Monochromatic Hearts

Four walls. Barely enough space. Too much warmth.

There’s someone else, and he’s panting? Jongin isn’t so sure. His vision is blurry, mind befuddled, too hard. Why is he begging him to slow down? Jongin can hardly feel anything. It’s all just clouds to him. Clouds and more clouds, and maybe a bit of skin. But the warmth -  the warmth is undeniably insane. It’s messing too much with his head. It’s an out of the world kind of feeling; a euphoric sensation.

“…Slow down, p-please…!”

Why must he do that? Who is this guy to tell him what to do? What are they doing together anyway?

“…Jongin!”

He shoots his eyes open to the white of his ceiling, blinking slowly into consciousness. It’s been a while since he wakes up sweaty in the morning, and he doesn’t know how to feel about it.

Because that wasn’t a dream.

Jongin lifts up his sheets, and isn’t surprised to see his little friend there.

-

He engages in a staring contest with his own reflection in the mirror as he brushes his teeth, feeling stupid for it but he doesn’t know where else` to channel this unpleasant sensation crawling on his skin. Jongin brushes too harshly he can taste a bit of blood in between all that foam in his mouth. 

Spitting it out and rinsing his mouth afterwards, he lets the tap water run as he shuts his eyes in irritation. 

It wasn’t a dream. It was a memory, part of it. And Jongin hates the fact that it serves as a reminder for him, a slap in the face, an affront to him that he just ed someone into pregnancy.

Of all ing things.

He splashes some water to his face, images of a bespectacled man looking so diffident with himself flooding his head, and he splashes harder before gripping the faucet tightly. It’s been in every crevice of his mind. If it isn’t the baby, it’s Kyungsoo, and these two things have always just persisted in his thoughts like a stubborn crease. 

Kyungsoo wants the child. Jongin doesn’t. Where are they supposed to go with this?

-

At thirty thousand feet in the air, cottony clouds and nothingness become their scenery, with a little hint of peeking sun rays. 

Junmyeon has been throwing him worried glances now and then, but Jongin doesn’t have it in himself to recount what he did back at Kyungsoo’s place to him. He guesses he should be grateful his manager isn’t probing him for answers and explanations.

The burden of keeping it to himself, however, is starting to make him feel sick.

-

“Can we change rooms, please?”

“Sorry but we can’t do that. Even the rookie groups don’t get their own room. Please understand.”

The concert manager explains to Jongin, a bit impatiently too, before he goes off to check the other rooms and says something to his walkie talkie. Jongin sighs, messing his unstyled hair exasperatedly. He goes back to where his waiting room is, scowling at the paper stuck on the door as if it offends him immensely. 

KIM KAI

OH SEHUN

Once he pushes it open, he stomps his way to his seat, making a point not to talk to anyone unless they’re his team members. Minseok immediately fusses with his makeup, scolding him for having ran off just now leaving him hanging with his brush. Not in the mood to retaliate, Jongin silently broods and glares at his own reflection in the mirror before fooling with his phone. 

A laughter breaks out in the room then, and he looks up to see Sehun’s team has gathered together. Jongin isn’t curious of course, but the jovial mood never ceases between them and it is a huge contrast compared to the gloominess clouding Jongin’s air. Minseok asks him to stay still to put on the liner. 

His concept for SMTOWN today is modern fighter for his comeback song that year. Luhan has readied his sleeveless top with a low V neck cut, small stones creating an intricate pattern around the shoulder area and fades out toward his chest. A waist obi-like belt made of leather hugs his waist snugly, allowing a teasing exposure of his chest if the top is to ever part. The beautiful top is coupled with wide black flowy pants. 

To complement the outfit, Minseok decides to place some silver coloured rhinestones under the corner of his left eye and some on his left cheekbone, fixing them with lash glue. It’s a bit itchy, but Jongin thinks he looks desirable. Once he finally wears his blue contacts, he’s sure his fans would go delirious.

Minseok trims his undercut and sweeps his black hair to the side to flaunt the stones on his face. After an hour or so, he is deemed done. 

“I look like .” Jongin studies himself in the mirror, admiring the makeup and outfit. He quite likes this look on him so he pulls out his phone and snaps a quick selfie, planning to upload on his Instagram after the concert is over so as to keep the surprise.

