Going back to work would have been tough for Junmyeon if it hadn’t been for Kim Jongdae.

The first day at the company Junmyeon had been anxious. The bits and pieces Yixing had said didn’t give him enough reassurance of what went on at his workplace. Junmyeon’s boss met with him and told him everything that had occurred. For the past months, Junmyeon had been the one in charge of an important research project. Even if some parts seemed familiar to him, the majority was just blank. So, they agreed it was better if Junmyeon continued working with the research project, but Jongdae became the new head of the group. Junmyeon didn’t feel sad about this news, on the contrary, he was glad to know someone could take care of the team now that Junmyeon was somewhat useless.

Kim Jongdae, another Korean that had emigrated to Guangzhou, was Junmyeon’s friend, at least that was what Yixing told Junmyeon. But just like everything Yixing had said, it was true. They had been very close friends, best friends, but because Jongdae had been on a trip for the past month, they hadn’t been able to meet until that day when Jongdae returned too.

“I can’t believe this has happened to you Junmyeon, but don’t worry! I’ll take care of you,” had Jongdae reassured Junmyeon after he heard his story.

Junmyeon couldn’t thank Jongdae enough because what Jongdae said was exactly what he had done the whole day and the rest of the week. He showed Junmyeon around the company, he explained to him about their research project, he took the time to answers over and over every doubt, or question Junmyeon had.

Jongdae’s reassurance and their blossoming friendship had been what Junmyeon had needed to not feel so alone and lost the upcoming weeks. Sometimes Jongdae invited him over for dinner, and Junmyeon would agree to go, because eating with Jongdae and his wife was more comforting than eating by himself, even if Jongdae lived on the other side of the city. Junmyeon also used their time outside of work to learn more about their research project. He also continued filling his journal as Jongdae talked about how they had met four years ago and how their lives had gone since then.

Again, what Jongdae said about Junmyeon’s old self agreed with what Yixing had said. However, Junmyeon tried to ignore the inner voice that always shouted at him he needed to apologize. Jongdae also commented about Junmyeon’s old ‘brilliant’ self and why he had been chosen as the leader of the team in the first place. Junmyeon wondered if he one day would manage to become as good at work as he had once been.

As the days passed and Junmyeon continued to rebuild his life, he also found time to get to know his old high-school friends through the phone. Junmyeon spoke with Baekhyun frequently, but Junmyeon avoided Baekhyun’s questions about Yixing and why Junmyeon was not bothering to try to apologize. Eventually, Baekhyun didn’t bring up the issue anymore.

When it came to talking with Chanyeol, Junmyeon had been afraid that everything was going to be awkward at first, since Chanyeol was pretty much a stranger to him. Meanwhile, with Sehun he had already spoken one time before. And yes, there had been lots of awkward silences with Chanyeol during the first call. Junmyeon didn’t want to be pushy and start asking a bunch of questions, and he guessed Chanyeol didn’t know what else to say besides ‘I’m so sorry to hear about that, Junmyeon.’ However, the silences dissipated when Junmyeon heard one of the twins biting Chanyeol’s finger and Chanyeol began telling him about them. From then on and more calls later, Junmyeon got more familiarized with Chanyeol, his family, and how their friendship used to be. Although some stories Junmyeon had learned from Baekhyun, others just belonged to the two of them, just as with any other person, Junmyeon had shared a friendship with.

And Junmyeon, of course, retook contact with his cousin Sehun, who was glad to finally hear from him again. Sehun had a lot more to contribute because he had some memories from Junmyeon’s childhood, and they used to live together. Junmyeon got the context of some of the pictures that were in the old photo album. What they didn’t talk much about were the years during which Sehun’s mother was ill. Junmyeon was curious about it, but he didn’t want to make Sehun go through what he had made Baekhyun, even if Baekhyun had said he shouldn’t be afraid to ask. Either way, the two kept talking more and more, and Junmyeon got to know more about himself and Sehun.

