Monochromatic Hearts

 

 

 

Jongin sighs as he grabs the towel handed to him by a staff, wiping down his body from all that water. The waterproof makeup still sits taut on his face, and he can’t wait to remove all of it. The commercial product he’s endorsing isn’t exactly his favourite. 

 

He bows and thanks the staffs and the filming crew before being ushered by his manager into his car. Their domestic flight is in 3 hours.

 

Rummaging through his backpack, he finally found his makeup remover and dabs the facial squares with it. Screw capitalism, he thinks to himself as he reapplies the moisturiser from his favourite brand.

 

“You have a couple of hours of rest before the fan sign starts. I think we can grab lunch in the meantime.” Junmyeons announces. 

 

“Thank God. I’m starving.”

 

It’s quiet in the car and Jongin thinks of snatching a few minutes of nap until Junmyeon speaks. “He passed out.”

 

Jongin frowns. “Who?”

 

“You know who.” Junmyeon sighs through his nose, staring at his phone screen for a second before typing. He’s probably contacting Sehun or his manager. “He didn’t get to eat breakfast before taking flight to Sehun’s show recording in Jeju. Probably overworked himself.”

 

It’s been four days since their last meeting. Jongin hasn’t been thinking much of his situation, either too caught up with his schedule or too tired to remember. He guesses he should be reminded of it once in a while, because apparently it is his child as well. 

 

Just the thought of having a child makes his head spin. 

 

“Baekhyun’s there to help him.”

 

“Look, why are you telling me all this?” Jongin grumbles in annoyance.

 

His manager turns to face him, giving a brief glance to their driver in front. The radio is blaring loud music and it seems their driver is singing along to it and has not been showing any sign of hearing in on them. “Jongin, an accident is an accident, but you have to deal with the repercussions and be responsible about it, especially since it involves someone else as well. It’s not just about you anymore.”

 

“But you don’t have to be updating me everything he does.” Jongin hisses.

 

“I’m going to keep doing it, and you have a choice of whether to care about it or not. I’m just letting you know how your child he’s bearing has been doing so far.”

 

They lapse into a tense silence afterwards, and it successfully sours Jongin’s mood. He distracts himself with some dance videos on Youtube, but the words ‘his child’ keeps on repeating on loop in his mind like a broken record. This unborn baby is cursing me from the womb, I swear.

 

-

 

“Hi! What’s your name?”

 

Smiling widely, Jongin writes down the fan’s name on the album cover before dropping his signature below it. It becomes a bit tiring after the 20th fan if he’s being honest. 

 

The line is long, with 100 lucky fans to greet him up close and hundreds more within the vicinity just to have some shots of him. It takes an army of security guards to maintain order.

 

“Hello, Jongin!” 

 

Beaming up at her, Jongin takes the album handed to him. But before he could ask for her name, she beats him to it, reading something from her palm. 

 

“If you were to have a child, which feature of yours would you want him or her to have?” She asks, her voice shaky from nervousness and excitement at the same time of being in front of her idol.

 

Jongin stares at her quite dumbfoundedly. A part of him has a momentary panic because , does she know? Another part of him has to remind himself that no, fans will ask these stuffs just because they’re curious. No big deal. Get a grip.

 

He purses his lips in thought, pondering over the enquiry. He thinks every part of him is good-looking, from his forehead down to his big toe. He’s very confident in his looks. Maybe his almond eyes can be passed down to the child; they’re attractive. But Kyungsoo has a really nice pair of large eyes too—

 

“My skin colour?” Jongin looks up at her, his smile intact. “Because I’m really proud of it.” It’s not a lie.

 

When the organiser puts the event on hold for him to have a short toilet break, he all but runs down the stage in relief. Some parts of his fingers are starting to grow calloused from holding the marker pen for too long. 

 

After going to the bathroom, Minseok rushes to him with a brush in his hand. “Hold up, pretty boy.”

 

Snorting, Jongin stays still for the shorter male to fix his makeup and hair. 

 

“Doing good?” Minseok asks, his concentrated gaze trained on the top of his hair and inspects it.

 

“Cheeks hurt from smiling for too long.” He lowers himself a bit for Minseok to reach. Once he’s done with that, he pats him on the shoulder.

 

“No charm, no fan,” Minseok smiles, reassuring him that he can go up the stage now.

 

Sighing, he goes up the stairs, hearing the screams grow louder as he takes his seat again. The next fan waiting in line jumps giddily, covering with the album. Jongin shoots her a smile and the girl squeals and turns to her friend behind her to spazz together.