They still have 3 hours to go until the concert starts, and on the other side of the room, Sehun is  debating why he should wear the see-through blouse while Baekhyun has a different idea that definitely doesn’t involve see-throughs because “It’s not your concept today!”

In the end, Sehun loses and pouts all the way throughout wearing the crane embroidered navy bomber jacket made of satin, coupled with a pair of tight ripped jeans. He would’ve complimented Sehun for how good he looks if it weren’t for his makeup artist being in the same room.

Six days after the little meet-up, no one has confronted Jongin yet about him telling the smaller male to go through abortion. Jongin has a theory that Kyungsoo didn’t tell anyone about it, acting as if the meeting never happened at all. Kyungsoo hasn’t sent him any text either that suggested he will or had done it.

Does this mean they still have to go through with it? 

Jongin feels an incoming headache just thinking about his situation. Still in his seat, he messes with his phone idly, his eyes occasionally looking through the mirror at Sehun’s team. Kyungsoo has his glasses on, and he’s wearing a graphic T-shirt and a pair of black jeans, appearing very casual. 

The sight is almost surreal, because Kyungsoo is actually laughing at what Sehun said while doing his lips. Sehun keeps teasing him by shoving a different coloured lip stain to him and being rejected again and again while Kyungsoo uses the one in his hand. 

Then the idol points at Kyungsoo’s lips, probably asking what product he’s using on himself and Kyungsoo fishes something out of his pocket and shows it to him. Sehun takes the tube from his hand and motions to himself, earning a laughter and a headshake from Kyungsoo. 

Jongin frowns uncomfortably at the entire exchange, resisting the urge to mess his styled hair. He’s not supposed to have a muddled mind right before a show. In an attempt to clear his head, he decides to step out and see their stage. 

Right after rising from his chair, a voice calls out to him. “Looking great, Kim Kai!” He turns to Sehun who’s having his hair styled by Kyungsoo, shooting a naturally playful smirk as he returns the compliment. He then catches Kyungsoo staring at him through Sehun’s mirror, and the male quickly averts his gaze and feigns focus on Sehun’s hair.

What the hell was that? Jongin gives him a once over before leaving the room.

-

Outside is flooded with over hundreds of staffs trying to get everything under control, and occasionally artists who are just wandering to see the situation out there because they’re bored after having their makeup done. When Jongin peeks at the arena, it’s already filled and thousands of colourful lights representing fandoms of different artists resemble stars at night.

Someone almost runs into him and she apologizes profusely before making her way to the other side. It’s hectic like that of a beehive, people are all over the place making sure things are running smoothly and safely. Jongin feels like he might have been a nuisance just standing there and do nothing although he will be one of the highlights of the event later on.

So he asks one of the staffs where the washrooms are and is headed for it, thinking of relieving himself before giving it all for his performance later. No one can dance with their bladder full. That would’ve been a dance on its own.

There are only two users there, and they bow to Jongin in acknowledgment, the idol returning the gesture equally. Before going to the urinals though, Jongin can’t help but to check himself out in the mirror, unduly liking what he sees.

After another minute of being self-absorbed, Jongin finally walks to the urinals and s his fly, relieving himself. The stream doesn’t cut off until about 10 seconds later and he’s about to shake it dry until the door barges open so suddenly he almost jumps.

Fast-paced footsteps falter once they reach the sink and the faucet is full blast while the retching starts. Jongin can’t say he doesn’t feel affected by it, and by curiosity he steals a glimpse of the man heaving at the sink, only to widen his eyes at what he sees.

There’s more retching, and Kyungsoo is gripping hard at the edge of the sink while his friend Baekhyun rubs his back and lifts his bangs up. 

“Done?” Baekhyun asks softly, earning a shake of the head and Kyungsoo throws up some more. 

Jongin tucks his back in his pants and thinks of just running off but he hasn’t washed his hands yet. Hygiene trumps self-pride. But seriously, of all times, why now? 

Sighing, he shuffles his way to one of the sinks, a couple away from the two friends. Maybe they’ve noticed him, maybe they just choose to not give a heed. Anyhow, Jongin manages to wash his hands and dries them with the napkins before turning to them. 

He his lips in apprehension and clears his throat. “Are you… okay?” It’s courtesy, he convinces himself. Just out of courtesy.

