Twelve years earlier

Everything was covered in white as they walked down the park. A trail of footsteps was imprinted on the road behind them. Faint snowflakes landed on top of their heads and shoulders. Their little fingers were intertwined with one another despite the coldness that invaded them. Their voices and the squeaking of the snow as they strolled were the only sounds of the night.

“I think that’s a good spot,” Junmyeon said and gestured for them to sit down.

Yixing followed him. He removed the backpack he was wearing, sat on the bench, and rested his head on top of Junmyeon’s shoulder. Junmyeon held Yixing’s ice-cold hand and put them in his pocket. Yixing smiled and squeezed their tangled hands.

“Merry Christmas, Jun,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon turned sideways and kissed the top of Yixing’s head. “Merry Christmas, Xing.”

Yixing looked up, his dimples sank on his cheeks. And Junmyeon couldn’t resist the urge to kiss those plump lips. So, he did, albeit it was too brief for his liking. Even if nobody seemed to be around, they could never know for sure. Then, Junmyeon tilted his head towards Yixing.

They didn’t say much, only sat there, holding hands inside Junmyeon’s pocket, and wishing that their lives wouldn’t take different paths in two months. Neither of them wanted it, their secret happiness, to come to an end.

The growl of Junmyeon’s stomach broke the silence. Yixing grinned, “Somebody’s hungry,” he said. Embarrassed, Junmyeon laughed and nodded.

Yixing let go of Junmyeon’s hand and opened his backpack. He took out the wooden lunch box along with two sets of chopsticks.

Attentively, Junmyeon observed as Yixing removed the lid from the lunch box. A pleasant aroma spread around them. And Junmyeon’s mouth watered as he saw the perfect assembled food.

“I cooked this for our Christmas dinner tonight,” Yixing said. “It’s Márén xiāngsū yā or Crisp sesame duck.”

Finally, Yixing had brought some Hunan food for Junmyeon to eat. Even if his host mother had said his cooking was spending, Yixing was a bit of a perfectionist, and he wanted to impress Junmyeon. So, his earlier attempts had never been tested by his boyfriend. This was the only dish Yixing was pleased with the outcome. He told Junmyeon to take the first bite.

“Maren xiangsu ya,” Junmyeon repeated but with the wrong intonations. He had said he wanted to learn Chinese in college, and Yixing was happily teaching him in advance. “It looks incredible, Yixing.”

Again, there was a dimpled smiled on Yixing’s face, maybe even a faint blush, Junmyeon couldn’t see it clearly. He held the chopsticks and grabbed a piece. From the moment, the flavor invaded his mouth, Junmyeon knew Yixing was going to be a hell of a chef.

“Wow… I think this has become my favorite dish ever. This tastes amazing,” Junmyeon said. And in the years that followed, that dish remained to be his favorite.

Yixing beamed and said, “Don’t lie, Jun.” Yet he couldn’t help feeling proud of himself.

Junmyeon took another bite and said he would never lie about it. Yixing joined to eat with him. And so, they shared a meal together, even if in less than an hour they would have to return to their homes and eat Christmas dinner. Junmyeon kept praising Yixing for his cooking skills and encouraging him to talk to his parents about culinary school. He had too much talent to be wasted on something else. Yixing appreciated the support and also explained to Junmyeon a little more about the Hunan cuisine.

When they had finished eating, and it was almost time to go back, Junmyeon brought out a small box from his coat. “This might be… extremely cheesy, I’m sorry, but I just liked the idea of it,” he said. “Again, Merry Christmas.”

Yixing took the box and opened it. There were two necklaces inside with a square pendant and the inscriptions ‘Jun’ in Korean and ‘Xing’ in Chinese. He smiled and looked at Junmyeon. “Couples necklaces,” he uttered.

“It’s too cheesy, right? I should have listened to Sehun,” Junmyeon said, looking away.

Rapidly, Yixing cupped Junmyeon’s cheek with one hand and turned him around. “Hey, I mean it when I say it’s lovely,” he reassured. “Thank you.”