 

No charm, no fan. Minseok’s right.

 

He motions to the security behind him that he’s ready. Another hour of cheeks hurting, it would seem.

 

“What do you look for in a partner? Has it changed in the past year?” A different fan asks.

 

“Changed?” Jongin looks up at her, his pen halted.

 

“You mentioned sometime last year that you want them to be able to cook well because you can’t, and that you don’t mind the physical qualities. Is it different now?”

 

An image of Kyungsoo in a baby blue sweater cooking in the kitchen flashes through his mind, and Jongin is almost positive he’s traumatised. 

 

“No, it’s still the same.” Go for the safe answer. They don’t know a thing.

 

By the time the event ends, he is ushered down by one of the guards, and said guard shoots him a strange look when Jongin mutters under his breath: “I think I’m going paranoid.”

 

-

 

That night, Junmyeon books them both a hotel to stay the night since their flight back is in the next morning.

 

Dinner between the two is relatively silent, both occupied with each other’s phones. It’s only after Jongin finishes his meal that he feels the itch to ask. 

 

“If the media knew, I’d be screwed, right?” He knows it’s hypothetical.

 

“Definitely,” Junmyeon says without a hitch, bringing the carrot chunk into his mouth casually.

 

Well that sure didn’t make him feel any better. “What if the agency knows about it first?”

 

“You mean if the word doesn’t spread among the workers there?”

 

“Sorta?”

 

Junmyeon hums, swallowing his food. “The agency might arrange you with a dating news with another well-known celeb. A lot of possibility can go there. It usually works to divert the attention.”

 

Jongin scratches at his chin, deep in thought. It doesn’t sound very appealing, but he guesses a dating scandal is better than a baby scandal. “How long does it usually last?”

 

“Depends. You might have to endure the scandal for the entirety of Kyungsoo’s pregnancy, or even more just to avoid the public suspicions of other… ‘bigger’ issue.” His manager says calmly.

 

“Okay… But what if Kyungsoo just keeps silent about it?”

 

Junmyeon narrows his eyes at him. “We can’t just rely on Kyungsoo to keep the baby a secret. He’s close with many of the staffs there that works under Sehun. If it got to the wrong person, he or she might tell it to the wrong person, or community. Social media plays a huge role in rumour spread, and it’s the easiest and fastest way until it reaches a paparazzi. You will have eyes everywhere, including the people you’re close with. In this case, it’s Sehun.”

 

“Sehun won’t do anything stupid…”

 

“Of course he won’t. But his team might. Everything’s possible at this point, Jongin.”

 

Wow, I’m really ed. There are so many y traps everywhere no matter which path he plans to take. This is a lot more serious and cumbersome to deal with than when he was faced with the rumours of him having a violent past with one of the trainees a couple of years ago. If he thought that was a lot of a hassle, this is just worse.

 

“, why did he have to be pregnant…” He mutters under his breath, palm meeting his forehead in frustration. 

 

“Because drunk people make the stupidest decisions,” Junmyeon says matter-of-factly. “Well, since it already happened, we just have to man up about it and face it head on.”

 

Jongin curses his drunken self from a month ago, curses his stupid , curses the after party, curses the workshop, and curses Hawaii just because he can.

 

Contrary to Junmyeon’s words, Jongin has a different plan, and it involves not manning up about it and not facing it head on. He knows his idea will only get shot down if he is to ever talk about it with his manager. 

 

He feels like going out for a smoke.

 

-

 

Wednesday finds Jongin back at his apartment.

 

It’s been exactly 2 minutes since he stares at the number in his contacts. Junmyeon sent Kyungsoo’s number last night and even told him to ‘personally ask him so he knows you care’. Well, he doesn’t.

 

His dance practice with his choreographer is over for the day, so that leaves him schedule-free for the rest of the day. Junmyeon doesn’t pester him the past few days about Kyungsoo, aside from telling him those updates from time to time. 

 

A week after their lunch back at Sehun’s house, Jongin hasn’t once contacted Sehun nor even bothered to ask about Kyungsoo. 

 

A week? That makes Kyungsoo one month into pregnancy. Jongin finds himself wondering when in the period of pregnancy do people start to show. Kyungsoo looked perfectly slim back at Sehun’s house.

 

He’s not sure how he ends up stalking Kyungsoo’s Instagram account again, but he makes sure he’s using his other account which is made private, so as to avoid… accidents. Kyungsoo’s account is left untouched ever since the Hawaii workshop photo. Jongin scrolls down and taps on one of the many make up tutorial videos - at least that’s what he thinks they are. 