So, life was moving forward for Junmyeon. He was getting accustomed to working and was reconnecting with his old friends and relatives. Everything was going fine, that was what he told himself at least. However, something missed and Junmyeon knew what, because during the twenty days that passed since he left Yixing crying in his apartment, there wasn’t a day Junmyeon didn’t think about him.

They had just spent roughly three weeks together, but Yixing still had become someone special to Junmyeon. Yixing was the one who had been there for him when he woke up lost and scared in the hospital. Yixing was the first person Junmyeon became aware of. Yixing had been the first person he trusted, even after that trust broke due to Junmyeon’s dumbness, after all the stories Junmyeon had heard, he believed in Yixing once again. Yixing had been his firsts of many things, and those few memories, details, and remembrances of Yixing were stuck in Junmyeon’s mind. He needed to see him again, to hear his voice, and to see that he was doing fine and not crying anymore. A realization hit him, he cared about Yixing in ways that he didn’t for anybody else.

However, everything was just contradictory because Junmyeon still hadn’t gone to see Yixing, neither had he apologized for his wrongdoings. Why? because according to Junmyeon it was ‘the right thing’ to do. Though Yixing still loved him, Junmyeon had convinced himself that being away from Yixing was the wisest choice, that Yixing needed to find someone else, someone better than him. He did his best to ignore that voice telling him to go search for Yixing.

Therefore, Junmyeon let more days come and go until he just couldn’t take it anymore.

It was all because of his closet. Now that his apartment was actually a home, Junmyeon had gotten rid of all the moving boxes that used to be around, save for one, the one that contained all his mementos. Junmyeon couldn’t bear himself to throw everything away, not when his old self had kept the most of it for so many years. So, he had bought a nicer box in which he could store those memories. And when Junmyeon had picked up the last pepero box he saw it.

He took the photograph of him and Yixing. They were on a beach, Yixing was back hugging Junmyeon, they were both smiling widely, and on each of their hands, he saw gleaming rings that he had never seen before. He guessed the picture must have been taken last year. Again, Junmyeon felt guilty, but his guilt turned into wretchedness when he read what was written on the backside of the photograph.

‘Junmyeon, my darling, this picture was taken moments after you said ‘Yes’ to me and I’m glad it was framed forever. I’m tempted to say it was the happiest day of my life, but I know the future holds in store so much more. Our wedding, raising our children, I can’t wait for it all to come and to spend the rest of my life by your side. If there is someone I consider my soulmate it is you Junmyeon, just like you said all those years ago that we were. I love you Junmyeon.

Merry Christmas,

Yixing.’

Trying to hold in his tears didn’t work this time. At that moment, it was the only thing Junmyeon could do. He was undeserving of Yixing’s love, Junmyeon knew that because Yixing’s love for him was so real and it had prevailed despite all the hurt. How stupid had Junmyeon been? Hurting Yixing over and over, letting go of him, trying to forget him, pushing away the one person who loved him the most. Junmyeon was stupid.

That night, Junmyeon went to bed holding that picture near his chest. He didn’t have the backstory to it. He didn’t even know why Yixing had gifted it to him during Christmas. All Junmyeon knew was that he needed to fix things with Yixing soon because he didn’t want to lose him. Of all the people Junmyeon was trying to keep in his life, Yixing should have been his priority. Yixing was his soulmate, that was what his old self thought, and the pieces that remained of the old Junmyeon told him that nobody else but Yixing was worthy of that title. Amid all his thoughts there was one that regularly came to his mind, ‘how can you ask for Yixing’s forgiveness?’ He drifted into sleep thinking about that.

Junmyeon spent more days thinking about that question. In the end, Junmyeon realized that he just needed to be sincere and to truly show Yixing he regretted all his mistakes, and that meant all his mistakes. That was why for the first time, he had asked others about his former relationship with Yixing. He avoided them to tell him details, Junmyeon wanted Yixing to be the one to explain that. Instead, what he questioned his friends about was: ‘Why did I leave Yixing?’ However, nobody knew. None could explain it because Junmyeon had never told them why, only that he had left. His old self was stupid too. Even without understanding why Junmyeon was still going to apologize for everything.

