that he would come to me for some comfort and stuff but I was wrong. Our maknae was a real coward for running away just like that. Does he even thought of what the rest of us was feeling during that time. Come to think about it, our maknae was said that we are his family – that his life without INFINITE is incomplete, so why did he left just like that. It’s like that we don’t have any importance to him. Sungjong doesn’t know about my love for our visual and that I have to give up willingly for the both of them. Even before our debut, I have been in love with our visual but I hid it knowing that Myungsoo would not look at me like the way he looked at our maknae. I sacrificed my love for L, thinking that only Sungjong could return the Myungsoo that we used to know. That’s why I’m resentful towards our maknae, if only I knew that my sacrifices will result to this, I should have fought for Myungsoo. But no, I was a fool to give up even without fighting – I was an idiot to believe that I am his hyung and he was my dongsaeng and I was supposed to give way because he was younger than me. I thrown away my heart and feelings for Myungsoo and in return, our maknae had just stepped on me for his personal advancement. I could not forgive him and even today, Sungjong was indirectly sabotaging and destroying my relationship by refusing to disappear from our circle of friends. Like a haunting shadow, he was in everybody's mind and everybody's conversations. His family had rejected him but he still sent them presents for special occasions. Some of his INFINITE fans was even crying betrayal, but he had charmed his way back to their heart with his new soulful style. Jongie was always there and I was exhausted fighting his ghost. If L's knuckles turning white from his death grip on the steering wheel were any indication of his current thoughts, I could guarantee that none of them were about me.

"I am sure Sungjong is fine." I ventured. No response. "What are you so worried about?" I carelessly continued. "He bought a beach house. So what? I don't understand why you are so upset about the video. Sungjong has closed the doors on Riku's death a long time ago and he has moved on. Why…"

"Enough!" The brutal command echoed in my heart. I did not expect anything less, anything more, but it still hurt.

That was it, and the silence settled once more. The awkwardness was even more intense than when I saw Jongie after five years of sporadic contacts. I had requested to meet him at this café we used to visit when he was still with us in INFINITE. I told him that Myungsoo and I wanted to 'catch up' but I had no intention of bringing Myungsoo with me. It was a bait I may not have needed. Sitting in the darkest corner of the restaurant, our appearances were the indelible proof of our professional successes and the result of all our hard works for the past years. Garb with large sunglasses and a hat to protect our identities, I preferred that our conversation would remain between us and hidden from the media and public.  We were still well-known in this industry despite of Sungjong’s departure. While he continued his walk in the hall of fame with his debut solo album, I have gained more drama and movie roles but INFINITE always tops my priority. I have earned my own recognition not just by being in INFINITE but by being an actor just like my lover. I have built a name of my own during our maknae’s absence and that was one thing that I am proud of.

Sungjong broke the silence. "Sungyeol-shii…I am glad you wanted to see me. I imagine Myungsoo-shii  is busy."

"No." I interrupted. "He did not want to see you." I lied. He did not know anything about this.

"I see." He chuckled nervously. "Well, I am glad you called."

To see him so composed even after my spiteful words made me angrier. How could he not be hurt?

"We are moving in together." I blurted out. His eyes grew larger in size - out of surprise maybe? Myungsoo and I had been together for four years, it was about time for us to take the next step. "You have some items in his apartment. We will need you to take them back."

He froze and his look hardened. "I took everything when I left." He emptied his glass of water.

"I thought you were going to say this. So, I took the liberty to bring them myself." I handed him a plastic bag. His girl groups CD collection, his stuffed toy, and the ring Myungsoo gave him… Pieces of the best friend I thought I knew were messily thrown together. I had had little time before the writer came back from his editor's meeting.

Jongie's searching movement stopped. He held in his hand the ring and I thought I saw a fleeting look of sadness. I could not let him get to me.

"Myungsoo does not want to keep it. He wants to move forward for good. We thought you may want these back. I wish you well." I got up and headed towards the door.

"Does he want to move forward or do you want him to?" Jongie questioned.

I stopped in my tracks. What could I respond? Myungsoo did not want to forget about Sungjong. He had kept the ring on his finger all along and the only reason I had finally been able to get it was when, on a drunken night, he had removed it. He had searched for it for months, cursing under his breath about his negligence. Sungjong did not and could not know that, however. So, I kept on going, never looking back and not caring about what my former best friend may have felt. All I wanted was to keep Myungsoo for me.