The What If's

Dara never liked suspense. She never like the feeling of waiting for something and then, being surprise at the end of it. But then, there will always be an exception. He will always be an exception.

“Hey.” Dara gasped for air as soon as she heard the caller’s voice. There’s no doubt that it’s the guy she misses the most. The guy she lost for two years now and the guy who would never be hers. She inhales some air, while trying to compose herself so she can confidently answer him.

“H-Hello.” Dara can’t hide her nervousness. She’s actually pinching her legs while trying to calm her heart. It’s not good for her to hear his voice. After all these time, she’s still yearning for his love, the love that was gone over the past years. She doesn’t know who to blame on how their relationship comes to an end. She always asked herself if it’s her fault for being too clingy, for being childish—or was it his fault for finding someone who can satiate his needs? She doesn’t know. Only Jiyong knows the reason behind everything. She can’t blame him. He saved her life after all.

She heard Jiyong gasps upon hearing her voice. “So, it’s really you?” Jiyong asked. Lines formed in Dara’s forehead. She does not understand what Jiyong wants to say.

She heard Jiyong’s soft chuckle from the other line and she became more confuse than before.

“Uhm… Youngbae gave me your new number and I just need to… uh… confirm if… it’s… really you. You know… I just can’t believe Youngbae because he’s so playful when it comes to me…” A smile forms on her thin lips. Somehow she feels like her Jiyong is back. My marshmallow’s back. He’s back. Or was it temporary? Is it just for this call and after that, everything will be back to its place? Who am I kidding, anyway? We already separated and are having our own lives. It’s not like I can make him come back…

“It’s me. Don’t worry. I—I’ll save your number.” She said softly—somehow, it feels like she’s already whispering. She wants to end the call already. Realizations after realizations enter her mind and she feels like someone is squeezing her heart. It’s funny how people can feel two emotions at the same time. The bliss and sadness she feels are overwhelming and at this kind of situation, she thinks that she can’t handle more emotions or she’ll breakdown soon.

“T-Thanks, Dara. I just want to say congratulations for grabbing that Elle Mag. It’s a good opportunity especially for a designer like you…” Jiyong trailed off. It seems like he wants to say something but is having trouble to blurt it out.

“… I’m… so proud of you.” He softly said. She heard him sigh after. Dara can’t find herself being so grateful about it because the sadness came and completely invades her whole being. It feels like the weight inside her just doubled and she can’t do anything about it. Her tears are starting to gather at the corner of her eyes. She looks up to prevent her tears from falling and inhaled more air.

“T-Thank you…” Jiyong. She smiled a bit. She can hear Jiyong’s breathing from the other line. This is what she likes, what she wants from the start; even just an interaction, hearing him breathe and his voice would be very fine for her. After all this time, she still hasn’t moved on. Her heart was broken into pieces, but you know what’s funny? Every pieces of her heart still beats for him and him only. Why can’t this madness stop? Is Jiyong really her extreme love? The one she’ll never think of letting go, the one she’ll forgive after all of his mistakes and the one she’ll love despite his imperfections? Isn’t it so unfair for her to cherish their memories alone? Jiyong could also be her “the one that got away”, the very person who taught her to love someone so dearly it feels like it would cost your life when you’re apart. Wasn’t it toxic? This love is so extreme that it’s becoming toxic for the person who gives more between the two lovers, that’s why it will always end up as a tragedy. Erase the happy ever after. This is reality and I should’ve accepted it as soon as possible.

Isn’t two years enough for me to suffer alone? To bear all the pain? Isn’t it enough for me to stop? I think it’s enough. I need to get over him, the way he got over me the moment he found the girl he’ll love for the rest of his life.

“Anyway, I just want to say see you again and congratulations. Goodbye.” She heard him smile but before she can even ask what he meant by saying ‘see you again’, he already ended the call. Her smile fell off. She wipe