 

The video starts off with Sehun’s photo, presumably in the middle of a performance. Jongin’s not sure what it’s for. Five seconds into it, Kyungsoo finally appears - and he has the tiniest hint of a shy smile. Jongin narrows his eyes. Is he camera shy?

 

The elder male clips his bangs up, showing his smooth forehead to the viewers. Kyungsoo starts to show his shadow palette and liquid liner to the camera. Oh, he’s showing how to do Sehun’s makeup on himself. He cuts a lot in his video and only shows the necessary steps, and before Jongin knows it, the makeup is done. 

 

Jongin has to gulp because this Kyungsoo guy isn’t a makeup artist for nothing. While he doesn’t resemble Sehun at all, the makeup positively has Sehun’s feel to it, just with Kyungsoo’s touch. The makeup artist leans closer to the camera to show the work he’s done on his eyes, blinking a couple times and Jongin doesn’t realize he’s been pulling the phone away from himself in embarrassment. Kyungsoo soon leans back, tilts his head and smiles then before giving a small wave, and the video ends.

 

Tossing his phone to the side, Jongin throws his head back against the couch, shutting his eyes close.

 

Kyungsoo’s a lot prettier than Jongin gave him credit for.

 

-

 

Dinner finds him having microwave heated chicken in front of his laptop, watching dance videos online. He just came back from the gym after two hours of workout, having bailed out the last two days and feeling guilty for it. Junmyeon hasn’t dropped by that night but he did told him via chat that Jongin has a recording session tomorrow morning.

 

In the middle of eating, an unknown courage prompts him to send Kyungsoo a chat.

 

“hello. it’s jongin.”

 

He quickly flips his phone upside down, whatever form of courage flew out the window and he turns up the volume of his speakers to somewhat alleviate his nerves. It’s not really doing a good job. Five minutes into waiting for a reply, it hasn’t come. Five turns into fifteen, and fifteen to thirty. Jongin gets lost in watching a movie this time.

 

In the middle of his Thor Ragnarok movie, his phone pings. Thinking it’s Junmyeon, he grabs the phone mindlessly and almost drops it when he sees The Name on the sender. 

 

“Hello Jongin.”

 

How do you take back your message from forty minutes ago?

 

Jongin finds himself pacing in front of his ongoing movie playing on his laptop, biting his lip anxiously. He’s been staring at the text for a good 2 minutes. He remembers Junmyeon’s words then.

 

“how r u doing?”

 

“I’m OK.”

 

This is… a lot more difficult than Jongin thought it would be. It’s plain obvious Kyungsoo wants nothing to do with him with how concise his texts are, and with perfect grammar too. In this moment, he chastises himself for even having that sliver of courage in the first place.

 

He’s been thinking a lot about meeting him and discussing on… not going through with it. 

 

“can we meet someday? Personally.”

 

The response doesn’t come immediately, and it leaves Jongin wondering if the elder male is not willing to have a one to one conversation with him. Truthfully, Jongin also thinks it’s the least brilliant idea considering how the air between them is nothing short of uncomfortable, still. Maybe he should just take it back—

 

“Sure.”

 

…Maybe not.

 

“text me your address”

 

-

 

“Take 10!”

 

His entire shirt is soaked with sweat. He trudges over to the corner of the room and grabs his tumbler, replenishing the water in his system after all that perspiration. Pulling out a face towel from his bag, he wipes his sweaty neck and face before rubbing it on his damp hair. 

 

The rest of his backup dancers are huddled together to socialise, but Jongin is too far gone in his mind that talking with his colleagues become less appealing. 

 

It’s been a good 2 weeks since his text with Kyungsoo, and he hasn’t gotten any word from him ever since. He once asked Junmyeon about Sehun’s schedule, and his manager said that the younger idol has been busy with his third tour and photoshoots, and he should be wrapping it up around this weekend. 

 

Jongin stares at himself in the mirror, takes the time studying the idol in him, the one loved and praised by many people, the one who loves dancing so much he doesn’t mind dying on stage, the one who loves to deliver a top notch performance and blow people away with it. He imagines being in the center of the stage, the heart of the crowd, the burning in his chest as he hears the screams for his name. It’s his world out there, and in his world, everyone loves him. Hell, even antis spend their free time actually going through his content and making the effort to go to his articles to leave some unpleasant comments, just for his sake.

 

It’s indeed Kim Kai’s world.