The two males look up at him, and Jongin guesses they really didn’t expect him to be there because Baekhyun looks scandalised while the other male is, well, he doesn’t even look up at him. Kyungsoo cups some water and rinses his mouth with it. 

Baekhyun belatedly greets him with a curt nod. “Hi, Jongin. It’s…” He throws a glance at Kyungsoo. “It’s the perfumes. Made him sick is all. You know how it is.”

Regarding him half-heartedly, Jongin studies the male still bending over the sink, shakily panting for air. A few more rinses then Kyungsoo twists the faucet off and takes the napkin from Baekhyun’s offering hand, wiping his mouth with it. Jongin is still standing there, everything and nothing in his mind.

He isn’t sure if he’s allowed to say anything to him. They’ve made a deal which isn’t really a deal, but a silent agreement falls upon them that it’s apparent they’re not on the same page. So, is he or is he not allowed to say something right now?

Kyungsoo never once gives him any form of attention, not so much a glance. Jongin can’t tell how how he looks. Disgruntled? Abhorred? Somehow, Jongin just knows that Kyungsoo is never such a person.

Or is he perhaps ashamed of himself? 

“How are you feeling?” Baekhyun asks him in a whisper, and the other male just gives him a meek nod before urging them both to leave. Baekhyun shoots Jongin a dismissive nod before escorting Kyungsoo out, muttering something to Kyungsoo along the lines of ‘you don’t wanna fix your makeup first?’ and getting a weak ‘not in there’ in response.

And Jongin just lets them leave, because really, where does he stand in all of this?

That’s it. Nowhere. He’s already made the decision. 

Then why is he not at ease?

-

Backstage, he studies Sehun’s performance, always in awe of how his long limbs manage to pull off those sharp sword-like moves so effortlessly. His rapping style is unique, spitting sick verses here and there, complementing the minimal moves with the back up dancers before the song drops and they are all moving in tandem to the beat. The crowd hypes him up by chanting his name as his time for solo dance comes on. Jongin finds himself nodding his head to the beat subconsciously. 

Two songs later, the staffs move about again and this time they usher Jongin to his respective place. Sehun soon comes down from the stage and removes his headset, leaving an encouraging smack at Jongin’s back as he goes.

The VCR is now being played and Minseok keeps checking his hair and makeup while Luhan makes sure the obi belt is secured on his waist should Jongin dances too hard and risks it being broken mid-performance. 

Jongin is jumping on his feet then, loosing all his muscles and absorbing all the excitement from the fans that are now chanting his name. He fixes the headset on his ears and ensures it wouldn’t come off easily before stepping on the spring platform. After giving an OK sign to the security, the platform sets off and he is thrown high in the air before landing with a crouch, revelling in the increasing intensity of the screaming as he finally makes his appearance as Kim Kai. 

It’s all adrenaline from then on, a temporary rush that Jongin finds himself in love with and has been for the past years, because on stage, he is a performer, a dancer, an artist. Kim Kai projects art in the form of music and motions, and heavily thrives from attention and praises. 

The stage is his, and his world is the stage. The audience becomes his lovers, spellbound by his swan like grace one second and mindblown by his staccato moves the next. 

Jongin doesn’t need anything else.

-

Their company dinner takes place at a restaurant nearby, having the entire space booked by one of the staffs for private event. Of course, while not all of them could stay and celebrate together, the venue is still a full house and dishes never cease to arrive and be replaced at the tables. 

Jongin tries to minimize eating too much lest he wants to wake up bloated tomorrow morning. He does take a lot of fish though. His table consists of his team members as well as some of the backup dancers, chatting and cracking jokes at each other. Some are even seen flirting openly, taking advantage of the gathering to get some. 

From where he sits, he can see some tables across and those who are seated there. Well, it’s easier to say Jongin can only see Sehun’s table while the rest are insignificant. Not to say that Sehun’s table is any significant, but well.

Clinking of bottles can be heard as people make their toast for better days ahead. Bouts of joyous laughter and exclamation can be heard booming the scene. Calls and more calls are made for the waiters to take their additional orders. 

Jongin’s there, except he doesn’t feel all that present. His team members are preoccupied with each other’s conversations - more like shenanigans - but Jongin can’t exactly look at alcohol the same way. The last time he was extremely intoxicated, he accidentally made a baby.

And the one that bears it sits just at the table across.

