Chapter 14
Inseparablewarning: self harm, cursing, death
--
Thoughts raced through his head, what if Jungkook thought nothing of their friendship drifting apart? What if he tell him that's what he wanted?
Taehyung was unable to find any other form of comfort other then cutting that night. The cuts distracted him, the pain giving him something else to think of rather than what was happening now. Maybe that's why he cut. He needed a diversion from life's problems.
He laid in bed and looked blankly at the ceiling. He felt so alone. He was scared to be alone, but he was also too afraid to voice what he felt. He'd rather bury all his vile thoughts than burden someone else with it. He thought he would be okay with being alone, but he knew he wasn't. It was selfish of him to think that, Jimin and Hoseok had been with him every step of the way, they refused to give up on him even when he himself wanted to.
Why couldn't Jungkook do the same? Jungkook, in all honesty, was not a bad person. He's just been blinded, the need to fit in was of higher importance than his lifelong friendship. It's a sad notion. High school is a place where friends turn their back on you, leaving for no reason but to be friends with people they think understand them better. They are too impaired to see that the person who actually understands them and loves them the most is right in front of them. Always making sure they're okay and if they're broken, they'd rather put them back together first even if they themselves were broken.
This situation was just so complicated. Taehyung couldn't understand why he had to leave him. He was tired of being left behind. Tired of being second best. Tired of needing to loosen his skin in order to feel something. Tired of never being good enough for anyone.
The pain in his chest just wouldn't go away. It wasn't fair that in order to make it through the day he would have to give in to his demons, crave into his skin in order for them to go away. The razor was the one thing that listened, the one thing that would help him through anything.
Needless to say, everything would come to a head tomorrow, whether it be good or bad.
--
Jimin had come alone to pick up Taehyung the next day, Hoseok had fallen ill and his over protective parents, as usual, refused his plea to go to school.
Worried, Taehyung asked if they could visit him before school but was refused when Jimin had told him, as per Hoseok's instruction, not to come over so he would get the duo sick.
Unable to visit the elder, the two make their way to school and once arriving in their seats begin to converse a bit. The seat beside Jimin empty.
Taehyung grew a bit worried for the younger as well, he something happened? But his worries were pushed aside as Jungkook strolls through the room and take a seat next to Jimin, not sparing Taehyung a single glance.
Taehyung's chest hurt a bit after that. Did Jungkook forget about today? No, Taehyung wouldn't let him. They had to talk today. For his sake.
Class began and everyone took their seats, the lesson droning on and on. Until the middle of the day came around and Jimin received a text.
It was his mother telling him that she was coming to pull him out of school early, a family emergency it stated. Jimin refused at first, worried about what was going to occur after school with Taehyung and Jungkook but his mother was not having it. A bit later, Jimin was called to the front office for check out and with hesitation left. He had grabbed Taehyung's hand and whispered, "If you need me, text me okay Taehyungie? Anything you need, call or text me and I'll be there in a flash." and was ushered from the classroom.
Jimin did not have a good feeling about this at all. In the pit of his stomach he had a bad feeling, he was scared but he didn't know about what.
--
Now left alone with Jungkook, Taehyung couldn't help but take glances over at the other. He looked so anxious and stressed. The younger would twiddle his fingers and play with his pencil throughout the lesson, as if something was going to occur.
Taehyung was a bit worried for his friend, but couldn't talk to him then so he waited until the final bell rang before he grabbed Jungkook and pulled him to the school garden outside.
"Hey Jungkookie! Are you okay?" Taehyung asked, looking at the troubled face of the other.
Jungkook hesitate before stating words that made Taehyung absolutely furious.
"I can't hang out today Taehyung..." Jungkook whispers, before turning his gaze towards the ground.
"No."
Jungkook's head snaps up and he looks Taehyung very distraught eyes. "W-What?"
"No Jungkook. We have to hang out today. You... You promised. " Taehyung says, voice as strong as he could keep it.
"Taehyung I can't today, I promise I'll make it up to you another da-"
"No Jungkook!" Taehyung yells this time. "That's bull and you know it." He says angrily, Jungkook's eyes widening as he hears his best friend curse.
"Taehyu-" Jungkook starts, before getting cut off once again.
"Jungkook why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?" Jungkook asks.
"You're leaving me!" He yells back, shaking now.
A pregnant silence follows afterwards.
"And it's all because of those stupid 'friends' you made." Taehyung whispers.
Jungkook just stares in silence.
