Monochromatic Hearts

 

“Live show will be starting in 20 mins!”

 

Jongin bows in acknowledgement before taking his seat, hearing the door snap shut and he is left alone in the waiting room. Sighing, he grabs the bottle of mineral water on the table beside him and takes some generous gulps, his neck still a little damp from all the sweat from pre-recordings. 

 

Today is his goodbye stage for one of the many music shows. He’ll be busy with preparations for award shows as well as year end stages, and also a potential tour but the agency hasn’t given him any confirmation about that. With this whole mess, at this point Jongin isn’t even sure if he’ll ever get a new tour. He’d like to think there will be because he has learnt a few choreographies for his new songs which have yet to be showcased. If not, then… he thinks he’d be a little sad. It’s not so much about the revenue he makes but it’s the energy he thrives from the crowd as he performs on stage, that is what he likes the most. Of course it can be tiring but if it means he gets to dance again the next day, he doesn’t mind much about the exhaustion it comes with. He already misses performing in front of a big crowd. 

 

He stretches his neck once and lets out a breath of relief, grabbing for his phone on the table. Junmyeon is probably out and about, bored waiting for Jongin’s schedule to end. When he taps on the home button, he blinks at the new text he’s gotten, surprised Junmyeon’s gotten it.

 

There are a few names on there as well as some links redirecting him to their instagram accounts. How very generous of Junmyeon to provide him with that, he thinks to himself. He definitely knows some of these names, and he’s met with them as co-stars or indirect acquaintances, and so he skips some of the names he believes are ‘okay’. Junmyeon also supplies him with the people who work there, and as Jongin casually taps on their Instagram accounts, he supposes some of them are kind of similar to Kyungsoo, as in they have their own follower base due to their makeup skills and whatnot. Some of them look… edgy, to say the least. Like this Z.Tao guy. He hopes this guy won’t be so hard to deal with. 

 

He’s partly relieved now after getting this list of names, for most of them aren’t as problematic, if anything from the news articles about them and the chanced meetings are anything to go by. Jongin is a little skeptical about these LOEY staffs there though, since he’s never really heard about them. He knows about the guy who runs it though. Minseok sometimes casually brings it up as he does Jongin’s makeup and hair. According to the bits he’s heard from his makeup artist, Park Chanyeol is an expressive guy, not in terms of feelings or opinions, but in the way he carries himself. Jongin’s not so sure if he should be worried about the guy, but since he sounds benevolent enough to offer a job for Kyungsoo, he guesses he’s okay. Well, he hopes he’s okay. The photos uploaded by the official LOEY account don’t say much about their staffs. It’s mostly just makeup and hair tutorials as well as product promotions. Jongin goes back and temporarily logs out of his public account, getting on his private one to go to a certain account.

 

He actually hasn’t opened it in a while, so he’s not surprised to see Kyungsoo has uploaded some new videos and photos, seemingly from his work trip to Bangkok. He looks like he had fun there, judging by the small tower of bottles of something questionable he arranged on a table. Jongin’s not sure what they are. Maybe they’re candies or something. There’s also a photo of Thai food from when he presumably had lunch there, but Jongin’s snorting at the comments asking for him to upload a decent selca of his own instead of all these ‘aesthetics’. Kyungsoo must have really charmed them to always want to see his face. 

 

Sometimes Jongin forgets that Kyungsoo is a fan of him and his works. He isn’t sure how deep the latter is into him since he knows the love that fans have for idols vary individually. But Kyungsoo seems like he likes him just for his music as well as his performances instead of liking him to the extent of wanting to know about his private life. He’s actually surprised to know that he had never bumped into him before when the elder male has been working for Sehun all this time, or maybe he had but Jongin wasn’t aware of who it was. And speaking of Sehun… he doesn’t want to even think about him right now. It only makes him feel bitter. The guy having some sort of romantic feeling towards Kyungsoo isn’t even the issue right now, it’s the fact that he acted upon it in secret, after the fact that Kyungsoo’s pregnant with someone else’s kids, with his best friend’s kids. 

