I ask myself what life was worth with no love in it...

I watched the funeral from a distance. I couldn't bring myself to go near L-hyung, knowing the fact that he loves Riku like his own child and I was the one blame for the early demise of the child.  From my current place, I could clearly see the spectacle that Yuki is creating.

"You had to take him away too. One brother was not enough. You had to take my nephew too." Beating on my lover's chest, he was losing his breath with each hit. But L-hyung did not stop him. He accepted each of the beating openly. Each of the beating that was supposed to be directed to me. If only Yuki would know that I am the one that left Riku alone, that I was responsible for leaving a 6-year-old child by the pool, that because of L-hyung's love for me her sister has taken away her life. Would Yuki hate me instead of hating L-hyung? I was the one responsible for bringing so much misery in Yuki's life. Only when Yuki was kneeling on the floor, surrendering to his misery, did he join him for comfort. Or was he crying with him? Sunggyu-hyung came to the rescue and pulled Yuki to the side while Sungyeol-hyung helped my lover to a chair. Tragedy pulls people apart but it also brings them together. During these past two months, Sungyeol-hyung and L-hyung had formed an unlikely bond trying to diagnose my problems and the funeral seemed to have been the starting point of this odd friendship.

Where was I in all this mess? I was there only as a spectator, surrounded by my family, our close friends and those people who personally knew about Riku, even the family of the other members and staffs have attended the burial. They have shed their tears but my tears wouldn't even come out. Some looked at me with disdain because they knew that I was the reason for the death of the kid. Other, looked at me with pity and somehow they offered some comforting words but I was the one that rejected it. I was there, answering people's questions, hugging when hugged, returning embraces when embraced, but the music had stopped making sense. The only thing that I could feel was the emptiness that was creeping and beginning to cover my heart. I could still hear sounds but instead of plunging me in a state of bliss, they drew me onto the road of perdition. L-hyung, in a very un-L move, had tried to talk to me about Riku, the silence now permeating our life, and my lack of emotions… But I couldn't. I resisted to his awkward attempts panicked of what he would discover if he probed too much. I shut him out of my newly distorted world.

Even now, looking at the sterile white wall of this sumptuous bedroom, only covered by a sheet, I was shutting him out.

"Jongie-ah, are you sure about this? If you don't want to, I can wait."

Without a word, I dropped the sheet unveiling my body, and advanced purposefully towards my prey. I wanted to forget and I would do anything to get rid of the people who reminded me of what I had done. There was no lust, there was no passion, just manipulation. Not once, while he gently made love to me whispering endless words of love that never reached me, did I look at him. How could I?

"You are leaving?" Dressing, I still could not look at him. "Yes Youngwook-hyung, I am going home… to L." I added pointedly.

Searching for his secret stash of cigarettes, he nodded. "I see. Then, what was this about?"

"What was what?" I could not answer his question. The truth would have hurt him more than just ignoring him. Blowing out the smoke of his once a month cigarette, he gave up in pursuing this conversation. It was better to leave it alone anyway.

Always unpredictable, he decided to change subject. "You should have your arms checked out. It looks painful."

"None of your business." I spat earning a startled gaze from my hyung. I haven’t realized that I have injured my arms with what have transpired between us.

Ready to go, I walked to his side, bent down, grabbed his cigarette, took a drag, and gave it back to him. That's when I saw his eyes telling me of his bitter disappointment, and the guilt of what I had just done made me falter. I destroyed the friendship between us. I felt like a useless trash for using him for my own benefit. I have always respected him since the day that we met. I treasured him not just as a senior in this industry but as an older brother that I could never have, aside from the other INFINITE members of course.

For two months, Youngwook-hyung became my comfort zone. He was the one of the few that I have opened up with the guilt and the burden that I am feeling. He was the one that supported me, hoping that I could return to my old self. His presence prevented me into spiraling down in the world of insanity.  I knew that I still have my lover, that we should be comforting each other since we lost the child but I don’t know if I am brave enough to face him. I was being a coward in retreating to the comfort of Youngwook-hyung, but I don’t know if I could take the anger and resentment that L-hyung must be feeling each time he saw me. He said that I was in the state of denial, that I couldn’t accept the death of Riku that why I was retreating in my own shell but no I’m not, I accepted already that Riku would only be a memory, that he had ceased to excess in the world of living and I was the reason for it all, not my lover but me. I missed everything about that child, his cheeky smiles, his crazy antics to make my lover smile, his bubbly personality, the times that he would call me ‘mama’ even when I told him to call me ‘eomma’. I missed him very much but I couldn’t show it. I was afraid to show it. Youngwook-hyung knew about very well about these. The mixed emotions that I am currently experiencing and the walls that were slowly building up around me. The bond between us seemed to go stronger but I severed that bond away. I was an idiot for making that kind of decision, I hurt him by acting impulsively. I threw everything that he has whole-heartedly given me. Everything that happened was a huge mistake. I have sinned against Youngwook-hyung, also, I have sinned against my own lover.

Holding my face with two hands, Youngwook-hyung looked at me as if searching for the Sungjong of two months ago and even before that. The Sungjong that he have asked for a Twitter account. The Sungjong that he have taken care of during the variety show that they have filmed together. The Sungjong that he have jokingly kissed. "Who are you?"

I didn't even know myself. Disengaging myself from his hold, I put my jacket on. "I am sorry." I silently closed the door behind me and left to go home… to L, a man I no longer deserved.

And the emptiness settled…