A/N: I LIVEE! Sorry for the lengthy time of absence :( I'm in my last neck of Graduate school (yes, I'm pretty old) so things have been crazy this past month and a half. I apologize! Now that summer's coming, I'll be updating more regularly. Thanks for subscribing and I hope you're enjoying ~ I truly appreciate you taking the time out to read this! Now onto how Neo fell in love ~ (Excuse my errors) 

Hakyeon's POV

            I guess you can say I was interested in Jung Taekwoon even before I met him. I had been a trainee for a few months before he entered Jellyfish. But the CEO and sunbaenims were so impressed with his voice and shocked at his talent that I knew he was something special. I always liked when someone broke everyone else's expectations. There's something empowering and inspiring about defying the norms that I knew I had to be friends with such an amazing person. But I had heard rumors about his scary demeanor and mysterious silence. I never bother getting swayed by those though. I wanted to judge him for myself.

            And boy...was he handsome. I wanted to hug him and take care of him when I first saw him enter the practice room. His face may have been expressionless, but I immediately saw his eyes were nervous and full of worry. When I approached him, he stepped back as if he was startled someone actually wasn't intimidated by him. That simply confirmed for me that he was someone who had been mistaken consistently throughout his life and had accepted that fact. I wasn't going to be one of those people and I was going to show him people could accept him for who he really was and not what they presumed him to be.

            As outgoing as I am, I can't say that I was the smoothest person when it came to someone I was attracted to. And I was extremely attracted to Jung Taekwoon. I was magnetized from our first meeting, and I knew that I wanted to be close friends with him. But of course, smooth Cha Hakyeon's first conversation starter with this new hott trainee was...

            "Wanna do splits?"

            I tried my best to smile warmly, cheeks burning up. I truly wanted to do a graceful leap out of the window. He blinked at me with a look of surprise, which I didn't blame him for. Way to go Cha Hakyeon. Way. To. Go. What kind of request was that? He's going to totally think you're some split obsessed freak and --

            "Now?" he asked softly.

            I held back a sigh of relief. Oh good, he didn't want to run away! I felt renewed vigor and changed the subject in hopes of being less awkward. But I asked about his birthday and it came out random all the same. Why was nothing going right? But luckily, Jung Taekwoon answered all of my questions straightforwardly and I was surprised to find that we were the same age! I immediately felt close to him. I had been nervous being the oldest trainee for months, but now that fear subsided. I took a good look at him happily; I wanted to memorize the face of my newfound friend. He averted his eyes shyly and it made me grin wider. He was adorable. So, throwing all my embarrassment aside, I made the first move of getting close to him. As corny as it may sound, when I grabbed his wrist to drag him to do splits with me, I felt electricity course through me. I let go quickly and sat down, trying to compose myself. When he hadn't joined me, I glanced at him firmly. I did not joke around about stretching before dancing. Shyly, he sat down and curiously, I reached out for his hands. Partially cause it was part of the stretch but also because I wanted to see if I would feel that spark when our hands touched again. He gently slipped his hands into mine and my heart thumped so hard against my chest at the contact that my body fell forward, flustered.  I hurriedly looked up to see if Taekwoon had noticed my reaction but was met with what seemed to be an incredulous expression. I chuckled, realizing I was already in a full split, slightly embarrassed that I didn't actually need his help in the first place. But then I caught a slight smile on his face at my comment and I grinned widely.

            That's when I decided.

            I needed to be close to Jung Taekwoon. I want to know everything about him.

