Monochromatic Hearts

 

 

 

Jongin grew up a shy and introverted kid.

 

For this, his high school peers often found him distant and unapproachable, and the knowledge that he was an idol trainee made him all the more out of their league. Jongin was never cold, though; just shy. As soon as classes finished, he silently made his way out and was picked up by his father so he could head over to SM building for training. It was rather a journey, hence the move.

 

Vague and mostly uneventful, high school wasn’t as fun for him as it should be for kids his age. It was mostly classes, training, a bit of high school events that he attended (since he never got to attend most of it due to training). Not having many friends allowed him to stick to his schedule without worrying over his social life.

 

Approaching his debut, he was made to grow out of his shyness to allow more room for interactions with fans and the public. He grew to love the attention and therefore thrive in it, learning of his strengths and making full use of it. He still stuttered at times, especially during his early debut, but he grew out of it, flourished, and is fine-tuned in every aspect an idol should have. He has matured.

 

But he’s currently questioning this maturity as he stays still, frozen in his seat.

 

The cold is biting, but it’s not as bad as the sudden fall of atmosphere in the living area of a certain apartment unit. The ticking of the clock buzzes loud in their ears, and almost muted noises from the television dissolves into white noise, drowning the sets of rapid heartbeats neither would admit to have. 

 

The school crest on the left pocket of Kyungsoo’s school jacket stares back at Jongin like a ghost of the past, picturing himself wearing a similar jacket nearly eight years ago - or has it been a decade instead? What’s for certain is that, high school is old memories. Very old.

 

“Don’t kid with me.” Jongin barely speaks above his breath, above the incessant beating of his own heart. He has not lifted his gaze from the damned school crest at all. “We never met.” 

 

“You just don’t remember.” Kyungsoo’s voice is delicate, as if he is toeing the line very carefully but is also expecting this reaction out of him. His hands fidget with the sleeves of the jacket, eyeing the idol warily.

 

“You came to SM,” Jongin says, quieter. “Tell me it’s not for me.” He finally braves himself to look Kyungsoo in his eyes, and the latter quivers with realization. 

 

“It’s— It’s not like that… Jongin, it’s not like that,” He hears Kyungsoo deny, but Jongin’s tired. Tired from the day, tired from work, tired being here. With his forehead cradled by his palm, the sigh he releases is deep, thoroughly jaded. His mind is blank, as if all the rationale and monologues he’s had with himself are suddenly diminishing into nothing, and he’s back to square one. 

 

It comes automatically as he drags his feet towards the door, as if on pilot, that he needs to leave. Passing by the pregnant male he feels a light tug on his shirt, and he pauses.

 

“If you leave now,” There’s a hint of shivering in his voice. “Would you come back?”

 

It’s conflicting him. It’s conflicting Jongin how Kyungsoo’s pale fingers tremble as he tugs at his shirt, how he looks downcast and is ready to break, although he knows if anything when it comes to the elder male, he wouldn’t break. But Jongin… Jongin would break.

 

“I don’t know, Kyungsoo.”

 

He doesn’t wait for the other male to let him go as he pulls away and resumes to the door. Jongin hastily slips into his shoes, uncaring if the heels of his feet ruin the back of his shoes, laces untied. He helps himself with opening the door, stealing a final glance at the elder male who is still standing in the living area, the school jacket still hugging his frame, left ed due to the bump. His soft eyes are apologetic, lost, sad, but he doesn’t say anything nor does he move from his spot, letting Jongin see himself out. The shutting of the door leaves a loud reverberation in its wake.

 

-

 

The idol rids of his cigarette out the window and presses down the accelerator, the cool wind from outside brushing his cheeks and hair harshly. The roads are empty, a sleet of snow littering the tar. It’s not the best time for driving but he doesn’t care.

 

His body is made warm with the nicotine in his system as well as the heater, but contradicting the warmth is the breeze outside entering through his open window, and Jongin lets it. He needs something to mess with his senses; he needs distraction. He perhaps needs to intoxicate himself with something stronger too, but he’s a professional as much as he’s a workaholic, and he isn’t about to attend work with a crippling hangover the next day.

 

Professionalism, he scoffs. If there’s one thing he fails to do when he’s around Kyungsoo, it’s being professional. Just the sight of the man has his guard down, and things have been getting a lot personal with him lately. Too personal.

 

He has long forgotten to tone down his presence, his cap and mask tucked in his coat pocket. White puffs of smoke escape his nostrils and mouth after he takes a long drag, vaporizing into the stagnant air and the coldness outside. 

 

-

 

Kyungsoo eyes the streets down below, his breath making the glass fog up. It’s cold. Is Jongin cold? He hopes the idol keeps himself warm. 

 

He is still in the old school jacket; it gives an extra layer of warmth to him, so he does not bother taking it off. The youth that lives within the material of the blazer has Kyungsoo reeling with bittersweet feelings, something you wish to remember for a long time but not wanting to go back to it at the same time. A reminiscence. It’s a funny concept humans fall in love with, because in truth there is nothing substantial about mentally reliving the past. Often times it makes you dissociate and worse, tease an old wound open - it makes daydreaming sound more plausibly acceptable. 