 

It would’ve been entirely different if it weren’t for the circumstances they’re in right now. In fact, Jongin doesn’t think he would mind if Sehun was into Kyungsoo and even had an intimate relationship together, but things are different now. Sehun pulling that move on the shorter male in spite of everything is just uncalled for - despicable even, more so because he’s Jongin’s best friend. What kind of best friend does that behind their back?

 

Before unquestionably dropping him as a friend, he’s going to have to sit him down and talk things through, although the friendship is kind of severed now because of what Sehun did. It’s just a question of when, since he knows the other male is busy with his own schedules too. Well, not busy enough to have come over and made out with his own makeup artist at his place, apparently. 

 

“What’s got you frowning, pretty boy?” Minseok knocks on the door and makes his way inside, walking straight to him and taking out a hair brush from his pocket. Jongin sits up straight and lets him fix his hair obediently. 

 

“Have you ever worked at LOEY Salon before?” Jongin blurts out.

 

Minseok pauses before snorting, continuing his work. “No, but I have friends who work there.”

 

“Who?”

 

“Would you even know them if I tell you their names?”

 

Maybe, Jongin thinks. “No,” He says instead before his makeup artist can suspect anything. He shouldn’t have brought that up in the first place. 

 

“Why the sudden talk about LOEY? You’ve never looked like you paid attention whenever I talked away.” Minseok asks, going to grab his makeup case from the table. “Do you know anyone working there?”

 

“N-No,” Jongin hesitates before deciding it best to not potentially giving away about Kyungsoo. “Just asking.”

 

There’s a knock on the door before a lady peers inside. “Kim Kai-sshi, you can be on standby now!”

 

-

 

Thursday night on his first week of his second trimester, Kyungsoo can’t fit into most of his regular clothes anymore without his bump showing. Baekhyun took him shopping two days back and he had to say goodbye to a part of his savings as they’re all used up for new bigger and baggier clothes. He’s seen males going around in tight clothing proudly showing that they’re expecting, but Kyungsoo can’t really do that without feeling all eyes on him. He knows there will be a time where it’s futile trying to hide his bump anyway, especially since he’ll be working at LOEY soon, probably throughout the term.

 

As Kyungsoo stands sideways in front of the mirror , part of him feels sad because he can never wear his favourite outfits anymore. He’s just so round everywhere now, and it’s not helping him feel any better because he’ll be a lot bigger than he is, and to get his body back postpartum will be a huge effort on his part. Kyungsoo feels like crying just at the thought of it. 

 

He pats his bump once, twice, comforting the both of them as well as himself.

 

-

 

After showering and putting on an oversized shirt coupled with a pair of joggers, he returns to the room and almost forgets about Sehun’s gift that came in the mail today. He had opened it on his bed just now and the two infant bodysuits with cute cartoon owl prints greet him. Kyungsoo automatically smiles, but it kind of turns solemn at the thought of the sender.

 

Sehun also included a pair of blue knitted socks that are definitely too big for them to be for the babies. He can only assume they’re for him. Sitting down on the bed, he tries them on and wiggles his toes in them, liking the warmth. He should probably send the idol a thank you text despite the weird air in their friendship now.

 

Instead of doing that right away, he goes back to his bathroom and brings all his skincare products out, and he also opens all his makeup cases and carefully scatters the various palettes, tubes and bottles on the floor. He gets his laptop from the living room and turns it on, and while waiting for it to load, he sits down on the floor next to the bed and sorts the products into those that need immediate refill as well as those that can be put on hold, since he’s tight with money he has that to consider too. He usually prefers having them bought online as he rarely has the time to go and check at the stores, and there’s also the possibility that they’re out of stock once he actually gets to the store. 

 

A ping from his phone has him perking up, going to his nightstand to unplug it from the charger.

 

“junmyeon found a few units near loey. wanna take a look?”

 

Kyungsoo takes a moment to understand what this is about before remembering what Jongin told him a couple of days ago. He leans back against the side of the bed and temporarily abandons his mini shopping spree, typing up a reply.

 

“Sure.”

 

Placing his phone back beside him, he grabs his laptop to place it on his lap, resuming scrolling through the many mask bundles before his phone rings. If that doesn’t startle him enough, then the caller ID on his screen definitely has his eyes widened and his heart beating fast. Is Jongin dialling him by mistake or something? 

