Chapter 3

It was in summer, back when we were still seniors in high school when it happened. I was in the hallway, skipping happily towards my locker, knowing that Jongin was on my tail like he would usually do.

"Jong, guess what!" I chirped, eyes gleaming as I turned to him, my hands on the handle of my locker.

With a bored look on his face, which he so not subtly displayed again with a pinch of irritation, he said, "What again?" I knew he was not in the mood lately, but I didn't think he'd take it out on me and act like this.

My face fell. I didn't want to suddenly tell him the good news so I just shifted my attention back to my locker, gathered all my books in my arms and ignored him.

"Hey, areare you not just so excited to tell me something? Just say it and get it done." He uttered out behind me with much exasperation in his voice again. I slammed my locker shut and whipped away from there.

"Ya!" He yelled, but I never bothered turning. "Hey! What's with you suddenly PMS-ing?!" He grabbed my wrist and spun me around. I was already shooting him a glare the moment we met eyes, his' widened in confusion upon witnessing the look on my face.

Balling my fist in anger, I tried my best in controlling my temper, thinking that he was still my best friend and I knew I didn't want to hurt him either. But he has to hear me out so he knows what he did wrong. "You know what Jongin, if you hate it that much following me around and listening to me, just tell me! Not like this!" His face screamed surprise with me raising my voice like that at him. I never yelled at him. I was never mad at him.

"I've tried my best understanding that you keep being in a bad mood lately, but don't vent it out all on me! I am your best friend! I am not just nothing to you nor was I your punching bag!" I was huffing like mad, my chest puffing in and out in difficulty as I felt my lungs close up and cut my air supply agonizingly slow.

His face softened but it was gone in a second, as if he wasn't even much affected that we're fighting. That we're slowly drifting away from each other lately. "What about you? Who's the one who kept on talking on and on about her gorgeous boyfriend like it was all that matters? The hell do I care about Sehun?" He paused as if thinking of more things to say to spite me when it already hurt to hear him talk like that. "You don't even think about me anymore, or spend enough time with us like you used to. All you talk about is that punk, and we don't even get a say about him! What did he even do to my best friend? Where's the Han Soori that I know? Because I want her back! Not you! I want that silly, stupid, fun, simple, and clingy best friend I have, back!" 

I wanted to correct him that Sehun wasn't yet my boyfriend but I didn't want to look stupid for saying so, that I let him believe what he wanted to. 

All his words were like a huge slap on the face that I didn't even notice one fat tear escaping my eye. It was only then that bead of salty tear slid down my cheek that I realized I was already crying. What were the tears even for? The fact that he flipped on me and that he was mad at me as I was to him or that he said those awful things to me with not any single sign of regret or hesitation? Or both? Or maybe neither?

But besides that, the only thing that stuck mostly is that he thought of me like how he did. I changed? What the heck was he even talking about? I've always been there for him especially when he needed me. And even though I knew he didn't like Sehun for me that well, I remained quiet about his dislike, not that he said anything offensive about Sehun in the open. He was my best friend, but I would never in a million years think he would look at me in a bad light. Not even for once.

He stepped back not long after, anger seeping out of his face that moment he realized what he just said. He was regretful after all, I knew it, but he didn't say he was. He just mumbled a little 'I can't do this with you right now' and ran away hastily in escape, leaving me standing in the middle of judging eyes.

The days and weeks after that, Jongin didn't attend school. I assumed that it was all because of me. That maybe he didn't want to see me. But then I called his house and when his mother picked up, crying, saying how worried she was that his son hasn't gone back home after almost two weeks after learning of her divorce with her husband, I felt sick in my stomach. Maybe Jongin was right when he said I wasn't really thinking of him anymore, because I didn't even have the time to ask him how he was. Maybe he was right that I changed, because that was what happened. I changed. And because I changed, I neglected him and our friends. All I cared about was Sehun.

But I wasn't just going to stand back and let him think that I didn't care about him anymore. I knew all the places where he could be hiding in, so I searched, purposely leaving the summer house as the last place I'll visit. I knew that if he was mad, if he was miserable, that was a place he'll come to, but I stalled for a bit just to make sure I never missed a place to search in. The summer house was our safe place. It was a place full with good memories, and with those memories we live by through the hardest days in our lives. So, I guess, this was it for him. The hardest days of his life, in which he needed me, but I only came when it's about almost too late.

I dragged myself through the sand, not minding every bead pooling inside my sneakers at every stride. When I finally saw the summer house clear in sight, the excitement and anxiety grew in me as I jogged to the front door, slotted my key in and opened the door only to see the house in a mess. My face fell at the stale smell, at the sight of scattered bottles of beer, of dirty clothes piled at one corner of the room, but most of all with the terrible condition a sleeping Jongin on the couch was in. He looked unhealthily pale, his sun-kissed tan without its usual glow. His lips were cracked, eyes sunken, with heavy bags under them. He looked like he didn't eat for days and just drank and drank beer junk to fill himself, more like kill himself.