~

            It was calming to be around Taekwoon. I didn't need to be an older brother, a mother, a dance instructor, or anyone. I could just be Cha Hakyeon. I had never met someone that I just fell into place with until I met Taekwoon. He was someone my heart knew I could lean on and be vulnerable with. And it wasn't wrong. He listened to all my mundane stories and complaints. Truly listened. And although, he never commented on things, I knew he was paying attention and catching all of the details. It was always later that he would ask about details or check up on me a few days after regarding the event, so I knew he had been listening intently. The others were too young to understand some of my worries and they weren't the most attentive bunch. Part of me also didn't want them to see my weak side. But with Taekwoon, I could be weak, small, and worried to death-- happy Hakyeon, sad Hakyeon, excited Hakyeon, angry Hakyeon, every emotion in between Hakyeon, and he would treat me all the same. I loved the feeling of security and the consistency his presence and friendship provided me in this ever changing career of ours.

            When I would obnoxious with the kids, his personality would bring me back down to earth. While I constantly worried about public image, he was honest and observant about people and his surroundings. He took care of me in little ways. He would make me tea in the morning, get me water bottles during dance practice, look out for me if I was too close to the edge of the sidewalk, make my favorite meal if we had a rough day at training. In return, I wanted to help him be as comfortable as he made me feel. I in front of the others purposely so they could see how harmless he really was and I clung onto him lovingly. He never shoved me away, although he acted like he disliked it. I was glad he didn't hate it, because I was addicted to those one-sided hugs, to the feeling of being close to him, being the only one who really understood him. I never wanted to miss a new facial expression so I found myself staring at him, studying his face often. When he would realize, I smiled at him knowing it made him shy when someone had been paying attention to him secretly. Soon, I figured out the little hints his body gave away when he truly was irritated with something versus when he was playing coy, and how he pretty much got embarrassed whenever the attention was on him.

            I loved his transparent honesty. He never did anything that he didn't want to do. He didn't feel the need to interact if he didn't want to. He was perfectly content being alone despite how people talked about him because of that. I truly admired his strength to be completely himself. It made me feel ashamed at how hard I always tried to be liked by everyone around me that sometimes, I wouldn't express how I truly felt to save face. That was the role of the leader after all. But knowing someone like him valued me and saw me as a close friend made it all worth it. The fact that he knew the real me and still trusted me was enough.

            Along with all those wonderful qualities he possessed as my best friend, Taekwoon was also multi-talented and humble. He had an angelic voice that I had only heard shocked the CEO and sunbaenims, but when I first heard it, the heavens opened up and I saw the light. How could a sweet, melancholic, and healing voice like his exist? More or less come from someone whose eyes peered into people's soul when he looked at them?  Not only that but he was a fantastic dancer. To be honest, I expected him to be awkward with his long limbs and naturally slouched posture, but as always he proved me wrong. The way he moved was precise and controlled yet relaxed. He had his own finesse and flair entwined with accuracy and talent. To top that off, the other trainees and I found out that he was extremely athletic, having competed in swimming and boxing competitions on top of being on the National Youth Soccer Team for 3 years.

            CAN HE BE ANY MORE PERFECT?

            Well I, Cha Hakyeon, was once again proven wrong cause he could also cook and kept the dorm pretty tidy too. 

            I knew I was attracted to him from the get-go, but every day after with Taekwoon only made me fall deeper for this grumpy, brooding, tsundere man. I looked forward to seeing him first thing in the morning and discovering something new about him. I was irreparably in love with him and I had no idea what to do...

            So I started calling him my "life-long" friend. More as a reminder for me that that was all we could ever be. As much as we conversed about deep topics, love was not something that ever came up in them. We talked about dreams, the future, our past, our present, but never the one emotion I was curious about. Would he like someone like me? Did he even like men in the first place?

            I had fallen for him fast and hard, and the usually composed and confident Cha Hakyeon had become a blubbery mush in front of Jung Taekwoon time and time again.