 

Hesitantly, he swipes to answer. “H-hello?”

 

“Kyungsoo. It’s me.” The voice has Kyungsoo shuddering out of embarrassment, and he wills himself to not stutter when he speaks again.

 

“Yes, Jongin. You um, you’ve never called me before.” Kyungsoo his lips nervously, not expecting to receive a call from him anytime soon. He thought they were just going to be on a texting basis. 

 

Jongin doesn’t immediately respond, but when he did, he successfully changes the topic. “When are you free?”

 

“What for?”

 

“To look at the apartments?” Jongin says as if it isn’t obvious enough.

 

“Oh…” Kyungsoo replies meekly. “I thought you were gonna send some pictures.”

 

There’s a short silence on the line until Jongin speaks up again. “I mean, that would be okay too I guess, but uh, wouldn’t it be more helpful if you take a look at them in person?”

 

Kyungsoo thinks that’s a better idea. “Oh. Okay.”

 

“…So when are you free?”

 

“Huh? Oh. Um,” He has no confirmed answer, as he has to make sure it doesn’t clash with Sehun’s schedule should he be needed. He only knows up to this Sunday, in which Sehun still has his filming tomorrow through Sunday. “I’ll have to ask Jongdae first. I’ll text you or Junmyeon when I’m free?”

 

Jongin hums in agreement, and there’s some rustling sound on the line and Kyungsoo thought the idol was about to hang up on him when he suddenly speaks again. “How are the babies?”

 

Kyungsoo knows he isn’t asking about him but he blushes anyway at the mere prospect of the idol wanting to know how his children are doing. “They’re fine. Bigger now.” He chuckles, placing a gentle hand on his belly and rubbing it in circles.

 

“…And you?”

 

That has him momentarily pausing, his blush deepening at an alarming rate. “I-I’m okay, too.” So maybe it kind of caught him off guard, because he can’t remember the last time Jongin asked him how he’s doing. Or has he ever?

 

“Are you alone?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Baekhyun’s not with you?”

 

“He’s at his parents’ house.” Kyungsoo answers, still a little high strung that he’s talking to Jongin on the phone like this. He supposes it’s better to get used to it now that it started. Kyungsoo secretly hopes this wouldn’t be the last time Jongin calls him. “He already accompanied me shopping for clothes this morning.”

 

“Clothes…?”

 

“I, um, can’t fit into my old clothes anymore.” He says bashfully. 

 

“Did you buy a lot?”

 

“I… bought enough? I think?” A little achey sitting on the floor in that position, Kyungsoo moves his laptop down and stands up with a small grunt so he can sit on the bed instead. He’s a little heavier now, it seems, although he hasn’t weighed himself and the last time he did was during his second doctor visit. “Did you have a schedule this evening?”

 

“Just gym.”

 

Kyungsoo can hear him yawn. “You must be tired.” He says, feeling a little bad all of a sudden. “Go to bed, Jongin.”

 

There’s another yawn, this time much longer, and when Jongin speaks again his voice is laced with the raspiness of someone who’s tired at the end of their day. 

 

“You need rest more than me.”

 

Kyungsoo blinks, and he breaks into a timid smile, his free hand picking on his covers absentmindedly. “We both need rest, then.”

 

-

 

The city lights are pretty tonight, but that’s not on Jongin’s mind right now as he stares at them from the ceiling to floor glass window in his bedroom, with a phone in his grip and his forehead against the glass. He silently watches the glass fog up from his exhale, before it slowly disappears only to reappear again in a cycle. He has to move to his bed now if he doesn’t wanna end up sleeping against the cold glass. 

 

With the mood light on and main lights off, he shuffles his way to bed and throws himself onto it, sleep creeping in immediately. His muscles are a little sore, and his mind still a little muddled from the call, with an added commitment it comes as no surprise that there’s a lot to think about and a lot to be done, especially knowing that it’s consequential of his own actions. If there’s one thing that can help him through all of this, it is his own family, but he isn’t sure if he’s ready to tell them about it. Kyungsoo needs his help more than ever now, and he’s also reliant of the elder male in some aspects, although he’d rather not acknowledge this. 

 

All he knows is that he should call Kyungsoo more often. 

