A/N : this took longer than expected coz i can't seem to stick to my outline. otl

Also I should probably put a disclaimer that i know nothing about the reality of the entertainment business and this is all just what little knowledge i have from being a fan and reading all sorts of tabloid. i’m not even a business major. i still do a lot of research but i know it can never be enough when it comes to the ever shady showbiz. should anything be false, or inaccurate in any way at all, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment about it or just message me in private. i would gladly appreciate it!

 

---

 

 

Monochromatic Hearts

 

 

It would have been a peaceful morning had Junmyeon not rip his covers off of him. "What the -"

 

"You told him to abort the baby?"

 

Jongin squints at the enraged man, his eyes still crusted with sleep and head painfully throbbing. Did he drink last night? He's too disoriented to even form a coherent thought. What day is it even?

 

"I can't believe you," Junmyeon continues to fume, pacing the room as he mumbles something to himself. "Irresponsible, self-centered, inconsiderate..."

 

Jongin curls in on himself as he starts to feel the chill, shutting his eyes close as he tries to assimilate Junmyeon's words. Irresponsible? Baby? Told him?

 

Too goddamn early.

 

"What time is it." Jongin says with a raspy voice, a hand now clutching at his pounding head. 

 

"Was that why you asked me to bring you over to his place? Jongin, this isn't what we had in plan." Junmyeon chides, his arms flailing around.

 

Finally having found the strength in his muscles, Jongin sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed, his messy head looking around for the time. The clock reads 6.15 a.m. "Junmyeon, what time is my recording session?"

 

"Jongin listen, you are going to meet him, and you are going to apologise."

 

"Who am I apologizing to and why?" Jongin rubs his eyes tiredly, but freezes as he finally catches on. ", did I drink last night? What did I do?"

 

Junmyeon is quiet for a good few seconds, discerning Jongin's realization with a frown on his lips. "You made Kyungsoo upset."

 

"How?"

 

"Said he's the only one who wants the child. Although I doubt the people there understand what you were talking about."

 

Jongin groans into his hands, his headache aggravating if that is even possible. Drunk Jongin was at it again. Someone should really put a limit to how much he drink before he does anything stupid like creating another baby again. 

 

"Then who told you I wanted the child gone?"

 

"Sehun texted me just now."

 

Jongin groans even louder. What best friends don't keep each other's secrets.

 

"You should be grateful Jongdae hasn't found out about this. God knows he would chop your head off if he gets the chance. Sehun only told me."

 

He definitely doesn't need that, thank you very much. Wordlessly, Jongin shuffles his way to the bathroom, a furious Junmyeon at his tail. "Why would you even suggest that to him?"

 

"Isn't it clear enough?" Jongin turns around, eyebrows scrunched together as he grabs his towel from the rack. "I don't want it."

 

"You could've just opted out of responsibility instead of--"

 

"You think that's enough for me? You told me that it's so easy for the media to learn of this, and everything I've gone through for the past years would be reduced to nothing just like that."

 

"Kyungsoo wants it. You don't have the right to tell him what to do with it."

 

"Then what about me?" Jongin breaks, desperation laced in his voice. "You guys hardly even consider how I feel about all this. So fine, we had without protection, we made a mistake. My career is more at risk than his. I have so much to lose, Junmyeon. Exactly what choice do I have anymore?"

 

Junmyeon says nothing to that. 

 

"You think so too." Jongin sighs.

 

"But telling him to get rid of it is not what we're gonna do, Jongin. Kyungsoo wants to keep it, we will work on accommodating him. And you."

 

"What about me?"

 

Junmyeon sighs. "I think it's best we consult with the senior management team."

 

"We're going to tell the agency?"

 

"So they would know what to do should the journalists ever get a hand on this. At least they can arrange a backup before the issue blows up and causes too much damage than can be saved."

 

-

 

Recording doesn't go as smoothly, and the producer keeps asking Jongin to repeat the same verse over and over again until he's semi-satisfied with the result. Jongin can't say he's not at fault. He knows he isn't feeling the best today, and it's unfortunately channeled through his job. He's just thankful he doesn't have to put up with fans for the day, not knowing if he can fake a smile in front of them.

 

This song should supposedly be included in his new mini album allegedly two month from now, hence the rush and need for it to be perfected as soon as possible. Their agency takes pride in the global quality of the songs they produce, right from hiring international producers down to casting the best of the best, creme de la creme, of the thousands of talents that come their way. 