The one that bears it, wants to keep it. If Jongin’s honest with himself, he sees nothing good out of keeping it. It wouldn’t only harm Jongin’s career, it would also harm The One That Bears It himself and not just in terms of health, even though the media vouches to never expose a non-celebrity’s face and name without their permission.

Then comes the dreading issue of having to raise the baby. While Jongin does desire to settle down someday and have children, he just doesn’t think it would be this soon. Kim Kai? A father? Flying penguins would have sounded more realistic.

He can’t imagine breaking the news to his parents. So uh, hey Mom and Dad, you accidentally have a grandchild? That wouldn’t have gone great. Of course they would love having grandchildren - every grandparent does - but given the circumstances, Jongin’s sure he would get a beating first before anything else.

It seems that The One That Bears It is avoiding alcohol as well, for an entirely different reason. His glass is the only glass that has orange liquid in it, presumably orange juice. His bowl of rice is already half-empty, and Jongin doesn’t miss the way Sehun, who’s sitting opposite of him, quietly places a strip of salmon in his bowl and earns a hesitant smile for it. Why does The One That Bears It smiles at Sehun so much? Baekhyun beside him keeps whispering something to him, and the makeup artist keeps shaking his head with a reassuring smile. 

Jongin doesn’t realize he’s been staring, the salad in his hands shredded to pieces because of his restless hands. 

Maybe a smoke is what he needs.

-

After telling Junmyeon that he’d be in the smoking room, he asks for a lighter from one of the waiters there and is told that there should already be one in the room itself. Jongin promptly makes his way there and is pleased to find no one else there. People are too busy getting drunk and making fools of themselves that smoking is the last thing that comes to mind. 

The room is uncomfortably humid, probably at the lack of aeration. He doesn’t bother turning on the lights and just takes the corner most seat. The glass windows supposedly overlook the dining area, but there are blinds for smokers who refused to be seen engaging the act. Jongin is that smoker.

Lighting up a cigarette, he takes a slow drag, briefly letting the smoke cool in his mouth before drawing it into his lungs. The burn is still there but the calming nicotine is so worth it. Jongin is sitting near the window, some rays of light from the dining hall leaking through the cracks of the blinds. 

Taking another puff, he slips his pointer and middle finger in between one of the cracks and parts it, observing the chaos outside that is one of their dancers belly dancing in front of the more obnoxious crowd. Jongin snorts, because he knows that dancer. He hopes someone records it for future blackmail purposes.

His eyes still wander and inevitably lands on Sehun’s table, this time with Sehun facing him and Baekhyun and Kyungsoo with their back. Baekhyun is probably tipsy already because he keeps snuggling close with the person next to him, while Kyungsoo appears very still, occasionally sipping on his glass of juice. 

He’s probably bored, because soon he fishes out his phone and fiddles with it, since everyone else on his table is talking among themselves and leaving him out. It’s possible that he’s not leaving on his own yet because he relies on the team for transport. They usually move in vans. 

Halfway into his cigarette, someone else swings the door open and startles himself as he sees Jongin smoking in the dark.

“Why do you smoke in the dark? Almost gave me a heart attack,” Sehun enters and closes the door behind him, feeling the wall for lights.

“I’d prefer the dark, please.” Jongin releases his fingers from the blinds.

Sehun blinks at him and smiles. “Whatever you need, batman.” He then takes his seat opposite of Jongin, still near the window, as he takes out his pack. 

“I thought you drank.” Jongin tosses the lighter to him.

“Just tipsy.” Sehun catches it and swiftly flicks it on, aiming the flame over the cancer stick. “You didn’t?”

“No,” Jongin stumps the cigarette onto the ashtray and leaves it like that. “Maybe should have.”

“Yeah, what gives, man?” Sehun laughs a little, releasing puffs of smoke into the air. “You never usually skip out on alcohol.”

“Just… a lot to think about.” He shrugs. 

“You sure do have a lot to think about.” Sehun says, flicking the ashes onto the tray as he looks through the cracks. “How do you feel about it?”

“Honestly? It’s all too crazy.” Sighing, Jongin leans back into his seat, contemplating on lighting up a second stick just because he needs the euphoric sensation of nicotine again. “Doesn’t feel real.”

Sehun hums in understanding, smoke coming out of his nostrils at the act. “Maybe because you’re not the bearer, but Kyungsoo seems to have accepted it for a while now.”