 

-

 

Kyungsoo tries the blinds curiously, watching it roll up and revealing the cityscape. He looks down in awe, a hand resting on the glass surface. 

 

“How much is the rent here?” He questions, staring at the flurry of people down on the streets. 

 

“Let’s… worry about that later. You just decide if you like it or not,” Junmyeon smiles, and Kyungsoo wants to argue that the main prerequisite of him choosing any of these apartments should always be the price tag, but the manager has already returned to the agent’s side as she briefs him with something important that Kyungsoo can’t hear.

 

They’ve been looking at three units so far and none of them look like they could be within his range of budget, but for whatever reason Junmyeon won’t let him know. He has been on a hushed conversation with the agent and Kyungsoo can’t help but feel a little left out. One of these will going to be his new home so shouldn’t he be well informed about it too? 

 

The first unit was a studio unit, and it’s not big but it is definitely bigger than his old apartment. It only has one bedroom and the living room is adjoined directly with the kitchen without a separate wall whatsoever. In Kyungsoo’s opinion, that would’ve made a lovely place to live, and it’s also just two blocks down the salon, but he’s sure he’s going to gawk at the monthly rent and deposit. 

 

The second one was a serviced apartment and is fully furnished, has two bedrooms and look more like luxury living than Kyungsoo can afford to even consider living there. The building has so many facilities and could even compare to a hotel and Kyungsoo’s bank account was just screaming no at him the entire time. He has been wondering why a serviced apartment though, when he’s preferably looking for a more long term and hopefully permanent stay since he’s planning to raise two kids here. It was nice still, but for a mere beauty therapist like him it’s a little too much.

 

The current one also has two bedrooms, but it’s a residential unit and maybe Kyungsoo’s considering it. It’s partially furnished but it looks more than enough for him who, although has some standards when it comes to interior design, has no actual money to spend on it. He’ll think about buying baby needs and a nursery later when it comes to it, but for him alone, this unit looks nice.

 

“What do you think?”

 

Kyungsoo turns to Junmyeon with a smile. “I kinda like this one.”

 

“More than the serviced apartment?” 

 

“Speaking of,” Kyungsoo draws the blinds back and the house returns to some dimness. “Why did you look for a serviced apartment, though? I don’t think it’s meant for a long stay.”

 

The manager opens his mouth to answer before closing it back, looking thoughtful. 

 

“Did you think I would be moving again?” Kyungsoo asks, a little inquisitive now about the criteria Junmyeon regarded when looking for these houses. 

 

Smiling a little hesitantly, Junmyeon directs him to the sofa. “Do you need to sit?”

 

Kyungsoo regards him a little strangely, before shaking his head. “I’m fine. You haven’t answered me, though.”

 

“Yeah about that,” Junmyeon his lips, looking like he’s choosing his words carefully. “Let’s just say that there has been some… possible arrangements that you might be reallocated to a more permanent stay elsewhere and not… by yourself.”

 

Kyungsoo widens his eyes, more confused than surprised. “What do you mean? Who will I be living with?”

 

“Mr. Kim and Mr. Do?” The lady looks at them expectantly, showing the way outside. “If you’d let me show you to some of the facilities here…”

 

-

 

After looking at all units, they are now in Junmyeon’s car as the manager drives him home. They’ve been looking at a total of four houses, all pet-friendly, and now Kyungsoo’s stuck wanting to move closer to the city or just stay at his old one and risk burning his money away on just commute because the rent there can’t be cheap. At all.

 

“I asked Mrs. Yoon if we could give you some time to think about it, and she said she can, although she won’t put them on hold for long because of the potential loss of a new client,” Junmyeon says while his remain on the road. 

 

“But I’m not informed of the rents… I can’t consider anything if I don’t know how much I’m paying for it.” Kyungsoo confesses.

 

Silence engulfs them for a while with just the local radio tuning in, and Kyungsoo thinks the manager didn’t hear him or something until he voices out. 

 

“Jongin said he’ll handle that.” Junmyeon says deliberately. “I mean, I don’t know to what extent that he will, but that’s what he said to me.” 

 

Kyungsoo frowns. He knows Jongin is going to help him through his pregnancy, but he thinks this is a little too much. “Was Jongin the one who brought up about those ‘possible arrangements’ too?”