 

Sometimes he wonders about all the alternatives life could take him, all the possibilities had he not encounter that one trainee in the men’s washroom eight years ago. Would he have applied for that job opening at SM? Would he have worked for someone else other than Sehun? Working for Sehun was not a part of his career goal, so to speak. He had nothing long term on his mind at that time, it was all pure adrenaline rush right after graduating from the beauty academy - a rookie mindset.

 

Jongin was right about him for one thing though, and Kyungsoo can only assume the idol has the worst presumption about him right now. Maybe that’s the thing that drives him out the door. So technically, maybe Kyungsoo was the one who chased him away.

 

He makes his way to the bartop where there are still two pieces of sweet potatoes left uneaten sitting atop a plate. They’re cold now and Kyungsoo’s not hungry. He brings the plate into the fridge. He should probably heat it up for breakfast tomorrow. 

 

He soon finds himself dragging his feet into his room and turning off the lights, and without taking off the now one size too small school jacket, he curls himself on the bed, burying his face into the pillow and wishes he could cry it out, but tonight, he doesn’t.

 

-

 

Junmyeon hums to the girl group song on the radio as he takes a turn into Jongin’s residence and goes up the car park. The snow has melted a bit and it leaves behind puddles of water on the streets. The residence management allocates two parking spots for Jongin on the 3rd floor.

 

He grabs their breakfast and locks the car before going to the elevator. It’s chicken, and it will probably be Jongin’s only meal for the day since the idol usually avoids eating near his performance hours due to risks of bloating and fatigue. He has texted the idol to get ready for a last minute stage rehearsal at the venue later. 

 

Finally arriving at the doorstep, Junmyeon taps on the security keypad and it beeps upon granting him access. He pushes the door open only to pull a grimace a second later.

 

“God, I thought I told you to open the windows if you were going to smoke,“ He closes the door and takes off his shoes before placing their breakfast on the dining table. Upon the sight of the idol slumping on the couch with his gaze still trained on the television without acknowledging Junmyeon’s presence, the manager sighs. He frowns looking at the ashtray on the armrest, full of ashes and cigarette stubs.

 

“Have you washed up?” The manager asks but he doesn’t wait for Jongin to answer as he sees the idol sporting a 5 am shadow, still clad in just a pair of boxers and no top. “Obviously not. I brought breakfast so go and eat.” He makes his way to the curtains and tucks them to the side, letting light enter the apartment before opening the windows. The cold, stagnant air does little with improving the aeration, so he goes to find the switch for the ventilation fan.

 

He does all that and when he turns around, the idol hasn’t moved an inch. He isn’t smoking anymore but a pack and a lighter still sits by the side of the sofa, as if ready at his disposal. Junmyeon crosses his arms. “Are you okay, Jongin? You don’t usually smoke this much on a performing day.”

 

“I’m fine,” The idol bites out, finally getting up the couch and heads to the dining table. Junmyeon frowns at the attitude.

 

“You know you can tell me things, right?” He tries softly, approaching the idol who is now sitting and taking out the box of chicken from the plastic bag. “Why did you binge smoke? Did something happen last night with Kyungsoo?”

 

“Coz’ I can’t get drunk, Junmyeon. Nothing happened.”

 

“Then why do you look so upset?” The stench is still somewhat strong and he resists the urge to cough. “You didn’t smoke around Kyungsoo, now did you? I’m sure you know it’s not good for the babies-”

 

“Don’t mention his name.” The interruption catches Junmyeon by surprise.

 

“Are you two fighting—”

 

“He’s a stalker.”

 

Junmyeon’s eyes widen in utmost surprise at the accusation. “Now I’m sure that’s not true.”

 

“He’s a stalker, just like everyone else. He’s no different.” 

 

Junmyeon notes the grave tone in Jongin’s voice. That’s the tone of a lost man and Junmyeon thinks that ah, maybe he is going through a stage of denial. Again. Just that this time, he’s less hostile about it. There’s something about the idol right now that just seems so tired. “Are you going to talk about it with me? Or do you want me to leave you alone?”

 

“It would be nice if you could leave me alone on this.” Jongin replies dully, picking on his chicken with lack of enthusiasm. “I’m not in the mood to talk.”

 

Junmyeon nods and takes a breath. “Just get ready so I can drive you to the venue later.”

 

-

 

Kyungsoo gently cards his hands through the raven locks, tucking half of them to one side and the other half to another, evaluating the length in between his fingers and ensuring it is the same. The lady hums, pleased and when he meets eyes with the client through the mirror, she smiles.

 

“That’s just the way I want it,” She says, turning her head this way and that and Kyungsoo promptly takes a hand mirror and reflects the back of her head in the vanity mirror. “Are you new? Usually that Key guy takes me.”

 

“Ah yes. I’ve only been here for two weeks,” Kyungsoo shoots her a smile, removing the cape off her. 

 

“Well I hope you can work here for a long time, Kyungsoo-sshi,” She gets up from her seat and comes closer to the mirror for some more adjustments to her look before offering the male a friendly smile and thanking him, taking her bag with her to go to the cashier. 

 

Kyungsoo manages a polite bow as much as he can with the bump in the way. A compliment from a client goes a long way, he realizes. Beauticians don’t often get praised for their work because they are expected to be good at it without being told to, but at the end of the day they’re humans too and need reassurances from time to time.