With meek steps, I sat down on the floor in front of him, my hands already framing his bony cheeks looking so fragile. I was trembling along with my erratic heart. He looked dead, and it was heart breaking. I was looking at, and holding Jongin, but at the same time, he didn't look or seem like the person I knew for all my life. 

"J-Jongin." He stirred, scrunching his brows at my call, but didn't even open his eyes. I tried again, this time speaking louder. "Jongin, it's me. Soori." He squeezed his eyes tight as if trying to block light from seeping through them. He looked so fragile yet so cute like a child that I couldn't think but want to pinch his cheeks. But then his eyes opened in alarm, and without warning he shoved me away in panic while asking me to go away.

I was stunned as I saw him scramble back on the couch, until his back met the end of it. Until he couldn't get any further from me. 

It was only then he stared at me with widened eyes that realization washed on his face, like he just only knew who was in front of him. "S-Soori..." His voice came out broken, but even so, I smiled at him because it was the first time in a while I heard him say my name.

"Jongin, your mother..." I hesitated. Would telling him I knew about his parents divorce be right? Would he open up to me if I did ask? But all hope of being able to talk to him calmly went down the drain when he came snarling at me.

"Mom told you to find me, isn't it?!" He was mad, mad again. And even though I wanted to say 'I came without anyone telling me to find you. I came because I wanted to.', I couldn't do. He probably wouldn't believe me either. When he heard nothing from me, his face hardened even more. "Go away! I don't need you here! I don't need someone who wouldn't care about me"

"I heard that your parents are divorcing." I drawled out, as if that would fix everything, even though I know it won't. Then came silence, so I assumed it was just right to say, "I'm sorry."

He snorted, then laughed spitefully, like mocking me. "It wasn't you who was at fault...why are you saying sorry now? Was that for pitying me? Was that for what ing I look right now?!" He yelled angrily. I bit back the urge to cry because he never was this mad at me. Nor was it in Jongin's character to shout profanities.

I stood up from the floor, legs shaking like crazy as I approached him. "I care for you, Jongin."

"Bull." I flinched when I heard him curse again, but stopped in front of him bravely.

"I was sorry because you were right." Looking him in the eye, I saw his gaze falter for a split second, then he was back to building his walls just when I thought he could finally open his heart to me. "I was not paying you attention. I couldn't even ask you how you've been and what you're going through. I'm sorry." I fell on the couch, wrapping my thin arms around his frail frame. He was trembling, but still kept his guard up as he tried pushing me away. 

"Tell me," He voiced with a dull tone. I braced myself for his next words, but I never assumed I couldn't be any prepared to hear them. "What difference would you realizing what you did wrong could make? Can that change the fact that my parents are divorcing? Could you actually ease my pain with your sorry?" His voice broke, and he cried. Pulling away, he pushed himself further on the couch, keeping a safe distance from me.

"Leave." He said, looking at the wall across him while wiping his tears away. "I want to be alone."

"We both know this is bound to happen." I spat out, pretty much just to spite him. After all I did, shamelessly coming to him and seeing me so desperately saying sorry, he could only want me to leave? That drove me to the edge. I wouldn't heed to his words.

"Leave." He repeated.

I took a sharp intake of breath and said shakily, "Your mother and father have been on and off fighting through their married life. You were used to that, weren't you? You even said you don't care anymore whether they soon file a divorce and"

"I said, leave!" Jongin commanded, glaring at me as he motioned me to the door. I was scared of him at that moment, even my erratic heart was betraying me, but I wasn't going to let him know he was already winning over me.

I bolted to my feet and pointed angrily at him. "No! Im not going to leave until I get to say everything I need you to hear!" His consuming anger was like fire that made me brave to retaliate further. "You're being a brat! You think you're this child who have all the right to trash his life just because his parents are divorcing! But don't you think that is too much Jongin? Don't you even think of your mother who has been bawling her eyes out day and night because she doesn't know where her precious son has gone off to because of her and your father?! You are so selfish Jongin! You don't even think about how others around you would feel! You just think about yourself! Just like when you judged me! Don't you think that was a low blow? That you hurt me too and I have all the right to get mad at you and yet I came here to say sorry?" I ran my fingers through my hair as I finished, not finding the air I needed after that so much heated outburst.

"You're too selfish Jongin." Tears fell down from my eyes but I couldn't find the strength to wipe them. Jongin, on the other hand, was staring at me, looking stunned and something else more. Was it regret? Anger? Sympathy? I would probably never know.

Standing up from the couch, he gripped on my arm and pushed me towards the front door, opening it and flinging me out. "Leave! I've had enough of you