 

“Yes, but I don’t know much about the details so you should probably ask him about it.”

 

He isn’t really satisfied with that answer, but he’ll take it for now and will probably text the idol later. “Don’t you think it’s too much? For Jongin to pay my rent?”

 

Junmyeon snorts. “Not really. I’m not sure how well aware you are but Jongin makes more than you think he does.”

 

“No, that’s not the issue here,” Kyungsoo retorts. “Y-You know what I mean…”

 

Junmyeon’s quiet for a while before he releases a sigh. “He’s trying to make up for it - for you, if you can’t tell. And I think you should let him. It’s for your own good, too.”

 

“But still…” Kyungsoo argues weakly. “I get about the twins, but he doesn’t have to feel responsible for me.”

 

“I think he made the right choice, though. It’s not like you guys are suddenly moving in together.” Junmyeon shares his thoughts. “Besides, since you’ll live closer to the city, it’s easier for Jongin to check up on you and the twins from time to time.”

 

Kyungsoo’s not sure but the thought somehow makes him feel a little embarrassed. Being constantly visited by the idol… 

 

Soon Junmyeon pulls up near his apartment complex. “You sure you don’t need lunch? I can bring you somewhere.”

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “Thanks but, it’s okay. You’ve done a lot for me already.” He smiles and tells him that he’ll let him know about the houses later.

 

“Oh, almost forgot.” Junmyeon exclaims before unbuckling his seat belt and reaching for something from the backseat just when Kyungsoo’s about to go up the stairs. It’s a large paper bag, and Kyungsoo blinks confusedly at him when it’s handed to him.

 

“They’re laundered, so you can wear them right away.” Junmyeon smiles, but before Kyungsoo could ask him what they are and who they’re from, Junmyeon’s phone rings and he waves him goodbye before pulling out from the parking.

 

Kyungsoo looks at the bag curiously before making his way upstairs.

 

-

 

He should’ve taken up Junmyeon’s offer for lunch, because truthfully he’s a little tired to make his own food, but remembering that he should do it for the babies, he fights his own exhaustion and makes himself a quick vegetable stew. Bringing it over to the table, Kyungsoo takes a spoonful before attending to the bag Junmyeon gave him, but Winter comes up to his side and stares at him expectantly, and he suddenly remembers she hasn’t gotten her lunch yet.

 

Kyungsoo pouts at her and whines. “But I’ve already sat down…” He gets up anyway and pours her some kibbles since she’s already eaten her portion of wet food this morning. Before going back to sitting down he makes sure to have his phone with him so he doesn’t need to move much. 

 

Opening the bag, he expected to see some snacks or food or other stuffs because Junmyeon always buys him things like that, but he’s taken by surprise when they’re not, in fact, food. He takes out the plastic wrapped bundles and unwraps them. There are a total of nine of them, and he doesn’t know what to feel. There are cardigans, all of different colours and designs, and there are also basic coloured tees as well as button downs, three of each, and they’re definitely designed for expecting parents. 

 

Junmyeon wouldn’t have gone out of his way to buy these for him so he doesn’t think they’re from him, and the only other person who the manager knows he’s pregnant is the idol himself…

 

Kyungsoo stares at a particular cardigan before slowly bringing it to cover his face, blushing profusely.

 

-

 

Sehun crosses his arms as he listens to the stage director’s instructions, having a little headache for some reason.

 

Award season has started with this being the first music award show of the year. Although he likes performing, he can’t really say the same about waiting for his turn as well as watching other performances and people going up the stages to receive their awards. Sehun isn’t even expecting to receive any award tonight but if he did then that’s a bonus, he guesses.

 

The rehearsal goes on and after his turn, he goes back to his waiting room for light dinner, and when Kyungsoo comes in, he offers a warm smile at him, and also a spoonful of his rice. 

 

“No, I’m good, thanks.” Kyungsoo smiles and instantly disassembles his makeup cases on the table, getting ready for work. Sehun wants to converse some more but then the shorter male goes back out of the room, searching. So the idol eats his rice in silence, staring at the many cases of makeup and tools before him. 