 

Jongin is one of those talents.

 

"Can you repeat from the first bridge again? I need a good transition before you go to the chorus. Or do you need a break?" The producer asks over the microphone. Jongin shakes his head and gives him an OK hand sign, revising his lyrics script. The producer then directs the sound engineer beside him to play the music at a specific time. Jongin takes a deep breath before releasing it, gathering his work mode while he waits for his cue to sing again.

 

-

 

"Next month?"

 

"Yes," Junmyeon says, walking by Jongin's side as they head to the SUM cafe. "So while your market value increases and fans are hyped about your new comeback, the attention is mainly diverted. Journalists will work hard to find your flaws, but just keep it low for now. That's what they said."

 

His comeback would be pushed up by a month? "Are they sure they don't wanna meet me? Or Kyungsoo?" Jongin speaks his doubts out as they get in the VIP lane, one that outside customers aren't allowed to use.

 

"They're busy enough as it is, Jongin. You have another schedule to attend to as well. Let's just say you're in good hands."

 

That doesn't make him feel better. In fact, nothing makes him feel better when he knows the foetus is steadily growing in Kyungsoo and the fact that anytime a journalist could find out about him.

 

"You're going to Kyungsoo's this evening." Junmyeon announces, cupping his hand so only Jongin can see him talking. The cafe is packed as usual, not with just the staffs that work there but also fans that are hopeful to get even a glimpse of their favourite idols.

 

"I'm what?"

 

"You need to apologize to him."

 

Jongin huffs indignantly, his jaw clenching. He knows if he tries to work his way out, his will voluntarily be handed to Jongdae's and that smells like bigger trouble. "Is he even home tonight?"

 

"Sehun said he'll make sure of it, but he won't tell him you're coming. He has no schedule tonight, apparently."

 

"You planned this all out." Jongin gives the elder male the stink-eye.

 

"I'm your manager, Jongin."

 

-

 

Sehun turns his head this way and that, appreciating the bleached hair on him. Kyungsoo picked a really good shade of blonde on him he can't thank him enough. His filming is set to start in another few hours, so while waiting for the crew to touch up the set, Kyungsoo bleached his roots back and styled up his hair while Sehun studies his script, making notes where necessary. 

 

"'Does it matter that we're not in love with each other? We're doing this for the sake of our parents'."

 

Kyungsoo snorts, dealing with a stubborn few strands of Sehun's hair.

 

"'We're the perfect match. You will never find a man more capable than me'."

 

"Are those really your lines?" Kyungsoo asks in a hushed tone, amused.

 

"It's my concept, apparently."

 

Kyungsoo smiles. "What's the heroine's line after that?"

 

Sehun looks back at his script, searching through the lines. "'Perfect match? I beg to differ. You can't even clean up after your own mess'."

 

"The hero sounds like a jerk." Kyungsoo remarks, bending over a little to closely check Sehun's makeup after finishing with his hair.

 

Sehun takes the chance to hold his gaze with Kyungsoo. "Don't you think he sounds familiar?"

 

Blinking, Kyungsoo raises his eyebrows at him. "Who?"

 

Sehun merely smiles, looking back in the mirror. "I think I'm gonna wear blue contacts." He says, and soon Kyungsoo is rummaging through the duffle bag for a small pouch, handing Sehun the lens case. 

 

"Give him some time." The idol says as he puts on the contacts, blinking several times to adjust to them. He notices Kyungsoo freeze in his spot. "He probably looks like an to you right now, but give him some time."

 

His makeup artist seems to not want to acknowledge that, busying himself with tidying his makeup organiser. "I don't think he's an , Sehun." 

 

Sehun gives him a long, hard look before it dissolves into that of empathy. "Of course. Of course you don't." 

 

-

 

Kyungsoo loves his job.

 

Of course, while he can't say the same to the hectic schedules he has to conform to that comes with being the makeup artist of a top tier idol, he still loves what he does. He doesn't spend three years at a beauty academy to be something else.

 

Soon enough, the director looks for Sehun and they go through the script together, being guided by the experienced director. The female cast is a head shorter than Sehun, but she's pretty nonetheless. Kyungsoo stares at her face a bit too long, admiring the flawless no-makeup makeup look. He wonders what kind of lip tint she uses on her lips. Her long hair is swept over her shoulder, flaunting her fancy earrings.