“That's because he wants to keep it.” Jongin lets out a heavy sigh, throwing his head back.

At this, Sehun narrows his eyes at him. “Have you guys met up recently?”

Jongin purses his lips together. “Kinda.” When he’s returned with silence, he turns to Sehun. “What?”

“I could be wrong but, you just made it sound like you don’t want it.”

“Well maybe you’re right, Sehun. I don’t want it. And I already made myself clear with him.”

Jongin expects a look of disgust thrown his way, or maybe even a hateful remark, but he forgets that this is Sehun he’s talking to, and Sehun is always level-headed. He sneaks a look at Sehun’s reaction, and the man looks deep in thought.

“This should be the part where I call you an , Jongin. But you’re my best friend, and I thought I should let you know that, things aren’t gonna fall into place just because you want it to be.”

“What are you trying to say, Sehun?”

“I don’t agree with what you said, but I get where you’re coming from. And I also don’t really expect you to completely understand Kyungsoo’s viewpoint, considering how firm you are with what you want - or in this case, what you don’t want.”

Jongin merely blinks at him, listening.

“And here I was hoping I could talk you out into a different plan because we can’t always keep an eye out on his health, given the nature of our jobs. He's 7 weeks along now. There will come a time where he can’t show up at work anymore and I will have to find someone to replace him for the moment, so that’ll leave him temporarily jobless and income-less.”

Kyungsoo is 7 weeks along now? Time flies so fast with his ever busy schedule. Another week and Kyungsoo will be 2 months pregnant, one month away from the end of his first trimester. The baby is growing. The baby is steadily growing. "He should be fine if he stays with his parents,” Jongin suggests. “I don’t see why him jobless should be an issue.”

Sehun gives him a look of disbelief before something dawns on him, making him chuckle, but not in amusement. “I guess it has never crossed our minds to mention this to you. 

“Kyungsoo grew up in an orphanage. He’s orphaned right after birth. He doesn’t have anyone else besides my team.” 

Jongin doesn’t know what to think. Sehun continues.

“And from the looks of it, it seems that he will have to go through this alone, considering how - no offense Jongin - selfish you’re planning to be.”

-

In the end, Jongin drank his problems away anyway.

He’s wasted in no time, finding the most mundane things hilarious and laughing boisterously because of it, joined by his other dancer friends, similarly drunk. 

What is there to worry about? Jongin is at the height of his success, money comes easy as long as he shows his face, twice fold if he were to put on a performance. Love calls come at a rate so fast his agency couldn’t pick them all up. 

He’s living the dream - the dream anyone would only ever dare to fantasize. 

At one point, someone decides to blast some girl group songs and Jongin being the foolish drunk he is starts throwing some moves, and it’s all just one big animal party. There’s only a small number of them who aren’t drinking by choice, and some because they’re driving later.

Insobriety leads to poor coordination, and soon Jongin finds himself toppling over and is on the floor. While that itself is not a problem, it morphs into one when the person who’s sitting right beside where he fell is the one person who has been the cause of the mess in his head. 

Kyungsoo is startled out of his skin at the sight on the floor, and Jongin lets out a drunken giggle. Kyungsoo’s eyes look so big and Jongin is really too drunk. He rolls over and sloppily crawls towards Kyungsoo then before landing flat on his face.

It doesn’t stop him from pointing a finger Kyungsoo’s way, even when his face is kissing the floor. 

“Why am I the selfish one when you’re the only one who wants it, hmmmm?” He says, his words slurred due to the intoxication.

Jongdae and Sehun freeze in their seats. The rest of the people don’t get what’s going on, but they don’t seem as surprised, most of their systems already tanked.

Jongin slowly gets up on his arms. He isn’t sure why the other man looks so mortified, and he sure doesn’t know why that look distorts into anguish. He can only laugh to himself pathetically as he watches Kyungsoo get up and stomp off outside. “Are you running away with the b—”

“I think we can call it a night now.” Junmyeon says, cupping his mouth as he drags a stubborn Jongin and urges their sober driver to come along.

“Why is everyone acting like I’m the bad guy here?” Jongin still manages, struggling to stay upright even in Junmyeon’s hold. 

“I’m not just saving my , I’m saving everyone else’s !”

A/N : this chap was a pain in the to write, but hey, better days ahead!

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