On the thirty-third day, Junmyeon man up and stood outside Yixing’s apartment. He had calculated that today must be one of Yixing’s day off. Even if it wasn’t, it was Saturday afternoon, Yixing must be home anyways. Nervously, Junmyeon stood in front of the door and silently begged that Yixing would hear him out.

He rang the doorbell once. Nothing happened. He did it again, and again until he lost count and began to knock desperately while calling Yixing’s name, but nobody answered.

“Yixing, I know I’m late, and neither do I have any right to be here… But please, please open the door,” he pleaded. The door remained closed. “I’m sorry Yixing, I’m so sorry for everything I have done to you.”

Junmyeon spent the next two hours sitting outside Yixing’s apartment, having a one-sided conversation with the door. His ability to pursue an encounter with Yixing was hopeless because that door didn’t move an inch. But Junmyeon knew he deserved it, and every other bit of resentment Yixing held against him. And he didn’t go to the restaurant because this conversation needed to happen in private.

“I’m not giving up until you open the door,” he said.

Junmyeon didn’t let his first failed attempt to discourage him. He returned the next day, the day after that, and the followings. On the days Junmyeon had to work, he came near dawn because it was the time Yixing surely must be at home but only to be faced with a closed door. Junmyeon wanted to believe that when Yixing saw through the peephole, he would remain there and listen to Junmyeon’s one-sided conversation and apology for everything and for stealing away his sleep. Sometimes, after apologizing, Junmyeon would tell Yixing about how work was going or what he had done the day before.

“I was passing by this store yesterday. I saw these chocolates, and I thought of you… I’m sorry,” Junmyeon had said on probably the fourth day standing in front of the door. He left there three dozens of Pepero boxes.

Leaving those chocolates had been a sign that Yixing listened to him because the following day Junmyeon didn’t see the bags of chocolates near the door. He smiled and said, “Thank you, Yixing.”

On a Sunday morning, the eighth day, Junmyeon was leaning his head against the door, apologizing yet again, when someone called him from behind.

“Junmyeon?” had Yixing said.

Junmyeon turned around and finally saw Yixing. He would have cried but decided not to. Yixing stood there, unsure and a bit saddened, his hair was a little scruffy, he was also holding a large sports bags.

“Yixing,” Junmyeon muttered.

“What do you want?” Yixing asked indifferently.

Junmyeon rubbed his eyes and gulped, “Like all previous days, I’m here to talk to you and well, apologize.”

Yixing furrowed his eyebrows. “Previous days?”

“Yes, I’ve come here daily since last week… You must have heard me, haven’t you?”

“No,” Yixing said while shaking his head, “I’ve been staying with Kyungsoo this whole time.”

“Oh,” Junmyeon said. It seemed all his previous attempts had surely been a one-sided conversation with the door. However, Yixing was finally standing in front of him, this was his chance to fix everything he had broken. He kneeled and bowed on all fours. “Yixing, I owe so much more than just an apology, but that’s the only thing I have for you. It’s not enough, I know… But I’m so, so, sorry for everything I have done to hurt you. I’m sorry, I really am.”

There was no answer. Junmyeon didn’t dare to look up and see Yixing, he remained in that position. He saw Yixing’s feet in front of him, and he heard him sigh. Yixing opened the apartment’s door. Junmyeon still didn’t move.

“Aren’t you coming in?” Yixing asked from the inside.

Junmyeon raised his upper body and turned around. “Really?” he asked dumbly.

Yixing rolled his eyes, an action Junmyeon had almost never seen before, “Yes, you. You said you wanted to talk, didn’t you?”

Of course, Junmyeon did it. He just didn’t expect it to be this easy, not after coming there eight days straight and thinking that the last Yixing wanted was to see his face. Bewildered, Junmyeon stood up and walked in. As he followed Yixing, Junmyeon noted that all their previous pictures together that were hung on the walls had been taken down, even the trophy was no longer on its usual shelf. It hurt him a little, but what else was he expecting? He was the one who told Yixing to move on.