 

“That’s Chanyeol’s old friend, Yuna,” Amber half-whispers to him as she does another client’s hair beside him. “She helped him start the salon.”

 

Kyungsoo makes a non-committal hum as he cleans up the place and watches Chanyeol arrive downstairs to chat with her for a bit. She did say she knows of Chanyeol but Kyungsoo didn’t know their friendship went way back. “Do you need help with colouring?” He turns to Amber.

 

“Nah, I’m fine,” Amber grins and returns her attention on her client, her gloved hands steadily taking strands of hair and pasting it with dye. 

 

After cleaning his hands and drying them, he instinctively rests them on his belly and pats it, remembering that there is something he needs to do.

 

-

 

Amber as usual invites him for lunch together and Kyungsoo takes up the offer but saying he has to see Chanyeol for a while.

 

The office hasn’t changed much except now there is a small pot of cactuses sitting near Chanyeol’s iMac. The man asks him to come in, casually scrolling through something on his phone and Kyungsoo thinks that maybe he isn’t that busy today. Otherwise he’s always out of the office for some work outside like meeting suppliers and attending conventions. 

 

“Um, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo calls hesitatingly, unsure if he should have brought something for him because the request he has in mind is considerably heavy. “I have something to tell you.”

 

“Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn’t be here, would you now?” Chanyeol places his phone down on his desk before intertwining his fingers together, feigning professionalism until he chuckles. “Come sit.”

 

Kyungsoo awkwardly does, seating himself on the single chair before the desk. Chanyeol’s silver hair still doesn’t look like it’s been combed today, and he’s starting to think that’s the idea.

 

“How’s work so far?”

 

“It’s good,” The pregnant male nods to himself. “I think I’m doing well.”

 

“Self evaluation is nice and all, Kyungsoo, but a good client feedback is what I need,” Chanyeol grins. “It’s business after all.”

 

“Y-Yes,” Kyungsoo nods swiftly, a little flustered. 

 

“But I don’t think you have to worry about that so far coz’ like you said, you’re doing pretty well.” Chanyeol laughs by himself, and frankly Kyungsoo isn’t sure what’s so funny about that but he plays along anyway with an awkward chuckle. “You really think I’m a mean boss.”

 

“No, sir- I mean, Chanyeol.”

 

“Ease up. I like to get friendly with my employees.” He then presses the intercom, calling for Bora. 

 

“I can tell,” Kyungsoo mumbles under his breath. He listens to the call and apparently Chanyeol is asking her to get one of their assistants to come up with tea for two and Kyungsoo almost wants to decline the offer but seeing as this is his boss, he might as well be quiet about it and just take it.

 

“So what is it that you wish to tell me?” Chanyeol is now leaning back in his swivel chair, eyeing Kyungsoo expectantly. The hairstylist gulps in anxiety, fiddling with his thumbs on his lap.

 

“Um, my doctor told me to get a maternity leave, starting from the end of March.” He watches his boss nod thoughtfully, but he doesn’t say anything so Kyungsoo continues. “I can request for a doctor’s letter if you need it…”

 

“Sure, you do that, Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol reaches for the table calendar and flips a few months, making a noise to himself before he turns on his iMac to look for something. Kyungsoo waits for his answer patiently, feeling a little small even with the twins in his womb.

 

No later, there is a knock on the door and Sana comes in with her signature bright smile, carrying a tray with two cups of tea and coasters. She greets them a good afternoon and places the beverage on each side of the desk. It smells like ginger.

 

“I read that it’s good for morning sickness,” Sana smiles before her face falls. “Ah, but it’s afternoon…”

 

Kyungsoo stifles a chuckle, thanking her and she leaves with a small wave, leaving the two men in the room again. He cups his hands around the warm porcelain cup but not drinking it just yet.

 

“When are you due again?”

 

Kyungsoo looks up when Chanyeol voices again. “It should be May-ish…”

 

“Hm, Amber did tell me you’re having twins so I guess that’s understandable.” He trails off in thought, scrolling down something with the mouse. Kyungsoo assumes he’s looking at a calendar and planner. “Since I’m a good boss that cares for his employees’ well being, I’m granting you that leave. I’ll have to find a replacement in the meantime. I will still need that doctor’s letter, though, for record purposes. But you’ll be back, right?”

 

“Yeah, of course.” Kyungsoo manages a small smile, somewhat relieved now. He starts to sip on his ginger tea, wincing at the strong taste of ginger but not completely hating it. He then remembers about that ambiguous plan Jongin had for him, and he tries his best to hold back his tongue because frankly he himself doesn’t know what that plan entails. He’s not even sure anymore if Jongin will still let Kyungsoo live where he lives now after the idol left his home last night on a rather bad note. 

 

“Lovely,” Chanyeol makes a gratified noise and starts to lift his cup of tea. Kyungsoo notes that his boss likes to make those noises for some odd reason. “Pretty sure I forgot but where do you live now, Kyungsoo?”

 

Placing his cup back on its coaster, Kyungsoo rests his hands on the edge of the desk. “K Apartments. Two blocks down.”

 

“Oh. Huh, I think one of us lives there too.” Chanyeol narrows his eyes at nothing in particular before returning them to Kyungsoo, smiling. “Will you have someone to take care of you? Or did Sehun hire a maid or something? You’re gonna need someone to give you those massages. Oh hey, you can always dial us up, we have experts anyway.”

