This is why I love Kyuhyun as a best friend. Even when I’m surrounded by problems, may it be guilt or love, he knows how to make you smile even during your darkest moments. Still smiling, Kyuhyun and I walked up to Donghae’s room.  I pursed my lips when I saw the sign emblazoned on the door: S-259. I hesitated when Kyuhyun reached out to knock on the door. “Should we?” I asked.

He looked at me incredulously. “Of course we should. We waited half the night just to see him, remember?”

“I know, it’s just that, I’m not sure whether I could control myself.”

“Hey,” Kyu smiled reassuringly. “You got this. You’re a big girl Yoona, you know better. Moreover, I’ve always got your back. You won’t be alone, Yoona. You can count on me.”

I smiled. I nodded, and Kyuhyun made three light taps on the hospital door. Seconds later, it was opened by a rather weary-looking woman. “Kyuhyun,” she said, her face lit up in recognition. “You’re here. Thank God.” She opened the door for both of us to go in.

“Good morning Mrs. Lee, this here is Im Yoona, my best friend. Yoona, this is Mrs. Lee, Donghae’s mother.” He said, introducing the both of us.

“Good morning Mrs. Lee,” I said. “I hope things haven’t been too rough on you.”

She gave a wearisome smile. “I’m afraid they have been, dear. This unfortunate incident kept me up all night. Come in, there’s some food on the table. Help yourselves.” Worn-out as she was, she still didn’t forget her hospitability. I smiled in return.

“It’s okay Mrs. Lee. We just ate downstairs. We’re more than full.” I said politely turning down her gracious offer.

“Oh, that’s good.” She paused, unknowing what else to say. Her face was the perfect example of a mother who was up all night taking care of her sick child. Looking at her, I pitied her.

“Mrs. Lee,” Kyuhyun began. “How’s Donghae? Any changes since your last update?”

She sighed. “Not much, really. He’s still unconscious, bedridden, and all those other horrible stuff.”

I stared at the linoleum floor, my eyes downcast. He wouldn’t have been if it wasn’t for me. I thought. Even in her description, it seems bad. How on earth am I supposed to face the real thing?

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Lee. Hae will get better, that’s for sure.” Kyu said earnestly.

“Of course,” she replied, her face hopeful. “And hopefully, he’ll recover fast too. He’s already missing out on a lot of things. The doctor says he’ll be confined for about three weeks to one month.” she paused and let out a sigh. “But I pray every day and night that his recovery would be speedier.”

“Believe me, Mrs. Lee, there’s nothing we’d like more than to see Donghae up and going again.” Kyu said, giving the poor woman a genuine smile. “Uh, could we see him by the way?”

“You could,” Mrs. Lee said. “But it might be a bit of shock on your part.”

“We can handle it. Right, Yoona?” he nudged my arm.

I shrugged, my thoughts flashing back to my dream, unsure of what to expect. After all, I was still having a hard time differentiating fantasy from reality.

      My dream told me that Hae would be bruised, bloodied, tattered and unconscious. Well, thank God that the first three things are not what I see. The thing I didn’t expect, however, was to see him wrapped around a mass of bandages. Most of his body was covered with them, ranging from his head, down to his torso, then down to his lower limbs. I expected some fractures, and he did have casts on both of his legs and one of his arms. His free arm was attached to a clear tube from a suspended IV container which was already half-empty. Near his bed was a screen showing his heartbeat, the same thing I was in my dream. Only this one, to my extreme relief, showed that Hae’s heartbeat was normal and stable. Other than the things I mentioned, he looked fine – for a person who survived a crash from a ten-wheeler. My heart rejoiced, for he was going to be okay. But a part of it still ached from seeing him in this terrible condition.

I breathed. “He’s fine.” I said, and then added, “In a relative sense.”

 “He’s gonna be alright. It’ll take time, but he will.” Kyu smiled, giving me a comforting shake on the shoulder.

“He will be.” Mrs. Lee said. “He will.” then out of the corner of her eye came out a tear. I had to look away to avoid crying myself; whether it may be in relief or in muted agony.

Kyu approached the now crying woman, patting her on the shoulders. “He WILL be Mrs. Lee. He WILL. You’ve already done much for him. Look at him, he’s alive. He WILL come back home Mrs. Lee; that I promise you.”

The woman smiled. “I know he will be.”