They sat down in the living room, Yixing on the sofa in front of Junmyeon with crossed arms and legs. “Well, what do you want Junmyeon? And please hurry, Luhan invited me over for lunch.”

This was the treatment Junmyeon earned himself, he knew that. Still, Junmyeon thought best of how to articulate his thoughts so Yixing could see that he was sincere. Apparently, it was much easier to talk to the closed-door than the real person.

“The clock is ticking,” Yixing said after Junmyeon hadn’t spoken for five minutes.

Junmyeon breathed in and then said, “Yixing, I’m really sorry for all of my wrongdoings, for everything I said that day we fought. You didn’t deserve to hear any of it. I realized you weren’t lying, everything you said was true. And I was an ungrateful idiot who couldn’t see that all you were trying to do was help me. I’m so sorry.”

Yixing sighed. “Isn’t it too late to apologize? It’s been over a month, Junmyeon. Why the heck are you doing it now?” he said a tad annoyed.

“You’re right, and that’s another thing I’m sorry about, Yixing. It took me a long time. And I’m not gonna lie, I tried to ignore the fact I had to apologize since I realized you were speaking the truth,” Junmyeon said, “I thought it was the best for you if we didn’t talk anymore. But as the days passed I… I just couldn’t take it anymore. And then it took me more time to think about how to apologize and reflect on why I was apologizing in the first place… I’m sorry.”

“I suppose it’s better late than never,” Yixing muttered, “And at least you realized it.”

“Yes, but not only that. This whole time I’ve been so selfish. Everything was about me, me, and me. And I never stopped to think about you, Yixing. I never thought about how everything I did affect you. I never considered your feelings towards me and how much it must have hurt you to have me near because… You still love me, right?”

Yixing looked surprised for a moment, then he said, “I-I did.”

‘Did,’ Junmyeon thought, a bit dejected by the words.

And after Yixing saw Junmyeon’s saddened expression, he leaned back on the couch and put his hands on his face. “Ugh, who am I kidding, Junmyeon. I still love you, even if you’re an who doesn’t deserve it,” he said.

Junmyeon subtly smiled. “I know, I know I am, and that’s another thing I have to ask your forgiveness about.”

Yixing sat up straight and stared at him.

“I’m so sorry for cowardly leaving you that day. For not properly explaining and just leaving behind the stupidest piece of paper. I don’t know what I was thinking, I really don’t know, and I’m afraid nobody else knows either. It still doesn’t excuse that what I did was plain wrong. I’m sorry, Yixing.”

“Why are you apologizing about that?” Yixing asked with widened eyes.

“As I said, I don’t remember it. But the old Junmyeon’s mistakes are still my mistakes. And you deserve an apology. I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you, I truly am.”

Junmyeon saw something that could pass as a smile formed on Yixing’s lips.

“I appreciate your efforts to apologize for everything. I understand the courage it takes to admit one’s mistakes… Neither am I one to hold grudges and after hearing you apologize, god knows how many times… I forgive you, Junmyeon.”

“Thank you!” Junmyeon exclaimed happily, “Thank you, Yixing.”

“But you should know that I’m not that innocent either, I have my fair share of errors too.”

“Huh?”

“About your parents, I’m sorry. I should have told you everything. But seeing how those memories used to be painful for you, I thought that if you didn’t know about them now, I would protect you. I just thought… I figured I was protecting you, but it backfired me.”

“Oh, don’t feel bad about that, Yixing. Honestly, you have nothing to apologize for. Even if you had told me about that, I wouldn’t have believed you either… I needed to see it with my own eyes to realize it.”

This time they both smiled. Junmyeon finally saw Yixing’s signature dimpled smile. And then they were silent, but it wasn’t awkward, rather recomforting. Junmyeon could finally breathe in peace knowing that Yixing had listened to him, that Yixing had forgiven him. But there was one thing Junmyeon needed to say. What Junmyeon was going to say would either destroy or better the moment, he still went for it.

“Yixing, this is incredibly selfish because of all the things I have done to you but… Could you perhaps give me another chance? Although I’m not worthy of it.”