 

Although doing a male idol's makeup is fun, sometimes Kyungsoo dreams to style long hair and fix extra long lashes on women, putting on bold colours on their lips and other stuffs that are limited when it comes to male makeup, at least within the industry where genders are heavily pronounced. He hates this societal norm, but there's nothing much he can do about it. That is why he often experiments by himself at home and uploads them on his Instagram at times, although he hardly opens the app anymore due to Sehun's frantic schedules. 

 

He especially loves glitters. There was one magazine photoshoot held at a flower garden and Kyungsoo was so pleased he could put some glitters on Sehun's face, just enough so they shined whenever the sun rays hit them. That was by far his favourite photoshoot, not just for its androgynous concept but also the nature backdrop. It brought out his work so well Sehun almost looked like an ethereal creature out of this world. 

 

Kyungsoo prays for Sehun to be offered similar photoshoots in the future. 

 

That is... while he still can work.

 

"How are you feeling today?" Baekhyun comes up to his side, munching on a breakfast bar and offering Kyungsoo some. Kyungsoo rejects it, saying too much sugar makes him feel nauseous. 

 

"Good so far. I ate some saltine crackers this morning, so I don't think I'll feel sick today."

 

"Have you gone to an obstetrician yet?" Baekhyun whispers.

 

"No," Kyungsoo says, eyes fixed on Sehun who is now practicing his lines with the female cast before the actual shooting begins. "I think it's fine not to go now."

 

"But you're almost 2 months along, aren't you? Shouldn't that call for a consultation with a doctor?"

 

Baekhyun's words hold some truth, unfortunately. "I'll try and get myself an appointment soon. Don't worry about me, Baek." His friend hums, then changes the topic to which Kyungsoo's grateful for.

 

They chat while observing the shooting, throwing light hearted comments about the scenes. They stifle a laugh whenever Sehun forget his lines or when he can't control his expressions. Whenever the director shouts cut, Kyungsoo would go over and checks Sehun's makeup and hair, making sure nothing is in a disarray while Baekhyun checks for creases and lints on his jacket.

 

Whenever Sehun offers him an appreciative smile, Kyungsoo feels accomplished.

 

-

 

3-B-05.

 

Can't say he's happy to be here again. 

 

Jongin has been standing there for a good 5 minutes thinking of ways to apologize to Kyungsoo without sounding insincere. He's still not sure what he should be apologizing for, but he guesses embarrassing the elder male in a public restaurant should call for a good start. He's not entirely sorry for telling him to get rid of the alien.

 

Sighing, he thinks he should just get this over with since Junmyeon is waiting in the car downstairs. 

 

He's about to knock on the door when said door bursts open and he's faced with an equally surprised Kyungsoo.

 

"J-Jongin?"

 

"Kyungsoo... Hi."

 

Blinking in disbelief, Kyungsoo glances around and Jongin is starting to think it's a habit of his. "I'm alone."

 

"Do you... have a reason why you're here?" Kyungsoo enquires, his face painted in all sorts of confusion and partly of which Jongin recognises as apprehension. Is he perhaps scared of Jongin being here? People have shown all sorts of reaction to seeing Jongin; excited to death, disappointment, starstruck - but never fear.

 

Scanning Kyungsoo head to toe, he notices the pullover and a pair of jeans and a shopping bag. "Are you going out?"

 

Kyungsoo looks down at his shopping bag, as if avoiding Jongin's eye contact. "Uhm, I realised I ran out of soap, among other things. Forgot to buy them on the way back." He says with a shrug, fixing his round glasses and then his bangs.

 

Jongin stares at him mutely, because he really has nothing to say. It's also probably a subconscious thing that he eyes down Kyungsoo's stomach area before looking up again and finding out that he's caught for it. "Um."

 

"Why are you here?" Kyungsoo says with a slight defensive tone, eyeing the idol with wary. Jongin supposes that is an expected reaction considering the disagreement between them. He still has no memory of what he said last night, but if Junmyeon's words are anything to go by, then he reckons that Kyungsoo's hurt by it.

 

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He lowers his mouth mask, taking in the skeptical look given his way, and tries not to be too affected by it. Kyungsoo spares the bag in his hand a glance.

 

"But I need to shop some stuffs..."

 

"I can ask my manager to buy them for you."

 

"What? No, please, I don't want to give him any trouble."

 

"Junmyeon won't think it's trouble." He is already taking out his phone and opens up his notes, shoving the phone to Kyungsoo. "Just list them down here, and be specific if you can."