 

Kyungsoo stops listening after the mention of Sehun’s name, feeling a little awkward having to correct it but he might as well does. “They’re- They’re not his kids…”

 

Chanyeol goes silent for a while as realization hits him. “Oh. Sorry. It really just became an automatic thought since- ah, never mind. My bad.”

 

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo smiles, obviously a little uncomfortable now. He wishes to return to Amber for their lunch together. Getting chummy with his boss isn’t his feat.

 

They drink the rest of their tea in silence since Kyungsoo doesn’t dare to excuse himself without his employer dismissing him first. 

 

“Hey,” Chanyeol begins after a rather pregnant silence, leaning his forearms on his work desk and Kyungsoo can see the phoenix tattoo. “Just letting you know that should you need any help at all, don’t hesitate to tell me.”

 

Chanyeol’s words should not mean anything more than his desire to help but Kyungsoo cannot help how he feels a little cornered, as if he’s such a fragile little thing that needs to be handled with care every single time. He doesn’t like to be seen as weak. 

 

“Do I really look that hopeless, sir?” The term slips but it doesn’t sound strained. “With all due respect, Chanyeol, I am perfectly capable of handling myself - being pregnant with two kids is not a burden to me.”

 

Kyungsoo snapping has Chanyeol widening his eyes before letting out a snort, looking not at all offended nor troubled to have caused the hairstylist to snap. “You’re not hopeless at all, Kyungsoo. I am just saying that as an employer, I look out for my employees’ well beings, especially ones that I intend to keep for a long time. Say… a favour for a favour?”

 

Kyungsoo really wants to say that getting that paycheque is enough of a favour for him, but he doesn’t want to hurt his boss’s feelings and risk getting on his bad side some more, so he merely nods and murmurs a quiet ‘thank you’.

 

-

 

That night, the year end music festival is being broadcasted live on one of the major TV channels. 

 

Kyungsoo has a bowl of dry cereal on his lap as he waits for the second half to start. He’s not even sure when Jongin and Sehun will perform or if they have already performed in the first half and he missed it, but he keeps the show on anyway since he has nothing better to watch. 

 

He checks his phone once again to see that he has no new texts or missed calls from the idol himself, so he opens up their convo and types a brief ‘Perform well’, deleting it and retyping with ‘Good luck’ before deleting that too and settles with a simple message. His thumb hovers over the send button as he contemplates, and when the second half commences on the TV by announcing the lineup and hyping up the audience, Kim Kai’s name happens to be there.

 

Kyungsoo taps send.

 

—And realizes too late that his thumb did that without going through his brain first and now the text has been received by the idol but not yet seen. He huffs and drops his phone on the other side of the couch, somewhat regretting having that short-lived courage last night and telling him how he really feels, nearly exposing himself bare.

 

All that talk with Baekhyun spurred him to cross that one line neither of them dared to discuss, and it felt right because Jongin has been confusing him these days so he just wanted something that would really push the idol to give an answer to him but he didn’t. It’s like you sent a message expecting an answer only to be left on read. Like right now.

 

The idol has seen the message 3 minutes ago but he didn’t give an instant reply.

 

-

 

“Fighting”

 

Jongin closes the convo and returns to his Spotify, shutting back his eyes as he lies on the sofa trying to get a nap before his turn. It’s made hard because someone else in the room is blasting their music on speakers for the whole room to hear and it’s downright annoying because the other team that shares the room with his just had to be that team.

 

He heaves out a sigh and sits up, taking out his earphones and getting up. Sehun is seen paying attention to his phone while his new makeup artist sings along to the music while she does the idol’s hair. It seems that the music comes from the phone on the desk which does not belong to the lean idol.

 

Jongin reaches forward and grabs the phone, stopping the music and putting it back on the desk before facing the sitting male who looks up at him confusedly.

 

“It’s basic decency to be quiet when someone is trying to sleep in the same room.” Jongin bites out before shifting on his feet to go back to his sofa but is stopped by a hand. He turns back to Sehun who glares up at him. 

 

“Apologize to Sunny,” The sitting male says. “That was rude.”

 

Jongin scoffs, rolling his eyes. “It was rude of you guys first for disturbing my nap. Screw off.”

 

“Apologize to her.” Sehun presses, gesturing to the woman beside him who pauses to stare at the two of them, and the glare does nothing to scare Jongin. Sehun isn’t intimidating in the least.

 

“Protecting your new makeup artist now, huh?” Jongin bites out bitterly. “What, moved on from your previous one already?”

 

That struck a nerve and now Sehun is getting up from his seat so he can push Jongin in the chest. “What the hell is wrong with you to act like such a conceited ? You’re the one lacking basic decency here.”

 

Jongin looks away and scoffs. “, I know,” He mutters through his teeth, barely audible above his breath. “He should’ve known too before saying that…” He messes with his own hairdo, uncaring if he would get lectured by Minseok later for it before turning away. 

 

This has Sehun narrowing his eyes at him and he grabs hold onto Jongin’s arm to stop him from walking further. “Are you talking about Kyungsoo?”