 

And damn, he’s gonna miss all of this so much.

 

He laughs bitterly, his appetite lost. Dumping his dinner in the trashbin, he goes back to sit and feels himself slowly dying from something, but he can’t let that linger for too long for it might affect his performance later.

 

-

 

“I submitted my resignation letter.”

 

Sehun hears the elder male say, looking up in the mirror to stare at Kyungsoo’s reflection. “Oh,” He offers meekly, the news coming as no surprise. Granted, Sehun expected it to happen a lot earlier, especially after the little advance he committed back at Kyungsoo’s place. “I suppose it’s time.”

 

Kyungsoo smiles a little sadly, or perhaps a little longingly? “Yeah.”

 

Deciding to ignore that, Sehun continues conversationally, watching Kyungsoo carding his fingers through his blonde locks. The air between them is a little awkward now, but it’s nothing unbearable. They lost the playfulness they often shared, and Sehun kind of misses that. “When will it be effective?”

 

“It should be soon, though I hear it’s by next week. Sunny is back, by the way. She’ll replace me immediately.”

 

“So I hear,” Sehun says. He has indeed seen her going back and forth into the SM building, and already had a hint to why. Sunny was his first makeup artist when he debuted, and she’s nice and all, but she’s not Kyungsoo. 

 

“And um, thank you. For the gifts.” The makeup artist mutters softly. 

 

Sehun wants to ask what gifts when he suddenly remembers asking Jongdae to mail some items to Kyungsoo’s address. A smile crosses his face, still staring at Kyungsoo’s reflection.

 

“Funny, aren’t I? Couldn’t even wait until the baby shower to give them.” 

 

“I appreciate it all the same,” Kyungsoo smiles bashfully. “I like them.”

 

The idol can only smile back, savouring their moment together. He doesn’t think he can make it to the baby shower.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo watches the idol fix his mic pack, too many voices around him. He’s wearing a long black fur coat that Baekhyun prepared for him and it is to be removed before his second song with a red satin button down underneath. It’s a hectic situation backstage as the VCR of Oh Sehun is being played to the thousands of people anticipating his performance while the stage director briefs through some instructions so that the idol doesn’t forget, despite having rehearsed twice this morning. Sehun merely nods and nods, biting his lip and his eyebrows furrowed. 

 

Despite being in the industry for four years, the idol still gets nervous at the prospect of doing live stages. Kyungsoo has only been watching by the sidelines, and Sehun still hasn’t grown out of his nervousness, although the taller male doesn’t let it affect his performance of course. He still executes it as if the stage is his, credits to hours of his daily practice. 

 

If there’s one thing only Kyungsoo knows about Sehun, is that the younger male hadn’t intended to make it into the entertainment business. Sehun had little to no passion for music and dance, and only discovered his knack for picking up dance routines when he was a trainee. Sehun once told him he didn’t mind if he wouldn’t get to debut, but the agency surprised him one day when he was presented with a contract. He wasn’t particularly elated, but since it looked like it paid well, he signed it. Sehun didn’t do it out of passion, but he did it for the job itself. 

 

Of course, like anyone, he grew to like the attention and praises, although he still hated being compared to. Kyungsoo had to entertain a lot of his personal rants, since the idol spends most of his time relaxing in his seat being groomed by the makeup artist himself. Kyungsoo didn’t mind, still doesn’t mind, although tonight there has been no such rant and only a strange air between them.

 

It’s a little sad that their time working together is coming to an end soon, with the idol about to go the stage for his performance. As Kyungsoo walks up to the nervous idol to wipe a little of the sweat rolling down the side of his face, he can’t help but to choke on a sob. 

 

Sehun, noticing this, only lets out a smile, his nerves looking gone for the moment. Kyungsoo feels a hand ruffling his hair, and he sniffles as he takes out his brush to perfect Sehun’s brows, only if it could lend him some more time with him. 

 

“Tonight is for you.”

 

That is all Sehun says as the staff now urges him to move to the elevated platform before the VCR ends, and Kyungsoo watches as Sehun gets on standby before he disappears to the stage and the crowd’s cheering intensifies. 

 

-

 

“This way, please.”