“To be friends?” Yixing asked.

“No, another chance for us to be together again.”

Junmyeon saw a glimpse of hope in Yixing’s eyes, but Yixing rapidly shook it away and said, “Why? You don’t even love me Junmyeon. And what if you never do.”

“No, not yet, not in the same way you love me. But I know I will, Yixing. Because as selfish as it sounds, something tells me that I can only be the happiest by your side, that you’re the only one who loves me unconditionally. And I want to love you too, I want to reciprocate your feelings and love you wholeheartedly too. I know I will.”

“You can’t force love, Junmyeon.”

“I know, but you said… We’re soulmates, aren’t we?” Junmyeon said hopefully. He stretched out his hand for Yixing to take it.

Yixing stared at Junmyeon’s hand and shook his head. “I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t. I should have some dignity and refuse.”

“You should because you deserve better, and I’m sorry for being so selfish,” Junmyeon said. He still didn’t withdraw his hand.

Yixing sighed, and his eyes stared at Junmyeon’s pleading ones. Slowly, Yixing raised his hand until it was on top of Junmyeon’s. A wide grin formed on Junmyeon’s lips when he felt Yixing’s warm and soft hand palm. Junmyeon carefully grabbed Yixing’s hand and it with his thumb.

“Please don’t hurt me again, Junmyeon,” Yixing said.

“I promise you, I won’t, Yixing.”

Yixing smiled again. He held Junmyeon’s hand tighter, still not letting go.

It seemed everything had fallen into place for Junmyeon. He smiled widely as he stared at Yixing in another recomforting silence. This was a new start for them, and Junmyeon was so thankful that Yixing had accepted him again.

“By the way, were you the one who left all those Peperos?” Yixing asked out of nowhere.

Junmyeon blushed and then nodded. “Yeah.”

“I guess I’ll have to tell the janitor that those were really for me,” Yixing said and chuckled, “Thank you.”

That same day Junmyeon had apologized to Yixing, he knew there were other people he needed to fix matters with. So, after spending some time talking with Yixing and telling him about how things had gone this past month, Junmyeon asked Yixing if he could follow him to Luhan’s house. Those days of meditation Junmyeon had spent, he also realized that if he wanted to start on the right tracks with Yixing, he shouldn’t be on bad terms with anyone who was Yixing’s friend.

So, Junmyeon stood nervously yet again outside a door. Yixing rubbed his shoulder and said it was going to be okay. He took courage and rang the doorbell.

Luhan opened the door smiling, and within less than two seconds it was replaced with a frown. “What the , Junmyeon? I thought I told you to stay away from Yixing,” Luhan said.

“Wait, what?” Yixing asked. “You did what?”

“He came looking for you the other day, but I told him to stay away. Apparently, he doesn’t listen,” Luhan replied pointing at Junmyeon.

“Luhan, you had no right to do that.”

“It was for your own good Yixing!”

“You don’t know what’s best for me.”

“Oh, and you do? Have you forgotten-”

“Please stop!” Junmyeon interfered. This was not how things were supposed to go. He wasn’t there to cause any fights between the two friends. He had promised he wouldn’t hurt Yixing anymore. “Yixing, please don’t blame Luhan, he was trying to protect you. And I’m glad he stopped me that day because otherwise, I wouldn’t have reconsidered about my mistakes like I did now,” Junmyeon said looking at Yixing. Turning around to face Luhan, he said, “Luhan, could we please talk in private?”

Minseok appeared from behind the door. He smiled and greeted Junmyeon and Yixing. “Lu, I’m heading out to buy some beverages. Yixing come with me, so we leave these two to talk,” he said.

Yixing looked unsure for a moment, but after Junmyeon had nodded for him to go, he and Minseok left.

Once they were alone, Luhan said, “Well, talk, because once they return, I’m not listening anymore.”

Junmyeon breathed in. “First of all, I have apologized to Yixing, not only for how I left him recently but for everything I did to him. I honestly mean it, I’m sorry for everything.”

Luhan huffed.