~

            When we were preparing to appear on a reality show as trainees, we had to start going to the gym. It wasn't like I never worked out or anything, but dance was such a huge part of my life that I got lean that way. I didn't need to "bulk up" so I never lifted. To say I was out of my element was an understatement. Luckily, most of the other trainees were just as awkward as I was. However, out came Taekwoon wearing a black tank top and my mind just blanked out. It was a CRIME. I mean, I shouldn't have been so surprised considering his tale of athleticism has been the talk of the town but I didn't expect him to come out looking like that. He was always meek, hunched over, and wearing baggy shirts and sweaters with "leave me alone" written on his forehead. Now, he had a fierce expression and a tight form fitting sleeveless top. It was so overwhelming that I didn't realize I was gaping at him until we locked eyes. I became extremely self aware of how tiny I was in body mass compared to him and Ravi.

            "Yeon-ah." he called out and my heart flipped at the shortened form of my name.

            I was stunned. This was too much.

            "Hakyeon?" he blinked at me, confused at my lack of response.

            "Hm?" I snapped out of it, flustered.

            "You want me to spot you?" he asked kindly.

            "I ...yeah...I just...I might need help...?" I stammered.

            He chuckled. "Well that's what a spotter does."

            I blushed but feeling proud that I had amused him. "What'd you call me before?"

            "Hakyeon?" he replied hurriedly, his expression not faltering.

            However, I knew his tone showed that he was embarrassed. I grinned. I wasn't letting him get away with this one.

            "Call me that again~" I rushed to him, trying to be cute.

            He averted his eyes and hurried to a machine. I pouted and followed suit.

            "Yeon-ah! You called me Yeon-ah!" I pestered. "You can also call me Yeon-ie too if you want, I'll respond."

            He blushed, flustered as usual about my directness.

            "Well come on then Yeon-ah." he patted the bench smugly.

            I glared at him, knowing he was subtly teasing me about my lack of arm strength.

            "Can you lift the bar?" he pressed on.

            I smacked him before laying down, but then shyly muttered, "Let me try just the bar first..."

            He smirked and positioned my hands properly on the bar.

            And I thought to myself that I could totally get used to gym day.

~

            When Taekwoon chuckled, it would still be restrained and with a hint of a scoff more than outright expression of something he found hysterical. It seemed as if he was afraid to laugh or smile, like he had to keep his face under control for some reason. Some days I really tried to get him to laugh out loud like the others did, but he would always hide his face or he just didn't find it funny. I was frustrated because I was convinced that his laughter was just a heart fluttering as his singing voice.

            And I wasn't wrong.

            It happened spontaneously one day. Jaehwan was fairly new as a trainee but he was overall a bubble of joy and randomness. We all sat around, taking a break from training, and Jaehwan said that he had new impressions he had been working on. All his previous ones were hysterical so we all waited in anticipation. Taekwoon as usual was in the corner, placing his earphones in to relax. Then we all jolted when Jaehwan screeched in the middle of the room repeatedly.

            "That was my pterodactyl." he grinned proudly.

            Everyone was too stunned, trying to figure out if it was funny or not. But then, we heard an unknown laughter from the corner of the room. Jaehwan grinned widely, excited that someone had appreciated his efforts. Taekwoon's laughter was music to my ears and I was blessed enough to have caught a glimpse of his genuinely laughing face before he hid it against the wall, still cracking up. I beamed at him; yes, I want to see more of this kind of Taekwoon. He was absolutely adorable. I may or may not have asked Jaehwan to do the pterodactyl scream once or twice to extend Taekwoon's laughing fit.

~

            As much as Taekwoon had an interesting sense of humor, he knew just how much teasing I could handle before breaking down. Unfortunately the younger trainees thoroughly enjoyed my reactions whenever I was terrified of something and did not know when enough was enough. This was especially obvious when the company suggested that the trainees bond before MyDol began at an amusement park or something. Everyone was overjoyed but I was horrified. Taekwoon noticed my unusually grim expression. I was always the first to cheer on an opportunity to be social and have fun.

            "It's around Halloween too, so the parks will be all spooky!" Jaehwan and the others cheered.

            I shivered.

            "G-guys - why don't we just go somewhere else, huh? That must be so expensive." I tried to talk my way out of this. "Or we can split up into groups?"