 

A girl hurriedly directs him to backstage for final preparations and last minute briefings. Jongin mentally plays the music in his head and moves his limbs to the routines, a new choreography that has yet to be presented to the public and fans. Luhan keeps adjusting the belt around his waist before deciding it best to be replaced with a backup one he kept since the former one slides up too much and may interfere with Jongin’s performance.

 

“If need be, just pull on this strap to tighten it,” Luhan notifies him, and Jongin nods without a word, still repeating his routine. His outfit is that of a black velvet suit with nothing underneath, and a wide belt around his waist to secure the suit together since it is left ed as a tease to the audience. 

 

It’s been a while since he last performed for a crowd that isn’t solely his fans. It feels like his debut all over again, as he tried to win the hearts of many viewers and widened his fanbase, but he’s certainly wiser now to deal with it. As he’s started to slowly loosen up now, that is when he noticed a familiar raven-haired male among some staffs there watching the live on a TV set backstage. 

 

Jongin approaches the small crowd under the pretence of watching it with them, crossing his arms together as he subtly glances at the elder male. Kyungsoo seems engrossed at the idol’s performance, his hands clasped together on his chest. Since it’s a little hot backstage, the pregnant male doesn’t wear his oversized sweater tonight, his lithe figure framed by an oversized graphic tee instead. And he looks… sad. Not teary sad, but longing sad. 

 

Jongin supposes Kyungsoo still cares about Sehun in a platonic way, despite having learnt of his actual feelings. He doesn’t know the full story of it, and he isn’t sure if he wants to. It’s not something he’s a part of, nor does he have any attribution to it, but that doesn’t change his remorse for Sehun’s behaviour.

 

The thought suddenly sours his mood again, which is perhaps bad because he’s about to go up the stage for his turn and if he doesn’t return to his neutral again, it could affect his performance. So he walks away from the TV and does some stretches. 

 

When there’s loud screaming from the crowd and the intermission cinematic song comes on, it signifies the end of the performance, and is soon followed by the announcement of the next award as well as the award presenters. Jongin doesn’t attempt to see Sehun come down the stage, and he still doesn’t turn around when his team applauds him for a show well done, but when he finally does, it is to the sight of the pregnant male handing him tissues to which the idol gladly receives. A cameraman instantly approaches him for an impromptu interview session while he wipes his perspiration.

 

Jongin’s eyes are still on Kyungsoo as he is being led by Baekhyun away from the TV and back to the waiting room, being affectionately side hugged by the other male, probably in an attempt to comfort him or something. Jongin’s not sure why Kyungsoo needs comforting at the moment. 

 

Sehun’s team then disperses as the idol makes his way back to his seat since the award show has yet to end, and Jongin happens to be on the path. So as Sehun walks past by him, Jongin stops him by his arm, the other idol caught off guard at the sudden approach, probably not expecting the tanned male to be there. 

 

“Jongin.” He blurts, his hand pausing in the midst of still wiping his sweat. “Hey.”

 

“Why did you do that?” Jongin cuts to the chase, trying his best to keep his calm. The other idol looks a little puzzled at first before piecing it together.

 

“I’m letting him go, obviously.” Sehun answers calmly, a wry smile on his lips. “Tonight, too.”

 

Jongin doesn’t want to take the implication his mind is perceiving for him as it is, but unfortunately he does and their shared years together as friends with a similar love for dance is no more as he grips the front of Sehun’s button down and pulls him closer so he can heatedly hiss a “You forced yourself on him again?”

 

“I didn’t, but if you’re gonna be an about this too then I have no idea how he’ll be dealing with you through it all.”

 

“You took his reticence for granted.” Jongin tightens his grip and snarls. 

 

“You did it a long time ago and the repercussion brought us all here.” Sehun claims, still with a composure that the other male lacks. “Now tell me, is this really worth the fuss? Because as far as I know, you two are in no such relationship for you to be so worked up about it. It was between me and him.”

 

“And knowing what kind of situation we both are in,” Jongin adds for him as a reminder, finally letting go of him with a scowl. “You’re just as much of an as you claim me to be.”

 

The other male only lets out a scoff of disbelief, and he looks like he has more to say but withholds himself back. Ah, ever the level-headed one. Doesn’t mean Jongin abhors his deed any less.

