Chapter 22

It wasn’t just oversleeping or running late for class or mom still not talking to me or the dizziness I was feeling right now that had been bothering me for the past few days. I still worried about the dreams I kept having. They were more lucid now than before, and I wasn’t just seeing empty faces anymore. I could see faces—of people that I love. And I could also feel everything. It was like I was there but also not there.

The dreams didn’t feel like they were just dreams anymore.

And I felt like I was getting wearier after each dream. It was as if they were off all the energy I had in my body. And I was blaming them for the times I couldn’t really sleep well at night or when I would wake up at dawn breaking in sweat or when I’d oversleep and would cause Jongin and I to be late to class in the morning or when I wouldn’t be able to realize how I had slept in the middle of class. Once or twice the teacher called my attention for drowsing in class, and that alone was already embarrassing.

I didn’t really want for mom to know what I had been doing in my classes that was why I had been rehearsing over and over in my head right now what I was going to say to Principal Jung as an excuse for my behavior in class.

“I really want to apologize for—wait, that sounds too pitiful. What if Principal Jung wouldn’t really bite it? Wait maybe I should just—“—“

I was revising my speech in my head when the door to the Principal’s office opened. I jumped in surprise and almost squealed in fright, but when I saw Sehun coming out of the room, I was more curious than not to know why he was there.

“You look beat up.” I commented, trying to sound nonchalant even though I was dying for him to just spill out what had occurred between him and Principal Jung.

He nodded at me and said, "are you coming in? You should make it quick since Principal Jung’s not really in a good mood.””

”Oh.” I said.  “Well then—“—“

I was about to make a grab for the knob because of his warning, but this very familiar voice resounded through the hallway and made me stop whatever I was planning to do.

“Sehun!””

I cocked my head at her direction, and I wasn’t surprised when I actually saw the person I haven’t seen for a while. Jinah. She was running towards Sehun with a worried expression on her face, and as she stopped in front of him, panting, I could tell that she came all the way here knowing that something ugly happened to Sehun in the Principal’s office.

“Jinah what are you doing here?” Sehun asked, turning his attention to her.

Jinah wiped the sweat on her chin and beamed at him. “I heard you got called to the Principal’s office so I came hurriedly after class.””

“Ah.” He said. “Well, it wasn’t that bad. The principal just told me to up my grades as warning.” Sehun had a sheepish look on his face as he smiled at her, and then turned at my direction. When he realized I was still standing behind him, surprise filled his face.

“Well, I’m going in.” I motioned for the door and forced a smile at him.

“Yeah. Good luck.” I heard him say behind me.

Looking back, I wasn’t surprised when I noticed Jinah glaring at my direction. It gave me an impression that she had been really like that all along; and actually made me wonder if she truly liked me as a friend while I was dating Sehun—the guy she liked. Or did she just stick with me because she wanted to be as close as she could to him?

I nodded at Sehun in acknowledgement even though it felt too friendly that we just had that sort of exchange.

I stepped inside Principal Jung’s office and closed the door behind me gingerly. The old man looked up and narrowed his eyes at me when he noticed me, and sighed when I grinned at him.

“Come and sit down Ms.?—“—“

“Han Soori.” I finished for him.

“Oh.””He said, then looked into the pile of folders stacked on the side of his desk. Pulling a file from among the many others, he opened it and eyed me as I sat on the chair he offered. “I heard some complaints from three of your teachers about you sleeping in class.””

I nodded, finding not a proper word to say.

“You admit to that offense?” I nodded again. “You know that it’s not a good thing to do that, right?””

I bobbed my head sheepishly and said, “I know.” And this is when the truth and the lies fuse together. “But sir, lately it has been happening so often to me. I couldn’t sleep at night at all and when I did, I’d wake up at dawn and I wouldn’t be able to sleep again. And when I get to class I feel so tired already even in the day. Even if I don’t want to sleep in my classes, I couldn’t really avoid it. I think I’m sick.” I jutted my bottom lip and bowed my head to add effect to my ‘pitiful act’.

“Ms. Han.””Hearing him call me by my family name, I slowly looked up with feigned anxiousness, “I didn’t think I’d hear you say this, but now that you did, I think you should consider going to the hospital if that’s the case.””

