Back in college, I remembered Kira asking me a shocking question as we were lying on her bed that one Sunday night of our ritual. Our legs were intertwined as we played with each other’s hands. If anyone walked in on us, they would assume we were romantically involved with one another. The old me would cringe at such a thought. But eventually, especially after being married to her, I get this feeling that I wouldn’t mind because, considering the amount of time, effort and love I gave to Kira, it wasn’t surprising that we ended up together.

I regretted none.

Those times we spent together – after marriage – it seemed too quick. I wanted more time. I needed more time. I wanted to let me cherish her for as long as I could and I knew the time I was given was not enough. I could feel death drawing nearer and heck, I was scared. I wanted more time but I knew that if I was granted time, I would keep asking for more because I could never get enough of her. I wanted an eternity with her.

I found myself drifting, diving into Kira even more. I was consuming what I could, remembering what I could. I wanted her to be the last thing I see before I close my eyes forever even if I knew she was going to retaliate. She wouldn’t want to see me go in front of her eyes. It’ll only be harder for her to let go.

Some nights, I woke up alone, seeing her sleeping soundly on her side of the bed. These were times I’d get up, sit upwardly, and pray. I’d always been a believer of faith. No matter what faith it is, I believed in a higher power. I thought I could manage to convince God that I deserve a longer time with her but apparently, God was eager to have me by His side. I would stare at Kira at night in the dark. There was no need for light. I knew every inch of her and I could trace her face without poking her eye or nose. I knew every single nook and cranny of hers. I studied her and I loved her – so much that it literally will kill me.

I prayed harder than I’d ever done. Funny and tragic, isn’t it? Only in times of hardship will you remember there is God up there somewhere listening, observing. Only then we turn to Him to beg Him of things we have no right to beg for in the first place. But I knew one thing that I wanted to beg for before I die and I hoped that God would grant it for me.

I begged Him to let Kira move on peacefully with her life after I was gone and that I wanted every bit of happiness to be given to her even if I couldn’t be there to give it.

I wanted her to be loved, feel loved and love.

I only wanted that.

;

I woke up to the banging sounds that came from where I presumed was the kitchen. Once I felt emptiness next to me, I immediately scrambled to the source of the sound and found Jungkook sitting in front of the refrigerator, with his head dipped down. I panicked.

Please don’t tell me, God, please don’t let this be the moment.

I hurried towards him as I cupped his face in my hands and his eyes fluttered. I breathed out a relieved sigh. I felt my hands were wet. I looked down towards his lap and it was a mess. He was trying to reach for the ice cream on his own and my fault for putting it in the back, the stuff in front of it fell on top of him along with the ice cream. I picked them up and arranged them back into the freezer and gave him the ice cream.

Instead of taking it, he wheeled away from me. I closed the freezer door and followed behind him as he was wheeling towards the living room. He stopped in front of the coffee table and I sat in front of him on top of the coffee table, making him face me. He still didn’t want to talk but I could see the tears were still parading down his cheeks swiftly. I held his hand but he pulled back.