"Those stupid s are taking you away from me. And you're letting them! Why Jungkook? Why are you tired of me? You don't ever talk to me anymore, you act like I'm nobody, like I'm an embarrassment to you! You treat me like , you pretend like I don't exist. I know you're avoiding me on purpose Jungkook. I don't know why I still need you. I don't know why I can't get over you, when you obviously don't care about me. I've given you everything I can, and it's not enough for you. Why did you change?" Taehyung asks, small tears forming in his eyes.
"Tae.. don't call my friends that.." Jungkook says lowly, avoiding Taehyung's piercing gaze.
"What?"
"I said don't talk about my friends like that! God you're so ing annoying sometimes! I don't understand why I'm even friends with you. Oh, I know why. Because I was forced to. Not out of my own free will, I pitied you and with my mother's persistence, I had to be with you. You're so clingy Taehyung, I can't be with you for every second of the day. You're such burden. It's such a bother being friends with you. Have you ever thought of me? I just want other friends. I've been stuck with you all my life, I need a break. This guys understand me. They are right. You are just dragging me down. They know what they're talking about. I didn't change. I just realized what I really want in life and that's not you."
After the long speech, both just stood there. There was a long pause that just couldn't be filled.
"I gotta go." Jungkook finally says, "Not everything is about you Taehyung" and with that, Jungkook walks past Taehyung in the other direction, not even turning to look back once.
--
'I can't lose you. because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.'
Taehyung wasn't sure if his heart could break anymore; but with his worst fears confirmed by the person he loved the most, his heart completely shattered. It was as if Jungkook had torn apart the fragile remnants of his heart with his bare hands.
He stood and let the words sink into his mind. He knew it. It was all his fault that Jungkook left, he had nothing but himself to blame for pushing him away.
As to prevent making even more of a fool of himself, he began to walk home. He wasn't aware when he rain had begun cascading around him. It's almost as if the sky was crying with him, shading his tears. It was enveloping him, giving him a tiny resemblance of comfort.
It didn't help at all though. Those pulsing words wrapped Taehyung's mind with all sorts of bad thoughts. 'This could've been avoided' he thought, 'if only I was such a waste, such a burden.'
He limped through the rain, shoulders hunched, eyes soulless. Taehyung had lost the light in his eyes, the hope in his soul. He had hoped that this pain would just stop. It was overbearing, it was too much and he wasn't sure if he could take much more.
Unfortunately, when he finally got home and trudged inside, he heard the house phone ringing. He checked his phone that was in his pocket to see that it was dead and rushed to grab the phone.
"Hello?" Taehyung answered wearily, shivering from the freezing rain he hadn't noticed soaked through his clothes.
"Tae-Taehyung.." the voice called shaking.
"Grandma? Is that you? What's wrong?" Taehyung questioned, fearing the distress in her tone.
"Taehyung... I'm so sorry..."
"W-What? Please tell me what happened Grandma I'm scared..."
"Oh honey, yo-you're parents.. They were coming with you're grandfather to surprise you but.. Oh god Taehyung." she says with a sob interrupting her sentence.
Taehyung just stayed quiet, praying to whatever God, entity or higher being that nothing had happened, too bad it was all in vain.
"They were in a car accident Taehyung. It's not looking good. You-Your mother she.. she didn't make it. Your dad and grandpa are still fighting but we don't know Tae. It doesn't look good..." she says, voice fading in the end.
The phone quickly met with the floor as Taehyung dropped to the floor, uncontrollable sobs radiating through his whole body.
--
After meaningless instructions that another family member would pick him up later in the day tomorrow, his grandmother hung up, sorrow consuming her as well.
Taehyung let out heart wrenching sobs. First Jungkook, now his mom and possibly his father and grandfather? Why was the world so cruel? All he wanted was happiness, so why could he never get it? What has he done to deserve this gutless pain in his soul. It was too much, he was sinking deeper and deep into the vortex called depression. He had no comfort. No one to call, no one to lean on.
He had been desperate to feel something, anything. He needed a window, because he had broken his heart throwing it at locked doors.
He couldn't take it. So he did the only thing he could do at times like this. He ripped off the binds concealing healing wounds and he grabbed his paintbrush and began drawing. Line after line graced his once healing arm. Red blood seeping from every wound his body received but it still wasn't enough.
There was something missing and it frustrated Taehyung. He screamed in anger as the cuts multiplied, scarlet blood gracing the carpet as he tried to desperately find his broken soul. He believed that if he searched deep enough the pain would end and he would finally be happy.