I nodded enthusiastically. “I think so too.””

“I’m not going to punish you, but this better be a warning.” I nodded and inwardly fist-pumped in victory.

“Yes sir.” I said, maintaining my distressed look.

“And please, if you have some health condition that we should know about, please tell us so we can probably help you.”

I nodded again and smiled at him, even though I was inwardly scrunching my nose at him for what he said. Who’s sick? You were just fooled by me! “Thank you sir. I really appreciate what you said.””

I was bailed out of the Principal’s office after fifteen minutes, and when I came back into the cafeteria, I felt refreshed; really happy because I got away without even sweating it. Minjee easily spotted me in the crowd as I approached, and smiled when she saw the light mood I was having.

”I’m assuming that it went well?” She asked.

I nodded and grinned. “Yes. I told him I was probably sick that was why I kept falling asleep in class. And he easily let me off. Just told me he was giving a warning and that I should go to the hospital for a checkup.” I told her as I was pulling out from my bag the lunch I made for myself.

“I’m eating.” I uttered to no one in particular and started digging into my lunch box.

The whole table was so quiet that I assumed that they were just busy eating, but then I looked up and noticed they were all staring at me with concerned looks on their faces.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” I said, my lips and patting on my face to check if there was rice that got stuck.

“Maybe you should really have an appointment with a doctor.”” I looked up when I heard Hana say that.

“Huh?” I was totally confused why she was suggesting this to me, but I still tried to laugh it off to ease the tension that was already in the air. “It was just a lie that I told him. Don’t be bothered by it.” I chimed.

But the buzz didn't stop there. “Hana’s right, Soo. Maybe you should see a doctor. Lately, we have noticed how weary you got. You're not just sleepy. Maybe you're really sick.””Kyungsoo supplied.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, wondering how he even noticed that from me. Was I that transparent? “I’m not sick.” I shook my head in denial and got back to eating.

They knew it was already the end of the discussion, because I decided that it was, and just silently went along with what I wanted to do. Lunch turned just as unnerving like when I first entered Principal Jung’s office a while ago. Everyone just focused on their own meal, and decided it was best to exclude me in all the conversations they had because they knew I wouldn’t really bother to answer them back.

When lunch finished, I was the first to get out of the cafeteria. Then Baekhyun followed after me. He caught up to my pace and displayed a smile that made me almost forget how sour my mood had turned.

“Sorry for what I acted in the cafeteria.”” I told him.

He shook his head and still smiled at me. “It happens. You’re just you. We can’t expect you to always agree with us.””

“Thanks for understanding.” I sighed in relief.

“It’s nothing.” He uttered, then turned his head at the direction of the windows.

The sun was high up in the sky but hardly seen behind the clouds covering it. It was such a fine day that I was wondering why I wasn’t feeling as pleasant.

“But they are right, Soori.””I heard him say again. “Maybe you should take their advice and see a doctor. You don’t really look good these days.””

“Really?” I questioned skeptically, finally wondering whether I looked that bad for them to suggest for me to see a doctor.

He nodded and pointed at me. “It may not be seen on your face, but we could feel how you’re struggling for the past few days.””

I was stunned. I never thought my friends were this perceptive towards me. Had they always been this way? Had they always noticed when I wasn’t really well? Did they recognize when I wasn’t really happy?

“Did the rest really…” I trailed off.

He flashed me a smile and mused, “you may not notice it but all your friends could always see through you. We know you just as well as you know us Soori.”

Hearing him say this, I felt my eyes collect tears. For quite a long time I didn’t understand why I always felt lonely even though I had my friends. I knew I was contented. But there were always those gaps when I thought I was alone. Then I remembered what Baekhyun told me before. The reason why I was like this was because I didn’t really try so hard to connect with people. I was contented with the fact that they were constantly there, and I was taking them for granted because of that. And I only picked the people who I thought deserved my company or my thoughts or my trust. What I forgot was that I should have also protected my relationship with the people who cared so much for me.

“I feel so lacking.” I said, wiping the tears that were threatening to escape from my eyes.

