Nostalgia is the undeniable proof that you are still alive and looking for what you have lost.

Thursday 26 December, 2019

In the end, I never had the chance to beat Go Youngwook senseless for taking advantage of Sungjong that night. True, I was the one that told him to take care of Sungjong. But damn hell, not that kind of taking care of. That idiot must have felt a storm coming because the next day he had packed his bags and escaped to some place halfway around the globe. Maybe, Sungjong was not taken advantage of after all, and it was I, the fool, who had thought that my lover was distraught by the grief of losing Riku because when I woke up after that fateful night, Sungjong was gone as well, to Japan, no less.

At everyone's surprise, the company that we were working with during our Japanese debut has taken Sungjong as one of their solo artist. It was a baffling turn of events. Jongie’s Japanese was always been average and he surely needed my help to speak that language everytime we went to Japan. Undeniably, Sungjong has already made a name of his own here in Korea but the idea that he would be singled out by a foreign company without any help of INFINITE seemed to be unfathomable.  It led me to suspect that he had somehow been helped. The chaos his departure created in the heart of his friends, family and fans reached devastating proportions. The first few days were spent in trying to quietly locate our missing maknae, but the frantic search quickly ended when our CEO received a phone call from the President of that company in Japan, announcing that our maknae … our diva … my lover have decided to dropped from Woollim Entertainment and would be working for them now. A press conference was held putting INFINITE on an indefinite hiatus, but the reasons behind that decision were not clearly explained, and the absence of our maknae led to growing speculations. About two weeks later, rumors had spread to such a catastrophic extent that Sungjong was forced to give a statement via satellite to a disbelieving crowd, myself included.

The well orchestrated interview danced around facts and sang the birth of a new career punctuated by a series of apologies to INFINITE for abandoning them in the midst of an unparalleled success; to Woollim for closing the door on a five-year professional partnership; to his family for worrying them unnecessarily; to his fans for changing the music with the promise of a better sound; and finally to me for ending a heartfelt relationship that no longer made sense, but would always be remembered. This effectively stopped the media circus, and instead acclaimed Jongie's maturity in handling his professional career, already generating a buzz for his upcoming solo single that would not hit the stands for at least six more months.

After watching in disbelief what I could qualify as the most public break-up in the history of Korean show biz, I turned off the TV and sat in the dark for quite some time, pondering how we had gotten to that point. Going to Japan and getting back what was mine crossed my mind, but the desperation of this action would have been such that I did not think that the relationship would even stand a chance in front of my seriously bruised ego, not to mention the complete loss of a trust from his escapade with his idiotic hyung and his subsequent departure.  It was that night, switching from the emotions of anger to self-pity that Sungyeol-hyung came stumbling at my door, like a lost master whose harmless puppy had suddenly bit him.

"I don't understand his rational. It may be a better move professionally, but doesn't he need us? Doesn't he need you?" our choding said, pacing back and forth, expressing out loud the agitation I felt inside. If we wouldn’t cease from his pacing he would surely leave some burnt marks on the floor.

My guess was that the feelings of reproach, anger, and abandonment he had towards our maknae were as foreign to him than they were to me. He continued his rant for a while with me as his only spectator until he was interrupted by the ring of my home phone. Though the answering machine was there to stall the prying vultures.

"I am sorry." That quivering voice made Sungyeol-hyung stop in his never ending circle, and made me turn my head from the blank TV screen to the deceiving looking phone. "I owe you that much after what I did with Youngwook-hyung," the newly directed stare of the choding and the pain in my stomach told me that I was in for a night of sorrow. "and for leaving without a word. I hope … I hope we can be friends." I had to smile at his hesitation. After everything was said and done, Sungjong still needed to be loved and forgiven. It seemed that our maknae would never understand how to be a true bastard. "When you are ready … or you have moved on. Please be strong and help the people who want your help." He continued. The click of the machine indicated the end of the message, but in my head, I was playing it again, completely oblivious to Sungyeol's presence. Not until I was seeing the blood on the napkin he was trying to hold in front of my mouth, did I realize that I was in serious trouble. Damn ulcer!

Today seemed as cold as that night. Although I was not a good judge anymore as I never felt warm, not ever since my diva and my brat left me. Standing in front of Riku's grave, on the sixth anniversary of his death, I could honestly say that Riku had brought stability in my relationship with Sungjong, but had taken it away with his passing. For a brief moment, we had been a family and a seemingly happy one at that. "Death Leaves a Heartache No One Can Heal, Love Leaves Lives a Memory No One Can Steal," read his tombstone. How painfully true! Right below, I saw a picture of me and Sungjong, a sign that my diva had been here already today. The child, who will never be forgotten even in death, still helped us communicate.

The photo Sungjong had just left behind was taken two years ago at Dongwoo and Hoya's wedding. It was a candid shot of the both of us sitting at a table looking at each other right before the newlyweds' first dance. I hadn't realized someone had snapped a picture but here it was in all its glory.