            "No hyung, we have to do it all together. We're supposed to be bonding." Hongbin pointed out.

            I fought the urge to glare at him.

            "I don't really feel like going either." Taekwoon mumbled.

            That made everyone hesitate except for fearless Jaehwan.  

            "Let's take a vote!" he suggested and everyone immediately agreed.

            "All those for the scary amusement park!" he cheered.

            And other than Ravi, Taekwoon, and me, everyone raised their arms excitedly.

            "Majority wins!"

            I closed my eyes, dreading this social event. Maybe this is a good time to pretend that I was sick? Suddenly, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I looked up to find Taekwoon staring at me with a worried expression. I knew I had to do this. If I was going to prove to Jellyfish I was leader material, I had to survive this. I smiled at him reassuringly. I'd be fine as long as he was by my side after all. That's how he always made me feel.

            I wasn't sure if I should look back at this memory and cry or be ecstatic, but at the end of the day, I was more in love with Jung Taekwoon, which I didn't think was possible. During the haunted house, he stayed by me and placed me in the middle of the group purposely so I could just close my eyes when everyone screamed. When everyone ran off from whatever had jumped in front of us, he would grab my wrist and lead the way as I fought back tears and mumbled nonsense under my breath. It was just us two in the end because everyone had ran so far ahead of us while my footsteps kept getting heavier and heavier. Everyone knew the biggest scare was at the end. I didn't want to find out what it was.

            "Taekwoonie. I can't. I really can't." I whined, my legs giving way to my fear. "I'm not good with these things."

            "You think?" he smirked.

            "I really can't move. Something's going to chase us and I'm going to be left behind and I'm going to cry and not be able to sleep at night and--"

            "We'll get through it." he simply stated.

            And that was enough to shut me up. He said "we" and the thought of being a collective item with him filled me with butterflies.

            "I won't leave you behind." he reported nonchalantly and I melted. "Just hold on to me, you can close your eyes if you want."

            I clutched onto his arm tightly, trying to pay attention to how he smelled, how his eyes scanned the surroundings carefully, how broad his shoulders were, to get my mind away from the reality of being in a haunted house. It was working to the point where I imagined where I would take him on our first date and what our life would be like with talented children but I was pulled back to reality when I heard him gasp a bit.

            "Don't open your eyes." he demanded.

            "But they're open." I talked into his arm, having hid my face there for protection.

            "Close them."

            I obeyed, trusting him completely. My heart thumped against my chest when he slipped his hand into mine, but the moment was gone when he whispered.

            "Run."

            And we ran for it. Later on after we made it in one piece, Taekwoon had said I screamed so loud I ended up scaring all of the haunted house actors instead. He got us ice cream as we sat and watched the others' stuff while they went on a rollercoaster.

            "Heights and horror aren't my thing." I chuckled as I stared at my ice cream.

            "I noticed."

            "Thanks for not leaving me." I glanced at him.

            Taekwoon nodded and became preoccupied with eating. I smiled and finally took the time to admire how beautiful the amusement park was at night, donned with festive dim lights and bright faces. I swung my feet and blushed. It felt like we were on a date, eating ice cream on a bench together amidst a sea of couples after being physically close in the haunted house. I smile to myself, enjoying my little fantasy.

            "Churros."

            I glance over and laughed at Taekwoon's intense stare at the churros stand in front of us.

            "I'll have some if you get it."

            A look of pure joy spread across his face at my statement and I had to grit my teeth together to stop myself from kissing him right then and there. He was so darn adorable and he didn't even know it.

            "I'll be back." he muttered and lightly walked to the stand as I watched him.

            A little kid bumped into his leg and glanced up at him in awe. Taekwoon grinned and knelt down to pat her head warmly. He pinched her cheeks lovingly and she giggled before running to her parents. She turned and waved goodbye to him. Taekwoon cutely waved in return before turning to buy the churros. He was perfect.

            "Here." he grinned excitedly as he returned.