 

And in Kim Kai’s world, everything’s perfect. 

 

He goes over to the speakers and replays the song, not caring that their break isn’t over yet and the dancers are still trying to get back their energy. Jongin needs to remove the jitter in his muscles and sitting still is not going to do it for him.

 

As his music reaches the part where he’s supposed to do a solo dance, he gives the fiercest of look in the mirror, before breaking into his routines. There’s more force in his dance this time compared to when being supervised by his choreographer, because right now, instead of trying to remember what steps he should take next, he’s just letting it loose. He’s just letting himself go.

 

The room is booming with the audio and the squeaks of Jongin’s shoe soles against the vinyl flooring. The rest of the dancers merely watch him and break into whispers amongst themselves, knowing how much of a dancing beast Jongin can become once he’s absolutely immersed in it.

 

He’s turning, making crocheted moves with his hands, until a certain male pops up in his mind. 

 

And from then on, he can no longer move, halting himself as he frowns at his reflection in the mirror. The music is still playing, but his muscle memory is failing him. Intrusive thoughts start to creep into his mind.

 

He keeps seeing himself in bad articles, keeps feeling things being thrown at him in animosity, having so many malicious comments attacking him in every article that pops up about him, having all his castings in shows cancelled on him. 

 

He keeps seeing the name ‘Kim Kai’ associated with ‘expecting a child’ and ‘non-celebrity’.

 

It’s no longer his world. It’s just one big catastrophe, one big tragedy.

 

And Jongin’s certain he doesn’t want that.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo’s latest text arrives on a Monday.

 

“I’ll be home tonight and tomorrow night.”

 

Jongin confirms with Junmyeon about his schedules first before replying to it.

 

“tomorrow night sounds good.”

 

-

 

The next day, Junmyeon willingly offers to drive him there. The idol is convinced that his manager thinks he’s going there to check up on Kyungsoo, but he doesn’t want to burst his bubble.

 

Jongin fixes his shades and makes sure his mouth mask is completely covering the lower half of his face. Pulling down the hoodie, he steps out of the car and subtly glances around before entering the complex. 3-B-05, 3-B-05, he chants in his head, taking up the stairs to the third floor. His manager waits in the car.

 

The apartments are located in the more secluded part of the town, with narrow routes leading up to it. They use Junmyeon’s personal car to get there, for a lot of reasons. Junmyeon didn’t pry on him on what he should do, and he guesses it’s for the best. Jongin’s sure his manager would flip knowing his true intentions coming here.

 

3-B-05. There’s no doorbell. He raps his knuckles on the door and knocks thrice. 

 

When the door opens he’s met with a bespectacled Kyungsoo, an oversized shirt draping his figure. “Ah, Jongin.” He sticks his head out and glances around.

 

“No one knows I’m here.”

 

“Oh. Um,” Kyungsoo opens the door wider. “Come in.”

 

Jongin doesn’t have any expectations coming here, but this place is a huge damper compared to his luxurious living. He guesses it’s a really different world outside of show business. He removes his shades and lowers his mouth mask. 

 

“Can I make you a drink?”

 

Jongin turns to the elder male with surprise. He guesses he should’ve expected the hospitality, but the way Kyungsoo looks unsure of himself is making him feel a tad bit uncomfortable. “I guess.”

 

He watches Kyungsoo rush to the kitchen and pour some water from the kettle into a teapot. The smaller male might have already boiled the water prior to Jongin’s arrival. Jongin occupies himself with studying the interior of the one-room apartment. The paints are chipping off, and he can’t tell if the couch used to be cream-coloured or if it has always been that brownish. There is not even a dining table, just a small Japanese table situated in front of the television. He has a theory that that is both the dining table as well as the coffee table.

 

Soon, Kyungsoo brings over a tray and sets it down the floor. He fixes a saucer and a cup on the small table before looking at Jongin confusedly. Oh right, he should sit. On the floor.

 

There’s only one cup set on the table, and Jongin gives a questioning glance Kyungsoo’s way. “You’re not drinking?”

 

“Huh? Oh, I’ve been told to avoid some teas.”

 

“Oh,” Jongin offers. Because of the baby? He wants to ask, but doesn’t. Instead he silently sips on his tea, careful not to burn his tongue. Placing his cup back on its saucer, he clears his throat. “I thought you make more than this.” He gestures at the entire place.

 

The comment seems to have struck a chord, because Kyungsoo frowns and looks down at his lap. “A lot of my earnings go to buying more makeup and skincare products.”