 

“Good luck on your performance.” Sehun says with a hint of sarcasm, brushing his hair back as he dismisses himself. “Could be your last after all.”

 

That did it. It makes him dash up to Sehun and turns him around, a grip yet again on the front of his shirt, and swinging a fist before—

 

“Kyungsoo.”

 

Jongin blinks when Sehun mutters the name, his fist staying in the air as he notices the other idol is looking past his shoulder, prompting him to do the same and indeed the aforementioned male is there, standing with his arms hugging himself, and looking very much crestfallen at the minor feud potentially turning physical. And if he actually pays attention, the little discord between them has gained some eyes on them, though subtle they may try to be. 

 

If it wasn't for Kyungsoo, this could’ve turned up really bad and even get to headlines, so perhaps Jongin has him to thank, although he would have loved to really punch Sehun in the face. With a huff he lets Sehun go, the other male keeping a wary gaze on him as if worried he might do something a lot worse, but there’s only regret washing over the tanned male now as he presses his fingers on his forehead. 

 

“I’m not meeting him like that anymore, if that would make you feel better.” Sehun says in a hushed voice so only Jongin can hear. “Take care of him, coz’ if there’s one person I know he’d be happy to be in their care, it’s by you.” 

 

He fist bumps Jongin’s chest in a friendly gesture, leaving without another word, and Jongin is left to ponder about the consequences of his actions yet again. He always does that, his brain always just likes to work once the deed has been done, and this forces him to meet with the still frozen Kyungsoo looking a little lost if he should be approaching him or something. Jongin feels like laughing because obviously he shouldn’t if he doesn’t want to make this any worse than it already is. 

 

The announcer has stopped talking and there’s deadly silence before some familiar experimental music is being played and the crowd roars again, and that is his cue. Jongin takes a deep breath with his eyes closed, and when he opens his eyes, Kyungsoo’s still there, looking more worried than let down now as they share a brief eye contact before Jongin looks away and heads to the platform.

 

I damn will.

 

-

 

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-

 

Six days ago

 

Jongin stares at the river outside, at the colourful lights and the streams escaping the water sprinklers as he rests his elbow on the rim of the van window and a hand running through his hair. For being his second home, Jongin has never truly looked out the window much and this is one of the rare times he does, a soft RnB being played on the speakers through his phone’s bluetooth. Soon the river is no more as they approach a set of traffic light and a road junction.

 

He keeps remembering his call with Kyungsoo last night and how… healing it was for him that it lulled him to sleep. 

 

Unlocking his phone, he changes the music and the speakers are now blasting his own songs from his latest mini album. He then opens up an online shopping site, logging in and searching for his personal needs since he’s been running out of them. He’s about to check out with his order before deciding he’ll browse some more.

 

As he scrolls down, a cream coloured knitted cardigan captures his eyes and he taps on it, looking if it comes in sizes. Possibly because it falls under a specific category, it doesn’t come in sizes, and without further thought he adds it to his cart. He looks for more of them under the same category, adding more to his cart and before he knows it, he already has 11 items in his cart and only 2 of them are his.

 

“Are you looking for maternity wear?”

 

He startles as Junmyeon peers in, and turns his phone away from his manager’s sight. He can hear more than see Junmyeon’s teasing grin as he checks out, picks the quickest delivery option and makes an online payment. “Nosy.”

 

“As your manager, I am expected to be well informed of your activities, as nosy as it may sound,” Junmyeon returns to leaning back in his own seat. “I sometimes feel like I’m managing two persons, too.”

 

Jongin peeks at his manager curiously, feeling a little guilty for involving him into the whole babies thing but it’s not like he has a lot of time in his hands to do it on his own, and he can’t ask just anyone to help since that would spell trouble. Junmyeon seems willing enough to help him out and even if he doesn’t say it aloud, he’s really grateful to his manager.

 

“Did he say he needs more?”

 

“Not really,” Kyungsoo precisely told him he bought enough for himself, but as someone who has kind of seen his sister’s pregnancy with Rahee, Jongin’s sure the elder male will be needing more to expand his maternity wardrobe, especially since he’s carrying two.

 

Jongin wouldn't mind if he needs more.