            Suddenly, fireworks flared up the sky. Taekwoon jumped and snuggled up right next to me, terrified. I laughed out loud, all the anxiety from being surrounded by walking monsters and zombies disappeared as a shocked Taekwoon clutched my arm.

            After the initial shock, we both stood up on the bench, eating our churros and watching the fireworks display in awe. It was like we were kids again, and I loved it. It felt like the rush of young love with a comfort of a seasoned one. My smile slightly faded once the fireworks ended. No matter how wonderful this feeling felt, it was all one-sided wasn't it?

~

            With the start of MyDol and the light of debut within our reach, we hardly had time to relax. Everyone was on edge and miserable. Two new trainees were added on as potentials, which left everyone bitter after working for months to get to this point. But I found them adorable and hard working so I didn't mind. What I did dislike was being pinned against Taekwoon. Every time we were on opposing teams, I was torn between wanting to win and being devastated that that could eliminate him. However, at the end of filming, we would return to the dorm and it would be the same old routine. Taekwoon sat on the couch scrolling through his iPod, waiting for everyone to fall asleep so he didn't have to deal with their obnoxious noise. I would sneak out because it didn't feel right if he wasn't there and we'd sit in silence until I began babbling.

            "Taekwoonie, if we don't make it, will you run away with me?" I blurted out.

            He stared at me blankly and it made me nervous he was going to say no.

            "Well, if we don't make it, we definitely can't stay here." he sassed.

            "You know what I mean." I nudged him. "If one of us makes it, let's both run to a different company until they let us debut together!"

            Taekwoon scoffed but didn't reject my idea, so he wasn't completely opposed to it. I smiled and leaned my head on his shoulder warmly. He was the best pillow after all.

~

            In all our months as a trainee and as VIXX members, I have only seen Taekwoon devastated once. Anyone could see that his most prized possession was his iPod and by association, his ear phones. One day while Hongbin was on one of his cleaning sprees, Ken and Hyuk were rough housing on the couches, knocking his ear phones down to the ground. Well, Hongbin not noticing the new fallen object, vacuumed right through it. We heard a spoon dramatically clank onto the ground amidst the chaos. Everyone froze and glanced over at a horrified Taekwoon standing in his apron. The vacuum made rustling noises and everyone turned their attention to the object that was stuck in it. Hongbin gulped and immediately turned off the cleaner.

            "Taekwoonie..." I started.

            "H-hyung...it might still be okay!" Ever positive Jaehwan chimed.

            "I...don't think it's okay..." Hongbin pulled out the frayed wires guiltily.

            Well let's just say we had to order pizza for dinner that night... and the following night and the next. Taekwoon didn't talk to anyone for days afterwards. So four days later, when Taekwoon was showering, I crawled under my bed and pulled out my savings jar and counted how much I had. It was his birthday soon anyways. I hurriedly covered myself and went to the electronics store. Using a good portion of my savings, I bought him two new pairs of earphones. As I walked back into the dorm, he was waiting for me on the couch.

            "Where'd you go?" he asked worriedly, the first words I had heard him speak the past few days.

            "I took a walk." I smiled.

            He stared at me then nodded, going back to flipping through his phone.

            "Here." I handed him the plastic bag. "Happy early birthday!"

            He looked at me puzzled.

            "Well...open it! It's not going to just waltz out of the bag." I chuckled.

            He bowed shyly and grabbed the bag. I smiled and sat beside him, watching his expression. His mouth hung open as he realized what they were. He looked at me with a look of immense enthusiasm and pure happiness that I felt like I should've bought him a third pair.

            "How? Why?" he laughed, incredibly happy and in awe at the same time. Then it seemed to dawn on him that we had no real income yet and that I had used what I saved to pay for it. He glanced at me worriedly.

            "Hey, it's your birthday present! I'm expecting a good one in return." I grinned, trying to ease his guilt. "Just take it. I miss you brooding to music in the corner."