“I have asked Yixing to give me another chance. I want us to start again, rebuild what we used to have, and Yixing accepted.”

“He’s making a terrible mistake,” Luhan said while shaking his head.

“It’s understandable you think that, but I have promised I won’t hurt him anymore. I won’t.”

“Promises are made to be broken,” Luhan replied.

“Luhan, I know you’re angry with me for being a coward, for hurting Yixing and now for coming back as if nothing had ever happened. I understand that, but you don’t have to worry anymore. I will mend all my previous mistakes, and I’ll make sure to make Yixing happy… I hope one day you see the sincerity in my words, and we get along for Yixing’s sake. You guys are all his friends, and I wouldn’t want to cause any trouble between you all.”

Luhan sighed and said, “The thing is, yeah, I’m mad at you, Junmyeon. But not only because of all the you did to Yixing but also because… We were all friends Junmyeon! For god’s sake, you, me, Yixing, Minseok, Kyungsoo, we were all friends.”

“What?” Junmyeon asked confused.

“And when you left, not only did you leave Yixing behind but also us! You ignored us, our calls, our texts, you pushed us away just like you had done with Yixing. You left without an explanation. Call me petty, but what the was that? We were friends, Junmyeon. For seven years! But apparently, that didn’t mean for you, because you easily tossed us, me, away.”

And then Junmyeon realized it, as he saw Luhan’s sad expression. He knew they had been friends, Yixing had said it. But he had missed seeing that his past actions had also hurt them, not only Yixing. Luhan was right, if they had been friends for seven years, how could he have put them aside so easily? What kind of friend would do that? No matter how much Junmyeon wanted to answer those questions, it was impossible. He didn’t remember it, and he would probably never do.

“I’m sorry, Luhan,” Junmyeon apologized and bowed, because yes, he and the others also deserved an apology. “I’m really sorry for just leaving like that… You have all the rights to be mad at me. I was an awful friend. And I might not know why I did it, but I’m still deeply sorry.”

Luhan remained silent, and Junmyeon remained bowing.

After what seemed an eternity, Luhan spoke. “You deserved to be yelled at, for me to keep insulting you, scream all the reasons why you are a terrible person, and that I’ll never forgive you.”

That hurt, but Junmyeon still asked, “Then, what’s stopping you?”

“You’re willing to let me scream at you for something you don’t even remember doing?”

“Yeah,” Junmyeon nodded. “Yixing didn’t do it, he was pretty calm. But somebody should. It’s the least I deserve after all I have done.”

Luhan laughed.

Junmyeon stood straight and stared at Luhan. “What?” he asked.

“You’ve always been an idiot,” Luhan said. And for the first time ever, Junmyeon saw Luhan smiling. “Well, it’s months later but, hey at least you’re assuming your mistakes and apologizing.”

Junmyeon smiled back. “Sorry for being this late.”

“I still haven’t forgiven you completely, but I’m willing to try. Now get in before Yixing and Min asked why we’re speaking in the hallway,” Luhan said.

That was enough for Junmyeon. He followed Luhan in, but as he removed his shoes, he worriedly asked, “Do you think Minseok and Kyungsoo will feel the same?”

“Minseok will surely forgive you right away, that’s how he is. But Kyungsoo…”

“Won’t?”

“Well, if you can explain why you were on a drinking date with some man right after breaking up with Yixing, then I guess he might try. He doesn’t like cowards, liars, or cheaters for that matter.”

Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows. “But all the people I’ve talked to said I never dated anyone during those three months.” Or well, that was what his old self had said. Now, Junmyeon was getting anxious.

“I don’t know. But that’s what Kyungsoo saw. I’m not sure about the date part, but Yixing doesn’t believe it, or well he thinks you might have been drinking with a friend.”

Junmyeon nodded, “It could have been Jongdae,” he said.

Luhan nodded too, “In the meantime, I guess Kyungsoo’s grudge against you will count for us all. But don’t worry, I know one day, he’ll come around,” he reassured Junmyeon.

Junmyeon hoped Luhan was right.