Have you ever sat in the doctor’s waiting room and just wondered what everyone is actually there for? Take that women sitting in the corner with her nose buried deep into a magazine most likely 6 years old; is she here to get a confirmation of a serious disease? Perhaps she’s just looking to get a day off work. See that elderly man sitting next to the elderly woman; he’s here to provide moral support to his wife. Or maybe he’s the one that needs the moral support. You can never really know what other’s are here for but I can’t help but wonder what others think of me.

It’s been a couple of days since the home pregnancy test results. I sat at the park for a long time, just thinking about life and well, my current situation. Trying to determine what happened to my life. What happened to that high schooler that everyone had high hopes for? That girl that teachers were hoping would do something spectacular? Where did she go?

‘Lee Kyung Mi, the doctor will see you now in room 4,’ the receptionist announced as she directed me to the correct examination room. My heart began pounding as I made my way into the room and into the patient’s seat.

‘What can I do for you today, Kyung Mi?’ Doctor Shin asked as she made a few clicks on her computer to what I assume is to open up my medical files.

What can you do? Please wake me from this nightmare. Please tell me that I’ve been sleeping all along. Please, I don’t know if I can be a mother. No yet anyways.

‘I think I’m pregnant.’

‘Okay, well let’s get that confirmed for you,’ Doctor Shin said as she pulled open a draw and pulled out a container. “Have you already completed a home pregnancy test?’

‘I have, in fact I did 7,’

‘Alright, so this should feel just like those ones then. Only thing different is that this one is much more accurate than the one you did at home. ‘ She explained before instructing me to go to the bathroom and collect urine in the container.

And once again I find myself peeing in a cup.

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I handed the cup to Doctor Shin who took the cup graciously as though she wasn’t even a single bit grossed out that she’s holding someone else’s urine. It’s not like it’s the most loveable thing to carry and definitely not the most pleasant thing.

The next few minutes before Doctor Shin came back felt like hours. But in those minutes, my heart would not stop racing. The pounding muscle keeping my anxiety levels pretty high up, but I doubt that this is all just a nightmare. I doubt I can walk away from this doctor’s appointment without my entire world being shattered and altered forever.

The sounds of footsteps snapped me out of thoughts, indicating that Doctor Shin had finished her test.

‘So I have some news for you, Kyung Mi. You are indeed pregnant,’ Doctor Shin informed me before handing me a piece of paper which I assume was my test results. Even though I knew it was coming, I still felt the shock. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I couldn’t say that it’s just a suspected pregnancy, no. It’s a confirmed pregnancy.

You know how they say that if you say something enough times you’ll end up believing it like it’s the truth? It doesn’t matter how much I say now, the results will always say a different thing. Lee Kyung Mi - PREGNANT

‘What do I do now?’ I asked the doctor. How do I deal with pregnancy? What are my options, do I even have any options?

‘According to the law, you have two options. That is you have this baby and keep the child or you give birth to the child but adopt them away. But there is-‘ Doctor Shin hesitated, not finishing her sentence.

‘Please Doctor Shin, there surely is another option.’ I don’t think I’m ready to be a mother. Call me selfish, but I’m not ready to give up things yet. I’ve spent a lot of my life sacrificing for others; I’ve done what others have always wanted of me. When do I get to put myself first? When do I get to think about me instead?

‘Look, what I’m about to tell you is not legal. Although in my own opinion, I don’t think its wrong. I know you are young, and a child is a lot of work, ‘ She said and handed me the business card for Seoul Woman’s Clinic. ‘If you are thinking about…removing it, call up and make an appointment with Doctor John Smith. ‘ She hesitated, almost as if she was looking for the right words midsentence.

Doctor John Smith? That’s not a name from around here.

‘If you call that number up and ask for Doctor John Smith , they will know straight away. Please though, do not report this to authorities. Women need freedom with their bodies, we shouldn’t be trapped by a law that was probably written by a man who will never know the hardships of being a mother at the wrong age. They’ll never understand the pain and suffering some women go through having the child at the wrong age, an age where the woman is barely a woman…’ Doctor Shin began to trail off. I get a feeling that she wasn’t talking in general anymore, but maybe something more personal.

‘I swear Doctor Shin, I will not tell a soul about it.’

‘No