 

He doesn't take the phone right away, so Jongin grabs his hand and places it there. "Consider it you making time for me." Kyungsoo stares at it for a long while before he starts typing.

 

It doesn't take longer than 2 minutes, and Jongin observes the way the smaller male keeps pushing his glasses up amidst his typing. As it may be, 2 minutes are probably long enough for the idol to stare at Kyungsoo's clothed belly again, picturing a bump underneath thanks to Jongin's one goddamn successful . Oh god, what if they're two sp--

 

"Here." Kyungsoo hands back the phone to him, worrying his lower lip. "Please say my thanks to him."

 

Jongin does a quick scan of the list, finding it a lot more normal than he would have expected. Kyungsoo did a good job trying to make it as specific as possible. There's wholewheat bread too, and a box of Cheerios. Screenshotting the list, he sends it to Junmyeon and his manager responds with a simple OK.

 

"Let's talk inside?" Jongin pleads.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo mumbles small apologies as he picks his stuffs up and tosses them somewhere else while Jongin stands in the entryway. Perhaps noticing a newly arrived but familiar scent, Winter struts her way to Jongin and just sits in front of his feet, demanding a greeting. So Jongin pats her on the head once and steps over to the living room. 

 

When Kyungsoo marches to the kitchen, Jongin follows him just to say: "Just water, please." Because he knows boiling the water will steal his time.

 

That's how they find themselves on the same low table again, two glasses of water atop, and a black feline on Kyungsoo's lap.

 

"How are you doing?" Jongin begins, just to warm himself up. 

 

"I'm okay." Kyungsoo nods, blinking up at Jongin guardedly. Jongin doesn't blame him for acting that way. 

 

"My management team had a small discussion." Jongin finally says, taking note of Kyungsoo's curiosity. "They're mapping out some possible solutions should this break to the media."

 

Kyungsoo waits patiently, blinking up at Jongin with a glint of hope. Jongin isn't sure he can conform to that hope. He was fine tuned to deliver up to people's expectations, and even exceed them - but he can't promise the same thing to the man before him.

 

"I won't tell you to... terminate the pregnancy anymore," He winces as he speaks, evidently unwilling. "But I'm not in its favours either."

 

Kyungsoo however seems pretty grateful for it. "That's more than enough for me."

 

"I am... advised to share the responsibility--"

 

"You don't have to." Kyungsoo interrupts, then realises his crudeness and proceeds to mumble a small apology. "I'm sorry. But you don't have to. Really. It's enough for me that you at least know this child is yours."

 

I still hope it wasn't, but Jongin bites back the retort. He's here to apologize, not make the air between them more tensed. He believes he doesn't possess the same amount of humility as Kyungsoo, having been showered with so much praise and love, and the one he shows on air is nothing if not half an act.

 

"Do you intend to raise it? The baby." Jongin asks out of curiosity.

 

Kyungsoo looks like he can't believe Jongin would ask such a thing, but he tries to mask it albeit a bit unkemptly. "Yes."

 

"Alone?"

 

"If I have to... then, yes."

 

Jongin has so many questions. "You do know you won't get to work for Sehun anymore if you chose to raise a child, right?"

 

"I'm aware," Says the makeup artist, resolved, as if having this discussion tires him out. "I'll probably be ready by then."

 

"How are you going to raise it if you don't have a job?"

 

"I'll think of a way." Kyungsoo says. "You don't have to worry about it."

 

Jongin almost wants to retaliate that he doesn't really worry about it. Instead he just stares at the elder male as if he's grown two heads. Giving up a dream job just to raise a kid?

 

"Why?"

 

Offering the idol a bitter smile, Kyungsoo thumbs the rim of his glass. "You wouldn't understand, Jongin."

 

Jongin doesn't press much on that. "I'm sure you understand why I insisted abortion as the better choice." He expresses, earning a reluctant nod from the other male. Sighing, he continues. "But I don't think it'll ever change your mind, now will it?"

 

"I'm sorry." Kyungsoo mumbles. "I'm keeping it. I- I'll try my best to lay low."

 

"I'd actually appreciate that."

 

There's a set of knocks on the door then, and it's Junmyeon carrying Kyungsoo's items into the kitchen. Kyungsoo keeps apologizing and thanking him, making Junmyeon wave it off with a warm smile. He doesn't forget to glare at Jongin before exiting, though. 

 

"Ah, I don't recall wanting yogurts..." Kyungsoo mutters to himself.

 

"It's probably on Junmyeon."

