fangirl_bap! Your cheesecake is ready!
Cheesecake Archive
Description
When everything is not according to plan,
It will lead to misunderstandings,
And misunderstandings,
Will lead to broken hearts,
Broken hearted people take actions without thinking,
And end up killing the other without realizing.
"Hyung, I love you."
"I love you."
"I hate him."
"I hate you."
"I need to get rid of him."
"I'll help you."
"That is not the person I used to love."
"He's dead."
"I don't know you."
Foreword
BaekHyun didn't led a beautiful life as any other happy kids with a happy family. His family was dull. His fashionista mother was dull. His workaholic father was dull. His life was dull. Why must all of this happened to him? He often thought of that. Being bullied, picked up by others it was a usual thing for BaekHyun and it became easier when all of it went unnoticed by his lovely parents. BaekHyun was the only child and heir of Byun Enterprise. To people's eyes, BaekHyun was perfect. He was raised in a wealthy family. He had the money. He had the fame. In fact, he didn't need college to get a work stable life. But in reality, BaekHyun hated all of it. What was the meaning of everything if you didn't get the attention and love you want from your parents?
This was where BaekHyun's life events went upside down. It was the day he became a high schooler. On his very first day, he found his savior and his first crush Park ChanYeol. BaekHyun had never dreamed of having someone to love him dearly, but when ChanYeol kissed him, he knew everything would be alright.
Trailer:
A/N : So, this is a /boyxboy fanfic, if you didn't notice, and read on your own risk. Lol. They might contain things that would make you guys feel QUITE uncomfortable. Adios!
Title (5/5)
It was eye-catching really. After reading the story, I might say that it was a good choice for a title since it was relevant to the story from the start until the current chapter now.
Description/Forward (9/10)
I like how you did these two because in your description it was a “saying” making the readers relay to it too much until they have realized that they were imagining scenes that might or might not appear in the story.
Now about you foreword, to tell you honestly I liked it. You wrote your foreword in a way that the reader would hype and can see that the problem was there and already laid upon. It was really a short introduction of the story at the same time having this "what would happen next" feeling.
Plot (17/20) -
Originality
No question, yes it was unique even though the theme you have used was a main stream. Mafias, Mpreg, and angst. This is the type of theme combination mostly used in a type of stories. But I might say that you have your own story line and I have never encountered something like this.
Believable
I cannot say if it was truly believable for me but it was enough to keep the reader’s interest. Maybe it was because there were so many problems happening at once.
Characters (27/30) -
• Voice
I like how you did this. I was imagining the scenes very clearly. I can feel the feeling you’re describing here. Even though it has too much conversation, it really did its purposed.
• Development
Honestly, I only saw the development of the character in Baekhyun, why? It was because as a high schooler he was innocent and all until Chanyeol tainted him and I really saw the development of his character throughout the chapters until the latest.
Now about Chanyeol, I didn’t see much development in his part because maybe the scenes with some actions were a bit lacking? He was a mafia for god sake but I did not see a clear encounter him being one.
• Personality
In here, I really have no problem since the two of them grew as the story line passes. I’m expecting a little bit more for Chanyeol since I can’t see the mafia attitude he must have.
Setting (9/10)
Nothing bothers me here because like what I have said, your descriptions and narration helped me a lot and readers to imagine I supposed. Everything you have used here was really a mainstream like the school and overseas country but you have used them in your advantage.
Mechanics (13/15)
• Flow
The flow at the first part of the story was fast I admit. I really thought that the story was fast but as the chapters goes by the time pace was becoming slower until it became stable in chapter 20.
• Grammar/Vocab
I was warned about the typo errors and I think you should fix that right away because it did bothered me. My advice would be, check and review the chapter before posting it. It would really help to make the story look a lot professional.
Misc. (9/10)
• Enjoyability
No doubt I did enjoyed your story. I like the twist and fluff together with the heart aches that made my heart clenched too.
• Satisfactory
Yes I am really satisfied on the plot track you were having. Continue having some twist and turns but never forget to have some sweet nothings in there to balance all the angst in the story.
Total (89/100)
I hope that your story would be a success and if you may please, you can follow my advice about Chanyeol’s character and about the typo error. Now for your emotions in the story, there not of a much of a problem there because as I read deeper the deeper the feeling I feel. If youre still not satisfied with the emotion of the story try using deeper English and try to describe it rather than stating it. Really worth reading.
Comments