 

“Who the else?” The profanity in his words has Sehun releasing his hold on him, and Jongin calls out for Junmyeon to find him a smoking room.

 

-

 

Junmyeon found him a room and Jongin all but power walks there, immediately lighting his stick and taking a long, heavy drag of the carcinogenic smoke into his lungs before exhaling deeply. It’s thankfully empty, but it does reek.

 

He plays with the lighter, flicking it on and off, watching the flame appear and disappear as he smokes and lets his body sag on the couch. 

 

No later there is a knock on the door and Sehun peeks inside. “Do you mind?” Jongin doesn’t answer so Sehun makes his way inside and shuts the door. 

 

“My turn isn’t in another two hours.” Sehun says, taking a seat on the opposite chair, across the room. His hair is half done and a month ago Jongin would have laughed but now it only annoys him.

 

“What do you want?”

 

Sehun spares him a long contemplative stare. “Kyungsoo wouldn’t tell me things anymore. Not as much.”

 

Jongin suppresses a scoff, rolling his eyes as he lightly hits his cigarette on the ashtray. “Don’t think you’re gonna get it from me either.”

 

Sehun reaches out a hand and turning it palm upwards. Jongin regards him apprehensively before fishing out the pack from his pocket and tossing it to him with the lighter. Sehun opens it and takes a stick and lights it, taking casual light drags unlike Jongin. “That’s fine. I get updates from Baekhyun or Junmyeon. Sometimes from my own manager.”

 

“Of course you would.” Jongin mutters.

 

“And they told me you both are fine, that Kyungsoo seems happier with how you’ve been to him lately.” Sehun takes another drag before continuing, resting his arm on the back of the couch. 

 

Jongin pretends he doesn’t care, but it’s hard. It’s hard to ignore the fact that Kyungsoo likes being under his care because he can see it. If Kyungsoo has been trying to hide it then he’s doing a terrible job at it, but he doesn’t think the elder male even thought of trying.

 

“Are you jealous or something?” Jongin attempts to divert the focus away from him, inhaling another drag and watching fumes escape his lips. He hears a half-hearted chuckle from the other male. 

 

“You’re dramatic sometimes,” Sehun points out. “Though it mostly shows that you care.”

 

“I’m dramatic, I’m temperamental, what else,” He rolls his eyes at him. “Keep ‘em coming.”

 

“Who called you temperamental? Kyungsoo?” Sehun asks, before letting out a loud snort. “Did he lie, though.”

 

“What do you want.” Jongin repeats himself.

 

They left themselves quite a long silence, filling the vicinity of the room with unhealthy amounts of smoke until someone decides to break that silence. “You seem scared, Jongin. You always run away if you’re scared.”

 

Sehun says it so easily, describing the chaotic waves of emotion swelling in his chest, the uncertainties he keeps to himself. A complicated little thing, his heart is.

 

Not being able to cope with the loss of fans and fame, not being able to dance anymore, potentially losing a job; those were old fears. Still there, but they’re muted. Being a ty father of two, not treating Kyungsoo right, and most importantly, not being able to be the family Kyungsoo needs…

 

“What are you running away from this time?” Sehun asks, his tone sincere. Maybe Jongin misses this between them.

 

“It was just supposed to be me taking care of him and the twins. It wasn’t supposed to be more than that.”

 

Sehun stares long and hard until he decides to spare him a smile, knowing, but bitter. “Likeable, isn’t he? He makes it so easy to like him yet so hard for us at the same time.”

 

Jongin blinks, instantly reminded of something familiar.

 

“Does that mean you find me likeable too?”

 

He didn’t mean to give an answer back then, but to just chide away at the thought of being asked in the first place. Now that he thinks about it however, he has already answered him that he is indeed likeable, but it should not have meant that Jongin liked him back. Maybe Kyungsoo was waiting to hear that part, so that snowy night was nothing more than a push. 

 

“I don’t know what he wanted to hear,” Jongin mumbles out loud. "So, well, I ran away."

 

“Well, I'm not sure what he said to you but," Sehun says. "Instead of wanting an answer, maybe he just wanted you to stay."

 

-

 

In the end, Kyungsoo’s text message was ignored for nearly a week.

 

Tonight marks the end of the year and the beginning of a new one, and Kyungsoo spends it at home, waiting for the countdown to start as he cleans up Winter’s litter. He invited Baekhyun over but apparently Sehun has work so the stylist needs to tag along. It’s just him and Winter.

 

If he’s being truthful to himself, he is mildly upset Jongin has not contacted him this past week. Kyungsoo assumes the idol needs some space, so he is more than willing to give it, although it does make him a little sad not being visited nor receiving a text to say that he’s doing fine. The ambiguity in Jongin’s answer back when he was about to leave Kyungsoo’s place has been leaving him horribly unsettled.

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t want to admit it but he kind of misses him. When the countdown starts, he has a warm blanket around him, a thumb hesitating above the send button as he bites at his trembling lower lip, affronted at himself for feeling like crying. 

 

“I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’m sorry.”

 

Winter’s tail flicks curiously as she looks at the fireworks in awe through the floor to ceiling glass, colourful light bursts stream into the midnight sky as if it’s the canvas, but Kyungsoo’s eyes are blurry.

 

-

 

The night of the second day of the new year, the doorbell rings. 

