Kyuhyun never caught up with me on time. By the time he was looking me as he stepped out of the hospital grounds calling out my name, I was already riding a bus on the way home. I felt guilty about my abrupt walkout, but this feeling was nothing compared to the piercing words Jessica threw at me. Looking at Kyuhyun looking for me made me guiltier. I took out my cellphone and typed in:

“Don’t look for me. I need some time on my own. Please, leave me alone for now. Don’t worry about me. I’m already in a bus on my way home.”

Sending the message, I stared out the window of the bus, watching the structure of the hospital grow smaller and eventually, disappear. I swallowed. Running away from your problems won’t help you Yoona. A voice in my head said. I’m not running away. I argued. I only need time for myself to think, to reflect, and to find out what I should do with this hectic life. So far, I got no answers.

     When I got home, I didn’t even know where to start. But I knew what I should be doing. So I opened my house with the key in my purse, and then went inside. My mom left a note saying she would be out for the entire day. She still had to go to church, got bills to pay and do some shopping. Setting the note aside, I headed upstairs and took a bath. Even in the shower my thoughts seem to ade me. The water from the shower reminded me so much of the tears I’ve shed today, all because of one fatal incident. I dressed up, brushed my hair and wore my shoes. When I was done, I bade the house goodbye. I have to go to church. It was the only safe haven I had right now.

      I stared at the man crucified on the seven-foot cross; the man who roamed the earth two-thousand years ago; the man who endured inexpressible pain due to the weight of our sins. The man was Jesus. After all this mayhem, He was my only refuge against the pain and torment I was currently facing. I prayed for my sense of mind, I prayed for the welfare of my family, I prayed for courage to face my problems; but most of all, I prayed for Donghae’s recovery. Looking up to the heavens, I hoped that all of my intentions would be answered, even if I was only one of the four billion people in the world.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, that is, until it was nighttime when I checked my phone for the first time in hours. It was pretty packed with unread messages and even a few missed calls:

3 missed calls

15 new messages

I scanned the missed calls first and found out they were all from Kyuhyun. Wondering why he attempted to call me, I skimmed my inbox for answers. Sure enough, about half of the unread messages were coming from him. The rest were messages from my schoolmates asking whether what happened to Donghae was true. I read Kyu’s messages first, for they caught my interest.

The first one was a reply from the message I sent:

Yoona, come on. We can talk about this. Jessica was just in shock that’s all. You shouldn’t blame everything on yourself, again. I’m coming after you right after Mrs. Lee will come back to the room.

The second message came about twenty minutes after the first one:

Yoona, I came to your house, but you and your mom weren’t there. Where are you? C’mon, let’s be sensible about this.

Then the third:

Okay, Yoona, I’m getting worried right now. Why aren’t you replying to any of my messages?

Then the fourth:

Yoona? Hey, you still there? Don’t phase out on me Yoona, there are still ways to solve this.

Then the fifth:

Okay, Yoona, I don’t get why you aren’t answering any of my calls. PLEASE pick up.

The sixth:

Are you mad at me? Please pick up.

The seventh:

Yoona, if you’re planning suicide, please don’t! You still have a lot of life in you, Yoona. Don’t let it to waste!

I laughed quietly reading this message. Did I really seem that melancholic?

The eighth:

Yoona, I called your house. No one is answering! Are you all still there?

The ninth, the most recent, came about five minutes later.

Yoona, I swear, if you don’t reply, I’m going to your house. I got bad vibes thinking about what happened to you already.

Tapping out my response, I replied as soon as I finished reading the message.

Kyu, it’s me, I’m fine. I’ve just been out all day and so was my mom. I didn’t have the chance to glance at my phone every now and then. I was just finished reading your nine messages.

I waited for him to respond, which took approximately a minute.

Finally! I thought you gave up on me (or your life for that matter). Anyway, are you okay? Or are you still pissed with what Jessica said?

I typed back:

I’m okay, more or less. Regarding with what Sica said, I dunno, I shouldn’t be pissed. I know she’s right.

I was pretty sure how he was going to react with my last sentence, and I was right.

You know that’s not true. How many times do I have to tell you? It was that foolish driver’s fault.

Knowing where this was going, I decided to end the short-lived conversation.

I’m not in the mindset to argue now Kyu. What matters is, you know I’m still alive and not hanging with a rope around my neck. I wouldn’t dream of committing suicide, don’t you worry. I think I’m getting sleepy now; this day really took the toll on me. So I guess it’s good night?

It took him less than a minute to reply back.

You? Asleep at this hour? Oh well, I can’t blame you. Good night Yoona. Don’t give up. Sweet dreams.

He added a smiley at the end and returned the greeting to him. Then with a smile, I placed the phone in my bedside cupboard, tucked in my covers, and fell into a dreamless sleep.

*                                                                             *                                                                             *

     I groaned. Of all the subjects, why did I have Advanced Algebra on my last period on a Monday? My brain was drained as it was and it had to have its rough finale with a mixture of letters and numbers known as Algebra. Don’t get me wrong, I get the concept of the lesson. It’s just that I hate having this subject last, after all my energy had been expended. Moreover, the memory of the past incidents still didn’t leave the vicinity of my brain.

