“Here are your nuts!”

“Wookie, please don’t say it that way…”

“Why? I just said—OH! NO! I meant the chestnuts! The chestnuts!“

Leeteuk frowned. “Eunhyuk,” he reprimanded. “Mind. Gutter. OUT.” Unfortunately, both the monkey and the fish were far too loaded up with caffeine to take any notice. They dissolved into a fit of giggles by themselves.

“Is everyone here?” Sungmin scanned the faces. “I see fourteen.”

“Soon there will be just twelve,” Zhou Mi growled. Kyuhyun and Henry, who were already seated as far away from Fashion Hulk as possible, shank in fear.

Shindong patted the Chinese man on the back. “Down, boy.”

“Where’s Siwon?” Kibum wondered. “Still preaching to the forest?”

Henry heard a branch snap behind him. “Speak of the dev—er… Speak of the Shisus!”

“Hey there, Saint Francis,” Kangin called. “How’d the birds like the sermon?”

Siwon was not amused. “They kept flying away! It’s like they were all possessed by Heechul!” he complained.

“Good for them,” Cinderella conceded. “Now hurry up. Leeteuk said we couldn’t start breakfast without you.”

“Siwon!” Ryeowook skipped up to the late member with a plate. “Don’t worry, I kept your nuts warm.”

“Excuse me?”

Eunhyuk and Donghae sniggered. “He means the chestnuts,” Kibum explained.

“Okay, everyone! Dig in!” Hangeng cheered. Twelve other members happily complied with his instructions.

“Wow! These are actually really good!” Sungmin complimented. Ryeowook smiled in acknowledgement.

“You certainly have a way with nuts, Wookie,” Donghae said, struggling to keep a straight face. Eunhyuk howled with laughter.

Leeteuk scowled. “Okay, stop with the nut jokes,” he commanded. “This will be the last time you ever get caffeine, understand?” He turned to the two members who still hadn’t touched their breakfasts. “Kyuhyun, Yesung, why aren’t you guys eating?”

Yesung simply shrugged. “Baby hasn’t settled into her new home yet.”

“Baby?”

The singer nodded. “Baby,” he explained, lifting up a jar. The others leaned in to see the contents, and could barely discern a small black mass.

“Is that the bug you rescued earlier?” Zhou Mi asked incredulously.

“You named that thing?” Kangin wrinkled his nose.

Yesung pouted. “Baby is not a thing,” he lectured. “Bugs are humans too!”

“This guy…” Heechul shook his head, at a total loss for words.

Kibum inspected the jar more closely. “The bug isn’t moving,” he noted.

“Baby’s just sleepy,” Yesung defended.

“And its legs are curling in on itself…” Shindong finished.

“Maybe she’s cold,” Yesung reasoned.

Henry frowned. “Did you poke air holes in the top of the jar?”

There was a long, horrible silence.

“BABY~!” Yesung wailed, frantically unscrewing the lid. He unceremoniously dumped the insect onto his palm and attempted to give it CPR. “Breathe, Baby!” he panted. “Breathe! Please don’t die, Baby!”

“This would make such a romantically tragic drama,” Siwon mused, “If it wasn’t a six-legged monstrosity he’s trying to resuscitate.”

“Breathe!” Yesung continued. “I know you can pull through! Breathe! Breathe! Br—OW!” He abruptly dropped the bug and pressed his hands to his lips. Baby took advantage of this opportunity to make her escape, happily buzzing off into the forest.

“What’s wrong?” Ryeowook worried.

“Did it bite you?” Leeteuk asked.

Yesung slowly removed his hands to reveal a rapidly swelling insect bite right next to his lips. “She kissed me…” he whispered in awe.

“ARE YOU AN IDIOT?” Kangin exploded.

“Wah…” Shindong exclaimed in amazement. “That bite isn’t red… It’s BRIIIIIIGHT red!”

Leeteuk furrowed his brow in concern. “I hope it wasn’t poisonous,” he fretted. “Zhou Mi, go get the medical kit just in case, okay?” The fashionista nodded and hurried off.

