t0pslyfe! Your cheesecake is ready!
Cheesecake Archive
Description
Getting involved wasn't the right choice.
Even if his involvement with the serial killer case allowed him to meet Kwon Jiyong, the illustrious detective in charge, the cons far outweigh the pros.
And with Seungri being the never ending object of the killer's desire and the lines between fantasy and reality blurring beyond anything he can distinguish, Seungri finds himself knee deep in his own personal hell.
Foreword
This story has been brewing in my head for forever, so I hope you enjoy it! Don't forget to leave a comment to tell me what you think! Thank you!
For t0pslyfe:
Title -
- I love it! It’s so creative and pretty and it’s amazing. I just love it and I have nothing else to say except I love it. I wish I could come up with titles like you.
Description/Forward - how much did it catch my attention and relate to the story?
-
No complaints here. You set it up great and I actually read it again after and it got me excited for the rest of the story!
Plot -
Originality - how unique and different is your story?
-
Not really the most original, yet the spin of Seungri’s power makes it a little more interesting than the normal crime-drama.
Believable - in your story's world, how much do I believe this is what is happening?
-
This is a little hard. How believable is a story that you can have this power? Not that much, but it isn’t realistic so, nevermind that. Otherwise, yes. Believable.
-
I think plot is hard for crime stories, but you do it well! Some scenes were a little repetitive; having a kill, have Seungri wear something, and find out a clue. I understand that is the point of Jiyong’s plan, but as a story is can be a little much for me to read. Otherwise, though, once Seungri got that message from the killer, that was AWESOME.
Characters -
Voice - how strong is your narrative voice/the character's voice?
-
Your writing voice is very clear. No problem there.
-
Your characters sound very real. That can be hard to do. Great job at pulling it off!
Development - how much does the character grow in the story?
-
I see that Seungri is growing as a character and I cannot wait to see what the effect of his gift on his mental stability. In fact, I’m really excited to see how you write that!
Personality - how alive do they feel?
-
I already said this but they seem real enough to me. They seem like real people and react to things the way normal people would. Especially Seungri; I feel like most people would forget to include the effect his gift has on him, and I loved, loved Jiyong’s reaction when he found out that Seungri has a boyfriend. Very realistic. Again, good job!
Setting - how well-built and represented is your setting in the story?
-
Setting could use a little work. Describe the scenes of the crimes a bit more to paint a picture in the reader’s head. Especially in a crime story I feel that scene is very important, and you have bits of it, but you could have more.
Mechanics -
Flow - how does the story pace itself and move along?
-
Flow is perfect!
Grammar/Vocab - how many errors were there?
-
I only noticed one thing: when you have someone talking followed by someone else’s action, it can get confusing who is talking. What I mean is “ “I love you.” Seungri sighed. “ So here Jiyong is talking, but Seungri is sighing. Ideally, that should be a start of a new paragraph so it isn’t confusing. Just a small thing I saw you do a couple of times :)
Misc.
Enjoyability - how much did I enjoy your story?
-
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. I WANT TO KNOW WHO THE KILLER IS. IS IT THIS MYSTERIOUS SEUNGHYUN OR IS IT DAESUNG MAKING AN APPEARANCE. Yes, I enjoyed it. In fact, I enjoyed it so much I have a little trouble knocking off points because it was basically pretty flawless to me. There were a couple of things, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Satisfactory - am I satisfied with the way it is progressing/ended?
-
I want to see Seungri go crazy. I want TOP to be the killer. Yes I’m satisfied, but I wanted to read the end!
Total
-
The scene where Seungri puts on the killer’s accessories is just gold. I really love it. If the rest of your story is done like that, I think the story will be so much stronger than it already is.
- Seunghyun is such an interesting character. He’s a mystery and I hope you play him up. I still think he’s the killer, and I’m hoping. But we will see haha
Comments