I had moved on as requested by my former lover and we had even been able to talk to each other, but I didn't think we would ever be able to reach the 'friend' status until we attended that wedding. It was odd in a way to think that our relationship had impacted the lives of INFINITE, discretely weaving the threads of our destiny together. It was to everyone’s awareness that Dongwoo-hyung and Hoya-hyung were in a relationship during the active years of INFINITE but it was only three years after the departure of our maknae that they have decided to get engaged. When they announced their engagement and their wedding plans, everyone soared with happiness but then the consequences of what that union meant, the possibilities of our maknae returning, crippled us with fears during a time of supposed joy. No one seemed too worried about Sungjong’s feelings, but I had become the victim of the break-up and as such, was given the option by Dongwoo-hyung’s parents not to invite Sungjong if it would just cost me the remaining thread of my sanity. Hoya-hyung was enraged with that decision and planned to cancel the wedding stating that the wedding won’t be the same without the presence of Sungjong. Sungjong would always remain as Hoya’s beloved little brother despite of his unannounced departure. After more or less negotiating with them, the couple to marry and myself convinced them to send him an invitation to the wedding, but excluded him from the rehearsal dinner.

So an outcast Sungjong, coming back to Korea for the first time in four years, remained quiet upon his arrival and except for Sunggyu and Woohyun, did not see nor get in touch with anyone until the day of the wedding. To the dismay of everyone who was concerned about me, we were both in the wedding party, which meant we were going to be in proximity to each other. During the reception, while I received sympathetic looks from most of the guest and comforting gestures from my current lover, Sungjong was left alone most of the time and the object of many unfriendly glares, but no matter how uncomfortable the situation must have been, my ex-lover never showed signs of weariness. His laugh was more controlled, his gestures were more studied, his words were more carefully chosen, and his facial features were better schooled. In other words, Sungjong had become a man, dropping the carefree act of his youth by replacing it with a bubbly personality with a touch of maturity. In a way, this more grown up attitude of his made me ache even more for the wacky mess that he was.

"You are looking well, L." He said nonchalantly, when we were alone at the table.

"You seem less of a brat." He laughed at that.

"A diva is a diva. We never change. Always causing unnecessary worries and chaos." He said the last statement looking at Hoya chatting with my lover. "Anyway, I watched your latest movie. It was poignant, but less tragic than the others. You know what, it’s good to see you acting those kind of characters… it’s more like you. It’s good to know that you are happy and coping up well. Maybe, I should thank Sungyeol-hyung for taking care of you and helping you to move on." I raised my eyebrows. When Sungjong did become interested in my life after he leaves me, much less know about my current relationship with Yeollie? Misunderstanding my surprise for indignity, he quickly backtracked suddenly unsure of the solidity of his opinion. And that's when I thought I saw him, the fragile broken kid who seemed to have cheated on a quest to self-destruction.

"I think you are right." quieting down his false apologies. "I felt somewhat weird to act that kind of character but the movie turned out good." The truth was that when I was casted for the movie I was clueless how to make the protagonist’s character into life. The role given to me seemed to be out of character, the polar opposite of all the roles that I have acted. I was never satisfied with how the plot goes and seeing it like a reflection of my own love story, it seemed to haunt me and reminded me of whatever mistake I have done to make my relationship with Sungjong gone astray. The veracity of Sungjong’s monitoring my life despite of our break-up and distance touched me deep in my soul stirring something that I had thought was resolved. Before I knew it, I was cleaning an imaginary chunk of food off the corner of his lips, enticing, demanding, bruising lips I used to take for granted so long ago.

Leaning in my touch, he started sputtering incomprehensible sentences. "I just want to say … Even now … When I started …"

But he was never able to piece his thoughts together. The DJ announced the first dance and finally realizing the consequences of my actions, I grabbed the glass in front me and turned to the dance floor looking for my lover while Sungjong chuckled lightly to cover his embarrassment. I couldn’t dismissed the longing in his eyes as he watched his former comrades from the sidelines.

"I must have drunk too much. I don't know what I am saying."

"You should be careful. You know what happens when you get drunk." I saw him pale considerably.

"I believe I deserve that." He said, and to my bewilderment, he excused himself from the table not to be seen again that night. It was only an hour later when I overheard two older ladies mention the name of Riku that it hit me … very hard. Without meaning to, my comment about his lack of self-control when drunk had been inevitably associated with a traumatic accident he already felt responsible for.

So, for a brief moment, two years ago, I held onto this dream for five minutes that Sungjong and I were what we had been, a semi-dysfunctional couple whose love and passion for each other were stronger than the miserable reality of this cruel world.

With that thought in mind, I grabbed the picture he had left on the grave and put it in the top pocket of my cardigan. Walking slowly in the dreary December weather and getting myself ready for the long drive to our CEO's house tomorrow, I looked up to see my lover, waiting by my car.

"Everything all right?"

"Sungjong is in town." And that's all that needed to be said. Yeollie already knew what that meant. No matter how long we had been together, Sungjong was the elephant of our relationship. Neither spoken of at any event in the entertainment world nor acknowledged in the privacy of our four walls, the specter of my relationship with our maknae who had saved me from myself followed my every move. Even though Sungjong moved on, I had not, and Sungyeol was very well aware of it.

Fighting back the wave of nostalgia that threatened to overcome me, I fastened my seatbelt. Ignoring the choding's stare demanding my unwavering commitment, I looked in front of me at the road leading to our apartment, haunted by images of my ex-lover, with a hole burning in my chest.