 

"But this is too much..." Kyungsoo claims, going through the bag. He takes out a few bottles and arranges it at the side. Hesitantly, he takes a bottle and hands it to Jongin who just stares at it questioningly.

 

"Why are you giving it to me? My manager bought them for you."

 

"They will expire soon if I don't consume it in the nearest future." He says, then looks a bit uncertain. "But um, if it bothers you that I'm giving it to you, it's fine..."

 

Jongin frowns at the remark. Does he make himself sound like he hates Kyungsoo? Hate is such a strong term; indifferent is more like it. It's just that he supposedly is carrying Jongin's child, an unwanted one, and that's the only thing that maybe puts him off a bit. He doesn't hate Kyungsoo.

 

He grabs the bottle from the elder male's hand. "I'll- I'll take it. Thanks."

 

Kyungsoo offers him a small smile, and Jongin wonders if that's how much he'll get. He's seen Kyungsoo give bigger smiles at other people. 

 

"I'm sorry for last night." He suddenly finds himself blurting out.

 

"Last night?"

 

"Um, Junmyeon said I said some terrible things." Jongin has to fight an embarrassed blush while explaining himself. 

 

"It's fine," Kyungsoo shakes his head. "People tend to do that."

 

"No, I mean- I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, in public or anything like that."

 

Unexpectedly, Kyungsoo grants him a warm smile for the first time that night - or ever. In a flash of thought, Jongin thinks it suits him very well. Kyungsoo looks good with a smile.

 

"There are a lot of things we don't mean to do or say when we're drunk, Jongin."

 

-

 

"Quite a while you're in there." Junmyeon addresses a bit sarcastically once Jongin gets in the car. "I half expected you to be there for like, 2 minutes."

 

Jongin rolls his eyes, not caring to shoot back with a retort.

 

"Why do you have a bottle of yogurt with you?"

 

Looking down at the bottle in his hand, Jongin snorts. "He insisted I take one."

 

"He's really too nice for his own good." Junmyeon shakes his head, beginning to drive. Jongin has to admit he shares the same sentiment.

 

-

 

The first time Kyungsoo threw up, he blamed it on the lack of energy. 

 

It was right after he had done Sehun's makeup for a fashion brand launching event. He rushed to the toilet as soon as he felt something rose up his throat, threatening to escape his digestive system.

 

The second time it happened, he secretly bought a pregnancy test kit while their van driver stopped by a convenience store to grab some cans of coffee. He knew he should've seen this coming, knew right from the morning he woke up with a jolting pain in his back that he just did something terribly, terribly atrocious. 

 

The twin coloured lines that appeared on the stick were downright appalling.

 

It didn't help that he didn't know if he could tell anyone about it, given the fast-paced living he had to catch up with. Just to make sure the kit wasn't giving him a false positive result, he bought a few more and tested them every single day for a week, and on each day those double lines never ceased to appear.

 

He was pregnant. Kyungsoo was unquestionably pregnant, and for the sake of God he didn't know what to do.

 

That was 7 weeks ago.

 

As he watches Jongin sloppily put on his shoes, he can only wonder how devastated the idol must have been to have learnt that he would soon be a father, unwillingly. If not by legal documents, it's by blood.

 

Jongin doesn't even spare him a glance as he goes down the stairs. Kyungsoo would have been fine with it if it wasn't for their circumstances - if it was just the idol in one universe and him as a makeup artist for another idol in another universe. Too bad they're in the same universe, in the same circumstances, with completely different ways of perceiving it, of taking it.

 

He closes the door with a heavy heart, ignoring Winter as she looks up at him. While clearing the table, he remembers Jongin asking him if he wanted to keep it, the first time he came over. Tonight, the idol asked him why.

 

Kyungsoo couldn't formulate the answer right away, not because he wasn't certain himself. He's so sure Jongin wouldn't understand.

 

It was a couple of weeks after figuring out that he was bearing a child that he really came around to accept it. The arrival to such a decision wasn't an easy process; it took a lot of self-blame in between emptying his stomach in a random public washroom, and the guilt of knowing he has potentially killed a dream. A dream that constitutes years of mentally and physically exerting training while waiting for a chance to debut to the world. A dream that has hundreds of thousands of loyal followers and young souls looking up to a dancing icon. A dream that breaks past records with even better ones the coming achievement. A dream that makes Kim Jongin, Kim Kai. 

 

A dream that Kyungsoo bears witness to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

---