As I get off the plane, I start to dread walking out of it, and I felt almost nauseous. Don't get me wrong, I love my fans. I'm just horribly terrified of the multiple flashing cameras, and the fact that there will definitely be people screaming hateful words at me. That's right. I'm back in Korea, where my life as a artiste started. I have a court hearing in two days, and hopefully I will be able to reach a settlement with the company this time.
Flashing lights, and high pitched screams greeted me as I walked through the halls of the airport. I politely looked down and tried to avoid any form of contact with the paparazzi. Paparazzi tried to swarm me with questions, as my manager and bodyguards escorted me to the van prepared for me. Shyly waving to my fans, I enter the van. All the tension and stress escaped me when I sank down on the seat.
"What now?" I recollected myself, and quietly asked my manager. "What do I do for the two days? Will I have to go back to SM personally?"
"Don't worry. Just stay in your hotel, alright? Don't give the media any fodder. I'll update you about the lawsuit case." He turns around from the front seat to give me a reassuring smile. "You can do as you please for now. Just don't do anything stupid."
"Yeah, I will." I lean back on the seat, as I took out my mobile phone. Taking a quick selfie, I uploaded it on my social media and reassured my fans. Since reaching Korea, I have gotten many DMs and comments. There were those expressing worry, and there were those begging me to return back to my old group. Thinking about EXO just makes heart clench. I never wanted to leave them. But how could I not? How could I not leave when I was dying on the inside? How could I not leave when the company was taking what was left of me? I feared that I would forever lose myself if I did not leave, which was why I followed the footsteps of Luhan and ah.. Him. The person who made me smile. The person who comforted me when I was down. With him gone, feelings of betrayal soon overwhelmed me, and I said hurtful things that I did not mean. I was young, and immature. I was hurt and broken. Many times I wonder if he still thinks about me. If he still hated me. I'm grateful to Luhan for constantly comforting me.
As I inconspicuously entered the hotel, I started unpacking. Pulling the blinds, I see a beautiful view of the Han river. Feelings of nostalgia and memories soon overwhelmed me. With my arm, I wiped away my tears. How I missed the cycling dates I once had with the others. Many times in China, I wonder if they still went cycling. Did their schedule allow for this leisure activity? I would never know now.
For the months since I left the group, I constantly worry for them, especially Lay, as he was the only one left. Will Lay be okay? Will they be okay? More importantly, does he, like the rest of the world, think I'm a hypocrite? I have always had low self esteem. I have always worried much of what people thought about me. But now, I'm happy. I'm finally doing what I love. Leaving them was a price I had to pay. I was selfish, but rightfully so. I have thought through before acting on it. The many late nights in the practice room, straining myself to practice and dance what I can, so that I do not let down our fans and my beloved brothers. The tears I shed, and the life I have given for this. It was just too much for me to bear, I had to go before I wither and lose what sanity I had left. Turning on my MP3, I clicked on the first song on my list.
There is a Place (有一个地方）- Wu Yifan
I must be a masochist, right? Why do I keep doing this to myself? The orange hue of the sunrise reflects on the Han river, and it just made me think of memories I once had. The fun of just being a normal boy.
With you by my side, I finally stopped wandering aimlessly
Humming the tune of the song, flashes of memories came back to me. I remember the first time I tried to order food in Korea. It was terrible. I didn't know what to say, and the irritation was evident on the employee's face.
"Uh.." I tried to use sign language to convey what I wanted, but it was to no avail. The stress of being homesick, and not being capable to even order food for myself was gradually overwhelming me. But it was you. From the back of the line, you shouted my order. I still laugh when I think of the surprise and irritation etched on the employee's and customers' faces. But of course, the irritation soon ebbed into admiration when they saw your sharp and chiseled facial features. That was the first time anyone tried to talk to me. I understood that I looked fierce and unapproachable. I recognised envy when I see it. The jealousy of all the other trainees when I was brought into the predebut class right after I entered the company. Thank you so much for being my rock. I never got to thank you personally, but trust me, in my heart, many many times I thanked you profusely. The only regret I had was not being able to repay your kindness.
