Chapter 23

Waking up to the sight of a crisp white room almost sent me flying out of the door. The haunting tales of my dreams seemed to be the abrupt cause. And I would have jumped off the bed if Sunmi hadn't held me down to calm me.

"It's alright. It's alright." She coaxed while rubbing soothing circles on my back. I didn't understand why she said those words at first until it dawned on me what had happened. "You're fine. We're in the hospital right now." She whispered.

"I'm..." I trailed off, feeling my eyes water in relief as I took in the different colors around me, vividly painting the walls and everyone else. "I'm in the hospital." I echoed her.

"Yes. Yes." She cried, hugging me tighter. "You really scared us when you fainted, you know?" Pulling away, she wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand and sullenly smiled at me with quivering lips.

I let my own lips quirk up, albeit weakly, knowing that seeing a smile on me would at least relieve her. She visibly relaxed, seeing the tiny hint of a smile, as she caressed my hair sweetly in the silence. I knew I had been a headache in the family since being me; you know, the girl who fell asleep and woke up being the me who wasn’t really the me that they knew—the girl in the future, if that would finally make sense. I did change a lot, and I get it why sometimes they looked weirdly at me (but say nothing) now. Sometimes too, I noticed how they worried enough for me that I thought more carefully of my actions. But sometimes, I knew things happen and they weren’t things I could handle with my own hands. Inevitable things. Inexplicable things.

When she left the room, I let myself fall back on the mattress. It was so soft behind me that I still wondered whether I wasn't just floating in a dream—that this wasn’t any sort of deception my mind was playing—and found my hands squeezing on the sheets. Ah, they were as soft but solid in my hands. I smiled, relieved, knowing it wasn’t yet the time. Not yet.

There was just something truly terrifying about my dreams; they were too vivid. That if I believed it, I would think that I was being transported in another place while my body was left here. Like being in two places at a time. And if I just willed myself, or maybe if the Being above would just allow it, my ghost would permanently escape my body and I would probably find myself stuck in that end of my dream. And I feared it actually happening. Because it meant, though I have quite figured this out for some time and not that it hadn’t already happened to me, that I was going to lose everything. Again.

And what would I become then after going back to a hollow zero? None. Empty. Would I be able to keep up with life by then? Would I be able to pick myself up like the usual? Would I be able to move on? Or even pretend that nothing happened even if I knew to myself that there was this—this thing, this universe, this reality—that somehow existed at a time in my life?

Can I even find a single constant thing? Like happiness, for instance. Can't that thing just become constant and not just fleeting? How I wish. How I wish.

I closed my eyes, sighing, and thinking that maybe, though I wasn’t fully convinced, I should just be contented with what I had now. This. Whatever it was. Constant or not. Let me be damned for putting everything in the hands of the Being above that must be good enough to favor me every once in a while.

My mom and dad were obviously delighted to see me recovered after the fainting incident in the morning.

Mom had tears in her eyes while she meekly asked me if I needed anything. I politely assured her that she need not be bothered, but just as well as how much she listened all the time, she still overdid everything: fed me my meals, assisted me to the toilet (in case I suddenly fainted while peeing), accompanied me as well at the garden three floors down, and lulled me to sleep like I was some kind of infant that needed warm milk and humming in order to fall asleep.

Dad was silent in a corner all the time, but I could tell how worried he was just like everyone else with the tight set of his jaw. And well, he wouldn't touch me but the way he just kept on repeating the sign of the cross not-so-subtly, in silence, behind everyone else already moved me enough. He must be really scared, enough to turn him into an instant religious.

They couldn't have taken Jisoo with them to the hospital, so they knocked on Mrs. Im's door and desperately asked for her help to babysit him. The old lady more than willingly took my brother in and assured my parents that they would take good care of him while we were away.

It was quite some chaos I caused, but chaos be damned as well. Slowly, things were going back to normal, I knew. For now, it would.

There was worry in my mother's voice as she spoke to me in soft tones. It was noon then, and though she usually didn't look exhausted and restless in her kind of job, looking at her made me realize how much she'd aged in a day because of me. Pale skin. Tired eyes. Dark circles. Eyebags. Slumped shoulders. She might even have lost a few pounds. And I was really, really sorry in my mind.