It's sad that his only release is what it killing him. His carpet looks like a battlefield, his arms the casualties of war. He had lost the war. He had finally had enough. He needed the pain to stop, he needed that empty hole in his chest to be filled. He needed to leave. He needed release.
Monsters dancing around his mind, Taehyung, believing that he was finally being strong, walks into his bathroom and opens the medicine cabinet. There he finds the liberation he was looking for. Sleeping pills.
Taehyung believed sleep would ease him, it would take his mind off of the pain, the suffering, the lose. He prayed that his mother and father wouldn't be angry. He just wanted happiness. So as the once half full pill bottle dropped to the ground empty, Taehyung saw his vision blur. He just wants happiness.
His limbs finally gave out from underneath him. As he tumbled to the ground, he thought he heard a faint voice calling his name frantically. He thought that beautiful voice was the savior from all his pain so Taehyung let go.
He closed his eyes and flew into the night sky, chasing after his happiness.
We wonder what lies beyond.One day, he will grow up and imagine death as an angel that will lend him wings, so he can find out.Death, unfortunately, is not in the business of lending wings.
ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ
"It's okay not to be okay"
But it's not okay waking up everyday and wanting to end your own life and hate yourself for being yourself.
I sincerely apologize for the super long wait. I know you would all want me to update that I'm doing better now but I'm not going to lie to you. It's gotten worse. I'm scared that I've fallen back into this dangerous habit. I think that this depression will end up consuming me to the point where I will end up in a hospital. My thigh looks like a battlefield. Cuts litter every open space. But you are all right. I want someone to find out. I want someone to notice. I have tennis and I change in there every single goddamn day and nobody noticed the lines. Nobody cares. I wear shorts to school and hope they ride up enough to where someone can report me to the counselor. I'm dying. I'm slowly killing myself. I've cut everyday for the past week. I've cried my eyes out. I'm spiraling out of control.
I wish I could tell my friends but I'm not sure if they'll believe me. Last year, I asked them a simple question, "what would you do if I died?" and everything got out of control. Sure, my responses were grim and dark, but it was just my true personality coming to light. But they decided to call the police. The police got my mother's number and called her as I was in the car. The one thing I remember her say is, "Well, my daughter is a good liar." and I basically got slapped once we got home and the police left. My mother said I'm an "attention " so I'll just hide it on the inside now. I'm okay with slowly breaking and trying to build myself back up.
Anyway, after that incident, I just don't want to trust or talk to my friends. I know I'm ungrateful. they only wanted to help me but I just want someone to listen. I want them to listen and just be there; not think the automatic response should be forcing pills down my throat. The second I don't want to be happy or say something that isn't cheerful, they automatically believe I'm going to hang myself and slit my wrists. I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide, trust me, I've tried.
Also just lost one of my best friends, well, I think so anyway. To cut it short, my best friend's ex texted me about a week ago, asking me for my help to get over her. She broke his heart with no explanation or reason. She refuses to talk to him and just gave nothing as to why she broke up with him. After much talking, he decided to write her a letter and asked me to give it to her. I said of course and I asked her for a ride home so I could give it to her privately. I gave it to her as planned and she read it. I didn't tell her that we had been talking for the past two days about it and simply told her that i was just the messenger. she believed me. But now, I think she found out. She won't talk to me, look at me or anything. I don't know how she did but I'm pretty sure she found out. so now I'm ed. it's okay I guess, I push everyone away in the end.
And to top off the ing icing on the cake, I was completely rejected today by the guy I like. he didn't even wanna be friends with me. He's an exchange student from Korea and I wanted to know if he was doing okay because if I felt homesick from just two weeks in China, imagine an entire year. but no. he said he doesn't want to be friends with me because I listen to Kpop. the irony. I get bullied for my taste in music here and even he rejects me? God just hates me. but of course he'll talk to my friend and she's even more into Kpop than I am.
Damn this is a long note. I'm sorry for that. I just wanna get it off my chest. sorry you had to sit through my pity party, I probably wasted your time. I'll try to update sooner next time. I'm honestly a failure at everything but cutting, I seem to be able to do that consistently. I'm putting up this chapter first and then I'll reply to all your comments. I'm seriously grateful for them. They're my fuel to keep going, I'm not sure what I would do without them. I read them all and they make me tear up. MyrtleKidd.. thank you. I'm going to write you a proper response soon but I'm incredibly thankful to you and everyone else who's encouraged me. Thank you and I'm sorry again for the depression and wait.
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