I think back to those familiar streets
The morning joggers and cyclists made me think of us. We used to go for a late night jog and cycle, and then stopped by roadside stores for food. Do you remember the cute poodle that belonged to the lady who made us delicious spicy ricecakes whenever we went for a run? Do you remember the large trees littered by the side of the road, and the clear, glistening water of the Han river? How many times have we talked about missing home there? How many times have we shed tears into the Han river? The streets that used to look so familiar and beautiful to me have now aged and lost its allure. The lady had retired not long after you left the group. Strangely, the familiar streets soon morphed into something strange and unfamiliar.
Think back to the beautiful days that flew away
We had so many beautiful memories together. Thinking back, it all felt so surreal. Remember when we took home our first trophy? The tears, blood and perspiration shed were all worth it when we were finally recognised. We talked about our dreams and aspirations till late at night, and we promised to train and work hard together with the others. So what happened? The beautiful days we once enjoyed together turned ugly. With greed and illnesses, we broke apart. The darkness and uglyness of this industry was too much to bear. Oh, how I wish we could have stayed as rookies forever, and stay in the time where we worked hard to get our first award. I have always felt unappreciated, but it was all okay. You were happy. They were all happy. With that, I was contented. In fact, I was overjoyed. We cycled near by the Han river, ordered in chicken that once 'wasn't your style'. Those beautiful days. I wish it stayed that way. I wish it didn't become so tainted and so twisted. I wish that I really did have my MAMA powers so that I could stop time.
There is a place
Only you and I know
I wonder if you remembered that time when I brought you and the others to the beach in Qingdao. At night, I brought you to my secret place in the forest beside the beach. As a child, I always went there to practice my martial arts. Your expression made my day, when a large amount of fireflies came out to play at night. You told me that you have never seen such a beautiful sight. It was only two of us. I only wanted to share this secret spot of mine with you. You told me that I should bring you here again when we haave a schedule in Qingdao next time. That 'next time' never happened. You left before we could share the beautiful moment together again, and I became so full of hate and bitterness. I'm sorry. If you would forgive me, I would bring you there again as many times as you wish. Perhaps this time, we should bring our brothers with us.
My heartbeat, your smile, it quietly gives me support
When I walk into the courtroom in two days, your smile will be what gives me strength. Your strong leadership and care towards me was what held me together back in those days. I will grasp on to those memories, and the image of your smile will be what gives me the power to carry on. I will fight. I will fight to be happy as well. I will fight to see your smile once again. I will fight in hopes of getting you to be proud of me.
Woo~ I can hear your voice
Always, in my dreams, your deep and husky voice lures me into deep sleep. Your voice soothes me from the nightmares I had. Your voice gives me shelter and provides me with comfort.
Woo~ You are my eternal paradise
That you are. To have you forgive me will be more than I can ask for. Yet, being a greedy human being, it's what I yearn for. The times we have spent together may be just mere memories, but I'll continue hoping that there will be a future. More opportunities to make more memories with you.
I miss all of our brothers. I want to talk to them again. I'm torn apart by the pain and suffering. I'm struggling, and gasping for air. But you keep me sane. You are my anchor and still my rock, despite having already left my side. Sometimes, I'm selfish and wish that perhaps we should have kept ourselves shackled within the system. Perhaps, we should not have been that ambitious and chose to venture out ourselves. But I realise that you're meant to be a star. You were never meant to share the fame with anyone. With bravery and courage you bestowed upon me, I have left to make a name for myself as well.
I love you and in two days, I'll finally know where fate wants me to be at.
The song has ended, and without my control, tears have fell continuously. I lie on my bed, as I hope to dream of the past once again - of your voice, of our brothers, of our families, and most importantly, of us.
A/N : Finally finished the first chapter! Should I continue on with a chapter 2, or should I just end it here? Please do comment and let me know what you think! Thanks for reading.
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