I was at that phase when I was scouting for jobs online and offline. But mostly, I was doing it online. I sent countless of my resumes to multiple companies, trying to get interviews just so I could start working. I couldn’t stay home for long. I needed to feel like I had a sense of purpose in life again. This was the time when I missed studying. As much as the assignments were a pain in the , it also gave me a sense of purpose and undoubtedly, a sense of achievement once I’d received the results I expected based on the efforts I put in. This time, I needed to channel that effort into work – provided that I get a job first.

I was busy scrolling when I received a message from Bella, asking me to accompany her to find her wedding dress the next day. I got excited! Wedding dress hunting was so much more fun than job hunting. I get to see Bella in different beautiful wedding dresses and maybe I could try some for my own. Who knows? I could use one of the choices for my future wedding.

That thought brought me back to Yoongi, about how he mentioned marriage. I got nervous just thinking about it. You see, Yoongi… ah, where do I even begin talking about Yoongi? He is a person that words cannot even be put together to describe how much of a precious and special person he is.

If I could write a poem about him, it would be about how he is the sound of the sea waves by the beach that everyone needs to hear after a long tiring day. You close your eyes, stand by the beach, let your feet hit the water, and just listen to the sound of the waves. It’s as if they’re speaking to you, soothing you to calm down and let you know that there will be tomorrow. But he can also be the fierce waves hitting boulders and violent ones when provoked. But on most days, he is just what you need to calm you down, to tell you that everything is alright.

That is what he is to me – my soother.

But he is also very reserved. He closes himself and doesn’t tell much about himself to people, including me. Sometimes, I find myself reading him a little too much just so I could figure out what is in his mind but most times, I end up failing. I tell him almost everything about myself (because you can never tell everything about you to someone) but he doesn’t even try to open up with me about him. I had to find out through the others about his family – how he had problems with his dad regarding his passion for music and how he has 5 siblings including himself and that he was staying on his own when he’s not on campus and that his family is actually quite rich since he could afford a place on his own.

And this reminded me of the time when I confronted him about it.

“So how’s your sister doing? I heard she’s going into residency for her medical training,” I asked him one day when we were studying together.

He frowned. “How do you know that?”

“Or your mum? Is her back causing her too much pain still?”

“Kira,” his tone serious.

“Or your dad? Is he still against you and your music?”

“Kira, stop.”

“No, I won’t. Until you tell me about yourself, Yoongi.”

He sighed sharply and return to writing. I took his pen away from him and he shouted at me, cursing me even, which caught me off guard. He never once cursed at me.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He calmed down. “Can I have my pen back, please?”

“Not until you tell me. What are you so afraid of that you can’t even tell me about yourself?"

“Nothing.”

“Yoongi, this is not helping us. I can open myself about me, why can’t you?”

“Because I’m not you!”

I pulled back a little.

“You wouldn’t understand, Kira.”

I scoffed. “Yoongi, when have I ever misunderstood you? When have I ever let you down? I’m trying to be here for you as much as you are here for me. I feel like I’m absorbing your love like a sponge but I can’t squeeze mine into yours because you’re blocking it. I want to give me to you but you’re not allowing me by not telling me anything. You’re shutting me out. How do you think that makes me feel?”

He started to rummage through his bag and finally placed a pen drive in front of me. “Here. It’s all in there. You want to know about me? That’s who I am. All in there.”

He sighed before continuing. “I’ve always wanted to tell you about myself. Don’t think I’ve never thought of doing that. But I find it difficult to tell about it to anybody, except the boys. That too, not everything. So don’t take it personally. It’s just me. I’ve been dodging this for so long and it’s funny that you’ve brought it up. So I made a video instead so you could watch because I don’t think I can tell you about it in front of you, Kira. I’m just that fragile.”

He chuckled. “So I hope you understand and just… listen to it.”

I slowly took it into my hands when he held my right hand. “I’m trusting you with this, Kira. Don’t break it.”

I felt so honoured yet at the same time afraid to know what was the fear that Yoongi had that made him so afraid to open himself to people. So I promised him that he could trust me with whatever he gave me in the pen drive.

“I love you,” I whispered.

As usual, he blushed and gave a sweet smile that I fall for over and over.

I reached into my study drawer for the pen drive that Yoongi gave me. I only saw the title of the files contained in the pen drive. I wasn’t brave to open it yet but I believed that I was ready at that time. I plugged it into my laptop and open the folder titled “Me.” It was a video recording of him in it and with a nervous breath, I opened it and listened to every word he uttered carefully.

“Hey, you.” He chuckled. “Wow, this is awkward. I’d imagine myself talking to you about this in front of you but I think the chances of me chickening out are high so I’m just going to go ahead with this method. It’s easier that way. But now that I’m looking at myself in the camera, it’s pretty awkward. But nonetheless, it’s not stopping me from telling about what I’d always wanted to tell you. So, here it goes.

“Kira, I… I’d alwa