            Suddenly, I was roughly pulled into a tight embrace. My face turned red at the contact.

            "Thank you Hakyeon-ah." he muttered gratefully and I felt it emanating from his hug.

            I grinned widely and returned the gesture, with my heart thumping against my chest. Oh, how I wished I would be able to do this with him every day, every hour.

~

            Even after debut, there were still a lot of challenges that awaited us. I had messed up singing live during one of our comeback stages and I was terribly upset with myself. I brushed the members off when they tried to praise me and even the manager was trying to make me feel better. But when you're upset, pretty words only aggravate it, feeling like they were said out of pity. The only person I could trust not to say anything that wasn't true was Taekwoon, so I sat with him in silence, brooding alongside him comfortably but much to everyone else's fear. I was normally bright and outgoing to them, so this flip in personality was surprising. Once we got back to the dorm, Taekwoon was packing up to leave to head to the studio.

            "Where are you going?" I asked, scared that my pillar of comfort was abandoning me in my time of need.

            "Studio." he stated.

            I stood in the middle of our room, debating whether or not to ask him if I could come. I didn't want to bother him. I knew how he got when he was producing.

            "Come if you want." he stated as if he had read my mind.

            I smiled thankfully and packed up my own stuff, knowing we would end up staying the night. When we arrived at the studio, he went straight to the piano while I plopped down on his couch to wallow in my embarrassment and shame. He began playing a beautiful melody as a warm up and I felt my body relaxing and my eyes drooping.

            When I woke up, the room was dark and there was a blanket over me. I sat up worried that he had left without me. I was feeling around for my phone when Taekwoon returned.

            "Oh you're up." he greeted.

            "Where'd you go?" I frowned, heart still anxious from that scary awakening.

            "Food." he lifted a bag full of take-out food.

            "But we're on a diet." I whispered as if someone was around to hear us.

            "I think you need it." he chuckled as he sat on the ground and began opening everything.

            I grinned and joined him on the floor. "Well, if you insist then."

            We ate in silence until I finally got the courage to ask him.

            "Did I mess up badly on stage today?"

            "Yes." he bluntly answered without hesitation.

            Nevermind. I wanted the pretty words. I like those better.

            I huffed as he looked amused.

            "But you have the next stage to prove you've improved." he continued. I glanced up at him.

            "What?"

            "Well, if you take two steps back, it just gives you room to leap forward right?" he stated as he stuffed food into his mouth.   

            I stared at him, the meaning of his words resonating with me.

            "We're here to improve ourselves, not to be the best right away." Leo shrugged. "I mess up dancing all the time. And have you seen Jaehwan?"

            I chuckled.

            "But he's not a dancer."

            "You're not a singer."

            "Hey!" I protested.

            "I just meant you perfected your dance more than your singing, while it was the other way around for me and Jaehwan. You're bound to make mistakes. I'm sure you weren't a good dancer right away."

            "For your information," I scoffed. "I danced out of my mom's womb."

            I was met with an incredulous look, and my ridiculous claim reached my ears. I laughed, shyly. Taekwoon smiled slightly and continued eating.

            "Thanks." I stated sincerely.

            "Mhm." he hummed.

            The next day, there was a surprise weigh-in before practice that we shockingly passed after our heavy meal the night before. Ironically, Jaehwan was the one that did not pass, so his bags were cleaned of snacks and chocolate, much to his dismay. Taekwoon and I shared a look and snickered at our luck.

              Things were always so easy with him.

~

            I had many dreams, and one of them was being a radio DJ. I was at home, lounging about while the kids and Taekwoon were out. I was annoyed because I wanted to go drinking with Taekwoon and Eunkwang too, but I had a schedule the next day so I couldn't risk it. Suddenly, I received a call. Thinking it was Taekwoon, I immediately picked it up. I nearly dropped my phone when I heard the news. The first person I had to tell was Taekwoon. After I hung up, I bounced and squealed around the dorm a few times then sent him a message that I had urgent news. I paced around the bedroom, waiting for him to call or text back. However, a few minutes later, the front door opened and I recognized his footsteps immediately. I rushed out to meet him in the kitchen. His cheeks were pink and flushed, and he was clumsily pouring himself water. Fleetingly, I commented silently on how cute he looked then jumped into my story.

