His grip around the sink tightened.

“I moved to Guangzhou seven years ago, I work as a pharmacologist. I liked going to work.”

“I met Zhang Yixing back in high school in Seoul. We reunited years later again in Guangzhou. I’m gay. I used to be in a relationship with him. I was going to marry him.”

“Our relationship lasted five years. I broke up with Yixing in May… I left him a goodbye note.”

“I was in a car accident. It wasn’t my fault. I lost my memory.”

As Junmyeon mouthed his monolog, he felt a stingy sensation that he couldn’t quite place. A pent-up feeling from everything that happened to him. Was it anger? Frustration? Fear? Or confusion? It could be a mix of everything. And as he stared at himself, Junmyeon wanted to scream. All his memories, the ones Yixing told him, and the other ones left to find out, were and will just be words. He couldn’t connect with the events because something lacked… The sensation of going through those happening, the memory of them taking place. So, when Junmyeon heard an old memory, they came to his mind as mere facts. It was exasperating because he needed to understand more than just that information. He wanted to know if he had felt sad or angered because his parents didn’t speak to him. Why had he fallen for Yixing? What in the world had gone through his mind when he left Yixing? Why did he love his job? Why did he decide to move to Guangzhou? Why did he become a pharmacologist? Did he love chemistry? What kind of person had he been before? Why did he act the way he did? He had far too many questions but only a few answers.

However, there was a particular emotion that Junmyeon did feel when he heard memories from his past. It wasn’t a pleasant one, it was fear. He feared to discover things about himself that he couldn’t approve of now, things that might make him realize what an awful person he had been. The goodbye note, for example, he felt so ashamed and burdened about that incident. It was a horrible way to end things with someone. And he couldn’t fathom why Yixing had decided to help him out. If it had been the other way around, Junmyeon knew he would have completely disregarded the idea of helping an amnesic Yixing. But what if his old self had thought differently?

Junmyeon sighed and let go of the sink. He continued staring at himself. That was his face, he was Kim Junmyeon, Korean, thirty-years-old, pharmacologist, apparently used to be a coward, suffers from severe retrograde amnesia, and is living with his former fiancé for the time being.

Regarding this living arrangement, Junmyeon didn’t mind living with Yixing. He thought Yixing was caring, sweet, and nice, perhaps too nice. And Junmyeon was thankful to Yixing for deciding to help him retrieve parts of his past, despite not understanding Yixing's motives. But Junmyeon knew that the sooner he found out about his old self, the better it would be for Yixing. Right now, Junmyeon didn’t feel any romantic feelings towards Yixing, and he would make sure not to develop any. It wasn’t fair that Yixing had to live with the idiot who cowardly left him, the idiot who couldn’t even remember him anymore nor the reason why he had left.

Junmyeon sighed again, undressed quickly, and stepped inside the shower. The ice-cold water hitting his skin didn’t feel as unpleasant as the feeling within himself.

The following morning, when Junmyeon woke up, he wondered what he’ll do about his work in the pharmaceutical company. He still remembered what he worked with and what he did at work, despite not remembering his workplace or colleagues. While they were eating breakfast, he asked Yixing. He told him not to worry about it that it was alright. His boss had given him four weeks off to recover and get used to everything. They expected Junmyeon to come back at the beginning of September.

In the late afternoon, Yixing drove Junmyeon to his apartment. Junmyeon had said that he wanted to see it. Since the hospital had given them Junmyeon’s belongings: his wallet, keys, and smartphone, they could get in. But Yixing had to call Junmyeon’s cousin, Sehun, to find out where he lived now. That’s how Junmyeon had learned he had a cousin who lived in Paris and worked as a fashion designer but was also a former model. Apparently, they had been very close since they were children up till now. It felt odd for Junmyeon to speak with Sehun on the phone, someone who cared for him, but who Junmyeon didn’t recall.

Yixing had also given Junmyeon a new smartphone. His old one remained locked, and it was evident Junmyeon would never remember the PIN code. This phone had both Sehun’s and Yixing’s numbers saved.

When they arrived at Junmyeon’s apartment building, it was considerably smaller than Yixing’s. Junmyeon didn’t remember which floor he lived on, but after looking at the list in the lobby, it seemed that it was on the second floor.

Junmyeon took the keys and unlocked the door. The first thing he noted was the scattered shoes in the hall. As they continued walking further inside the flat, he gawked. The apartment was small and a complete mess. His bedroom had clothes dispersed everywhere, there were tiny shreds of papers on the floor. In the living room, there were empty food boxes and bottles. In the kitchen, there were dirty dishes in the sink and almost no food in the fridge or cabinets. And the place lacked items and furniture that made it a home. It was as if Junmyeon had just moved in and not months earlier.