     Ms. Kwang, our Mathematics teacher, was busy writing a set of problems on the board while I was struggling to stay focused. Well rested as I was, this school’s curriculum took a lot of my energy. After she wrote down the set of problems, she called a number of people to answer them. Due to my fatigue, I didn’t even hear my name being called until I was nudged by my seatmate.

“Im Yoona!” Ms. Kwang called; her face stern.

“Yes?”

“What do you mean yes? What is the answer to the problem?”

“I – uh,” I stuttered and realized I didn’t have my glasses on. “Hold on,” I said, digging my bag for my glasses. I heard a couple of students snicker behind me. I had to bite my lip to avoid losing it.

“Sit down, Miss Yoona. A person who knows the answer doesn’t waste time.” Ms. Kwang said in an exasperated tone. I bowed my head in shame. It wasn’t like me to be like this. What was happening?

Advanced Algebra continued for a span of twenty minutes until the bell rang. At last, I thought. I was about to head for the door when Ms. Kwang called my name.

“Miss Yoona? Would you come here, please?” she ushered.

I glanced around, unknowing to expect, and then took unsure steps towards the teachers table.

“Yes, Ms. Kwang?” I said timidly.

“How should I put this,” she said monotonously, “has it ever occurred to you that you have been aloof lately?”

“Yes, Ms. Kwang.” I replied.

“Why is that? It’s not like you to miss out an easy Algebraic expression.”

“Ms. Kwang, if you’d excuse me, it’s just that I’ve been so stressed out lately. The news about Lee Donghae, I was involved with that. The busy class schedule I had, the things I have to attend to. I told the secretary during the start of class not to put Algebra on my last period on Monday, but she said I could handle it.” I paused; I didn’t know what else to say.

“Yoona, time never was a problem for you in the past. I would expect better performance from you in the future.” She said and then let me out without further word.

     I was still thinking about what Ms. Kwang had told me and worrying on how I could make it up to her. Rarely was I a student who becomes a slacker. To be honest, I think this was my first time. I was about to head to my locker to drop off my books before I came across a surly-faced Jessica. Judging from her expression, I’d say yesterday’s events still continued to pester her. I tried to retreat and take the opposite direction from the one she was walking, but it was too late. She spotted me.

“Hey! Im Yoona! You think walking out the hospital would save you? Come back here! I’m not through with you!”

My instincts told me to run, and that’s what I did. Sprinting towards the other corridor, I ran like there was a huge fire-breathing dragon behind my heels. Hyperbole aside, Jessica was behind me, yelling for me to stop while calling me a lot of unflattering names.

I was about to make a right turn towards a hallway, but I tripped on my heels and fell onto the ground, dropping everything I was carrying. In no time, Ms. she-wolf slash fire-breathing dragon Jessica didn’t have trouble catching up to me. As I was struggling back to my feet and picking up my books, my face met Jessica’s hand with overwhelming impact. In a split-second, I fell to the ground again, touching the area where Jessica slapped me, my eyes wide with disbelief.

“You despicable being!” she said, her eyes shooting daggers at me. “Hiding from me wouldn’t do you any good! You think you can run away from me?” she said, raising her voice. “Well do you?”

Unavoidably, a crowd of students began to circle around us, all curious of what the mayhem was all about. I couldn’t bear to watch Sica’s infuriated face. It was similar to that of a lion facing its prey; she was the lion, I was the deer. And no matter how I tried, I couldn’t bear to stand up against her. Instead of fighting back, I merely said, “No, I don’t. Just leave me alone Jessica.”

“Leave you alone?! Are you kidding me?” she glared at me, even more furious than ever. “You flirted with my boyfriend and you tell me to leave you alone? Are you even in your right state of mind?!” I cringed, flinching at the word boyfriend.

“I didn’t flirt with him, okay?” I said slowly, standing up. “He only offered to give me a ride. I told him no, but he was persistent. So in the end, I gave in.”

“Would you STOP your acting?” Jessica retorted. “I KNOW you flirted with him and I KNOW that ride home was his ticket towards his accident. How do you sleep at night knowing you’ve caused someone to nearly die? How do you wake up the next day and pretend nothing’s happened?”

As hard as I tried, I couldn’t feel madness towards Jung Jessica. All I feel is fear and anxiety. ”To be honest, I don’t! I wake up every morning feeling bad about myself! I keep blaming myself for what happened! You didn’t need to mention it to me! I was guilty enough! But NEVER and NEVER did I ever flirt with Lee Donghae!” my voice went higher than I expected.

In an instant, Sica’s hand met my face again. “Liar! Quit your lying! You’re already bad enough for causing all his torment! Stop lying!” angry tears spouted from the corner of her eyes.

I was at loss of words. I didn’t know what to say. All I did was ran away from the commotion and out to the school, bumping into Kyuhyun. As soon as I knew it was him, I hugged him and cried until I could cry no more.