A new year began, and Junmyeon was happy. He wanted to leave behind the problems that had occurred last year, and rather focus on the new things that’d come, the new moments he’d share with Yixing, the bright future they had ahead. Junmyeon felt alive and joyful. He was content with his work. He had an amazing boyfriend and great friends. Junmyeon had also made his New Year’s resolution to drive again, he was still a tad scared, but that would be more convenient for him.

Shortly after the new year had begun, Sehun and his family said they’d come to visit Junmyeon and Yixing before going back to France. Due to Junmyeon and Sehun keeping in touch regularly through the phone, Junmyeon knew things wouldn’t be awkward at all. Earlier the Ohs had been in South Korea to spent the holidays with Sehun’s dad (Junmyeon had also gotten in touch with his uncle, whom he’ll pay a visit later in the year). So, Sehun could only stay for six days, but Junmyeon had looked forward to it. He could finally meet his cousin, the person his old self used to consider a little brother. It was soothing to know he still had some family left.

Everything had gone well during Sehun’s stay. Junmyeon and Yixing had shown them around Guangzhou (this was the first time the Ohs had come). They had gone out together with Luhan and the others too. Although there was this problem with communication, since Sehun spoke French, Korean, and English, while his wife only spoke French and English. Still, Kyungsoo, Yixing, and Junmyeon had overseen translations. And the group had dinner daily at Yixing’s and Kyungsoo’s restaurant. Thanks to the camera Yixing had given him, Junmyeon had documented most of that time in pictures. Yixing had been right, the DSLR camera gave his photographs a higher and better resolution.

Junmyeon had also taken many pictures of his adorable nine-month-old niece, and he knew Sehun would be glad to have them. There was one particular photo of her that he loved. It was the one of Yixing and her right after she had fallen asleep in Yixing’s lap, his boyfriend had taken a nap too. They had both looked so adorable, Junmyeon just had to frame that moment forever. Yixing would be a great father, Junmyeon could see it from the way Yixing interacted with his niece. It was as if parenthood came naturally for Yixing. Junmyeon was probably rushing into thinking this, they weren’t even married yet, but he couldn’t wait until they could start a family too. He might not be as good as Yixing or his niece’s parents when it came to calm her down from crying or changing her diapers, but he still looked forward to the day he became a father too and would learn those things. He figured he had to ask Yixing to marry him soon.

Sehun and Junmyeon had also bonded. Sehun told him more stories from their childhood and youth. His cousin had even brought their old photos for Junmyeon to see. And the childhood Junmyeon had forgotten about, became clearer thanks to that. Although, Sehun did skip the part about his sickened mother. Junmyeon didn’t want to be nosy, though. He didn’t want to cause people more pain by bringing up those kinds of memories.

Yet Junmyeon still found out about it, and also, the harsh truth behind why his old self had left.

On the sixth night, the group was having dinner for the last time. Kyungsoo and Yixing had joined as dinner guests too. The Ohs had enough hours to spare before going to the airport, but Sehun had asked Junmyeon if they could leave dinner early. They needed to speak privately about something important. It was strange, what could they possibly need to talk about? If it was important, why couldn’t Sehun have said before? Either way, Junmyeon agreed.

Later, the two sat in the living of Junmyeon’s apartment.

“Well, what did we need to talk about, Sehun?” Junmyeon uttered the question after they had been sitting there in silence for some minutes, drinking their cups of tea.

Sehun sighed. He was anxious, Junmyeon saw it in the way his foot tapped the floor, and the way he had been avoiding Junmyeon’s gaze.

“Junmyeon, would you… Would hate me if I knew all along the truth… A truth that could change a person’s whole life perspective…probably in a negative way?”

Hate Sehun? Life changing? In a negative way? Those questions only made Junmyeon more confused. “What? What are you talking about Sehun?”

“Part of the reason I came here was to tell you something, Junmyeon. But every time I thought about saying it, I chickened out. I’ve been cloven about this thing for months, ever since I found out you lost your memory. I still don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but now I feel… You’d hate me either way. Whether I tell you now, or never, things might happen, and eventually, you’ll find out I knew all along.”

Hate him either way? Junmyeon couldn’t think about what Sehun might know that could make him hate his cousin. If it were something about the old Junmyeon, then he wouldn’t even be surprised if his old self had done more stupid things. But if it was about Sehun, then Junmyeon couldn’t see a reason why he’d hate him. He wanted to know. So, even if it would be ‘life changing negatively,’ Junmyeon wanted to know. “Sehun, I’d never hate you. Even if I don’t remember most of it, I know you and uncle have done many things for me. You’re basically my little brother, aren’t you? Please just tell me what’s going on, I can take it.”

Sehun nodded. His gaze shifted from the cup of tea to Junmyeon. “Do you know what ALS is?”

ALS. These letters brought him a shiver, but instantly a part of Junmyeon’s brain had recognized their meaning. “Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. It’s a neurodegenerative disease.”