Junmyeon closed his eyes and leaned into Yixing’s touch. There was a smile on his lips. Then, he opened his eyes and took the Jun-necklace. He put it around Yixing’s neck and caressed the skin surrounding the pendant.

Yixing followed suit and put the Xing-necklace on Junmyeon. He also took out his present from the backpack and handed it to Junmyeon. “It’s probably not as sweet as your gift… but still, Merry Christmas, Jun.”

Junmyeon grabbed the paper bag and brought out the item. It was a marine blue woolen scarf. He buried his face on the fluffy piece of fabric, hugging it. “What are you saying, this is perfect, Xing. Thanks,” he said.

“I-I knitted it myself,” Yixing said meekly.

“You’re full of surprises,” Junmyeon said. He placed the scarf on his lap and put his arm around Yixing. He hugged him sideways and inhaled that familiar apple-scent.

Yixing looked around and saw nobody. Quickly, he pressed his lips against Junmyeon’s. “I love you,” he muttered.

January had been a time of happiness, bliss, and joy. But then February had arrived, and there was almost one week left until the graduation day, some more until Yixing’s flight back to China. Everything had gone by fast, too fast. The caresses, the touches, the kisses, the I love you, the hugs and the clasped hands in secret, hadn’t been enough. They needed more time together, they wanted it, but it was running out from them like a fistful of sand. The striking reality was that they would be separated soon.

Still, they tried to make squeeze every second of their time left together. Unlike other winters where Junmyeon would drive his moped to and fro school, he strolled along with Yixing. They walked, unhurriedly, as if that would make time stop. They also made excuses to see each other after school, even if the workload now wasn’t as much as it once had been.

Today, Yixing would spend the afternoon at Junmyeon’s house. Fortunately, nobody would be home until the evening. On their way to Junmyeon’s house, Yixing thought it would be fun to reminiscence their childhood days by playing on the playground.

The whole idea had sounded childish to Junmyeon. Yet he still had accompanied Yixing on his antics. And they did have fun, despite people seeing them oddly because they were two eighteen-year-olds in a playground. But Junmyeon doubted when Yixing laid down on the snow-covered ground, tossing around the snow with his arms and legs to make an angel shape. They haven’t dressed appropriately for doing that and would probably catch a cold. But seeing Yixing laugh and calling him to lay beside made Junmyeon follow Yixing anyway. As a result, both walked home with wet clothes and trembling uncontrollably.

The first thing Junmyeon did after closing the door was to ravish Yixing’s lips like he always did when they were alone in confidentiality. They were both cold and quivering, yet it was the caress of lips that felt like the number one priority. Junmyeon kissed Yixing until both their lungs ran out of air.

He took Yixing’s hand and guided him to his room. Junmyeon changed into a comfortable attire and borrowed his boyfriend some clothes while their school uniforms were in the dryer. After removing the covers from the bed, he gestured to Yixing to lay beside him.

Yixing walked over and cuddled underneath the duvet with his boyfriend. Junmyeon held him in his arms. It was in moments like this that everything seemed perfect, all right.

“What are we going to do when I leave?” Yixing said dejectedly. He broke the spell. He asked the question that had always been there ever since that day in October, but neither of them had uttered. Ignorance had been their bliss, yet it couldn’t last forever.

Junmyeon sighed. “We could… We could try long distance,” he said.

They both knew the implications of that commitment. They loved each other, there was no doubt about that. But they were young and uncertain about everything. When would they see each other again? They couldn’t just grab the next flight to Seoul or Changsha over the weekend. It didn’t work like that, besides, other expenses had to be prioritized. They might be able to see each other once or twice a year during their breaks. What about the time in between? For long would they have to be in a long-distance relationship? And where would they settle after that? There were too many questions, too many uncertainties about the future.