            "So you'll never guess who called! SBS! I HAVE MY OWN RADIO SHOW! And I wasn't going to answer but I thought it was you needing me to pick you up but then it wasn't then --" I gushed excitedly.

            "Hakyeon-ah." he exhaled and reached out for me. "Slow. Down."

            But I was far too hyper and elated that I couldn't control the rate of my speech. I just wanted to share my happiness with him. I wanted him to be excited with me. I wanted to tell him he was proud of me, that I had achieved one of my dreams.

            "And oh my goodness Taekwoon, my heart can't take it! It's still beating so quickly. Is this real? Is this --"

            Suddenly, I was cut off by a pair of lips on top of my own. It took me a few seconds to register what was happening. My head was spinning. Did Jung Taekwoon just-- are we kiss-kissing??!

            He hurriedly stepped back with a worried and alarmed look on his face.

            "I-I'm sorry!" he muttered and before I could speak, he disappeared at the speed of light back to our room.

            My hands shaking, I reached up to touch my lips recollecting the feeling of Taekwoon's lips on top of them. Then I slapped my cheeks a couple of times and pinched myself to make sure it wasn't one of the dreams I consistently had about my life with Taekwoon.

            Once I confirmed that it was indeed, reality. I turned red and my heartbeat quickened even more. JUNG TAEKWOON KISSED ME.

            Then I curled up in a ball on the ground. I DIDN'T KISS HIM BACK! OH MY GOODNESS! NOOOO! OUR FIRST KISS WAS RUINED BY MY STUPIDITY!!

            I internally battled myself in the middle of the kitchen.

            "Alright Hakyeon." I slapped my cheeks determinedly. "You're going to march over there and have him do a do over!"

            I crept to the room, wondering if Taekwoon had jumped out the window yet. I chuckled as I found him hiding under his covers, as if it was some sort of Invisibility Cloak.

            Cute.

            I sat down beside his covered figure.

            "Do it again." I stated.

            I felt his body tense up.

            "What?" I heard his soft voice.

            "I want you to kiss me again. I wasn't ready."

            "What?" He sat up, revealing a completely red face.

            "I've wanted to kiss you for so long and I wasn't ready! I want a do-over!" I complained, wondering where I got this courage from.

            "What in the wor--" he started but I had enough of waiting so I returned the favor and cut off his sentence by placing my lips against his.

            It felt as amazing as my dream sequences - no, ten times better-because now I was able to truly feel how soft they were, and it didn't have to end. I deepened the kiss by sliding a hand onto the side of his face, which was as smooth as I had imagined too. I felt his body relax and soon he returned the pressure. When we parted, I was out of breath and I could feel the happiness bubbling in my stomach. This was real. I had just kissed my crush of almost three years and he had kissed me back. He got shy and hid his face cutely. I grinned and pulled the covers over me, sliding beside him.

            "Now you can't get rid of me easily ~" I hummed as I nuzzled under his arm and embraced his waist, resting my head on his chest. Nothing was going to stop me now.  

            He smiled contently and mumbled, "Chukahe."

            I closed my eyes and slowly was teetering between staying conscious to enjoy the moment and falling asleep. However, Taekwoon was very much still awake as he traced my arm up and down, sending giddy chills throughout my body.  

            "Sleep Taekwoonie~" I murmured as I tightened my hug around him.

            "Hm." Was the last thing I heard before I fully fell asleep in his arms for the first time.