She was talking to me about my condition: something about being fragile and needing to be more careful. I knew I should listen but I just pretended I was, because my mind couldn’t really be sure whether I was even that fragile like chalk dust, or if  I should really listen to her, or that science had something to do with my condition now.

The doctor had some speculations about me, but he was admittedly unsure of it since I had shown evident signs, but when they tested me, they said, my body seemed pretty normal and not sick at all. He said, this was the first time he had seen a case as complex like mine, and I could just only wonder how much my existence would ruin his mind. Because I knew, and I had a strong feeling about it, that my condition wasn’t that simple. It was far beyond any disorder.

Just thinking about it and connecting all the dots, I could say that I didn’t have to be a genius to somehow get the answer.

"Do you want anything more?" Mom asked as she straightened the blanket over my lap. I shook my head and smiled at her. The doctor just left, and she wouldn’t want to leave my side after what she heard.

I could tell she worried even more now after that doctor laid down his verdict, which was a far cry from clear. It didn’t help to calm her at all. And my reassurance that I was just fine couldn’t reach her. She was currently only listening to herself, and in her insistence to help me, I thought she would be more placated if she actually did something, something that would distract her.

So I said, "I would be pleased if you will call Jongin and will ask him to visit me."

She brightened, wide-eyed. She must have been really surprised I had finally spoken Jongin's name to her after some time since our old-tale misunderstanding. But I suppose after what happened to me, she would have already forgotten how I had broken her fantasies, and now we were back to normal. And seeing as to it, nothing would be wrong in making such a request with her. I knew she would be more than pleased to call him. And I guess, seeing her at ease was starting to be my priority—since I couldn’t feel at ease too, at all, when she was always up and about, prancing in the room even though she didn’t have anything to do.

"Okay," she said, grinning, "I'll call him for you."

Mom went off as quickly as she could. She couldn't have noticed the unusual skip in her steps when she ambled out of the room, because if she had, she would have brightened red with her odd manner. Having that in mind, I knew mom wasn't yet entirely giving up the idea about Jongin and I. But I could care less as long as she looked that happy.

It was only then that I realized I was beginning to learn how much I wanted to include her more in my life. To appreciate her. To also wonder about her. To feel happy when she was. Just like how I was trying to make it up to my friends. Perhaps I was finally grasping the real meaning to Baekhyun's words.

Loneliness would inevitably eat you whole if you would permit it in. And I had been too caught up with it that I wasn't able to realize I was already the cause to my own unhappiness. It was because I kept allowing the small, trivial things to worry me that I forgot how it felt to just let yourself go and create better days.

Only when it was in the afternoon that I finally had visitors. Of course, Hana, Minjee, Kyungsoo and Baekhyun went along with Jongin to the hospital when they found out why I wasn't at school today.

"I almost had a heart attack when Jongin told us what happened." Minjee cried as she pretended to wipe tears in her eyes.

I chuckled, trying to lift up the mood when I noticed all of them were looking worriedly at me. Jongin, especially, looked all too worked up, but I hardly turned his way. I was trying to avoid his gaze because I knew I wouldn't be able to look away. And his eyes—oh, those eyes—were bringing back feelings from last night that I wasn't ready for.

"Told you so," Hana uttered, flicking my forehead. I flinched and covered the spot, pouting at her, "you don't want to hear that right? But I'm telling you, so you would not forget we had reminded you and yet—"

Minjee cut her off, however, with a dismissive wave, "stop the nagging Hana. We were clearly advised not to stress her out."

"Oh." Hana's mouth was round in realization, "I forgot. Okay, I'm keeping quiet."

"Anyway," Kyungsoo mused, "Mr. Bang called for you this morning."

I automatically gasped. "Was he very angry?!" I was really fearful since I couldn't return the class record for two days straight.

He smiled though, so I somehow calmed, thinking that Mr. Bang didn't really get mad at me, but he said, "well, he did get mad." He pressed his lips together. "But Jongin told him what happened to you so he became sympathetic towards you after all."

Stunned, I finally gazed at Jongin and in time saw him giving me a warm smile that wasn't supposed to arouse butterflies in my stomach, but it did. I had lost control of my feelings when it came to him, I supposed. And I knew it was a bad thing. I had been more in control of my feelings before, but now I didn't know.