And even if Yixing and Junmyeon trusted one another, they were aware of how difficult it would be to keep things going and how easy it was to be weak. One of them would get tired, one of them would not take the distance anymore, or maybe both will. Anyone would argue that love conquers everything. And sure, they could lie to each other and say that nothing, not even the distance, could separate them. However, deep down, they both knew those were just empty promises bound to break one day.

“At first we would speak on the phone daily. I’d talk to you about my day, about my family, about my time in culinary school, about a new dish I’ve learned to cook, about my doubts and fears with life. Then, I’d say how much I miss you, how much I love you, and how much I wished I had you beside me. I’d wish you goodnight, good morning and send you kisses through the phone. And you would do the same,” Yixing uttered.

“We would make it work. We would put a lot of effort into making it work, into finding time to talk, into not letting silences in between. We would speak eagerly about our future, about how everything will be worth it once time passes. We will hold on to that, that notion that time flies. We would believe that soon, soon we’ll have each other again. It will become our mantra, our prayer of hope.” Junmyeon added. He held Yixing closer to his chest.

“But one day, as the seasons don’t seem to change before our eyes, we would start thinking that time does not fly. And we’ll fully realize it when we’ll need an embrace, yet no one would be there to hold us. When we’ll long after a kiss, a touch of lips, or the warmth of a hand, but we have only our old phones to hold on to.”

“Then we’ll get tired, frustrated, and impatient about waiting. Irrationally, we would like to take the next flight to Seoul or to Changsha, but life would be there to hold us back because you can’t leave in the middle of the final weeks. And we’ll blame one another for not making enough effort to come and see the other,” Junmyeon said. He the necklace Yixing was wearing. “Slowly we’ll drift apart. The phone would ring less. The morning or nightly calls will reduce to maybe once a week because we’ll have less and less to talk about. We’ll lose interest in those small conversations. They will become a burden rather than a pleasure. The words ‘I love you, I miss you, we’ll see each other soon,’ will become meaningless, a tale heard over and over.”

“And we will meet someone else. Amid the decay of our relationship, another one will blossom. This new someone would be there to make us smile, to make us laugh, to cause of a whirlpool of butterflies in our stomachs. And we’ll start seeing them with the eyes we used to see each other,” Yixing said.

“One day we’ll fall weak to a bodily desire, and our lips… will kiss that someone else.”

“Out of guilt, we’ll confess. Maybe the other one will say the same thing, maybe he would be heartbroken, maybe even relieved. Or maybe we don’t even utter a thing about the unfaithful kiss. Either way, one day everything will be said out loud. That it was tiring to have a relationship with a device and a voice. That since a long time ago, things didn’t feel the same anymore. That there wasn’t any love left.”

“And then… We would break up,” Junmyeon said.

Yixing and Junmyeon laid in silence, holding each other for a long time. The words they had just said, they could envision some of them, maybe even all of it happening.

“Long-distance relationships never work, do they?” Yixing said, finally breaking the silence.

“No.”

“But long-distance friendship might.”

“I guess that leaves us…” Junmyeon trailed off.

“Breaking up,” Yixing stated.

The couple sighed. It wasn’t what neither of them wanted, they didn’t say out loud but knew they shared the same feeling. Were they giving up too soon? No, it was the optimal choice, the unavoidable path they would take at some point, even if they tried to make things work.

“Then we better make the best of the time we have left,” Junmyeon said. He moved to lay on top of Yixing and kissed him roughly. So roughly, that his plump pink lips turned a slight shade of crimson, and a prominent bulge formed on both their lower bodies. Soon, clothes were tossed away here and there.

Yixing’s plane was to depart on a Sunday afternoon. The day before, his host family held a farewell party. Everyone he had met, from close friends to mere acquaintances, came to say their goodbyes. They hoped that one day he would come back to visit them. He sometimes wondered why people couldn’t say they’ll go see him in Changsha instead.

Now, he was standing in front of the check-in counter, handing in his luggage. The Chois, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Sehun, and of course, Junmyeon, were there to accompany him. He returned shortly, and the group walked over to the airport security checkpoint.