~

            But neither of us ever confessed our feelings. I told myself I didn't need it, that I knew his feelings from his actions and he knew mine. However, somewhere along the line, not having that verbal reassurance made me doubt whether Taekwoon just...needed something physical. The thought of losing what we had was enough to keep me silent. If this was all I could have with him, I was going to keep going until he didn't want me anymore.

            I became busier with my schedule and I missed him so much. I texted him often and we would converse that way. And I loved coming home to him sitting on the couch lazily reading or scrolling through his phone. Although I wanted to jump on him and kiss him, we had to hide whatever sort of relationship this was from the members and the company. Dating alone was prohibited but dating your own members was unheard of. So we acted the same, just a little bit more bold and comfortable. Our room was our safe haven. I loved going to sleep in his arms and waking up to his light kisses; the fresh smell of breakfast in bed and his soft humming as he waited for his coffee to cool down beside me.

           But the seed of doubt was gnawing at me little by little. I wanted to claim him as mine and mine alone. I wanted to be his alone. I wanted everyone to know. 

            When my schedule lightened up, I was excited to have more time to spend with him. However, to my surprise, he had agreed to debut as a subunit with Ravi. At first, I wasn't worried. It was part of our job anyway and I'm sure he hated sitting idly at home doing nothing. But as promotions began and I watched their music video and adorable interactions, I couldn't help being jealous. Our "Neo" ship was being overthrown by "Wontaek"; I had to stop scrolling through SNS because it was feeding my pain. But I wanted to be supportive of my boyfriend and fellow team member so despite my still busy schedule, I made an effort show him I still cared very much about him and that I was still around. I stayed up making banners and goodies for the Starlights that were supporting them. Taekwoon was happy seeing me and he appreciated my support, but there was still a distance between us now.
            Something about the hug in that music video irked me. Did Ravi really have to be shirtless? Did they have to really be that close?  Why couldn't I look like Ravi? Why couldn't I have his body build? Did Taekwoon have feelings for Ravi now? Did Ravi have feelings for Taekwoon? None of the members know about them, so Taekwoon was still single in their eyes. What did Taekwoon feel like he was? Single or taken? Was "Beautiful Liar" about our relationship?

            I became frustrated and miserable. More and more, I felt that Taekwoon didn't need me anymore. He talked more during interviews and interacted with the kids easier too. So what am I now? What did I have to offer him?
            I didn't want to be left behind dwelling on the worst case scenario, so I immediately accepted the offer to be dance instructor to the new female trainees. It was something to get my mind off of my untitled relationship, and it brought me back to my dancing roots so I was more than happy to do it. 

           Not to mention, I welcomed the attention it brought. The trainees had a crush on VIXX's N, since they knew little of Cha Hakyeon behind the name. I figured a little ego-boost wouldn't hurt, especially since I wasn't in to girls like that. It was a safe way to cradle my hurt pride and low self esteem recently. Then, one day, a brilliant plan struck me. I had always been good at reading others, other than Taekwoon recently, and spotted that the best dancer in the group was not at all mesmerized or infatuated with me. So I got the idea that if Leo and Ravi could get close and bother me with their friendship, then why couldn't I also have someone I could get close? This girl was 100% not in love or in like with me, and judging from her lack of nervousness, she probably would never be. I could get Taekwoon jealous and not have to worry about hurting her. It was wonderful. If Taekwoon didn't react then I had my answer; if he did then I'd welcome the feelings with open arms.
            However, I didn't calculate that _________would end up getting close to Taekwoon while I was away. Taekwoon hadn't texted me at all while I was away either so to spite him, I decided to be extra flirty with the trainees when I arrived. Two could play at this game, Taekwoon. Whatever game this was. But of course, as much as I wanted to get even, I also wanted us back. I wanted to be how we used to be. So I gave in. When I came to give him presents as a peace offering, I was crestfallen to find Taekwoon and ________ being awfully friendly in his studio.

            Was it her? Was it Ravi? Was it someone else? Was it even me at all?

            Was I really the only one that had been in love this whole time?