 

Kyungsoo all but gets a little too giddy he rushes to open the door only for his face to fall at the sight of Junmyeon. Still, he smiles at him and hopes he did not look like his hopes were crushed in an instant, wondering why the idol’s manager is here.

 

Junmyeon hands him two paper bags to him, a warm smile intact. “How’s your new year going?”

 

“It’s great. I had work today.” Taking the bags, Kyungsoo peers inside. “What’s this?”

 

“Just some sushi for you, and other stuffs,” Junmyeon says before checking his watch. “I actually don’t plan to be long. I just wanna check up on you. I’m glad you seem well.”

 

Kyungsoo offers him a small smile, slightly bowing as a thankful gesture for the thought. “I am doing well, thank you.”

 

“Lovely. I better be on the move now. See you around,” Junmyeon turns around and Kyungsoo hesitantly tells him to wait, earning a confused look. The hairstylist admittedly gulps, uncertain now if he should ask him, but he takes a breath and does anyway.

 

“How’s Jongin?”

 

The manager doesn’t seem surprised, but there’s a knowing smile playing on his lips as he answers. “He’ll live.”

 

Kyungsoo blinks as he watches him go. He’s not sure what that implies. Is Jongin sick or something? Should he be worried? But Junmyeon doesn’t look at all worried about him so maybe he shouldn’t too. 

 

He thinks of texting Jongin to personally ask him but then remembers that the idol did not even reply to his messages the past week. Not a visit, a call nor even a text from Jongin, and Kyungsoo’s left in the dark. He’s not sure if he did wrong; if that confession was a mistake and was the one thing that drove him away. Heck, he’s not even sure if the idol is still letting him live in this very apartment or if he’s about to be homeless in the busy city of Seoul with two kids to feed.

 

Jongin is so mean. He’s starting to think that maybe Baekhyun was right. 

 

-

 

Jongin waits for Junmyeon to enter the car, pretending to concentrate on the news article he’s reading about his own movie casting. Once his manager has settled in and buckled his safety belt, he eyes him quietly.

 

“He’s doing fine, in case you’re wondering,” Junmyeon says to him in a sarcastic way, obviously knowing the idol would like to know. “He asked about you.”

 

“He did?”

 

“He wouldn’t if you had kept in touch with him like I thought you would until that night happened,” Junmyeon pesters, driving out of the parking space and into the main roads. “Speaking of, you never told me what happened that night.”

 

“I don’t intend to,” Jongin goes back to his phone, unwilling to talk.

 

“Okay fine, but are you thinking of fixing this soon? You know you’re worrying him for no reason.”

 

That, Jongin knows. But he doesn’t think he’s ready yet to face him. If he needs to sort his feelings out, he would like it if the source of his scattered feelings isn’t around. He thinks he’s been made confused ever since Kyungsoo told him he liked him, like a trigger to something Jongin doesn’t dare to toe around. All of this had only been for the kids and Kyungsoo’s well being, so when emotions play into the scene, Jongin is at loss.

 

Kyungsoo’s recent text message carried a grim tone. Words can be taken back, but feelings can’t. 

 

Looking past that though, he wouldn’t have met Kyungsoo again if it weren’t for that minor encounter in high school. Because despite what he said, Jongin actually remembers. He was late at it, but he remembers now.

 

He remembers a boy; a boy who was always shoved into lockers, who was always taunted for bringing his makeup to class and showing up prettier than most of the girls, and it was a small school. Everyone remembered who came from which class, and they especially remembered a pretty boy, but that pretty boy gathered a different kind of attention than Jongin, an idol trainee.

 

He remembers his past shy self wanting to be as bold as him, uncaring in spite of what people think of him flaunting his makeup skills, and although bold, he wasn’t showy about it. He was a quiet boy just like him. 

 

He remembers feeling anxious about needing to perfect a performance all by himself as part of their weekly trainee evaluation, and not knowing someone skillful enough to do his hair and face in tandem to the concept he wanted to go with.

 

He remembers approaching that pretty boy in the men’s room wanting his help as his sixteen year old self was too shy to ask help from the girls instead, worrying they would be loud about it with their friends. 

 

Presently, they met again due to an unfortunate circumstance, and if what Jongin has been thinking was true, Kyungsoo had been pursuing his career as a beautician because of the idol. Jongin believes Kyungsoo holds him in too high of a regard, too damn high it makes the idol feel inadequate about the things he already lacks at. He has one too many flaws.

 

-

 

“Did you read the news?”

 

Jongin looks up from his movie script, a pen in hand paused from writing notes on his lines. His table read is scheduled next week. “If you’re talking about Dispatch’s new year dating news, I’m not interested.”

 

“Even if your name comes up?”

 

At the hypothetical question, Jongin frowns. “What news?”

 

The manager sighs through his nose, copying the link and forwarding it to the idol’s number. It’s instantly received and soon Jongin takes out his phone from his jeans pocket, disregarding his script for the moment.

 

“You really were careless,” Is what Junmyeon says as Jongin clicks open the link. It redirects him to a news site.

 

 

 

“Kim Kai spotted walking out of an apartment residence and smoking?”

Article : [Exclusive] Recent photos leaked of Kim Kai walking out of a residence and openly smoking while driving

Source : Dispatch via Nade

 

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1. [+2,355, -376] He’s been quite known for his bad habits outside of celebrity life. I don’t find this surprising.