"Thank you." I told him meekly, trying hard not to blush. You saved me again, I thought—with some level of elation that was clearly doing wonders to me.

I knew he only had knowledge I was brought to the hospital this morning, but he couldn't have possibly known I fainted. But still, he helped me. It must have taken him a great deal to lie in my stead. And It was very touching I suddenly wanted to hug him then and there. But I felt like it was the least appropriate thing to do in front of everyone so I forced myself to keep control of my desire.

"Well, if you need to stay longer here, I can give the record to Mr. Bang for you." Jongin offered. I merely smiled as a response before deciding to talk to Baekhyun instead.

The room felt very alive the whole afternoon. Many times nurses even visited us and warned for us to keep quiet since we were really creating such a huge buzz in the corridors. We tried to comply many times, but Minjee's motor mouth and humor seemed very contagious that we didn’t manage to contain all our laughter and still continued to be loud even until they were about to leave.

"We'll visit you again, I promise." Minjee beamed at me as she gathered her things. I nodded and smiled in return.

Hana startled me by giving me a kiss on my forehead. It soon made a noticeable blush appear on my face that they laughed. "Aye, you are very embarrassed, but I'm happy." She grinned. "See you tomorrow."

"I'll compile for you the homework you will miss." Kyungsoo promised as he patted my head. I returned an enthusiastic nod and wrapped an arm around him when he leant forward to give me a hug.

Baekhyun was next; and he lifted his fist expecting to meet mine. I complied, grinning. That was our first friendship fist-bump, and I was really happy about it since he was learning more than to be curt, I could tell. "I'll bring lots of grandma's soup for you." He said.

"That's very thoughtful of you, Baek." He smiled at me, and moved to the door with everyone else to give way to Jongin.

It was his turn to say goodbye, and I knew I was beginning to feel my anxiety rise because he was also leaving and yet I had not talked to him properly at all during their visitation. In my mind, I was trying to come up with a way to make him stay without blatantly saying to him what I wanted, but then he was finally approaching me, and my mouth seemed rather strongly glued to each other.

He ambled towards me. I knew I wouldn't be able to look at him as he bid his final remark, so I looked down on my blanketed lap and occupied myself in wringing my hands together—tightly and tighter.

Say nothing. Say nothing. Don’t you dare say anything weird Kim Jongin!

"I—" He said and then took a pause; I could hear the hesitation in his voice when he actually did, that the butterflies in my stomach grew more restless. I prayed hard I would be able to endure the torture. "I think I will stay for a little longer."

I blinked at him, startled. Totally not getting his point even though I heard him clearly. "What did you say?" I stammered out.

The people behind him seemed to have found amusement in what was happening between us. But I decided to ignore them and focused on Jongin, waiting for his answer.

"Have you also gone daft after fainting?" The mockery was heard in his voice. I nudged his shoulder in retaliation, but he only laughed. "Now, that's more like you."

"You're not funny. I hate you." I muttered, looking away in irritation.

"But in truth, you're really happy I decided to stay, yeah?" I shook my head in disbelief at his gloating.

"How could you even tell?"

"I just know."

We were so caught up in our childish argument that it was already too late when I noticed the door to my room closing with a click. Jongin hardly noticed the sound because he just continued teasing me even when I was already not paying him any attention.

"They have already left." I announced, still looking at the door.

He looked back and forth, clueless as to what I was saying. "What do you—oh, they left without even telling us..." He snorted and shook his head. "Those guys are sometimes..."

He trailed off, sitting himself on the chair near my bed. I instinctively inched away, suddenly aware of the shrinking distance between us. It was so to say, awkward again for me with him and I didn't know why.

"I've noticed," I almost flinched when he suddenly spoke while I was struggling to calm down. I immediately masked my expression when I realized he was staring intently at me. It was hard not to wonder though whether he caught on, because I was afraid he'd ask me something I wasn't prepared to answer again. I prayed hard that he didn't. But then God wasn't really good at listening to me. He said, "Soo, why are you...I've noticed but I haven't just spoken a word before about it since—"

"I'm really glad you came, Jong." I cut h