“BAHAHAHA~” Donghae and Eunhyuk exploded in laughter again.

“What now?” Heechul groaned in annoyance.

“Hahahaha~” Eunhyuk choked on his words, but managed to get the sentence out. “What of it is poisonous? And he dies? Just think of the newspaper headlines!”

“Super Junior Member Found Dead in the Woods,” Donghae grinned. “Cause of Death determined to be Baby.”

“Yah!” Yesung protested. “Baby loves me!”

“Congratulations.” Heechul applauded. “You’ve just surpassed me in weirdness. I willingly transfer my 4D King title to you.”

Hangeng looked at the bite again. “I don’t think it’s poisonous,” he decided. “The bite stopped swelling.”

“But what if it is poisonous?” Henry wondered.

“Then we’ll probably know in a couple hours,” the older one replied dismissively.

“Ah! I found it!” Sungmin, who had been flipping through a copy of Surviving Your Camping Trip, waved his hand around to gather everyone’s attention. “Insect bites,” he read, “range from dangerous to not dangerous, depending on how dangerous the insect is.” He stopped. “That’s all it says.”

“WHAT? WHAT KIND OF CRAP SURVIVAL GUIDE IS THAT?!” Kangin grabbed the book and flipped though it furiously. “Any idiot could tell you that!”

The pink-lover shrugged. “I didn’t write it.”

“Here, let me.” Hangeng snatched the book away and began scanning the words. “Hmm… interesting…” he kept murmuring.

“What? What’s interesting?” Heechul probed.

Hangeng looked up. “I can’t read any of this.”

“YOU—!”

“My turn!” Siwon seized the book and flicked through the pages. “Oh, hey, here’s something else!” He cleared his throat and began. “How to Tell If You Will Die: You should become concerned if you find any of the following symptoms. Dizziness?” He looked up at Yesung, who shook his head. “Stomach pains? Back pains? Foul odor from the wound?” Yesung kept shaking his head. “And… erm… hallucinations.”

“How do we tell if he’s hallucinating?” Ryeowook wondered.

“It says: If the patient begins acting strangely, talking to inanimate objects, or saying strange and random things,” Siwon dictated.

“But he does all those things normally…” Kangin mused. “Well, I guess you’re gonna die, Yesung!”

“Hey guys!” Zhou Mi ran back up to the team. “We don’t have a medical kit.”

“Perfect,” Leeteuk groaned.

Hangeng smirked. “Well, then be thankful we have a specialist in herbal medicine with us.”

“Where?” Eunhyuk looked around.

The Chinese man smacked him over the head. “Here, idiot. My grandmother taught me some natural cures we can use.”

The leader let out a huff of relief. “Oh, thank God. What can we do, Hangeng?”

“Hmm… well I know she used some sort of green thing, which she put with another green thing that turned brown after you boil it for a while…”

“So basically, you have no idea,” Donghae interrupted.

“Nope.”

“THEN WHY EVEN BRING IT UP, IDIOT?” Heechul smacked him over the head.

Henry frowned. “Hey, forget Yesung for a minute—“

“Yeah,” Yesung muttered. “Forget me. Let’s all forget Yesung. Not like he could potentially be on the verge of death…”

“Shut up,” Kangin ordered. “What were you saying, Canadian?”

Henry cocked his head to the side. “Where’s Kyuhyun?” he asked.

The others looked up in surprise. “Ah! You’re right!” Siwon exclaimed.

“It has been awfully quiet and peaceful around here…” Ryeowook noted.

“This is peaceful?” Leeteuk asked incredulously. “But yes, where is Kyuhyun?”

Kangin, on a sudden impulse, looked over the newly dubbed Log of Suffering. “Over here!” he called. “And I think he’s finally gone crazy.” The other members gathered around. Sure enough, there was the maknae, curled up in the fetal position and rocking back and forward. His eyes were locked wide open and he was muttering nonsensically. Sungmin approached the insane person cautiously and laid a hand on his back.

“Careful!” Shindong cautioned. “Maknaes bite when they feel threatened.”