     Kyuhyun and I were now inside the same room. Kyu was taking the extra bed and was trying to get some sleep which I insisted that he would do; while I sat near Donghae’s side, watching the lines created by the electrocardiogram, ready to call for assistance if anything should go wrong. Mrs. Lee left the room. Apparently, the poor woman still hadn’t eaten yet. When we told her that she should eat, she said that she would just eat few of the snacks on the table, but Kyuhyun refused. He told her he needed real food, and a real meal. She needed a break from monitoring Donghae all night. She finally agreed to head downstairs to eat, if we would guard Donghae for her. We didn’t think twice in saying yes.

I looked at the mummy of a patient that was Donghae. The bandages covered his head almost entirely, it was impossible to recognize him if it weren’t for his unmistakable lips, which were highly recognizable even if they were immobile and closed. Oh Donghae, I thought. What did you ever do to deserve this? I stared at the stillness of his being, slightly afraid that it would be something permanent. No, Donghae will be fine. I honestly didn’t know how many times I’ve told myself the same statement over the past hours ever since I heard the bad news. But if I were willing to make a bet, I would readily vouch that this was my millionth time of reassuring myself repeatedly with the same words.

It was impossible to imagine the pain he was currently feeling. It was even harder to imagine how he looked like underneath all those bandages. Thinking all of these, it wasn’t hard to make the feeling of guilt make its reappearance. Staring sadly at Hae’s face, I poured out all my unanswered questions and all the things I wanted to say to him unto his limp, unresponsive form.

Donghae, can you hear me?

I’m sorry. I’m really, really, sorry.

If only I could turn back the time;

I could save you from the undeserving pain

Why?

Why did you insist on taking me home?

Why was I so stupid to accept your invitation after the many times I said no?

Why was I saved from the danger you were about to face?

Why were you struck right after I was gone?

Why wasn’t I there when you were in pain?

Is this the best I can do now?

Pour out my questions to you while holding back my tears?

Inevitably and unconditionally, tears started to well up in my eyes and started to cloud up my vision. For once, I was glad that Kyuhyun wasn’t here to comfort me. I was crying. I needed this. I’ve locked my feelings for far too long now. I needed to let them out. I needed to empty up my sadness even if crying was my only outlet. So I cried. And my tears fell down into Donghae’s casted hand, wetting the newly hardened cement. If only I didn’t exist. If only I didn’t meet you that day, you wouldn’t have ended up like this. You were better off without me. I’m not good for you. I’m the bane that entered your life. I continued to cry. I didn’t know how long, but I cried. I only stopped when I heard the knock on the door. Wiping away my tears would be futile; anyone could tell I was crying just by one stare at my face. So, I didn’t wipe them away. I walked up to the door and opened it without hesitation.

It was Jessica. She had been crying too. ”Where is he?” she sobbed.

“He’s inside.”

Pushing me aside, she entered the room without further questions or even a greeting towards me. She headed straight to Donghae’s bed and started sobbing. “Oh, Hae, why?”

I stared at the other girl who was crying for Donghae. She is the girl in Donghae’s life. She was the one who deserved a spot in his heart. Why me? Why did I have to meddle? Why did I have to walk in and ruin a whole lot of people’s lives? The blind rage I felt before came about again. And it wasn’t directed to anyone. It was directed straight at me.

Jessica stopped sobbing. She turned to face me. “Where were you last night?!” she accused. “Donghae was looking for you! One minute, I was waiting for him, and the next thing I knew he was gone! They say he gave you a ride! Were you flirting with him? Look what has happened! Are you happy now?!”

My face hardened. I didn’t know how to reason out. I didn’t know how to respond. I just stood there, swallowing her hateful and spiteful words but not making an argument out of it. I was just too drained, emotionally and physically to utter out a response. I only stared at her fiery brown eyes which seemed to pierce my very soul.

“If it weren’t for you, this would never have happened!” she screamed, her voice ambiguous with grief and hate.

That was when Kyuhyun woke up. “What’s going on?” he asked, alarmed.

“Kyu,” I said weakly, on the verge of breaking down. “I have to go.” I whispered, then dashed outside the room, punched a button in the elevator which came almost immediately. I stepped in, crying and closed the door. I caught a glimpse of Kyu running straight to the elevator before the doors closed. Slumping towards the floor, I cried my way towards the ground floor.