“Yes. Do you know its symptoms? Its progression? What happens?”

Junmyeon thought about it and was astounded to find out he, in fact, knew it. Apparently, that knowledge had been stored in his semantic memory way before the accident because, after the crash, he hadn’t even thought about ALS. He didn’t understand how this could relate to what they were talking about, but he still said, “Ne-neurons that control voluntary muscle movements die over time. Your muscles weaken and atrophy. Usually, it starts affecting an upper or lower part of the limbs, like a foot or a hand, but it could also start in your throat. Then it spreads. Eventually, people lose all capacity to move their bodies, to talk and swallow. They’ll need a feeding tube to feed themselves, special devices to speak for them, and a ventilator to breathe. The-there is no cure. The average life expectancy after diagnosis is… Two to five years, more if they can afford the cost of 24 hours of ventilator care. Most cases are sporadical, a few are genetic.” He knew much more, but he figured this summarized it.

“Do you know how people live with ALS? How they fight each day to survive?”

That Junmyeon didn’t know. He couldn’t recall anyone who had lived or lived with that illness. But the more he thought about those questions, the more he felt this strange gushing fear and ache to rise slowly. Why was that? “It must be incredibly hard and painful… Going through all of that.”

Sehun nodded. He closed his eyes, and then he slowly opened them again, sighing. “My mom died of ALS. I was ten when it happened, but I remember most of it.”

Junmyeon gulped. So that was the disease that took away Sehun’s mother. He couldn’t imagine the pain Sehun and his mother must have gone through. He couldn’t imagine how Sehun must have felt seeing his mother die like that, how much it would hurt whenever he recalled those times. But his old self had seen it too... And maybe that was why he knew so much about ALS. Even if he didn’t remember those memories of his aunt, maybe the emotional impact had been left there, engraved within him, and maybe that was why his heartbeat had accelerated so much.“It must have been horrible.”

“It was… She had a fast progression. Just six months after being diagnosed, she was in a wheelchair. A year later, she was on ventilator care.” Sehun paused to breathe in. His eyes were teary. “I saw her go from being my strong, caring mom to this quiet existence. But she was a brave fighter. She fought so hard, and believe or not, besides the crying and all, in most of my memories she is smiling. My dad said she wanted to see me grow, no matter how difficult the sickness got and she had to endure it.” His cheeks were damp now. He sniffled, trying to stop the fluids from falling. “Then she-she caught pneumonia, a common complication in the end stages of ALS. So, mom couldn’t live longer than two years… She was only thirty-two.”

Junmyeon stood up and went to sit next to Sehun. He began caressing his cousin’s upper back as Sehun continued crying. “I’m so sorry, Sehun.” It wasn’t much, but that was the only thing he could come up to say.

After a while, Sehun brushed away the tears with his arm. He took in a deep breath. “It’s okay. I healed long ago, I know mom is in a better place now, but it’s always hard to talk about it.”

Junmyeon had no words to say. And he felt horrible because he wished he could give Sehun more comfort than an arm on his back.

“Most importantly Junmyeon what I want to say with this is… Mom’s case wasn’t sporadical.”

After Sehun had said that, he went silent. And Junmyeon went numb, his arm falling on the couch. That meant it was genetic. He knew there was a fifty-percent chance Sehun had it too. If Sehun had done genetic testing, then he could know whether he carried that defective gene or not. Was that what he wanted to say?

“ALS runs in our family. Our uncle, my mom’s and your dad’s brother, he-he died of ALS too. And now our cousin has it. There’s this mutation called SOD1. It’s dominant, so if a parent has it, there’s a fifty percent chance a child will inherit it too. I did a genetic testing a year ago and…”

“And?”

“I don’t have the mutation.”

Relieved, Junmyeon breathed out. But then things fell into place, and Junmyeon fell into the realization of what that ‘life changing in a negative way’ might be. The fear kept rising and rising. “Sehun, last year, did-did I also do a genetic testing?”

Sehun looked down and nodded.

“Were my results negative, too?”

Every second Sehun took to answer, Junmyeon didn’t breathe. He remained there silent, as he waited for hopefully breathe out too.

“No.”

Did he just hear fine? Had Sehun really said that? Could he trust it? “It-it can’t be.”

Sehun grabbed his phone. He scrolled the screen with his fingers. Then Sehun held it up for him. And when Junmyeon saw what was on the screen he knew. It was a picture of his test results. And the main point was no, it wasn’t negative.

That whole accumulated fear unleashed, spreading through the whole of him. Somehow, seeing that paper made everything a hundred more times real. Junmyeon stood up and started pacing around the living room, nervously, almost shaking. He shook his head. He let out a wailing laugh. He felt a lump in his throat. He wanted to scream, curse and toss out his hair. And why did he have this need to cry his eyes out? Was it because he just found out he might suffer a horrible death one day? Because he and Yixing won't grow old together because he’ll die way before him? Because-

“This doesn’t mean you have ALS, Junmyeon.”