2. [+1,843, -220] The question is, whose residence is that… Fans who follow him know that he doesn’t live there. 

        - It could just be his friend’s

3. [+1042, -102] Why is almost everyone in the comments automatically assuming he’s dating and was staying at his partner’s house?

        -His fans have never seen him going to that residence

        -Because his fans would know if it was a friend’s or a relative’s house

        -No known celebs live there. 

4. [+750, -87] Almost all male idols smoke, stop singling him out and calling him problematic.

5. [+423, -40] I can’t be the only one who’s reminded of that blind item about an idol knocking up a non-celeb, right?

        -Me too.

        -It’s been a while. Was it buried already?

        -, I didn’t think of this at first…

 

 

 

The photos attached, although dark and slightly blurry, are still able to outline the idol’s features and stance as well as the way he dressed. There is a conspicuous mosaic spot where he was putting the cancer stick in between his lips, his arm resting on the open window of his SUV, completely oblivious to the fact that he was being observed.

 

“I thought these things were supposed to be filtered by the agency first,” Says Jongin, reading through the comments and finding nothing much that hints at his relationship with Kyungsoo. At least these people are still clueless.

 

Junmyeon shrugs. “The current dating news this new year didn’t make much traffic, I guess. Did this happen the night you fought with Kyungsoo?”

 

“I didn’t fight with him,” Jongin counters, feeling like it was too strong of a word.

 

“Well, it sure looked like you did,” Junmyeon mumbles to himself, most probably wanting to be heard by the younger idol because Jongin throws him a light glare. “Or this is just another case of you running away at the first sight of trouble.” Jongin’s too tired he doesn’t bother thinking of a retort.

 

“Will the agency do something about this?” He refers to the leaked photos.

 

“The most they would do is have it buried, just like they did to the blind item,” Junmyeon elucidates. “I doubt they would take legal action. It’s not worth it.”

 

Jongin’s eyes are fixed on the photos, considering the level of disparagement and if he should be concerned. At this point, he just doesn’t care what the journalists have on him. He’s on the verge of being jobless anyway, or maybe he’s just been feeling a little low.

 

-

 

Jongin looks outside his window, at the group of people huddled together in front of the store, with one of the staffs pulling down the shutter. They are seemingly chatting for a bit, laughing at some jokes one of them might have cracked, and he can see Kyungsoo covering his mouth as his eyes disappear, laughing along. He looks snug in his warm layers, his pale hand sitting atop his bump as they now part ways to head home.

 

Kyungsoo hugs himself as he waits for the bus to arrive, joining the line to get inside and finally settles into a seat.

 

“So like, we’re just gonna follow your ego and tail him like this?” Junmyeon asks, most probably has been watching the pregnant male with him. The idol ignores him in opt to continue looking at the male now leaning his head onto the window and closing his eyes, seemingly tired from work. The bus leaves. 

 

“Take me home.” He could’ve driven there himself but after photos of him walking out of Kyungsoo’s residence and smoking, he has to let Junmyeon restrict his movements a little.

 

“You’ve been doing this for days,” Junmyeon pulls out of the parking lot and enters the main road. “You do know he’s just one call away if you really miss him that much, don’t you?”

 

“I’m in no place to call him,” The idol says, shameful.

 

“Even if he’s waiting?”

 

Jongin doesn’t answer.

 

-

 

Clients usually pay attention to how they look in their reflections, waiting to be prettied and made up. It leaves a comfortable space for the beautician to complete their work even at the close proximity.

 

But this particular client has been staring at him like he’s a dangled piece of meat, his gaze hot on him and his every action. Kyungsoo pretends he’s not uncomfortable by it, but every time he looks in the mirror he finds himself staring right back in the client’s eyes. His attempts at friendly conversations are brushed off with curt answers too, so he simply gives up and proceeds to do his work quietly.

 

After finishing his haircut, Kyungsoo reaches for the blow dryer and is about to turn it on until the man speaks.

 

“You don’t have a ring on your finger.”

 

Kyungsoo eyes his fingers, blinking once. “We’re not allowed to wear hand accessories to work, if you’re wondering.”

 

“Do you keep one in your necklace, then?” The man questions some more, his cold gaze daunting the hairstylist. “Ah, but you’re not wearing a necklace, either.”

 

The statement has Kyungsoo automatically reaches at his collarbone, wondering how hard has the man been staring at him to notice the lack of a necklace around his neck, even when he’s wearing a collared sweater.

 

Kyungsoo feigns a chuckle. “I don’t own rings, Mr. Yoo.”

 

“You’re expecting,” The man says lowly, never breaking eye contact with the pregnant male. “But unmarried.”

 

Kyungsoo’s not sure if he should be offended at that. He knows how much the society stigmatises unwedded yet expecting parents, but being directly confronted like this is not what he expected.

 

“You were Sehun’s makeup artist, yes?” At the recognition, Kyungsoo widens his eyes, earning a rather amused laughter from the client. “You look so surprised. Having quite a number of followers on your Instagram, shouldn’t you at least expect some people to know you outside of work? You’re quite the looker, much too lovely to be under the shadow of an idol singer, shall I say?”

