We’ve lost touch. I felt empty. Jungkook stopped coming on Sundays. I didn’t dare to go to his room. I was afraid he might push me away again. After he shoved me out of his room, I knew I could no longer find him anymore. Especially since he showed much anger at me by lifting both his middle fingers at me. He never did anything remotely bad as that. If I could compare my pain to heartbreak, this was worse. Heartbreak feels like something heavy is pushing your chest, making you hard to breathe every time. But what I was feeling, it was that feeling and on top of that, I felt my heart being pulled, and the strings tying my heart to my chest are hanging by a thread. I could feel it slowly coming undone, one by one.

I slowly lost my heart, even if I had someone to give it to.

Yoongi noticed my hostility. I wasn’t hostile. Just, overwhelmingly sad and empty. I hated to admit that Yoongi could not fill the gap Jungkook left me. The pieces didn’t fit at all. Yoongi was there to give me emotional support and I acknowledge his efforts. But I needed Jungkook.

I needed Jungkook.

I met with Yoongi almost every day because he was afraid of leaving me alone. He was afraid I might do anything that might hurt myself. I never talked to him about Jungkook but he knew what I was so down about. Thankfully, I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t suicidal. I just felt like I needed – no, I didn’t feel like I needed Jungkook.

I knew I needed him.

“You know, you have got to talk to me about this,” Yoongi said to me one day when we were having dinner together.

“About what?” I asked blankly.

Yoongi sighed. “As much as you try to avoid it, I’m not allowing you this time. Talk to me about Jungkook.”

I immediately looked down at my food and refused to answer.

He took my hand, stopping me from putting the food in my mouth. I snatched it back a little too harshly.

“And you’re denying that you’re mad about this?”

“I’m not denying anything.”

“You’re denying the truth from me.”

“I can’t talk to you about Jungkook without you thinking wrongly about our relationship, Yoongi!” I burst out.

“How long have I known you guys? Hm? Since you guys became best friends, I knew how you guys were with each other. Sure, others might think you guys were in love with each other but…”

He paused, which caused me to look up at him in the eyes and I could see he was coming to a conclusion that I didn’t want him to come to.

“…Unless you were in love with him.” His voice became soft and breathless.

That was the first time I saw Yoongi hurt. And it was because of me. I didn’t like it at all. As much as I wanted to hide the truth, I’d uncovered most of them to him. He could read them. It only took time for him to truly understand and comprehend the signs. And this was one of the moments where he was slowly understanding that all this time when I was hoping for Jungkook to come around again, I was in love with him.

“I don’t know,” was all I could answer to him at the time.

We were silent for a while. I couldn’t muster the courage to tell Yoongi how I truly felt about Jungkook. One, I might hurt his feelings. Two, I was selfish. I needed someone by my side. I couldn’t be alone, even if I knew Bella would always be there for me. But I somehow needed Yoongi too. Three, I was afraid of losing him too.

“You know what, Kira? You sort this out on your own, okay? When you think you’re done with it, and when you actually realise that you have genuine feelings for me, only then come back. I can’t take being with someone who only loves me because I’m there to fill in the gap that you caused in the first place. I’m done.”

He stood up and was about to leave the table when I pulled his hand, preventing him to leave. That was when my tears dropped rapidly and I was almost whimpering, trying to stop myself from feeling the immense hurt of yet another person important in my life leaving me again.

“If I tell you everything, will you stay?” I tried hard not to let my voice crack.

I could feel his hand loosening. We were in that position for quite some time and when I finally looked up to meet his eyes, he himself was fighting back tears. I knew at that time, he was very much in love with me.

“You can’t keep doing this to me, Kira,” he started to speak, trying hard not to break down.

“I w