I clenched my fists in anger, as I feel my breath quicken. How dare they. Sitting in the courtroom, I hear my former company's representative refuse to come to a settlement with me. They wanted to continue with this lawsuit, and will not stop until the judge comes to a verdict. I'm so overwhelmed with anger and emotions right now. How dare they? They took away my best years of youth, worked me to the bone, took everything I have, and now they are refusing to let me go? My manager gently taps my thigh, making sure that I do not get too agitated and do something I regret. Hot tears blurred my vision, as the blue of the front of my jeans darkened with the splash of each hot tear. 

Just... Just let me go. I'm so desperate to be done with this entire saga. I'm so tired of being asked questions about this during my interviews. I hate getting copyright claims on my Youtube. I'm just done. I just want to make my fans happy, and make myself happy. I deserve happiness, right...?

"Since both parties are unable to reach an agreement, court will be adjoined. We will hold another court session in two weeks." The judge commands all attention as he leaves the hall. How long will this drag out? I'm tired. My fans are tired. Why can't they let me go? I'll even promise that I'll keep my promotions in China only. I can promise to never venture into Korea for work purposes. I just want to pursue my dreams in my own hometown, and make my fans happy. 

"What must I do before you'll let me go?" I asked quietly, looking down on the floor as I directed the question to my former company's representative. "I can't take this anymore. It will be in both our interests if you'll just let me leave." He gives me an odd look, before leaving the courtroom with a group of employees and lawyers. I almost felt like stomping my feet like a petulant child. If it had been last time, Kris would have pacified me. He would have protected me against all of these greedy people. I'm so alone, and so afraid.

Leaving the courtroom, I was immediately greeted by flashing cameras and the paparazzi. I heard screaming, but I was too tired to even register my surroundings. Hurriedly, I was ushered into the car by my manager. He the radio to try to lighten up the mood.

Miracles in December - EXO

I bit my lip as the familiar tune wafts in. I miss those days. At first, I was merely feeling nostalgic. I felt this wave of sadness, and a lump in my throat.

The selfish me who has only thought about myself

The me who didn’t know your feelings and ignored it

"Turn it off, turn it off!" I screeched at my manager. I just felt so much negativity and pain. My breath quickened. My manager immediately turned off the radio, and the car had an eerie silence. I tried to compose and calm myself, grabbing tissues to wipe my tears and any traces of dry heaving. "I don't know if I can stay in this anymore. I don't want to let down my fans, but this industry is so painful for me to bear." I twiddled my thumbs in nervousness. My manager told me to relax in the hotel, and just sleep this off. He left the car behind, so that I could use it if I wished to later on. 

Later that night, I get a text message from Luhan. 

From : Lu-ge

Zitao, are you alright? Call me if you need me. I'm always here for you.

Honestly, I'm really grateful for Luhan's care and concern. He's so much stronger than me. I might look much tougher, but I never understood how Luhan could be so emotionally strong. Despite my gratefulness, I wanted a text message from him much more than I wanted one from anyone else. Of course I knew that it is impossible. He doesn't even want to talk to me anymore, and he is so successful, doing his own thing in Hollywood. I'm so proud of him, I really am. He is currently fulfilling his dreams of being an international star.

With a sigh, I decided that I should really go for a drive around this area. It will be really nice to relax and feel the wind. I hate being alone, yet recently I find solace and comfort in being isolated and all by myself. My life is an irony. When I went to pick up the car, I found the windows smeared with lipstick. One window pane had a few lines of Korean scrawled messily on with lipstick reading, "Don't hurt our babies anymore, you selfish bastard!" I would assume that the 'babies' refer to the other members of EXO. The hotel employees apologised to me profusely about not taking good care of the car. They washed the car, and returned it to me squeaky clean. Well, having haters is very common, especially when I left such a loved and popular group. I would think that I'm more easily targeted, compared to Luhan and him. Luhan is so loved, despite him leaving as well. I was never anyone's favourite anyways, even when I was still in the group. Maybe it's because I wasn't the conventional good looking guy? Or was it because people thought I tagged around the popular members to gain popularity? I guess I wasn't good enough, even until now.

What on earth is wrong with me? How can I ever get my happiness back? I feel as if I lost part of my soul, and no matter what, I can never be as happy as before. I'm human too. After leaving the group, I'm still the same Tao. Do fans only love me for my image in the group? Am I not their Tao after leaving it? I have feelings, and I realise that I can't please everyone, but yet I can't stop but keep trying. Everyday, I check online for comments about me. Hate comments increase day after day, and one hate comment overwrites the thousands of good comments I see prior. I need someone, yet I find comfort in isolation. I want to leave, yet I want to stay. I'm so confused, and so lost. Is the answer and solution simple? I just don't want to be hated. It kills me on the inside to see hate comments everywhere, and to know that somewhere out there, he still hates me and doesn't want to talk to me.

When I saw the red light, I immediately tried to pull on the brakes. I panicked when I realised that the brakes are jammed. Yet, I feel this sense of calmness when I see the lights from an incoming vehicle. Darkness might not be so bad afterall, if it means I can stop thinking for awhile. My vision fades to black...

A/N : I have decided to continue on with this fanfiction! I'll start putting trigger warnings for the subsequent chapters. Hopefully this story will end up as a hurt/comfort fic, with a tinge of angst. Thank you so much for reading, and I'll really appreciate it if you'll comment. :) Would you guys want m-rated (//coughs ) chapters in the future? Please let me know!