 

Jongin regards him in silence, not knowing what else to say. He thinks of apologising but that would’ve made things more awkward than it already is. He’s faintly reminded of Kyungsoo’s tutorial videos, just because he mentions makeup. It’s evident that right now Kyungsoo’s not wearing any makeup, or if he is, it’s really light. With those round glasses on, no one would’ve thought this man works in the beauty industry. 

 

Shaking his monologue off, maybe Jongin should just get straight on with the very reason he comes here. He’s about to open his mouth when he suddenly hears the tiniest clinking of a bell. He turns to see the source of said noise.

 

A familiar black furred cat struts its way to them. 

 

“Uhm, that’s Winter. Sorry, I can lock her up if you’re not fond of—”

 

“It’s fine.” He stares at the cat some. Jongin knows that’s the same cat in Kyungsoo’s profile picture on his Instagram. He extends a hand out to it, and the feline sniffs at it curiously before rubbing its head on it, introducing itself to Jongin. 

 

“She likes you.”

 

Jongin looks up at the remark. Kyungsoo isn’t smiling but he does look less fidgety than when Jongin first arrived here. Retracting his hand from the creature, he finishes his tea and declines when Kyungsoo offers to pour some more. The cat approaches Kyungsoo and makes itself comfortable on his lap, the owner petting it gingerly. A constricting silence gradually falls upon them. 

 

“Kyungsoo,” Jongin decides to begin. “Do you really want to keep it?”

 

Obviously the question makes the male in question tense up. “I don’t understand why you’re asking that.”

 

“I know what we’ve discussed back at Sehun’s place. I’m here to convince you to change your mind.”

 

“I- I don’t get it.” Kyungsoo stammers, baffled. “I thought you’re in this with me.”

 

“I’m not. I’ve never been.” Jongin denies calmly. “I don’t know what made you think I’m willing to take responsibility for it.”

 

“I’m… not going to tell anyone about it, Jongin.”

 

“My career doesn’t solely depend on you keeping your word, Kyungsoo.”

 

Kyungsoo looks up at him, his pupils shaky. “Are you telling me to…”

 

Pursing his lips, the idol nods his head solemnly, watching Kyungsoo’s face fall. It’s what he’s decided, and he’s sure he wants to do this. There is no safer way. “I’ll pay you. As much as you want and need- no, I’ll double it for you if it would make you feel better.

 

“As long as you go and get rid of it.”

 

Jongin notes how the smaller male is trembling, his eyes looking everywhere but Jongin. He hates to break it to him this way, and he knows how controversial the issue is to some of the public, but his career is on the line and he’s not about to give that up. He doesn’t care that Junmyeon has already set him in line to figure something out, but if he doesn’t try to convince Kyungsoo himself, he knows nobody will. “It’s for our own good, and you know it.”

 

“I’m not doing it.” The smaller male declares. “I’m not getting rid of it.”

 

Jongin blinks at the retaliation, having expected that the other male would cower under his celebrity status and heed to him easily. He feels himself growing heated, his fists clenched and unclenched on his lap. Of course he knows there’s a possibility his effort would fail, but he hasn’t thought about what he would do afterwards. 

 

Is this it for him? To have come all the way here?

 

“Please, think about it.” He tries again, tries planting the idea into Kyungsoo’s head. When he doesn’t get any response, he his lips and looks away.

 

“I should take my leave now.” Resolved, he gets up from his seat, followed by Kyungsoo. “Thanks for the tea.”

 

Kyungsoo shows him to the door, still hospitable as ever. Jongin thinks that if it were any other person, they would’ve flipped and yelled at him to leave. Why are you so passive?

 

“Promise me to think about it.” Jongin says after putting on his shoes. He watches Kyungsoo stare at the floor, his long straight bangs obscuring his eyes.

 

 “I don’t know what’s there to think about,” The smaller male says, his voice small. Jongin doesn’t miss the way he places a hand on his abdomen. “I’m not murdering my own child.”

 

At the word ‘murder’, the idol stills. He doesn’t like that term. 

 

“I prefer the word saving ourselves.”

 

And with that he turns to leave, but Kyungsoo’s last words are hard to miss.

 

“You just want to save yourself, Jongin.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

A/N : the original outline for chap 3 was a bit different than this but it was too angsty so I scratched it out. After a lot of rewriting, I like this version the best, I hope you do too. also, im sure yall kinda hate jongin right now 

Anyway, comments, subscriptions and upvotes are highly appreciated!! And thank you for the 200+ subs omg