 

“You seem to be flattering me, Mr. Yoo.” Although Kyungsoo doubts it’s flattery. He’s a little doubtful of the man, but he’s still his client nonetheless so he keeps the professional smile on his lips as he turns on the blowdryer and starts blowing the man’s hair.

 

“Where do you live, Kyungsoo-sshi?” Mr. Yoo asks when Kyungsoo is finally done with him and is about to remove the cape from around his torso. 

 

Keeping the smile, Kyungsoo replies. “K Apartments.” In an attempt to keep the friendly mood, he asks back. “What about you?”

 

“Around.” The man only says before he gets up and checks his reflection, stealing a glance at the hairdresser who is stunned to stillness at the lack of a real answer. “Your service is much appreciated. I’ll definitely come here again.”

 

Kyungsoo feels cold at his words, and he doesn’t miss the mysterious glint in Mr. Yoo’s eyes as he smiles and walks away. Was he not supposed to have answered him truthfully?

 

-

 

Yeonseok slips some cash to the lady at the reception, keeping his wallet in his back pocket. The lady is about to recite her thank you and come again message but the man cuts in.

 

“The staff named Kyungsoo there,” He jerks his chin at the hairdresser who is cleaning up the chair for the next client. “How long has he been working here?”

 

The lady raises her brow. “Kyungsoo? He’s only been here roughly one month. What’s the matter, Mr. Yoo? Did our staff wrong you?”

 

Yeonseok hums in thought, staring at the male in question. “No. He did an excellent job.” He returns to the lady. “Has any celeb come here before in the period that he’s working?”

 

“We get celebs often around here, Mr. Yoo.”

 

“How about… celebs from SM?”

 

The lady thinks carefully and is just about to answer until she begins to narrow her eyes at the client. “Are you a journalist, Mr. Yoo?”

 

Yeonseok snorts, looking away. “Of course not. You just have a staff that is considerably well known among fans of Oh Sehun, a singer of SM. I’ve been following him on Instagram too. I didn’t know he has quit working for Sehun.”

 

“Well I guess that’s true,” The lady says, no longer that suspicious of him. “No, we don’t get clients from SM.”

 

“Then,” He leans closer on the counter, flustering the woman as she looks up at him with startled eyes. “Do you perhaps know if Kyungsoo has ever mentioned about the baby father?”

 

The woman offers him an unimpressed look. “I’m afraid we are not allowed to disclose our personnel information to the clients, Mr. Yoo. If you want to woo him, please do it outside of the salon.”

 

Smiling a wide grin, Yeonseok says his thanks and instantly removes the smile as he turns away and heads for the doors. He takes out his phone, his fingers moving furiously to type the newly found information only to find it hasn’t been all that fruitful today, although he did find out how attractive the former makeup artist was up close. 

 

He sighs through his nose, holding his phone up to snap a photo of outside of the salon. He finally turns and starts walking until he hears the slam of a car door. 

 

A man is marching towards his direction, a mouth mask and a pair of shades on, and a black cap on his head. His legs are familiarly long, and Yoonseok knows of this gait. 

 

The man passes by him, and goes straight for the salon.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo is waiting for his next client to settle into the seat when he hears a sudden commotion from the reception area. He frowns, looking over at Amber beside him whose hands are busied with blow drying her client’s hair as she returns a similar questioning face to him. When his client voices out her specific request for her hair, Kyungsoo has to pay attention to her and understands what she wants. He is set to begin work and studies the lady’s hair, but is interrupted when he hears Chanyeol’s deep voice.

 

“Kyungsoo is currently booked. Please allow us to assign you to someone else.”

 

That has him temporarily abandoning his client, and he realizes he isn’t the only person interested in what’s taking place at the other side of the salon. Hushed whispers and conversations are shared amongst the staffs, shooting unfathomable glances at him in between. Kyungsoo doesn’t understand. 

 

“Seems like he’s really adamant on being served by you,” Amber remarks, curious herself as she pauses her job to peer at the area.

 

The voices there seem to have heightened, and from where he stands, Kyungsoo can see Bora stepping up to politely turn the guest down. “Please excuse us, but you can’t—”

 

“I’ll triple the pay.”

 

That seems to urge Kyungsoo to make his way to the reception hall, stopping short at the sight of the familiar figure; long legs in blue jeans, a striped tee. The man removes his shades and pulls his mask down, earning collective gasps from a handful of people in there. 

 

“Let me see him.” 

 

“Jongin?” He blurts out, and the commotion seems to have taken a pause as the onlookers turn their heads at him, which inherently means Jongin has noticed his presence as well. 

 

The idol has a determined look set on his face, or desperate, Kyungsoo can’t tell. Otherwise, the only other thing that plagues his mind is that, it’s been a while since he last saw him. Kyungsoo’s missed him, but he’s also a little hurt. And while the pregnant male stays frozen in his spot, Jongin is walking and closing their distance until he’s completely standing before the other male. 

 

A set of clacks of shoes against the floor brings Chanyeol to the two of them, casting a worried glance at his pregnant staff before directing his words at the idol. “I can make arrangements for you to be served by someone else if you are in need of urgent assistance, Jongin-sshi—”

 

“No,” Jongin outright refuses, eyes trained solely on Kyungsoo. “I want him.”