Baekhyun shook his head and reached for my hand. He squeezed it and smiled warmly at me, like telling me that it was just okay to be lacking. It was okay to be a flaw, or to have a flaw. “You’re not lacking anything. It just so happened that you just lately realized something. But now that you really know what it is, maybe you could do something to change things?”

I let out a smile, seeing the others from a distance and wondering whether I made them upset for acting like that again. I turned my attention back to Baekhyun and said, “you think it’s not that late for me to turn things around?”

He shook his head. “It will only be too late if you don’t do anything.””

He was right.

I felt like I had been always seeking for Baekhyun’s advices for the past few days. And there were a lot of times that all he said made me realize something even if he didn’t know what I was going through. That somehow I was amazed at how he managed to know what I just needed to hear. Was he a mind reader? I won’t be surprised if he had the extra ability.

The dismissal bell rang at around four in the afternoon. I was one of the daily monitors and stayed back with five of my other classmates to clean the classroom. It wasn’t an easy job considering that the three boys that stayed only played with the brooms while us, girls, did the hard stuff like sweeping the floor, wiping the whiteboard and windows squeaky clean, dusting the top of the cabinets, making sure the chairs were aligned in perfect rows and columns, and passing the daily record that our homeroom teacher needed. I did the recording, so I was the last left alone in the room.

Packing up my things, I headed for the door. I was just about to run for the stairs to make a quick trip to the faculty room when I almost bumped onto Sehun on the way.

“Gosh,” I clutched on my chest in surprise. “I almost collided with you. Why do you even appear out of nowhere nowadays?” I asked him thoughtlessly, bending down to grab the record that had fallen to the ground along with my other books.

I collected the record in my arm from the floor and was about to pick up my books when another hand appeared in front of me and touched the top of my hand. I had a startle at the feeling of Sehun’s hand on mine, and as an automatic reaction, I looked up at him with widened eyes. My cheeks colored upon having a close look at him. And he seemed to harbor the same reaction.

“I-I can do this.” I said, averting my eyes down to the floor and then pushing his hand away not so subtly.

I could see Sehun’s feet still glued in front of me. He wasn’t moving at all; did not even plan on leaving even though I straightened up and blatantly stared at him with disdain. His stoic face was carefully drawn on his face again as he stared back at me, and I wasn’t really sure what he felt at the moment until he spoke up.

“You’re really confusing me.” He said, furrowing his eyebrows. “One moment you’re offering me dinner and showing me a smile. But then, the next, you’re rejecting my help and almost scowling at me.””

I tried my best to put up a flat look and said, “Then is different to now.” I turned around to dismiss the conversation and started walking.

“How is it any different? Why can’t you just be civil enough?” I heard him call behind, but I didn’t stop.

But while I was walking away, I pondered over his question silently. How was today any different? We were given different circumstances when we happen to cross each other’s path, but it was all the same. We were unexpectedly meeting, that was the point. I was the only one trying so hard not to feel the change even though I knew something slightly shifted between us from then on.

I was starting to soften towards him.

And perhaps, because I was afraid at the shift that I was trying so hard to put a barrier between us. What if I let things happen and we became close again? What if I stopped hating him? What if I let him into my life again? What were the chances that things wouldn’t end up the way they did?

I wanted to continue hating him because that was what had been in my heart towards him for as long as I could remember. If I tried erasing that hate in my heart entirely, I was afraid I’d feel unbalanced. I was afraid I was going to feel those unnecessary feelings again. And I knew I wasn’t ready for them.

So what should I do now?

“You owe me, you know.” I stopped when I heard him shout those words. “The partner project in English was the last straw for me to make my grades look good. Principal Jung said, if I didn’t up my grades now, then I might not be able to graduate.””

I turned around a bit perplexed and irked. Why was he blaming me? It was just a project he missed. He was really doing badly in all his subjects on his own. It wasn’t even my entire fault why he was probably not going to pass.

“It’s not my fault you’re failing.” I said sternly.

At this, he let out a painful smile and said, “Yeah, I guess so. I just thought I could tell you.””

With wide eyes, I stared. It was then that it only occurred to me why he was telling me those things. It wasn’t because he wanted me to feel guilty. He was trying to confide with me. Could there be something more botherin