“Have I always been this filthy?” Junmyeon asked Yixing as he looked around the living room.

Yixing shook his head. “No, you’re not filthy Junmyeon. You’ve had a little trouble keeping things organized, but never like this.”

Junmyeon looked at Yixing. He didn’t know if Yixing was too considerate to tell him that yes, he had always lived like a pig. He wondered how Yixing could have put out with him being untidy when they lived together. From the look of Yixing’s apartment, it was clear that he liked keeping things organized and clean. He wondered how many times Yixing must have nagged at him to clean. Either way, he didn’t ask more about it but felt ashamed of that whole mess.

“I think I better start off with cleaning this dumpster,” Junmyeon said.

Yixing nodded, “Yeah, let me help you,” he offered.

Junmyeon gave him a grateful smile, a smile that Yixing returned.

First, they went to the supermarket and bought cleaning supplies since Junmyeon almost didn’t have any. Then they began cleaning. It took them quite some time to clean everything. In the end, they had gathered five bags of trash and two stacks of laundry. And now that the apartment was neat, it looked minimalistic. Junmyeon kept wondering why his former self had never bothered to buy things like a television, a larger couch, more than just five plates and glasses, why he had only two bedsheets and one pillow. He asked himself many questions and felt frustrated that neither he nor Yixing had the answers to those questions.

Then, Yixing had to leave for work. He told Junmyeon he worked at the restaurant from six o’clock to one in the morning. Yixing offered Junmyeon to follow him so he could eat at the restaurant, but Junmyeon declined. Junmyeon said he could buy something from the store nearby. Yixing seemed worried but didn’t try to convince him otherwise. Yixing also asked if he should pick him up at half-past one, or if Junmyeon preferred to sleep here. Junmyeon looked around his cold and empty home. Honestly, he was quite afraid of sleeping alone in that place. So, he told Yixing he didn’t mind waiting for him until late at night. Yixing smiled at him and said he’ll call him when he was outside.

After Yixing had left, Junmyeon went inside his bedroom. As they were cleaning, he had found a box inside his closet that contained some mementos. He didn’t tell Yixing about the box but first wanted to look at it by himself.

Junmyeon kneeled down, brought out the box, and opened it. The first thing he took out was a sword-like item with a red blade. Junmyeon pressed a button, and it emitted a strange sound. He recognized it as a lightsaber. He knew what it was but couldn’t remember where he had seen it before. He wondered if this was a childhood toy if it was the last present his parents gave him. He placed the lightsaber on the floor.

Next, Junmyeon brought out a photo album. The first picture he saw of himself was as a little baby. Two grown-ups were holding him, his parents, he guessed. As he continued scrolling through the album, Junmyeon also observed pictures he took besides another little boy. Then, as he saw photographs of himself as a teenager, the other little boy had also grown. He assumed that must be his cousin Sehun, and with his model-like features, it wasn’t weird that his cousin had become one. There were two more unfamiliar faces as he scrolled forward. A short raven-haired boy and a taller brunette boy. Junmyeon didn’t recognize anything from those photographs. But as Junmyeon saw himself he noticed how happy he looked, how brightly he smiled beside those strangers. He felt that uneasy sensation again.

When Junmyeon thought of dropping the album and continue searching in the box, he saw a photograph that called his attention. It was of him and apparently Yixing. He almost didn’t recognize him with his hair up. In the picture their arms were surrounded around each other’s, they were smiling, Yixing was wearing a suit, and he was clad in his school uniform, they were holding a small trophy and a bucket of flowers. Junmyeon remembered seeing that trophy on a shelf in Yixing’s living room earlier. He felt a lump in his throat, and he quickly let go of the photo album.

Junmyeon decided to not keep looking inside the box. He picked up the album and the toy, but as he placed them inside the box, he saw many colored small cartons. ‘Pepero’ he read from the Korean words that were on them. Junmyeon saw that Pepero was a brand of Korean cookie sticks covered with chocolate. He grabbed one Pepero package and opened it. There was nothing inside. He sighed. Did he like collecting trash? Or why else had he kept these, what seemed to be, two dozen of empty Pepero boxes?

He put back the empty cookie box. And then he laid down on the floor. Junmyeon lay on the floor until his stomach growled and he decided to head out and buy some food. After eating, he sat in his almost empty living room and waited for Yixing to pick him up.