“Doesn’t it? Didn’t you just say three of our relatives carrying that ing gene, died or are dying!”

“I’ve talked to professionals, and sometimes the symptoms never appear.”

“But is dormant, right? It’s still there, and there is still a fifty percent chance I’ll get sick, right?!”

“Yes… But there’s that other fifty percent you might not, Junmyeon.”

That might be true, but it still didn’t bring Junmyeon any consolation. He might die of ALS. He might suffer all those horrible symptoms. That was all he could think about. What would he do from now on? How could he live his life knowing this? What would happen between him and Yixing? “Yixing,” Junmyeon said, the tears in the corners of his eyes finally rolled down. Why? What now? Why? He felt he had fooled Yixing with something that might not last forever. And it could have been avoided, the resurface of feelings, the promises, the plans and envisions, everything could have been avoided if only Sehun had spoken. “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?! Why didn’t you say anything as soon as we talked?!”

“Junmyeon, you didn’t even know me. I-I told you I was cloven, I didn’t know how you’d react. If it’d do you good or bad. I-”

“And?! This is important! I would have wanted to know from the beginning. Instead, you waited months, Sehun, months! And you say it now, five hours before you leave? Why Sehun?! Why didn’t you say it earlier?!”

Sehun stood up and grabbed Junmyeon by the shoulders, stopping him from pacing back and forth. “Because I didn’t want you to be miserable and kill yourself!”

They stared at each other, trying to calm down from the outburst of raging feelings. It was then Junmyeon noted Sehun was still crying.

Kill himself? That option hadn’t even crossed his mind.

Then Sehun let go of Junmyeon and went back to sit. While Junmyeon stayed frozen in place, looking at him.

“I know you’ve told me you think that the Junmyeon from before the accident left Yixing to fool around because he was a selfish prick and whatnot… You even said he had slept with that Yifan, but that’s not true! You did see that man, but you told me you only vented out your frustration to him, nothing more. Nothing, nothing was like you think, Junmyeon.”

And so, Sehun finally explained the truth of why Junmyeon had left, the wicked plan his old self had come up with only to spare himself and Yixing the suffering. Sehun also explained how those three months were the worst he had seen in the old Junmyeon’s life. Even if Junmyeon wanted to appear strong, Sehun knew Junmyeon was a complete mess, and Junmyeon told him so too. Every time he had to push away Yixing he cried himself to sleep, cursing and hating himself… But he still wasn’t going to change his mind. Rapidly everything had stopped mattering to him, which explained the disaster his apartment used to be. And there was so much more he hadn’t known about the old Junmyeon. It hadn’t only been Yixing who had been in agony.

“I’m sorry for lying to you when you asked me. I said I respected your choice, Junmyeon but I never really wanted you to kill yourself, to end up all alone like that. When Yixing called me and said he was helping you after the accident, I was happy, relieved. You loved him so much, even now you still do. I knew you’ll be happy with him. I wanted you to be happy. And I hope this time you… You choose to be with him despite the uncertain future ahead.”

Junmyeon didn’t answer back. He was scared, angry, saddened, disheartened and so much more altogether. For a long time, he had wanted to know why. He had dug in the depths of his brain for an answer. He had wanted to know. But now that he finally knew the truth, the harsh truth of why he had hurt Yixing so much, he wished he hadn’t. This had dug up more than just the reason why he left, it had condemned him to live with fear. And all this time he had called his past self a coward, but he was actually the bravest? That Junmyeon had decided to kill himself before being in so much pain, he had been determined to do it. That determination had made him commit all those mistakes, even if it was also destroying him. And the Junmyeon right now, he couldn’t even bear himself to think about committing that deed. Kill himself? How could he? He didn’t have the courage to do that. Maybe he was the coward. He was afraid of dying with ALS, but much more of taking a knife and cutting his wrists to avoid that suffering. He laughed miserably amid his tears. He would probably suffer that slow or fast awful death. For some reason, he knew, he felt he would live with ALS one day. He couldn’t focus on the positive odds, he could only think of all the negative outcomes. Junmyeon fell on his knees on the floor, still crying, and said, “I’m going to die.”

“No, Junmyeon. There is a chance you won’t get sick.”

“Your mom was thirty, Sehun. I’m thirty! What-what guarantees it won’t start tomorrow? Or next year, or the year after that? What makes me so special that I won’t suffer from ALS? Tell me, what?!”

Sehun didn’t say anything, and Junmyeon couldn’t have expected anything else. What could he say? What could anyone say? Is not as if anyone knew the answer either way.

Junmyeon curled up on the floor. Sehun stood up and walked over to sit beside Junmyeon. Now it was him who had an arm around Junmyeon’s upper back, trying to soothe him. Junmyeon closed his eyes, hoping that’d stop the crying, but he knew it was in vain. He leaned closer to his cousin not caring that he was smudging Sehun’s shirt with his tears.

‘Why?’

Junmyeon asked himself over and over.