One by one, he said goodbye and hugged his companions. Yixing thanked his host mother and father for everything they had done for him. He thanked Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Sehun for being the best of friends. And then it was time to say farewell to Junmyeon.

Yixing walked over to stand in front of Junmyeon. He saw how watery Junmyeon’s eyes looked. His own eyes started to glisten, and he felt a lump in his throat. Yixing couldn’t take it anymore and embraced Junmyeon. It didn’t matter that they were in public, that someone might see them, it didn’t matter, he needed that last touch.

“I love you, Jun. I’m gonna miss you like crazy. Thanks so much for being the best first love one could ever wish for,” Yixing whispered in Junmyeon’s ears. He wanted to say more, to express all the adoration he felt for Junmyeon, but he couldn’t say it. Not when each word had caused him a crack in his heart. His chest stung, even more, when he heard Junmyeon cry. Tears soaked his left shoulder, and Yixing couldn’t hold back his own tears anymore. He brought Junmyeon closer to him.

Junmyeon exhaled and inhaled until he was sure he could talk without stammering. “I should be the one thanking you. I’ll miss you more than you think. You were the best that could ever have happened to me, and it is a pity we must part in different ways. But who knows, maybe one day fate will give us our next chance… I love you, Xing.”

They held each other until Yixing’s flight was announced. It could have lasted from one hour to just a couple of minutes, they didn’t know. Their embrace had made them lose all time perception. Reluctantly, they let go of each other. They cleaned their stained faces.

Yixing walked over to stand in the security line. He turned around and waved goodbye to everyone, his gaze lingered on Junmyeon longer than on the others.

Junmyeon saw Yixing placing his backpack on the x-ray machine. He saw him passing through the metal detector and a police officer screening him. Then, Yixing walked through the blurred glass doors and so, he was gone.

The days that followed, Junmyeon spend them in his room, heartbroken and miserable. He laid on his bed hugging the scarf Yixing had given him. Junmyeon had used that scarf probably every day since Yixing had given it to him.

However, his room wasn’t the ideal hiding place, after all, he and Yixing had spent so many special moments inside these four walls. But maybe it was just because of that, that he didn’t want to leave his room. The freshness of those memories still lingered there, for him at least.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun dropped by occasionally, trying to cheer him up a bit. Meanwhile, Sehun had been the one to come see Junmyeon frequently, almost daily. The first time he had reproached Junmyeon for being an idiot and not trying to make things work with Yixing long distance. But after Junmyeon explained why things weren’t as easy as they sounded, he didn’t say anything anymore and just held his cousin company.

Yixing had given Junmyeon the phone number to his house and Junmyeon had given him his. However, neither of them had called. They agreed it was for the better, at least for the first weeks. Hopefully, that would facilitate things for them, and they could heal quicker from their heartbreak. They agreed to that, even though neither of them wanted to move on.

The weeks passed while Junmyeon mourned the loss of his first love, and without hearing anything from Yixing. And before Junmyeon knew it, his first semester at SNU was about to start. It was that reminder that motivated him to get up from the bed and start cleaning his room. His mother had gotten tired of nagging him to clean the mess. So, the untidiness got more and more until it had become one of the worst messes he had ever lived with. Thankfully, Sehun had been there to aid him.

Newly showered and with a room smelling like lilacs, Junmyeon sat down on the floor sorting out the last things, the reminders of Yixing. He knew he didn’t want to throw anything, they were too meaningful to get rid of. But he also knew that keeping them in a place where he saw them wouldn’t help heal the wounds in his heart. So, he decided to gather everything, the empty Pepero boxes, the necklace, the scarf, the pictures, the love notes, and the lightsaber, on a storing box. He put the box on a shelf in his closet.

He looked out his window and saw that the snow had almost melted. Spring was about to start. The reminiscence of a raven-haired boy playing the piano came to his mind. Had it already been a year since then?

Junmyeon walked over to lay on his bed. He stared at the ceiling and thought that first love was the most beautiful bittersweet thing ever.