“I think he’s rabid,” Zhou Mi said pensively. “He’s started drooling.”

“Kyuhyunnie~” Sungmin said gently, “Are you okay?” Kyuhyun’s eyes lifted to focus on his friend’s face.

“Gone,” he whispered. “All gone.”

“What’s gone, Kyu?” Kibum asked.

“His mind, obviously.”

The maknae shook his head. “Gone,” he repeated. “Forever!” At this last word, his voice cracked and he began to weep. The members began to back away in alarm. “GOOOOOOONE~!” he wailed.

“Ah…” Kibum suddenly smiled. “I understand.”

“What? What?”

Kibum frowned pensively for a moment, trying to remember something. “If I’m not mistaken, this time yesterday was the last occasion he was able to play Starcraft. I think his withdrawal symptoms are beginning to appear,” Kibum diagnosed.

“Oh…” The others nodded in agreement. “That makes sense.”

Leeteuk knelt next to his fallen member. “Listen, Kyuhyun,” he began softly. “I know it must hurt right now, right?” Kyuhyun sniffled and nodded. “And I’m sorry it hurts,” the leader continued, “but you just have to fight through this, okay? Can you do that for me?”

The maknae hesitated. “I don’t know… It hurts so much…” He sniffled again.

“Admitting you have a problem is the first step,” Siwon lectured. “It gets easier after that.”

Kyuhyun teared up again. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“Ryeowook, are you crying again?” Henry wondered.

The softhearted man wiped his eyes. “No,” he protested weakly. “I just—I feel like something has been accomplished, you know?”

“GROUP HUG!” Zhou Mi cheered.

“Again?” Kangin grumbled, before he was yanked in.

“Not Eunhyuk,” Kyuhyun objected. “His feet stink.”

“Sorry…”
“We’ll go swimming later,” Leeteuk promised.

“Can we get out of this hug now?” Kangin griped.

“Don’t spoil it,” Siwon frowned.

Heechul squirmed uncomfortably. “Something’s jabbing into my side!” He complained. “Hangeng, are you holding a boulder or something?”

“Sorry,” The Chinaman apologized. He backed out of the hug, still holding onto—

“WHY WOULD YOU BRING THE POT INTO OUR GROUP HUG?!”

Hangeng pouted. “It’s part of our family now!”

“Um, hello?” Yesung waved his hand. “I’m still dying over here…”

“And the breakfast I made is getting cold…” Ryeowook sulked. The other members had by now all forgotten about this and were each causing their own ruckus.

“Okay, everyone, let’s settle down now,” Leeteuk clapped his hands to regain order. “Kyuhyun, stop gnawing on the pinecone. Sungmin can you help him…? Thanks. Yesung… Actually, I don’t think we can really do anything for you, so try to stay alive, okay? Zhou Mi, please stop planning Yesung’s burial outfit. The rest of you, just shut up. ” Unfortunately, his words were lost among the chaotic crowd.

“Think he’s gonna—“

“Purple’s great if you suffocate to death. Very poetic…”

“Starcraft… Starcraft… Starcraft…”

“Ha ha ha ha ha~”

“—And forgive us our trespasses…”

“Baby, Baby, Baby Ohhhh~”

“Shut up, Yesung.”

CLANG. CLANG. CLANG. CLANG.

“HANGENG!!!!”

Leeteuk’s face grew dark. “EVERYBODY!” he bellowed. “SIT DOWN. SHUT UP. AND EAT YOUR NUTS!” There was a brief, sweet moment of silence.

Eunhyuk’s and Donghae’s faces contorted with their efforts to hold in their laughs. “BAHAHAHAHA!” They finally exploded. “Eat your nuts!” To Leeteuk’s annoyance, a few other immature souls began joining in their laughter.

Leeteuk collapsed on the Log of Suffering in total defeat. “It’s official. I must have killed Jesus in my last life. Why else…?” He dissolved into more muttering. “I repent. I repent. I repent.” he mourned.

One more week. One more week. **rocks back and forth with Leeteuk**