When you attack somebody´s sanity, you definitely shouldn´t only stay at minor surprise. Going all in for a total mental breakdown is what seems fair, or at least according to Donghae. My eyes were wide as I couldn´t move an inch. Donghae was still holding my wrists firmly and my chest was pressed against his.

Donghae was kissing me on the lips with his eyes romantically closed. He was driving me crazy because the kiss had no ending. It wasn´t just a simple peck or the scene from a drama, where the actors barely touch. No, it started with lip lock but in a few seconds I had Donghae my upper lip and forcefully pushing his tongue inside. Is he crazy? To kiss me, a man, like that? In the public too. I heard him moan and gathered some courage.

“Donghae!” I used my whole body to push him away.

Donghae was startled from the sudden interruption of the hot kiss and I used the chance to tear away my hands. Suddenly we were both standing away from each other and breathing out white puffs. The brunette in front of me looked startled, as if he didn´t understand, what he did wrong. Is he kidding me?

“What are you doing?!” I yelled massaging my right wrist in nervousness.

“I just,” Donghae mumbled but wasn´t really sure what to say. He was blushing and visibly trying to calm himself down. He had his hands raised in a sorry manner but I paid it no attention.

“What?!” I screamed again and Donghae flinched.

I must have looked really spiteful at that moment but I couldn´t help it. I was really mad and flustered. I don´t know, if he was joking around with me or if he was genuine, I didn´t care honestly. I´m not even asking him truthfully, all I want right now is to protect myself. I´m scared and confused and I can´t do anything but scream. I will take care of Donghae´s feelings later, now I have to be careful about what I do. I came here to apologise, I was worried and wanted to talk to Donghae honestly but now everything is ruined and I don´t know, what to do.

“Sorry, Hyukjae,” Donghae finally woke up from his shock and began nervously talking. “Calm down, please,” he cooed as if I was a dangerous animal and with his hands gestured me to breathe. The wide brown eyes were watching my every movement and I wished I could just lash out and tear him into pieces. I wasn´t really mad, I was just flustered.

“Hyukjae?”

Donghae called loudly when I my heel and began dashing away with all my might. There were tears in my eyes and my teeth were clenched hard. I fisted my hands until my fingers dug into my skin painfully. I kept running without stopping, so fast that my lungs almost couldn´t keep up. I sprinted out of the park and didn´t stop until I reached my front door. I opened it hastily and slammed it behind myself. Sliding against the wood, I stayed crouched in the hallway and buried my face into my knees. What a horrible mess.

I didn´t want to run away. I can´t imagine how Donghae feels right now. I abandoned him in the park and he looked so surprised. Even, if he was just joking around with me, I should have played it off. I made a scene and now I have no idea how to fix it. The worst is, if he was sincere about the kiss, I must have hurt him so badly. He wouldn´t commit a suicide, would he? No, he definitely could! It´s Donghae, he´s a famous suicide. I have to call him! But what do I say? I began crying aloud and the tears were drenching the jeans on my knees. All of a sudden my back against the wood vibrated as somebody knocked on the door.

“Hyukjae? Are you at home?” Donghae called from the other side and banged some more.

“Yeah!” I quickly answered but refused to move from my spot, I was paralyzed.

“Can you open the door?” He asked me and I bit my lip. I told him I couldn´t. Not that I was afraid of him but I was scared of myself.

“Alright, I will talk like that,” Donghae sighed and I heard some rustling. “I´m sorry, Hyuk.” I could hear Donghae´s voice so clear that it felt as if he was whispering into my ear. He was probably sitting down on the floor too.

“No,” I sobbed, “it´s me, I´m sorry. I didn´t want to run away like that, I was just, uh,” I sniffled as my string of words got torn in the middle and my thoughts rolled around like glass beads. I wasn´t capable of thinking properly.

“It´s okay,” Donghae chuckled and a slight burden left my chest. He´s not too hurt, if he can laugh, right?

“You weren´t serious, were you?” I asked an inappropriate question. It was more like a suggestion and I was aware of that. It was quite cruel to be honest.

“Sorry for messing up with you,” Donghae went along and laughed. The laugh sounded awfully faked and I felt like crying because if Donghae wasn´t hurt before, now he certainly was. “I went overboard,” another joyless chuckle.

I raised my head and leaned it backwards against the door. I closed my red eyes and listened to the sounds from behind. I could feel the tension of the wood as Donghae´s body was leaning against it, I could hear him breathe and feel the warmth. I knew I did something heartless tonight for what I had no good excuse. Not even bad excuse actually.

“Can I say something?” Donghae murmured but because of our closeness I could hear him very well.

“Mm,” I only hummed and with my eyes still closed, fell into the frail mood of the strangely light atmosphere.

“I´ve never met anyone like you,” he started quietly, “or maybe I have but ignored it. But this time I noticed, a person like you, so silly but at the same time impossible worthy. You are hardworking and serious about your life but you manage to enjoy even the most unimportant moments of it. When it rains or when it´s dark, it feels so true that it seems fake. I just wanted to say that I have a good time whenever I´m with you, even if it doesn´t look like it to you. Uh?”

Donghae was suddenly startled because I soundlessly stood up and opened the front door. I found him kneeling on the ground with a tired expression on his face. I wiped my tears and tried to smile a bit. Donghae hurried up on his legs and rubbed his sore knees. I gestured him to come inside because my voice was still stuck like a lump in my throat. In grave silence we ended up sitting on the sofa.

“Where´s Choco?” Donghae asked to break the uncomfortable atmosphere.

“At my parents´,” I answered sadly. “Choco fell sick but I´m at work every day so I asked my mom to watch over the puppy.”

“I see,” the brunette next to me sighed at his wrong choice of words and looked away. The awkward silence was back and with it I gained new sense of fear. I was now more than ever aware of the influence I had on the brunette next to me. He´s right, I can´t believe that he feels good next to me, I´m not a lovable person. But I can feel the pain I´m causing to Donghae and I´m not proud of it. Even if I´m the villain.

“Are we still friends?” I asked barely above whisper. I was fondling my fingers and looking into my lap nervously. I felt Donghae turn to me and breathe in.

“Do you want to?” He asked back equally quiet. I couldn´t read anything from his tone of voice and wasn´t courageous enough to look into his face. So I barely nodded.

“Okay, we are friends then, Hyukjae,” Donghae said lightly and I finally glanced at him. He was smiling slightly and winked. At first I was watching him with wary but when he patted my back, the tension left my body and I could smile too. I would hate it so much, if Donghae went away. Especially leaving me in the mess he created.

Fanservice:

In Japan EunHae sang a few sentences from ‘Breakdown’ and fans started to sing along. Then EunHae said: “Quiet!! You all just stay put! we are the singers here!“ 

The translator followed EunHae’s angry tone perfectly. Eunhae said that the translator is very good because she mimics their tone when she is translating.

Hyuk: I AM HUNGRY!!!!

Hae: I AM HUNGRY!!!!

Hyuk: I WANT TO GO TO THE TOILET!! RWAARR !!!

When the translator didn´t do the "RWAARR “ part, EunHae insisted that she must do the same thing. After she gave in and did the ”RWAARR “, Hyuk said she is the & in D&E today.

Hello, guys! So I can say it now. The story will have 24 chapters in total. Yesterday I wrote four chapters when my crush very coldly told me off, but today I was feeling much better and finished the story. Conclusion? Expect some serious nervous breakdowns and a happy ending :D Thank you for reading and take care! - PandaHero